Saving me or the baby.

[Whathefisgoingon]

I'm pregnant with our second, it’s very early days but DP and I got talking. I asked him what he would do if things turned bad during labour and only one of us could be saved. He said he would save the baby because it’s a “new life.”

I was pretty shocked. Obviously any situation like that would be tragic, but we have a 3 year old to think about and I feel the obvious choice would be to save his mum first. Am I wrong? How do you feel about this?

I appreciate it’s a very personal choice. If we didn’t have our son, I would choose to save the baby.

You and your husband would never be put in this position, the woman would always be saved over the baby.

It'snot up to you or your husband but up to the doctor (in most countries they tend to save the mum first). Why are you even discussing this?

He wouldn’t get the choice.

Serious question: is your relationship generally good or are you just choosing to sour the end of your pregnancy with silly pointless hypothetical questions?

Neither of you have any idea what you’d actually do. He wouldn’t have the “authority” to do anything. It’s a medical decision made by doctors.

Let it go.

Christ! I’d be shocked too.
As the previous poster has said, the medical profession would take the opposite view, - and they don’t even know you…

This position would never be given to him to decide on, don't worry. The doctors will save the mother in these situations.

It's far, far too emotive a decision to be made by the father.

@Greenolivetrees Well I asked the question as it just popped in to my head, but obviously after he answered we discussed it more in depth.

Things can go wrong and I guess I feel it’s important he knows my wishes.

Doctors would save you over the baby.

Your DH sounds like a bit of a twat, but I wouldn’t be asking this question unless I was prepared to hear the answer either.

In reality he wouldn't have the choice.

If you're giving birth in a hospital, until the baby comes out your life would be priority, once the baby is out there would be 2 medical teams as you would be two separate patients.

(I read up on this when I was pregnant).

It would not be his choice. Mother over the baby always. And once the baby is delivered the obstetric team will look after you and the neonatal team will look after the baby. This is a situation that happens in movies but not in real life.

So weird.

I think it was a stupid question to ask him given how you've taken the answer. This is one of those questions like "does my bum look big in this?" or "how old do I look?" that people should just not ask because chances are you won't like the answer.

If there was a car accident and the car was sinking in water, and you could only save either your husband or your child, who would you save?

Basically neither your wishes nor his are paramount. You may, if you were conscious for instance refuse certain kinds of treatment but if you were not your life would be prioritised whether or not you had an older child.

I can’t think how this would happen if you’re planning on having professionals attend your birth but appreciate it did happen in years gone by. I would want to be saved over the baby tbh in labour. However if I was in a burning building I’d want my kids saved before me.

Don’t ask silly questions you might not like the answer to

The last thing the doctors are going to do in a major obstetric medical emergency where both lives are at risk, is waste time discussing things with your DH.

He'd be booted out whilst you were rushed off to theatre.

A child is totally different to an unborn baby. I think most people in that situation would save their child. I think most men would save the mother in a situation the OP described. Totally hypothetical and pointless questions that only lead to trouble though.

When I got pregnant with my second I told my husband that it was my choice that in this situation that I was saved over the child because I was already a mother to a living child who needed me. Luckily he agreed but if he disagreed I would have registered my preference with the hospital. My body, my choice.

@LaDamaDeElche Would absolutely save the children. Like you say, it’s completely different to an unborn baby.

Your partner is less concerned with you than Napoleon, a man who divorced his wife because he wanted an heir for his dynasty, was over Marie Louise, his wife from a treaty marriage, when actually asked by physicians when she was having a difficult labour whom they should save.

Happily your partner should not be placed in the situation of determining this.

@YukoandHiro It’s good to hear I’m not the only one having these discussions. Appreciate it might seem irrational to some, but still..

Not really, depends on where you live. It wouldn't be your choice in the UK, they would aim to save you first regardless of your wishes.

Generally don't ask questions you might not like the answers to. There will never be a situation where your husband has to choose between you both.