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Original poster

Saving me or the baby.

106 replies

Whathefisgoingon · 26/03/2023 21:40

I'm pregnant with our second, it’s very early days but DP and I got talking. I asked him what he would do if things turned bad during labour and only one of us could be saved. He said he would save the baby because it’s a “new life.”

I was pretty shocked. Obviously any situation like that would be tragic, but we have a 3 year old to think about and I feel the obvious choice would be to save his mum first. Am I wrong? How do you feel about this?

I appreciate it’s a very personal choice. If we didn’t have our son, I would choose to save the baby.

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MuchTooTired · 26/03/2023 21:55

I also had this hypothetical conversation with my DH whilst I was pregnant. He said he’d choose to save me over the baby, and I was pissy with him because I’d choose to save our DTs. His reasoning was we could always try to have another DC, but couldn’t if I were dead. The funny thing is that we’d both merrily give our lives for our kids, and would be happy to be a human shield or use the other as a human shield if it kept them safe from harm.

There’s no right or wrong answer in my mind, it’s just how different people think and it’s all hypothetical anyway because the Drs would do what they think is best, not sit down and ask my DH’s feelings on things!

LeavesOnTrees · 26/03/2023 21:56

The other thing I read is that most of the time the solution to saving either the mother and/or the baby is for the baby to be born.

Hence emergency cesareans and neonatal units. In days gone by either one or both would have died.

ClaudeMyWinkleman · 26/03/2023 21:58

I wouldn't say it's that ridiculous of a question. Weird hypothetical chats come up in life. DH and I had a similar conversation when I was pregnant. Think we were watching House of the Dragon and the King had to choose.

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MarchMadness23 · 26/03/2023 21:58

@Whathefisgoingon of course that would be upsetting to hear. His thinking isn't right!! It would be massively unfair to your eldest to 'save' an unborn or just born sibling over his mum & to be honest, I'd expect a man to want to save his wife before an unborn/just born baby.

thankfully it wouldn't be his choice, but it isn't something I'd forget he'd said & it would be a significant dent to our relationship.

best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy & the birth! 🌷

Saschka · 26/03/2023 22:03

OP, this never comes up anyway. It’s just a question people ask to sow discord in their marriages, as far as I can see.

If the baby is unborn, you dying will kill them. So the obstetric team will focus on saving you. Sometimes, Ie in a cardiac arrest, that means getting the baby out urgently, but it is to save you not the baby. If getting the baby out won’t help you, they don’t fuck about doing unnecessary c-sections.

If the baby has been born, a separate neonatal team comes and tries to save the baby, regardless of what is going on with the mother. Ideally both are saved, but if only one survives it isn’t because nobody tried to save the other one.

There are issues in some (not all) Catholic countries, where getting the baby out pre-term in order to save the mothers life risks being deemed “an abortion” (when clearly it isn’t). In those situations, both mother and child die. That isn’t a concern in the UK though.

Username24680 · 26/03/2023 22:06

Is that a normal thing to be discussing prior to giving birth?! 😳 surely it’s the medics who make these decisions?!

The only thing I said to DH prior to giving birth was that should a situation arise where baby had to be taken away for any reason then he was to go with the baby if possible.

Hardbackwriter · 26/03/2023 22:07

What a horrible, macabre question to ask. It's not a realistic scenario that needs preparation, and it's disingenuous to pretend that's why you asked.

MotherofBingo · 26/03/2023 22:10

It's become a common trend on tik tok and apparently in America it really is a question that the hospital ask you which is shocking to me. It should never be up to the family member - I can't imagine how a decision like that would affect someone's mental health. Thankfully in the UK it's not a scenario that would ever happen but I can see why people are talking about it at the moment.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 26/03/2023 22:10

I'm not entirely sure it's a fair question to spring on anyone, let alone be upset that they didn't pick the "right"answer. He may well have thought him picking the baby was the answer you were looking for. After all most people would say save a child over an adult.

Original poster
Whathefisgoingon · 26/03/2023 22:10

@Hardbackwriter That is literally why I asked. The same way you discuss your wishes for your children should you and your partner die in a car accident together!

I didn’t actually know that it wouldn’t be his decision at all until these replies.

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 26/03/2023 22:11

Whathefisgoingon · 26/03/2023 21:51

@LaDamaDeElche Would absolutely save the children. Like you say, it’s completely different to an unborn baby.

It’s really not that different to your original question, and your answer is the same as his.
I don’t think you can really be too upset

IDontWantToBeAPie · 26/03/2023 22:12

Gross. Mother always comes first. Especially with a first child that needs a mum.

Just asked DP and he said me.

I understand choosing a baby if, say, there's a house fire and you have to pick baby or adult you pick the baby as it's defenceless.

But mum comes first in pregnancy.

Original poster
Whathefisgoingon · 26/03/2023 22:12

@MotherofBingo Yep, Tiktok is where I saw all of this and it made me think DP would have an actual choice to make 🙄

OP posts:
IDontWantToBeAPie · 26/03/2023 22:12

DevantMaJardin · 26/03/2023 21:45

I think it was a stupid question to ask him given how you've taken the answer. This is one of those questions like "does my bum look big in this?" or "how old do I look?" that people should just not ask because chances are you won't like the answer.

Not really. I'd expect someone who's chosen to marry a woman to actually be in love with the woman and prefer her to live.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 26/03/2023 22:13

Nimbostratus100 · 26/03/2023 21:46

If there was a car accident and the car was sinking in water, and you could only save either your husband or your child, who would you save?

Different. You'd know the child by then.

Hardbackwriter · 26/03/2023 22:13

Whathefisgoingon · 26/03/2023 22:10

@Hardbackwriter That is literally why I asked. The same way you discuss your wishes for your children should you and your partner die in a car accident together!

I didn’t actually know that it wouldn’t be his decision at all until these replies.

I honestly don't believe that you thought there might actually be a scenario in which a medical team would turn to him and be like 'so, which one do you like better?' and then proceed on that basis. You asked because you thought it would be a lovely ego boost to hear that of course he would choose you because they all couldn't live without you. Which is really pretty grim.

Hardbackwriter · 26/03/2023 22:14

MotherofBingo · 26/03/2023 22:10

It's become a common trend on tik tok and apparently in America it really is a question that the hospital ask you which is shocking to me. It should never be up to the family member - I can't imagine how a decision like that would affect someone's mental health. Thankfully in the UK it's not a scenario that would ever happen but I can see why people are talking about it at the moment.

No it isn't. This is a really great example of why you shouldn't be credulous enough to believe whatever you see on TikTok.

ThatFraggle · 26/03/2023 22:15

IDontWantToBeAPie · 26/03/2023 22:13

Different. You'd know the child by then.

Show quote history

Also, a child is more helpless than an adult, who could be taking steps to save themselves.

AdoraBell · 26/03/2023 22:15

I don’t believe it would be your DP’s choice, but who does he think would parent your children? I know that sometimes a parent passes away and the family rally around the remaining parent, but that’s not a choice, it’s a reaction to the tragic circumstances.

UnaVaca · 26/03/2023 22:16

Maybe you should educate yourself beyond Tiktok

sobeyondthehills · 26/03/2023 22:17

I have these types of conversations with my partner.

If it helps OP, in the event of zombies, he would sacrifice me in a heartbeat.

Having been with him in a real emergency though, I do actually know what he would do without thinking, so its all good.

To me its actions over words.

Original poster
Whathefisgoingon · 26/03/2023 22:17

@Hardbackwriter Um, no. If you have children then surely you’d understand why surviving for my 3 year old would feel more important than saving an unborn baby.

I lost my mother when I was young and I still struggle with it.

I’m baffled at your view tbh. Very strange.

OP posts:
MotherofBingo · 26/03/2023 22:17

Hardbackwriter · 26/03/2023 22:14

No it isn't. This is a really great example of why you shouldn't be credulous enough to believe whatever you see on TikTok.

Show quote history

I argued that it wouldn't happen on another forum not on tik tok and had 4 women in America telling me it definitely did but yes obviously people online do lie. I don't know about the American healthcare system though but what I meant is that if someone has seen these posts, especially when pregnant which can be a scary time, I can see why the thought would be in their head.

Spiderboy · 26/03/2023 22:18

Any man that says baby is a red flag…if this needs explaining I am worried

Hardbackwriter · 26/03/2023 22:18

Whathefisgoingon · 26/03/2023 22:17

@Hardbackwriter Um, no. If you have children then surely you’d understand why surviving for my 3 year old would feel more important than saving an unborn baby.

I lost my mother when I was young and I still struggle with it.

I’m baffled at your view tbh. Very strange.

I'm not questioning the decision you want made in the hypothetical situation with no bearing on reality that you made up, I'm questioning (disbelieving) that you thought this was a real and practical question rather than a chance to get your ego fluffed.