Huge row with husband over baby. Not sure where to go from here

[bexyo]

Our 4mo son has always been small and has struggled with sleep and feeding

This weekend my husband tried to bottle feed him (hes BF but used to take a bottle a day of EM) and he rejected it after a couple of ounces like he has the last few days. He quickly remarked our son hadn't eaten enough today.

I just broke down. I have been taking him for weigh ins every 2 weeks with the HV, been visiting the infant feeding team, taken him to an osteopath, tried Googling a million things to try. No, they haven't worked, but I've tried.

His flippant remark just hurt me. It felt like a dig. I said he could help me by trying new things, looking things up. He said nothing I've googled has helped so far so what's the point

I'm just so done. I've tried everything and I spend my whole day worrying about his weight and feeding, trying to get milk in him however I can. It just annoys me I feel like nothing I do is appreciated or acknowledged.

I'm so stressed and upset about his weight as it is and I need support and help rather than observations that make me more stressed.

Are the HV and the IFT actually concerned about his weight?

Hi. Sort of. They keep rebooking our weigh ins although he hasn't dropped hugely on the scales. He was born at 9th and is on the 4th percentile now.

I don’t know how relevant this is, but are you (occasionally) weighing him before and after feeding to know he’s definitely drinking enough?

I got enormous grief from the HV about my underweight baby. My mother said oh, you were exactly the same, and the BF expert said all was fine so I knew not to worry. What’s your situation?

You are still immensely vulnerable with a 4mo and I think many men simply don’t understand that.

Thanks I haven't tried this

I was expressing and bottle feeding but it made me hugely stressed and I started struggling to get milk as a result. I managed to get him back BF and since then just tried a bottle or 2 a day. He only is taking a couple of ounces. I am timing his feeds but they're never much longer than 10 mins a time

Sounds really stressful. Sorry you're going through that. Your husband's comment doesn't sound that bad but I do understand where you're coming from and why you're annoyed if you do all the solution seeking. Try to let it go and continue working together to help baby. Have you spoken to a ibclc (lactation consultant). I found the one local to me really helpful and they had a lot of expertise.

Oh OP, you're both in a very stressful situation. Having a baby (is this your first?) is life-changing, overwhelming and very very demanding. All couples end up having tension and arguments between them when a new baby comes onto the scene and suddenly changes everything. Add to that your additional stress with your baby's feeding struggles and it's no surprise at all you'd end up snapping at each other. Please be very kind to yourself. Give each other some understanding, both apologise, try to see it as a poorly timed poorly phrased remark rather than as a deliberate dig. You will get through this challenging time and everything will get lighter and happier again, I promise!

Thank you,

I just feel like such a failure and I've let my son down. I don't know anyone else having these issues. I have a good supply verified from the HV and infant feeding team.

I'm just so sad and scared I've done something wrong and he's suffering as a result

Sorry to hear this.
ds was like this, to the point the doctor and HV were meeting to talk about me not feeding him!!! I wasn't worried as my whole family is skinny, he was 0.2 centile. He's nearly 5 now and guess what... he eats like a horse and is skinny as a rake (ie started school in age 2 trousers!)

Re your DH, i would let it go, parenting can really bring out a lot of friction and I know how hard no sleeping is.

fwiw DS did put on more weight when i started omeprazole for reflux but he's been happily 2nd centile since

My baby DS 6mo (bottle fed) and my friends baby DS 5mo (breast fed) have been fussy since birth with their feeding, not drinking enough milk and not gaining enough weight, fussing at feeds and refusing more than a couple of ounces. In the end turns out both of our baby boys have CMPA. My friend who breast feeds has cut out dairy from her diet and I've put DS on cows milk free formula. He still a bit fussy but drinks a lot more now! Just wanted to mention incase it helps . I know how frustrating it is. I have been in tears many times as I was so frustrated with him refusing every single bottle I gave him and worrying about how small he is x

From your updates, I would say stop bottles and just breastfeed. Much much easier. Expressing doesn't represent your supply of milk. Don't time feeds, longer feed doesn't equal more milk necessarily. 9th to 4th %ile doesn't sound really concerning tbh. My baby was on 90th%ile and went down to 15%. No one seemed that worried tbh. He's gone back up to 30%ile now (currently 5 months). Does your baby seem settled and well generally? Try not to stress. I've read that the charts are based on formula fed babies in America so not always useful for breastfed babies. Do you feel breastfeeding is going well apart from weight gain?

Oh OP, this sounds so hard.

You are sleep deprived and worried, but the truth is that your DH is too. He didn’t say what you wanted hear in the way you wanted him to say it but he is clearly also trying his best.

Having a newborn puts a huge strain on you each individually but also on a relationship.

You are doing all the right things, your baby is being well monitored, look after each other as well as your baby.

Remember, a baby’s stomach is the size of a walnut.

This

It doesn't sound like he meant to be cruel but is frustrated as I'm sure you are. Hugs all around.

Has a tongue tie been filled out OP? Can sometimes be missed.

*I just feel like such a failure and I've let my son down. I don't know anyone else having these issues. I have a good supply verified from the HV and infant feeding team.

I'm just so sad and scared I've done something wrong and he's suffering as a result*

High five because I had many similar feelings.

In retrospect I was much too hard on myself, but it’s hardly odd, as a PP said you are sleep deprived, your hormones are still a mess, plus your life has been turned upside down.

My best friend reassured me that DS was clearly fine, bright and alert and drinking well. As a tiny baby he didn’t always though, he would fall asleep at the breast, and he just didn’t grow that fast.

He’s now 12 and still skinny; my two are the skinniest kids at school. And they don’t grow particularly fast (slow and steady I suppose, no crazy growth spurts).

Obviously I don’t know your situation but if the HV isn’t panicking and your DS has plenty of wet and dirty nappies etc etc then you’re good. Don’t stress yourself out with weighing him though. 1 gram = 1 millilitre of milk IIRC, you could weigh him once or twice to reassure yourself and then let it go again.

My DP (who is lovely and kind) said something similar to me with our DD when she was about 3 weeks old, who was constantly hungry even at a healthy weight. I felt like a piece of shit and a failure, so I really sympathise with how you must be feeling. I moved onto formula shortly after, I just found breast feeding so hard, so no advice re the breast feeding I'm afraid. Just to say I know how you must be feeling and to assure you that it won't be a personal attack or criticism. I can look back now and completely see that but I was, like you no doubt are, completely knackered, vulnerable and full of self doubt. I genuinely just think they have no idea what we go through, and how hard it is. You're doing a fab job persevering, your little one is lucky to have you. Keep your chin up OP

So my first baby used to feed for 40 minutes at a time, second only feeds for a few minutes, max 10 minutes. Both have followed the same percentile and hasn't really reflected how much milk they were taking. Second baby has just been a more efficient feeder.

Not sure if this helps, just dont worry if feeds are short, just keep offering!

Breastfed baby's put on weight slowly! I have breastfed all 4 of my children most recent is only 6 weeks. Babys only take what they need.
Is your baby staying on the boob for a long feed yo make sure they get the fatty milk? Like after 5/10 mins of a fees that comes through. How many times does your baby feed?

I have two children, one never progressed past 5oz portions. One is like a little Henry VIII and eats an abnormal amount. They are both on the 0.2nd centile.

Listen to your babies cues and try to trust your instincts. Food consumption isn’t the only thing that impacts a child’s size.

Your doing fantastic job by the way! Well done and congratulations on your baby.

Personally I wouldn't be concerned about that drop. Are you eating and drinking enough and taking care of yourself to maintain a healthy supply? Are you feeding on demand?

I'm tandem feeding a newborn and a toddler so totally get the stress caused by others comments. My first used to snack and feed no longer than 5 to 10 mins over 25 times a day. This baby has been having epic feeds. There's no rhyme or reason they're al different. So feeding off their cues is great.

Honestly, I do understand your stress and anxiety. But I think you have his comment hugely out of perspective.

Maybe there was something in his tone that I'm missing but he simply said that your DC hadn't had enough today? I don't see how that was wrong. Presumably you could have said the same thing, given that it was the case. I don't see any blame in those words.

You're both anxious new parents, and you both need to recognise that neither of you has done anything wrong, but you're both fragile and prone to taking innocuous stuff badly.

You don't need to add relationship problems to your woes, so talk, apologise (both of you hopefully) and share how you're each feeling.

@bexyo My son fell massively when he was born. From the 55th percentile to almost off the chart; on a slow decline. We had daily weigh-ins, then weekly, then two-weekly. I was under insane pressure to just give in and bottle feed him. We offered formula by cup after he breastfed, as the midwives said he needed the weight, even though the lactation consultants said that wouldn't help with supply.

Anyway; at 12 weeks or so, it just clicked. He started gaining and didn't stop. He's around the 50th percentile now, eats like a champ, and has no issues at all. He was just a slow starter; more of a grazer than an eater. He's still like that some days.

We were SO close to being told he was failing to thrive and we'd need to use a calorie-boosting formula. I really wanted to breastfeed. I know that hopeless feeling, and how much it feels like you've failed at something that should be so easy and natural and bonding... Please remember that's a big thing to be wrestling with; even without the sleep deprivation and everything else too.

Keep going. You've got this, honestly.

On the bottle front - my baby did this a bit too. The first time, he'd take a couple of ounces at a time, so we just did smaller bottles. The second time, around 5m, he stopped taking bottles completely and never has again; but took fine to a sippy cup of water with food at 6m.