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Original poster

ASD genetic link/ bad parenting

78 replies

Scapegoatffs · 19/03/2023 20:20

Has anyone come up against this kind of issue and if so what did you do? If you haven’t but have any advice please help !

I have more than one dc with ASD . I’m on the spectrum myself (but haven’t disclosed this to any professionals as don’t want to). We have been getting called in for multiple meetings at school and have been offered ‘early help’ which we declined as don’t feel it is needed plus we don’t need any more appts / dc and me don’t do well with people coming round etc basically it’ll cause more stress and won’t help that much.

I did a Subject access request as we’ve had so many meetings and contact. In some notes I read that my parenting is in question , it’s basically been put forward that do my dc actually have ASD (and one also has adhd) or is it in fact my parenting and / or learned behaviour.
Clearly there’s a genetic link - I’m actually angry that it’s being insinuated that my parenting is causing the dc to just appear to have ASD when actually they have been diagnosed and it’s obviously genetic but I feel as if I’m going to be blamed. It’s also not been taken well that we declined this ‘early help’. We have everything in place that needs to be so it seems pointless.

Im very annoyed that this has been put forward about me as there’s nothing wrong with my parenting but I’m not sure how to raise this now I’ve read it and how to address it b cause I want to set the record straight

OP posts:
IndiganDop · 19/03/2023 20:31

Early Help is first stage social services, usually offered because a family appears to be struggling. Are your kids clean, fed, suitably dressed, attending regularly and on time? These are the kind of things that would usually trigger an Early Help referral rather than being autistic.
Is it possible that your kids appear unkempt in some way that as a ND family doesn't bother you but could be interpreted as struggling? Like no haircuts or old clothes as they are comfier? Otherwise I can't see how Early Help would have anything to do with you and your kids being autistic.

Turning down the referral would be of concern to school because they would interpret that as you not wanting to meet your kids' needs in whatever concern triggered the referral. If you have an alternative explanation for whatever it is, it would be sensible to explain this to school so they don't, in a neurological way, make a logical leap and assume neglect. For example, say if your kids wear old comfy clothes and have longer hair because of sensory needs related to autism, say so, or school might assume you aren't buying new clothes or keeping them groomed.

Original poster
Scapegoatffs · 19/03/2023 20:36

IndiganDop · 19/03/2023 20:31

Early Help is first stage social services, usually offered because a family appears to be struggling. Are your kids clean, fed, suitably dressed, attending regularly and on time? These are the kind of things that would usually trigger an Early Help referral rather than being autistic.
Is it possible that your kids appear unkempt in some way that as a ND family doesn't bother you but could be interpreted as struggling? Like no haircuts or old clothes as they are comfier? Otherwise I can't see how Early Help would have anything to do with you and your kids being autistic.

Turning down the referral would be of concern to school because they would interpret that as you not wanting to meet your kids' needs in whatever concern triggered the referral. If you have an alternative explanation for whatever it is, it would be sensible to explain this to school so they don't, in a neurological way, make a logical leap and assume neglect. For example, say if your kids wear old comfy clothes and have longer hair because of sensory needs related to autism, say so, or school might assume you aren't buying new clothes or keeping them groomed.

Clean , well dressed , actually really smart ! Healthy weight BUT late virtually every day (due to ASD we have extreme difficulties with sleep/night/waking and getting ready) we’ve explained about it but we just get told to buy an alarm clock and get things ready the night before (which we do but that doesn’t help with poor sleep / night terrors/ sleep walking/ meltdowns etc). We have explained this so many times (and it’s late by anything up to half an hour not hours late)

We are seriously considering home education at this point !

OP posts:
alyceflowers · 19/03/2023 20:41

It's pretty typical for schools to assume 'parenting problems' when children have attendance issues, regardless of whether they have SEN.
Teachers aren't experts in child development or neurodiversity and will often be judgemental based on their own prejudices.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting SEN
Original poster
Scapegoatffs · 19/03/2023 20:47

alyceflowers · 19/03/2023 20:41

It's pretty typical for schools to assume 'parenting problems' when children have attendance issues, regardless of whether they have SEN.
Teachers aren't experts in child development or neurodiversity and will often be judgemental based on their own prejudices.

We had let the school have the full diagnosis reports we had been given short versions for that purpose but we even gave the long reports as we are totally upfront about it and they are still querying the professionals who diagnosed by wondering if it’s parenting /learned behaviour ?!
They had put in their notes how they had offered us the opportunity to do a parenting course ! We literally don’t have time or childcare for our youngest to be able to do that but it’s been seen as a ‘barrier to improving the situation ‘

OP posts:
davegrohll · 19/03/2023 20:52

There must be something more to this that they're concerned about - why would they challenge an official diagnosis?

Original poster
Scapegoatffs · 19/03/2023 20:54

davegrohll · 19/03/2023 20:52

There must be something more to this that they're concerned about - why would they challenge an official diagnosis?

They hadn’t said to us they’ve just speculated it seems. I’m wondering if I’m coming across as unusual due to having ASD myself ? So they are perhaps adding 2+2 and coming up with 5

OP posts:
Original poster
Scapegoatffs · 19/03/2023 20:55

I also feel that some people don’t realise there can be a genetic reason and that’s why some families have a lot of ASD - they seem to be acting as if it’s not quite right and a coincidence that we have more than one autistic child

OP posts:
Original poster
Scapegoatffs · 19/03/2023 20:55

Sorry NOT a coincidence

OP posts:
davegrohll · 19/03/2023 20:57

Well then if that's the case they need to get educated ! My ds is autistic, I am clearly autistic myself, my sister, my niece, my nephew has adhd, the list goes on. There is a genetic link of course.

davegrohll · 19/03/2023 20:58

Do you think maybe they think you need some support bevies you're late in the mornkng and they think you're struggling with having more than one autistic dc? I find it challenging with just one asd child

Albertus · 19/03/2023 21:01

If you’re late by 30 mins regularly then you do need extra support because your children need to get to school on time regardless of what sort of night you’ve had and as the parent it’s your responsibility to make it happen…if you can’t do that then you need help?

Original poster
Scapegoatffs · 19/03/2023 21:05

davegrohll · 19/03/2023 20:58

Do you think maybe they think you need some support bevies you're late in the mornkng and they think you're struggling with having more than one autistic dc? I find it challenging with just one asd child

Possibly. It’s not every day but it’s more days late than not late ! Sometimes only by 5 mins but still late .

We feel it would be a reasonable adjustment for them to accept this but they want it sorted out so dc on time everyday and we just aren’t managing it this is why we have been having some serious chats about home education

OP posts:
theWarOnPeace · 19/03/2023 21:06

Who is querying your parenting, the school? The thing is, ASC or not, parenting is still done differently by different people. It might not necessarily mean they think your parenting is the cause of their behaviour/needs, but that it may be clashing with their needs or even exacerbating them or something. I’m not saying I would want to be reading that, but I feel like it’s not black and white one or the other.

When they say things like “offered parenting course” it’s just recording that it was offered, not necessarily judging you for not being able to attend. Early Help can be for all sorts of things it’s not just for things like being unkept and is anything that can connect to concerns about a child’s emotional or physiological wellbeing and is there to support the child’s needs, not belittle the parents.

Disclosure of your own diagnosis is entirely your prerogative, but it may help all these various teams to actually have a better understanding of the family needs as a whole if they knew that you have ASC.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 19/03/2023 21:07

Albertus · 19/03/2023 21:01

If you’re late by 30 mins regularly then you do need extra support because your children need to get to school on time regardless of what sort of night you’ve had and as the parent it’s your responsibility to make it happen…if you can’t do that then you need help?

This. It is really disruptive to your DC’s, and other pupils learning, to be arriving up to 30 minutes late everyday.

Have you followed the advice they gave you to address the lateness?

Original poster
Scapegoatffs · 19/03/2023 21:07

Albertus · 19/03/2023 21:01

If you’re late by 30 mins regularly then you do need extra support because your children need to get to school on time regardless of what sort of night you’ve had and as the parent it’s your responsibility to make it happen…if you can’t do that then you need help?

We can literally be at the door to leave on time and have a meltdown from our school refuser and then vomiting from ds who hates the noise because of the meltdown we then have to have one of us to a quick change for ds and take him to be nearly on time just 5/10 mins late . Getting ready and out of the house and travelling when it’s busy seems to be a big trigger for things going wrong / sensory overload

OP posts:
Original poster
Scapegoatffs · 19/03/2023 21:08

RogersOrganismicProcess · 19/03/2023 21:07

This. It is really disruptive to your DC’s, and other pupils learning, to be arriving up to 30 minutes late everyday.

Have you followed the advice they gave you to address the lateness?

Show quote history

We’ve always had alarms on and always have everything ready the night before. We just do t know what challenges each night will bring and as above the mornings and getting out are challenging

OP posts:
Albertus · 19/03/2023 21:09

So if you have those issues when you get to the door, you need to get to the door half an hour earlier than you normally do right?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 19/03/2023 21:10

It's pretty typical for schools to assume 'parenting problems' when children have attendance issues, regardless of whether they have SEN.

This is wrong. EBSA (emotional behaviour school avoidance) is a recognised condition and us very prevalent amongst ASD children. The blame has shifted from parents, to a recognition of the condition. It is the schools responsibility now to try and get the student in. I also think but not totally sure that schools have to make adjustments in terms expected attendance. I was told this by my LEA autism education team.

Albertus · 19/03/2023 21:10

If you by some miracle do then end up 30 minutes early for school then so be it! I’m sure they’d rather that and you sit outside than be 30 minutes late and at least they can see you’ve made the effort! It’ll soon become habit.

Original poster
Scapegoatffs · 19/03/2023 21:11

Having another set of appts and adding someone the dc don’t know and aren’t comfortable with will just make their safe space (home) stressful for them (and me too - I’m overwhelmed as it is we have a lot of appts and we manage those at other locations but early help is home visits too and we aren’t up for that plus it won’t help it will cause more stress)

OP posts:
FloatingBean · 19/03/2023 21:12

Have you asked for referrals to sleep clinics? Do DC take anything to help with sleep?

What support are DC receiving? Do they have EHCPs?

It does sound you could do with support from early help.

BeatriceLacey · 19/03/2023 21:12

It could be considered a reasonable adjustment for children with ASD to go into school a bit later than everyone else so that they miss the crowds and the noise. I'd be tempted to ask the school to allow that.

Hurdling · 19/03/2023 21:12

Discuss it being necessary as a reasonable adjustment, schools are generally lacking about autism and what challenges this can mean. Have u got an autism team with your LA that can provide support? They were a turning point for us, prior to their involvement school were blaming our parenting, esp if kids seem ‘fine at school’.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 19/03/2023 21:13

The school shoukd be making adjustments for your late arrivals.

Mt Dd doesn’t go to registration. She starts in the first lesson.

theWarOnPeace · 19/03/2023 21:13

If it’s the busyness of the morning, then a staggered entry may be necessary because it would be considered a reasonable adjustment. If they do that every day, say get in for 9:30 then there’s no need to aim for 8:45 and everyone get upset. If that (removal of busyness) doesn’t eliminate the issues after a few weeks, then it’s looking at the next strategy. I promise you I sympathise, just trying to look for a pathway up to the surface. You get so bogged down when there’s daily meltdowns it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Something has to change in the layout of their days, and I don’t think homeschooling is necessarily the quick fix, it will bring new upset and new challenges.