Step Parenting Support Groups

[valleygirl]

Hi

i've been on mumsnet a few times and think it's a really great website. however i notice that there is nothing on the specific problems that "step-parents" encounter.

i am in my early 30's, and am in a relationship with a man who has 2 small children from a previous relationship. As we live together and have the children over 3 out of 5 weekends I now find myself suddenly thrown at the deep end where I am to all intense and purposes a part-time parent. Previous to this I had no experience of children of any age - non of my friends have kids, I never babysat as a teenager, and my siblings are childless too.

I am lucy that the kids do seem to absolutely love me, and Iam very fond of them. My partner is very considerate and encouraging, but nontheless I feel quite isolated and lonely at times. I find myself confronted with issues that I find my friends just can't really realate to, and as much as my partner wants to understand and help, it is impossible for him to be objective on some matters as many relate directly to the children, and in particularly how the issues of divided loyalty and the anxiety I feel about caring for children who are not my own.

I wonder if anyone out there may have any details of any support groups, be it in person or online here in the UK? I have searched the internet and it seems that the US is much more "step-parent" friendly than us here in the UK (I do feel that in soem ways we are obviously just expected "to get on with it". However I found approach of the American websiteS("read this book, it'll tranform your life" kind of stuff)rather nauseating.

Be really grateful for any feedback from anyone with any answers or similar fears.

Valleygirl

Hi Valleygirl
I read your message with interest as I am also married to someone with two children from a previous marriage, although we have been together a long time now (together 15 yrs, married for 10) and I have known his sons since they were 2 and 5. Basically we've been through some good times and some bad times and even though they haven't lived with us full-time, it can still be very difficult at times. It would have been great to have access to a step-parent support group, as I also didn't really know anyone in the same position as me - I was only 21 when we got together so you do get thrown in at the deep end a bit. I didn't have any experience with children either... I guess the only good thing (from starting out young) is that I have been like more of a "friend" than a parent to them. Let me know if you would like to email me, otherwise I'd be interested to hear how you go with finding some support. Good luck.

Dear Liamsmum

Thanks for responding. I thought for a while I was going to be a lone voice out there!!

My partner's children are also 2 and 5, and I do find dealing with the 5 year so much easier than dealing with the 2 year old. I sometimes think that I'm dealing with a little alien - it's all so foreign and strange, and I suppose I am over sensitive to any rebuff I experience from the little one as if it is him telling me that I am not his mum and that I am the interloper who stops his dad from giving him ALL of his attention and love that he wants. It's hard for me that one minute he's all love and cuddles and the next he can't even bare to look at me!!Those times really get to me. I guess it highlights my inexperience but also where my insecurities lie.

I guess the other area I'm really struggling with at the moment is the thought of the forever-ness of the whole situation. That for the next 10-12 years I am with my partner my weekends and 1 night a week will be taken up with his children, I will be second best in his life and being a person who has enjoyed a great deal of personal freedom in the past I do find myself feeling quite suffocated at this prospect and quite threatened too if I'm honest. Is this something you experienced, and if so how did you reconcile what your life was to the life you found yourself living? Sometimes I just don't feel that I'm living the life that I was meant to!!

If i try to talk to people about these feelings they seem to think "well, you knew what you were getting yourself into". The fact is it's impossible to really know this until you go through it!

Do you now have children of your own with your husband?

thanks again
valleygirl

Hi valleygirl
Started this earlier today and was interrupted - have returned to see your reply to Liamsmum and my reply seems even more pertinent. You are doing a really really tough job, in some ways harder than bringing up your own children, and the fact that you're on mumsnet and interested and worried means that you are already doing the right thing. Sounds like the children love you too, although, like you, their feelings are never going to be clear cut and unambivalent.
I don't know of any groups I'm afraid but I do know how you feel. My partner has 3 other kids and when we first met I was just the same as you - very few of my friends had kids and I officially 'didn't like children'. The kids, 2 girls then 9 and 11 (same mum) and a one year old boy (mother who just wanted a child but not the father - mmm, yes, many issues here...) were a daunting prospect. However, the two oldest girls were the nicest, sweetest, most wonderful human beings I have ever had the opportunity to meet and although they have now hit hormones and turned into teenagers I have every confidence that in a few years I will have my two lovely girls back, just older and wiser.

However, the youngest was another story altogether. This is where I can completely empathise with you. Small children are largely into their mummies and daddies and often look on step parents as some kind of nasty interloper at worst or an irrelevence at best. Well, that was what my dss (dear step son??) was like for a very long time. When he came to stay (every other weekend) I would leave home, literally - staying out all day or going away for the weekend, because I found him so difficult. He was rude and stroppy and rejecting and basically your typical boy toddler - only he wasn't MINE. He was a horrible little stranger that came into MY house and MY life and didn't even like me. My dp was not as supportive as yours sounds and would get really cross with how negative I was around his son.

There came a point however, and I don't know if this would have happened anyway as he had by then left the terrible twos (and threes in his case), when I just said to myself "this can't go on". I knew that this little boy was going to be a part of my life for the next 20 odd years (by this time I was pregnant with my own child) and that by sticking my head in the sand and pretending that it was all his fault for being such an unpleasant child was not going to get us anywhere. So I made a supreme effort, took him out without his dad and was nice to him for a whole morning. Within minutes he was being nice back. Neither of us have ever looked back though of course I do still find him exhasperating and difficult at times.

What I am trying to say I suppose is that it is difficult to love another woman's child, especially when they do not behave in the way you expect your children will do. I do understand it when you say the thought of sharing your life with these 2 children and being second best when they are around is hard and makes you wonder if it's worth it. I suppose you've got to tell yourself that the man you love is not just any old man, he's a man with children and you have to learn to love the whole package. You sound like you put a lot of effort into his children and it does pay off, really it does. When they are really little it is that more difficult, as I said and as you yourself have found. Just as you make and strengthen your relationship with your partner, the same should be true of your relationship with his children. There's no easy answer, but in my experience, the more fun time you spend with them (particularly when dp is not there) the more rewarding it is and the easier it is to love them and for them to love you back. I will never, ever forget one of the two girls saying "you're the first girlfriend of Dad's that's into spending time just with us and not only with him." Moments like these make it all worthwhile.

Hope this helps a bit, though sounds like you are coping admirably. Please feel free to ask me anything you want about being a stepmother - it's nice to feel like I am experienced at something! My own daughter is only 1 and I am still a very new mummy.

Valleygirl, I too am a step mum to my dh's 3 kids (8,9,13). Two of them are from one mother who is a witch and the the older one is from another mother who I get along with. But all three of them have a very different home life with their mothers than they do with us. Like you I didn't have any friends with children and have never been very child friendly so it was quite a change to take on 3 kids (they come to us almost every weekend, sometimes together and sometimes not). I really had no one to advise me or to even talk to and I just had to sort of muddle through, basically doing what I thought was best. It's now been 4 years and dh and I have 2 children of our own now. I was very insistent in the beginning that my stepkids behave in my house as I would expect from my own children the day I had them. This meant a lot of conflict with the mothers (who are much less strict than I am) and some conflict with the kids (it's amazing how quickly they adapt). Luckily my husband was very supportive of me (this is essential, by the way). Now that I have 2 of my own, I am so glad that I perservered. It means that I don't have 3 stepkids setting a bad example for my children every weekend. And it also means there is one set of rules for the house, that applies to all children. The rules are really mostly in the food dept. (no sweets before meals, no crisps in the house, no Coke after 6pm, eat what is on your plate, try at least one bite of everything, use a fork, etc.) and the behavior dept. (no temper tantrums to get things, please, thank you, pick up your own clothes, etc.). The kids picked things up quickly as in general they felt my rules were reasonable. It made my life easier and in a funny way, theirs too, since if they followed the rules they didn't get told off as much as in their mothers' houses where the boundaries changed daily.
Of course I love my own children "more" than my stepkids, but I don't think that is wrong or unusual. The important thing is not to show them any favoritism or anything that would produce jealousy among the kids.
There are days when I just want to pack up and go anywhere that doesn't have 3 stepkids. But there are also times when I am thoroughly thankful that my 2 children have 3 older siblings to play with. It's not easy, but it does have rewards.
Hope it helps to know that there are others out there with the same issues as you. Good luck.

Oh, there are lots of us stepmother on here. I have one stepdaugher who is 11. She was six when I met her and she was jealous initially, but we just plugged on and now it's not an issue any more. I think it gets 'easier' in a way when you have your own children as then you don't go out or do unchild-friendly things anyway! As we no longer have lie-ins together or while away a whole afternoon driving to a riverside pub for a leisurely drink (ah, if only) the fact that you have a stepchild stops feeling restrictive. The great thing about becoming a stepmother to children as young as your dp's is that they won't remember a time when you weren't around and will love you as part of their family. When that all clicks, you will almost certainly start to love them back. Find things to do you can all enjoy as a family - I found my stepdaughter a great excuse to recreate things I loved from my own childhood - the big museums followed by lunch at a specific Italian cafe, making dolls clothes, playing board games while drinking hot chocolate, charades etc etc. Yes, I love my son more, or at least in a different way, I have to admit, but then she has two parents who love her in the way my dh and I love our son, so I think that's fair! My main problem is with her evil witch/bitch of a mother, who has tried to ruin our lives - but that's a different story...

Hi Valleygirl,
I can fully understand your position. When I met dh I was a 26 year old career woman,did exactly as I pleased 24,7, I had just bought my own house( furnished with cream carpets and peachy suite etc), I had not had any contact with small children, and in fact had no intention of having any of my own.I was very happy and had no plans for even a relaionship.
Then along came a man who I feel for instantly. He had a 10 month old daughter and an ex from hell!! I very nearly didn't get involved, but a gut feeling told me to carry on, this was the man for me, and to be with him I had to form a relationship with his dd.
It has been a great help her being so young when we met, as someone said before, she does not remember me not being there.She sees us every weekend, more in school hols,and stays as and when she chooses( she is now 8).As for my career and not wanting to have kids well.....best layed plans !!!We now have 4yo twin ds's, I work pt and don't give a fig about my career.It's great fun if you let yourself get involved!!!My friends at the time thought I was mad, that it would never work, there was too much hassle.
All i'd say is follow your feelings if it feels right and your prepared to work at bonding with his children, then it will.

Valleygirl, yes I now have one little boy with dh who's 2 1/2, and he's a very good kid most of the time. The main thing I would emphasise is for you to get your cards out on the table with your dp, in other words, is it your desire to have your own children and if so, how does he feel about it? Would he support you if you wanted to have a child (or children)? Also how do you both see your future, and what do you want out of life? The reason I say this is that some of the toughest times in my life have been in relation to the fact that dh had a previous marriage and a family. Initially he didn't want to re-marry because he'd been there/done that and it didn't work out, so after 5 years of being together I almost left him because I didn't know where the relationship was going. We also had his ex-wife being quite difficult in the first few years and it was very tedious to say the least, and then I had to get used to the fact that these children were always going to be a permanent fixture in our lives and that I would have to learn to take the good with the bad, whether I liked it or not. And to top everything off, dh decided after we'd been together for a while that he didn't want any more children, and this caused huge problems, mainly because he didn't make these feelings clear to me in the beginning. I ended up falling pregnant when I was 34 (unplanned) and went through 9 months of hell with him because he was NOT happy about the prospect of having another child. I don't think I've ever been through a worse time.

Fortunately everything is much better in that department now, as ds was a good baby and we had plenty of support from my parents, so dh managed to accept it and loves ds in spite of his initial feelings. But it has been extremely tough at times and when I look back, I would have had none of these problems if I'd chosen a single guy with no ex-wife and children! If your dp is a decent guy, I'm sure he'll be supportive of you and try to help you through it. But I totally understand your feelings of restriction and of feeling 'left out' when his kids are around. If he's the man you really want to be with, then I think you just have to embrace the whole situation and make the best of it.. just make sure you both understand each other's feelings and desires for the future. Best of luck.

Hi vallygirl,
The thing that helped me overcome, the "left out", feeling, was the thought that, this was a little girl who loved her daddy, but only got to see him for a few hours a week(in the early days),the rest of the time he was mine. My step dd is still very clingy with her father, until about 18 months ago she would want to eat her food sitting on his lap,and spent much of her time with us wrapped around him.
I think it's just something you have to overlook, and just make the most of your time alone together.

Valleygirl I didn't mean to sound so negative in my last post, I guess I was just trying to alert you to some of the problems I have experienced!

Fortunately for us, dh's children only came every second weekend and we didn't see them at all during the week, so we still got to have time alone together. We also went away on holidays on our own, but sometimes we would take the kids away with us as well. The arrangement was also that we would have them for a couple of weeks during the school holidays. I really think it was a balancing act between maintaining our relationship (which you have to do) and spending time with the children. It truly is hard when they are someone else's kids - but as the others have said, dh's kids were young when I met them and this turned out to be a good thing. They grew up knowing me and we also had some really good times together, a few years ago we took them over to the USA for a couple of weeks and did the Disneyland/Universal Studios thing, and really enjoyed our time together. So it can be good... as long as you find that balance and manage to still do the things you want to do. It's also important that you have authority in your own home and be treated with respect by the kids, and having a partner who supports you certainly helps.

See - you're not a lone voice! There are lots of us out there. It's really nice for me too, actually, to see how all of you deal with things and feel about being step mums. I agree with what everyone's said - re the having your own children thing, I think that's vital to establish. And if you do have your own, like aloha says, your life becomes much more child centred and therefore easier to include the other children in. I definitely found this.
It seems we all have issues at times with the exes, I get on really well with one (she is my dd's godmother) but find the other much more difficult. But I try to keep things civil.... Luckily both exes have similar parenting styles to us so there's not that much conflict. However, i do think sofieames' approach is great - I remember the first awful summer holiday when I had the 2 girls and dp (school hols too as he worked in education) all lazing around the house, making it a tip for me to come home to. I am much tidier than dp (and kids) and it was horrible. I wish now that I had set the ground rules before rather than nagging and being resentful and angry. I was very young at the time (well it seems so now!) and things would be very different now. The girls now have their own lives and we see them much less regularly which is sad (I miss them) but has its benefits too (no teenage sulks and selfishness to deal with - got another decade at least before that kicks in for me!)
Nice to meet all you wicked stepmothers.

hello all

well, hearing from all of you has really made a huge psychological difference. Just knowing that other's out there have gone through what I am going through now has made me feel like less of an ogre, that what I'm feeling is quite natural, and that I'm not this totally selfish bitch that I sometimes fear I am.

We had the kids over this weekend and it went really well. First time in about a month and a half that I haven't felt like I'm on the verge of going nuts!! Even though the weather was bad and we couldn't face leaving the house it didn't turn into cabin fever nightmare!!

We don't have any plans to have kids of our own at the moment (early days), and there is the problem of the fact that my partner had a vasectomy during his previous relationship so that he wouldn't be emotionally balckmailed into havign any other children by his former partner. So that worries me at times, whether we can even have kids of our own when/if I am ready. He certainly doesn't have a problem with the fact that I might one day want a family of my own, I seem to swing in opposite directions usually depending on how I am dealing with the step-kids!! Like Cha I am considered a person who doesn't actually "like children" very much!! So that natural maternal instinct that some people have I just don't posses. But I can understand what you all mean that once you have kids of your own the "caring for another woman's children" thing must not be such an issue, as you have created a life of your own to love and so the step-kids might not be such an emotional threat anymore and that your whole life becomes centred around kids anyway.

Anyway, I think I do a pretty good job of bonding with them - the eldest tells me he loves me and the youngest has called his mum by my name, which makes me think I am doing lots right. I do somtimes wonder how to deal with the eldest one telling me that he loves me - I don't tell him that I love him back because that's not actually true, though I like him loads. But I give him a hug and a big kiss and say thank you very much for that. But I worry that one day he'll turn around and say "All those times I told you I loved you and you never said it back"!! The main issue for me is still to get my head round the fact that my life has changed beyond recognition and that I have these 2 little people who aren't mine to care for and look after for the rest of my life!!! And all around me I have people saying that they don't think they could do what I'm doing - I don't know i it's a statement of admiration or one of relief that they are not in my shoes!

God so much to learn

As for the -ex's. well that's a whole other discussion board is it not?!!!

valleygirl

Well done valleygirl - everything that you say you are doing is just right, I think. And don't worry about what you say to the eldest about loving you, sounds like you're dealing with it fine and I very much doubt he'll remember or hold it against you. Who knows, one day maybe you might feel the same way as he does anyway?

The vasectomy thing worries me though - I know you can reverse them but I don't think they are all that successful (someone correct me if I am wrong). Still, sounds like you're not exactly broody yet anyway. He is very lucky to have you, and so are his kids.

valleygirl, funnily enough, my dh had a vasectomy while with his last partner as he didn't want any more children with her. He had it reversed for me and although the stupid nhs doctors said the reversal hadn't worked...it did and we have 2 lovely children to show for it. In general the sooner after the vasectomy you have the reversal, the more likely it is to work. So if you are thinking about kids you should do the reversal sooner rather than later. However, bare in mind that the reversal is a much more major operation than the vasectomy itself. Then again, there are other options like ICSI if the reversal doesn't work or if he doesn't want to undergo one.

Valleygirl I was also an official "disliker of children" and didn't get broody til I was about 31 or 32. Even then I couldn't decide if I REALLY wanted to go through with it or not, and eventually I decided that it was important to me to have a child. Then I was faced with a very anti-children husband, because he had aged quite a bit since we first got married. So even if you don't necessarily want children now, it could definitely become an issue later on down the track.

Sofieames - thanks for the advice on vasectomy reversals. i have done some research on the internet to find some facts, and it does seem that it is quite important to have the reversal done within 3 years if possible - my boyfriend had his done 15 months ago, so i have spoken to him and he will visit his GP to discuss his/our options. i know he will be very nervous about having the op as he had a hideous infection after the initial operation, by that i mean a testicle the size of a grapefruit! Ouch! And i gather the reversal is a more intricate and painful experience post-op.
It is so convenient for me right now - no need for contraception worries, no worries about accidental pregnancy, it's so liberating!! but on the other hand i am forward thinking and positive enough about our future together to realise that i may want kids of my own at some point, and the sooner we deal with this the less likely for tears or recrimination in the future. How sad for him to have felt so trapped in a realtionship that he went ahead with such a drastic operation -i mean he's only 34!!

I found this thread and was wondering valleygirl (if you're still around!)if you managed to find any good step-parenting web sites or support groups. I also have a step child (teenage) who is going to be living with us soon, and I am quite apprehensive about it. Just wondering.. thank you.

Hi Holly02

unfortunately I didn't come up with anything particularly useful - being on mumsnet seemed to be the most psychologically useful thing I could have done though. Parentlineplus.org.uk has a helpline you can phone which I haven't had the need to resort to - yet (!) but they will also send out information of where to get in touch with a local parenting class. There didn't seem to be anything going on in London, so God knowa what the situation is like in the rest of the counry?

I do think however that "step-parents" have specific issues to deal with, and I still find that it's hard for people to really appreciate the anxieties I have to deal with.

Do you have children of your own? And is it a recent decision that he move in with you? I'm still grappling with the issues of looking after someone else's kids and in some ways am very grateful that they are so young, but know that one day i'll have to deal with the horror of teenage-dom! My own teenage years are still recent enough to find the prospect horryfying! Then again, at least at that age they aren't so helpless and dependant!

I'll let you know if by soem miracle I stumble across something useful.

Hi Holly02 & valleygirl

Maybe we should set up our own one on Mumsnet! I have 2 teenage step daughters so if you have anything you need to talk about holly02, please do.
I have my own horror at the moment to deal with. Where do I start? The eldest found it particularly hard when me and her father had our own child - now 14 months. She overheard an auntie asking me at Xmas when/if I was going to have another and got quite upset about it. I've just (today) found out that I am pregnant - SHIIIITTTT - and am feeling awful. Really guilty because I tried to reassure her that I didn't really want another (which is / was true) and now this. SIGH.
She is coming over tonight to babysit for New Year's Eve (no wild partying for me tonight) and I don't know how to approach it. I am not going to tell her I am pregnant as it's too early, but should we broach the subject again so soon after we last told her the opposite? Oh God. Feel so awful.

I wouldn't rush into broaching the subject again just yet Cha. It sounds like you were not really planning a baby (I hope I read that correctly) so when the time comes can you be honest about that? Is she mature enough to accept that not everything goes to plan even for responsible adults? Or would you prefer to keep that to yourself?

You're right Bozza. Thank you. Just feeling all in a turmoil as I really wasn't expecting this. I just did a pg test because I had one left over, my period is about a week or two late and I thought - as a wild night was planned - I'd better just make sure. I nearly died when the 2 lines came up. I still can't quite take it in. But you're right - now is not the time to be talking about whether or not we will be having more babies etc to her. I still need to get my own head round it.
She is an intelligent and sensible girl and I will tell her that we didn't plan this when the time comes. However, there is rational thought and emotional reaction and these are two quite separate things. She may be able to understand that we didn't plan another baby but she will still feel all the angry, jealous feelings she did last time. It was truly horrid last time. Don't know I can face it again. Don't know if I can face the whole preganancy, childbirth, sleep depravation thing again. Sorry - you've just got me on a negative one. Will feel better in a bit I'm sure. Love dd to bits, don't know how I could possibly love another as much!

Cha you obviously have fairly mixed up feelings yourself at the moment so definitely keep your step daughter out of the equation at the moment. I can understand something so major happening unexpectedly at this time of year you are bound to be all over the place. Are you/have you told DP yet?

Certainly understand your point of the difference between rational thought and emotions.

Hi again Cha

I did consider settign up my own web-site to get step-parents of Britain talking and sharing their gripes! But as I know nothing of the internet, and website development I didn't think about it for too long! It does seem sometimes that just as you get over one hurdle as a step-parent another one comes up - that's probably common to all parents though, not just step-parents. Or is that life in general!

Reading your previous thread I note that she is 11 - I guess 11 is still quite young isn't it, and so she could well feel quite threatened by the arrival of your baby - a new rival for the attention of her dad especially. But she might not be too young for you to sit down and talk to her one on one, woman to woman as it were, about how these things (ie your pregnancy) can sometimes just happen and be a total surprise to all concerned. How quickly did she come to terms with the arrival of your first child? If she is happy with her new sibling now then she will probably be ok once she has adjusted to the news.

Anyway in my opinion (I'm only going on instinct here and based on how I would have liked to have been treated as an 11 yr old!)openess and honesty is the best policy with kids, and ultimatly so long as they are secure in the knowledge of your love for them they will get over these jealousies. Obviously you have to take care of their feelings, but I think that you also have to care for your own feelings, and you are thoroughly entitled to be overjoyed with this new development in your life!

And if she proves difficult make sure your dh backs you fully and has a father/daughter
chat-ette too!

Good luck anyway, and Happy New Year. Sounds like your NYE will be as exciting as mine!!!

Cha, sorry to hear about your predicament - hope it all works out ok for you. Let us know how it goes.

Valleygirl, yes I have a son who will be 3 in a few months' time. The situation with dh's teenager has only come about recently - it's a long story but dh feels it would be best for him to live with us for a while. He's a nice kid and I've always gotten on well with him, but I'm well aware that it can be different when they actually live with you. I guess I'm not keen for it to happen, but it will probably only be for about 18 months so I will have to try to grit my teeth and get through it. The thing I'm anticipating the most is that teenagers tend to think the world revolves around them and I suppose I don't want our home to be like treated like a hotel by him and his friends. I also feel that I will end up with most of the responsibility, even though he's not my child, because dh has a very busy and responsible job. These scenarios may not end up being the case at all, but I guess I'm imagining the worst... oh the perils of divorce/remarriage/other peoples' children!!!

A week or so later and everything seems less scary. Got used to the fact that I am pg and waiting for a dating scan. It may be 11 weeks (!!!) so the telling everyone time has come much sooner than last time. The eldest stepchild is actually nearly 16 now, which means she is quite grown up most of the time but also regresses to the level of a 2 year old with the selfishness and the sulky tantrums. She will not take this news well. But you are all right, she has got used to her little sister and is in fact very good with her. The next one will eventually be the same.

Holly02 - I do sympathise with your predicament. I have had step children staying for most of the summer holidays and although I love them and get one well with them, it is hard. I suggest you look back at this thread to something sofiames said. I really admire her stand. She made some very sound ground rules which made life for her and her stepchildren much easier. If you think about what annoys you (for me it's mess, not helping with the housework etc) and sit down with your dp and come up with some ground rules. Also, (and this is from me) if you ever find yourself feeling cross or resentful, don't sit on it - easier said than done - it doesn't go away and just means that you eventually blow over some triviality (bitter experience here). Good luck and keep us all posted.

I've recently met with a man who i dated 16 years ago for a year !

I've been single now for a year after a painful breakup with a boyfriend and he's been divorced 5 years. He has a boy 5 and a girl 10 and an american ex-wife who often threatens him about the children. He has joint custody 3 times a week and she often lands him with the kids when we're about to do something special and i can't get to see him. She doesn't know about me but she's desperate to have him back.. He's had one serious relationship and she went mad and he had to get a restraining order on her. His relationship broke down for other reasons but he's frightened she's gonna react the same and use the kids as a weapon. I've been with him 3 months and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and i've just met his daughter (10) who seemed to adore me. He tried to make a go of it with her nearly 8 months ago but doesn't have the same feelings for her (and never really has) and it only lasted a few weeks. She had an affair 5 years ago and his son had to be tested to see if he's the dad - luckily he is...

Anyway, i find it hard that he's not told her yet (to keep the peace) and that i have to wait in the wings for when he's available. He's a kind and loving man (age 36) and i'm (33), and we feel very strongly about each other. Am I to just stay patient and see or am i entitled to demand she knows ??

we've talked about marriage and he really wants to have a child with me too...and stay together forever - that's all he's ever wanted.. someone to love and cherish.

sorry it's so garbled......

Any feedback would help.