Step Parenting Support Groups

[valleygirl]

Hi

i've been on mumsnet a few times and think it's a really great website. however i notice that there is nothing on the specific problems that "step-parents" encounter.

i am in my early 30's, and am in a relationship with a man who has 2 small children from a previous relationship. As we live together and have the children over 3 out of 5 weekends I now find myself suddenly thrown at the deep end where I am to all intense and purposes a part-time parent. Previous to this I had no experience of children of any age - non of my friends have kids, I never babysat as a teenager, and my siblings are childless too.

I am lucy that the kids do seem to absolutely love me, and Iam very fond of them. My partner is very considerate and encouraging, but nontheless I feel quite isolated and lonely at times. I find myself confronted with issues that I find my friends just can't really realate to, and as much as my partner wants to understand and help, it is impossible for him to be objective on some matters as many relate directly to the children, and in particularly how the issues of divided loyalty and the anxiety I feel about caring for children who are not my own.

I wonder if anyone out there may have any details of any support groups, be it in person or online here in the UK? I have searched the internet and it seems that the US is much more "step-parent" friendly than us here in the UK (I do feel that in soem ways we are obviously just expected "to get on with it". However I found approach of the American websiteS("read this book, it'll tranform your life" kind of stuff)rather nauseating.

Be really grateful for any feedback from anyone with any answers or similar fears.

Valleygirl

hi pixieone
what a horrible situation for you.Sorry but what is his problem?
I cant understand why he cannot mention you or tell his ex wife about you.He divorced her 5 yrs ago for gods sake. Does this mean he has to keep his private life a secret in case she finds out?
I cant understand why he is being like this with you.You say she wants him back badly, well he doesnt want her so it is just TOUGH.She will have to get over it.
You say she will use the kids as a weapon against him and she sounds like she will but does that mean he has to cowtow to every whim of hers for the sake of seeing his kids.He has joint custody so I cant see a problem. Is the joint custody legally binding because if it is I dont think she has a leg to stand on.
IMO and please dont take offence as I am just an outsider looking at your problem but he seems to me to be a very weak willed man.I mean what is it going to be like when and if you have a child together. Do you have to keep that quiet?
He should be more assertive and tell her to butt out and keep out and put his foot down.Otherwise this sort of thing will go on for the rest of his life and your life.

If a woman really wants to stop her former partner ever seeing his kids again she can, so it's a serious threat. She could move to another country, accuse him of abusing them...anything. Men are really up sh*t creek when it comes to kids. My dh is the best father you can imagine, and his daughter just worships him, but his ex has still progressively cut his contact down and down. If a woman refused to let her ex see the kids the courts can't touch her. This man's wife sounds like a psycho and he sounds like a good man who loves his children so I can understand his dilemma - he literally risks losing his children. It will be very hard for him, and I think you have to understand what is at stake for him. You describe him as a kind and loving man and I'm sure he is. Would you like to be with a man who would happily give up his kids or would you prefer to love a man who knows the meaning of the true love for a child? I think you do have to be patient and talk to him about this - tell him how much you understand his feelings and try to support him. He is risking a lot by being with you and letting his kids meet you, no matter how tough you find it. Joint custody doesn't mean anything - I would imagine she has residence and he has contact. This is a very, very tough situation and I think you should be prepared for hard times ahead. If she hears about you, she may very well stop him seeing his kids and that's a tough call for any loving parent. Sorry if this sounds depressing, but my dhs's ex is a witch, but even she never threated to cut off contact completely but wanted to make sure that he only saw his daughter once a month (after she found out about me) but it went to court and now it is alternate weekends, which devastated my dh who used to see her every weekend. It's still very raw for him. Doormat, I understand what you are saying, but if, as a result of your meeting a new man, you never saw your kids again, would you be so relaxed about it? I can understand his fears 100%.

Aloha yes you are right and in full agreement with the fact that women have the upper hand and supreme power when it comes to contact with the children when a relationship breaks down.
But is it right for pixieones partner to be "emotionally blackmailed" for the rest of his living days.I think we both agree on No for that one. He needs to make a stand somewhere and put his foot down with his ex wife otherwise he will be sneaking around living a seperate "private life" in fear of her finding out.To me this is neither fair on pixieone or her new partner.Could he not seek legal advice on his situation? He had a restraining order out on her because of the last relationship he had. Surely this could help him with this "fatal attraction bitch" with this new relationship of his.
IMO this situation reeks of domestic abuse (mental)on the ex wifes part.
Aloha you also asked if I was in his position what would I do if I never seen my children again because I had a new partner. Good question.
TBH I would fight tooth and nail for my children but I would also fight for my right to live freely and happy, not sneaking around for the rest of my life.If I was in his position I would be preparing for "battle".And the last foot down.

Thank you so much for your support, your comments have really helped me to try and understand both situations!

I've also realised that after feeling quite anxious and panicky these last few days i need to take more nourishing time for myself so that i do not become a needy wreck - ha ha ! Sometimes as women we tend to put so much emphasis on another's needs and fail to see how much love and support we need ourselves....

Love and light
xx