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Original poster

ASD genetic link/ bad parenting

78 replies

Scapegoatffs · 19/03/2023 20:20

Has anyone come up against this kind of issue and if so what did you do? If you haven’t but have any advice please help !

I have more than one dc with ASD . I’m on the spectrum myself (but haven’t disclosed this to any professionals as don’t want to). We have been getting called in for multiple meetings at school and have been offered ‘early help’ which we declined as don’t feel it is needed plus we don’t need any more appts / dc and me don’t do well with people coming round etc basically it’ll cause more stress and won’t help that much.

I did a Subject access request as we’ve had so many meetings and contact. In some notes I read that my parenting is in question , it’s basically been put forward that do my dc actually have ASD (and one also has adhd) or is it in fact my parenting and / or learned behaviour.
Clearly there’s a genetic link - I’m actually angry that it’s being insinuated that my parenting is causing the dc to just appear to have ASD when actually they have been diagnosed and it’s obviously genetic but I feel as if I’m going to be blamed. It’s also not been taken well that we declined this ‘early help’. We have everything in place that needs to be so it seems pointless.

Im very annoyed that this has been put forward about me as there’s nothing wrong with my parenting but I’m not sure how to raise this now I’ve read it and how to address it b cause I want to set the record straight

OP posts:
Kune · 19/03/2023 21:13

It does sound like you're struggling and a bit defensive. I have an ASD child who school refuses so the accommodation is that we get there earlier than everyone else to avoid the overwhelm of the school gates. Perhaps suggest that and then you won't be late either. I mean this gently but your own rigid thinking isn't helping here.

Tietheapron · 19/03/2023 21:14

Comments about leaving 30 minutes early show how little some people understand.

Often, the earlier you get children up (especially children who do have autism but I think this holds true for anxiety too although the two can go together) the worse it makes them.

Original poster
Scapegoatffs · 19/03/2023 21:15

Kune · 19/03/2023 21:13

It does sound like you're struggling and a bit defensive. I have an ASD child who school refuses so the accommodation is that we get there earlier than everyone else to avoid the overwhelm of the school gates. Perhaps suggest that and then you won't be late either. I mean this gently but your own rigid thinking isn't helping here.

Absolutely I agree it’s a struggle for me too. I just feel like an agreed later start would be a good compromise for all involved . I do think they think I’m lazy and not getting up on time but I’m up way before the dc anyway it’s not that at all

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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Families General parenting SEN
HairyMcLair · 19/03/2023 21:16

Albertus · 19/03/2023 21:09

So if you have those issues when you get to the door, you need to get to the door half an hour earlier than you normally do right?

Easy enough to say, but in practice with a school refuser it doesn’t really make a difference.

OP does he have an EHCP? Whether you decide to HE or not I’d start the ball rolling - ring IPSEA and SOSSEN for advice.

At the moment it sounds like school is not being understanding of autism and the humongous levels of anxiety, and this can end up being very obstructive (whilst, ironically, accusing parents of the same!). I don’t know what to suggest about this though, we had the same and ended up HEing, but also managed to get ds an excellent EHCP.

Singleandproud · 19/03/2023 21:16

What is your morning routine and how do you get to school?

Do the school offer breakfast club so you don't have to try and get everyone breakfasted just get dressed, teeth brushed and off to school. If DC don't like school breakfast pack your own and eat it there or in the car.

Original poster
Scapegoatffs · 19/03/2023 21:16

Tietheapron · 19/03/2023 21:14

Comments about leaving 30 minutes early show how little some people understand.

Often, the earlier you get children up (especially children who do have autism but I think this holds true for anxiety too although the two can go together) the worse it makes them.

ds has to naturally wake if we wake him it’s a meltdown as soon as he opens his eyes and vomiting. It’s as if he can’t be woken from certain sleep cycles

OP posts:
Original poster
Scapegoatffs · 19/03/2023 21:17

Singleandproud · 19/03/2023 21:16

What is your morning routine and how do you get to school?

Do the school offer breakfast club so you don't have to try and get everyone breakfasted just get dressed, teeth brushed and off to school. If DC don't like school breakfast pack your own and eat it there or in the car.

Ds won’t eat with other children (has a vomiting problem) so breakfast club wouldn’t work . He has to come home for lunch as well

OP posts:
FloatingBean · 19/03/2023 21:17

Don’t deregister. If attending school isn’t appropriate the LA must provide alternative arrangements, but if you deregister you relive the LA of their duty to provide education. You can also look at EOTAS via an EHCP which unless money is no object can provide far more support than anyone EHEing can.

Original poster
Scapegoatffs · 19/03/2023 21:19

We walk. It is challenging as one is usually screaming and holding onto the door/gate/tree as school refuses (we get there though and then walks in fine !) ds hates how busy it is and noisy on the way, won’t tolerate ear defenders despite hating noise ! If we go later it’s at least less busy which helps

OP posts:
Original poster
Scapegoatffs · 19/03/2023 21:22

Maybe I should explain about me ? I haven’t before as really wanted privacy about my own medical conditions but I really feel it’s the piece of information they maybe need to make them drop the idea about bad parenting / laziness ?

OP posts:
theWarOnPeace · 19/03/2023 21:25

Scapegoatffs · 19/03/2023 21:15

Absolutely I agree it’s a struggle for me too. I just feel like an agreed later start would be a good compromise for all involved . I do think they think I’m lazy and not getting up on time but I’m up way before the dc anyway it’s not that at all

Show quote history

Please take this kindly from me too, stop assuming what they’ll think. They have no business thinking anything about you being lazy or whatever, because EBSA is real, ASC is real. You have the diagnoses.

You need to understand yours and your children’s rights to reasonable adjustments and SEN support under the law, and put it to the school as a necessity due to their conditions. If you worry about what these people are all thinking (I know it’s not that simple) then this road will be more fraught than it needs to be.

Your own autism will make it a struggle to navigate all of this, and I’m kindly suggesting that you explore your own communication needs, rigidity in thinking and other things that will be a barrier for you while dealing back and forth with schools and CAMHS for however many years to come. I’m coming from experience here, put your own oxygen mask on asap as it’s hard dealing with all of this when not giving yourself any reasonable adjustments.

FloatingBean · 19/03/2023 21:25

Would transport make it easier?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 19/03/2023 21:25

It’s not bad parenting it laziness and l would challenge that.

The problem is the school aren’t adjusting their timings to accommodate your children. They have to do this by law. . They are the ones in the wrong not you.

My DD’s school have bent over backwards to accommodate her. They are breaking the Equalities Act if they don’t make reasonable adjustments. A late start would be a reasonable adjustment. My dd gets one.

ilovewispas · 19/03/2023 21:25

You need to leave half an hour earlier. Wake your son from an earlier sleep cycle. He will get tired earlier and you also put him to bed earlier.

I say this with huge sympathy as mum of a son with ASD.

I possibly have it too, undiagnosed though.

It isn't reasonable for them to accept you being up to 30 mins late or late regularly as that is also unsettling for your children and the rest of the class.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 19/03/2023 21:25

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ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 19/03/2023 21:27

It isn't reasonable for them to accept you being up to 30 mins late or late regularly as that is also unsettling for your children and the rest of the class

My DD’s school did this as soon as we asked. It’s a perfectly reasonable adjustment.

Equalbutdifferent · 19/03/2023 21:27

Albertus · 19/03/2023 21:01

If you’re late by 30 mins regularly then you do need extra support because your children need to get to school on time regardless of what sort of night you’ve had and as the parent it’s your responsibility to make it happen…if you can’t do that then you need help?

I don't think you have any idea about autism or how it affects participation in school and employment for many autistic people. Early Help do not have magic wands which take away lifelong conditions.

Education needs to be adjusted to enable autistic children to receive a suitable education. That may include different patterns of attendance. Have a look at the Equality Act and the SEND code of practice and you'll get a better idea of who needs to do what.

Judgemental finger wagging at autistic families is not a good look.

Mynameisntrelevant · 19/03/2023 21:29

I do understand the problems and yes school can be a bit more understanding but a really they've reached out to you and offered early intervention which you've turned down.

Start the routine early- do you have symbols, Ehcp, social worker? What do school have in place for the vomiting? Is it behavioural? Very common. School refusal very common.

premicrois · 19/03/2023 21:31

It doesn't matter if it's genetic or not because school are not qualified to question a diagnosis irrespective of genetics.

The refusal of help is probably what has led to this though. That and the lateness. Add in the SAR and it really does sound like you are fighting against them.

You say it's obviously genetic but you haven't disclosed you diagnosis so it won't be obvious at all.

MissShapesMissStakes · 19/03/2023 21:33

I would talk to the school about reasonable adjustments and a later start time. The responsibility is on the school to make adjustments to help your child better access school.

My kids are asd and home educated but still I know the struggle of getting out of the house, even when it's a nice thing to go to, never mind somewhere which is probably causing anxiety already.

Equalbutdifferent · 19/03/2023 21:33

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AllOfThemWitches · 19/03/2023 21:34

Fantastic.

OP: I'm trying my absolute best to get them to school on time but due to multiple ASD related issues, it's a bloody nightmare.

Mumsnet: no no no, regardless of autism, you HAVE to get them there on time.

Pretty sure OP was already feeling the pressure. I wish people who don't have experience of disabilities in this way would actually just butt out of these threads.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 19/03/2023 21:34

Nooooo l wasn’t criticising. I said it’s not about bad parenting or laziness! It was a typo!

Equalbutdifferent · 19/03/2023 21:37

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 19/03/2023 21:34

Nooooo l wasn’t criticising. I said it’s not about bad parenting or laziness! It was a typo!

Ah! Thanks for clarifying @AArseInTheCoOpWindow

IndiganDop · 19/03/2023 21:37

A planned late start would be a reasonable adjustments, but not by 30 mins or so, as that would be unfavourable treatment - in that the yp would constantly miss the beginning of the day with orientation etc and possibly the beginning of the teaching of first lesson. What they do need to do is work with your school avoider to find out what is stressful in particular and put things in place to try to mitigate that so he or she is less anxious coming in to school. You could speak to camhs about melatonin to try to regulate your kids' sleep cycles too. A late start isn't sufficient in itself as it reacting to the problem rather than trying to mitigate it. You are late because your child finds school stressful. They need to identify stressors and reduce them, not just accept that you will be dealing with a screaming child and they therefore need to let you be late.