Huge row with husband over baby. Not sure where to go from here

[bexyo]

Our 4mo son has always been small and has struggled with sleep and feeding

This weekend my husband tried to bottle feed him (hes BF but used to take a bottle a day of EM) and he rejected it after a couple of ounces like he has the last few days. He quickly remarked our son hadn't eaten enough today.

I just broke down. I have been taking him for weigh ins every 2 weeks with the HV, been visiting the infant feeding team, taken him to an osteopath, tried Googling a million things to try. No, they haven't worked, but I've tried.

His flippant remark just hurt me. It felt like a dig. I said he could help me by trying new things, looking things up. He said nothing I've googled has helped so far so what's the point

I'm just so done. I've tried everything and I spend my whole day worrying about his weight and feeding, trying to get milk in him however I can. It just annoys me I feel like nothing I do is appreciated or acknowledged.

I'm so stressed and upset about his weight as it is and I need support and help rather than observations that make me more stressed.

Ahhh op I know the pain of this and I feel for you. Your hubby just doesn't get how important it is to us to nourish our own little babies or how sad it can feel when the 'blame' is put on our boobs. It's so natural for us to want to feed them and it can feel like a failing when they are petite still. You are doing an amazing job still breastfeeding after all this time.

all 3 of mine were on the 9th and dropped to the 4th. It’s fine as long as they continue to travel vaguely along the same line without substantial drops. It remained this way all through infancy and primary school. Although I’m average, I had tiny grandparents so assumed it was genetic.

mine are all teens now and on the 50th for height and the 25th for weight. They are all slim and long, they are all very healthy

These first few months are tough, but you're doing a great job. It sounds like they are just keeping an eye on him, but aren't actually worried at the moment (otherwise they'd have spoken to you about more intense support and weigh ins, possibly formula etc) ...In my job I speak to new mums all the time, and lots of people have these same worries - you are not alone. Are you going to baby classes / meeting up with other new mums? That can be so so helpful for new ideas, healthy comparison and making you feel like you're not alone! ...I promise you'll look back on this stage soon and tell yourself you shouldn't have worried so much. Incredibly hard to do, but this too will pass! Much love to you and baby, I know how hard it is. I couldn't bf as my boy was prem and I spent some time feeling like a failure and really had to work on myself to shake it off. ❤️

I would see a lactation consultant, preferably one you’ve found good recommendations for. And tell your dh that it’s very stressful and the best way he can help is by looking fatter you- keep you hydrated, bring snacks and help you relax. Ideally you would be expressing once a day and feeding that to baby so if he supports you perhaps you could work on being less stressed about that? (I hate expressing so understand it could be stressful!) of course if baby is refusing the bottle then I wouldn’t bother expressing, too hard.

I think you are me, 9 years ago. My DS was just small, didn’t eat a lot. The constant weigh-ins made me so stressed and anxious. I hated it when people remarked about heavy, chunky babies being healthy. I tried so hard to get him to eat more, he just wouldn’t. 4 months old is actually peak time for pnd, I felt like I had failed him. I understand how you feel xx

Sorry to hear you’re having a tough time OP. My general view is that men just don’t “get” how stressful breastfeeding is. My DD is now 2.5. For the first few months of her life, up until 4/5 months I was absolutely terrified that she was about to drop dead of dehydration and/or starvation. She dropped from around the 70th percentile at birth to the 9th.

To my DH, who didn’t have the responsibility of feeding or the hormones driving him mad, this wasn’t too much of a worry as we could always switch to formula if it got to that point. By contrast, I felt like I was utterly failing her, that if we switched her to formula she’d really suffer and that it was all my fault. I spent ages reading scary articles about “failure to thrive” etc. He didn’t get how scary it was that I had no idea how much she was actually getting.

Around 5 months something just clicked, she found her level and stayed on her growth path. In the end I breastfed her for 14 months.

I’m sat here now feeding my second who is a month old and gaining weight like a dream. I can honestly say I’ve done absolutely nothing different between the two so whatever was going on with my first’s weight was clearly not anything I did wrong. My husband now annoys me by saying he wouldn’t bother with bf - he is trying to be nice by giving me an easy out if I want to stop but he does not get how big a deal it is to me at all.

You're doing incredibly well to stick to it when it’s this stressful. Try to take the pressure off yourself a bit - babies very very very rarely starve in this country so the stakes are whether you carry on breastfeeding, not whether your baby lives or dies. He will be ok. If the health visitor etc. are not pushing formula then they are not too worried.

as others have said lactation consultants can be amazing if you have the funds.

I could’ve written your post a year ago (albeit FF not BF). My son lost 9% of his birth weight (6lb9oz to 6lb0oz) and took 3-4 weeks to regain it.
My hurtful comment didn’t come from my husband, it came from a medical professional. After regular HV weigh ins we had appointment to discuss his slow weight gain and the GP told me my 12 week old was the size of a 6 week old. That completely broke me, especially as a first time mum who didn’t have the experience or confidence. I hate the phrase ‘failure to thrive’ as it feels so blameful and hurtful.
My son was moved on to Infatrini (a high calorie prescription milk) and that helped support his weight gain although at a year old he is only on the 9th centile starting at 0.2 centile. I read about how some babies drink 8 ounces of milk per feed. My son has never drunk that much. 3 ounces per feed was a struggle and since weaning he drinks about 10 ounces a day and 1 ounce of that is on his wheatabix. Some babies are grazers and some aren’t. I have accepted that fact, typically now I’m out the other side.
Since the move to prescription milk my son is under the care of a dietician rather than the HV and this has been a very positive experience. She is understanding, knowledgeable and supportive. We have a plan which we review regularly depending on his weigh ins. I would definitely push for a dietician referral.
Be kind to yourself @bexyo

So lovely to hear from someone in a similar situation (as awful as that sounds)

Would be lovely to keep in touch with your progress with your little one

Hope you're all ok x

6 wet nappies a day and a minimum of 2 poos a day

How lucky your son is to have a mum like you, OP.

And as you will see from many previous posters' stories weight gain in newborns is a very inexact science, and creates SO MUCH worry. My son was the same, took three weeks to regain birth weight, had weigh-ins every 48 hours, undiagnosed tongue tie finally snipped at 9 weeks, CMPA. I don't say any of this to worry you, but to say that it will be okay. And you are doing a great job.

What helped me was reaching out to a local breastfeeding cafe. A lovely woman called Sue made me a cup of tea, let me cry and told me it would all be fine. It was. Your partner is an insensitive idiot, but that will be okay too.

I would have thought if he has dropped from the 9th percentile to the 4th that your HV and infant feeding specialist would be slightly concerned and put a plan in place to try help him gain weight?

What have they said? Surely they haven't just sent you away to figure it out on your own? if they have, that is shocking.

Does he have reflux? tongue tie? CMPA (Rare and often over diagnosed these days but a possibility). I would perhaps book an appointment with your GP too so they have input and are aware.

Sounds to me like you are not getting the help you need from the HV and infant feeding team, I would get back in touch with them, if your baby is still losing weight despite feeding then this needs further investigation.

My baby dropped from 50th the 25th and it was reflux causing it, the HV was concerned and referred me to GP who prescribed some gaviscon.

Have you tried to see if your baby would prefer formula? I know what it’s like to want to ebf. For my son it just didn’t work, he lost weight quickly. He didn’t like to be bf and even in a bottle he didn’t like expressed milk. But he loved formula and once I got over my mum guilt I could see it was the best for him.

I honestly believe some breast milk just cannot be metabolised in a way that the baby puts on weight. I’ve seen so many threads on here where the latch is perfect, tongue tie investigates, everything that can be improved has been - and baby just doesn’t gain until given formula or solids. It seems like there’s no rhyme or reason to it sometimes. I would give a bottle of formula a day and see if he’s gained after 2 weeks or so. You can pump each time so you don’t lose supply in case it doesn’t work, but at this point I would say it’s worth a go?

My DC2 was born at bang on 50th for weigh and 25th for height. But he somehow slipped down to around 5th/9th. He was monitored but he was always fit and healthy, hitting all his milestones. He was discharged around age 1.5.

His older brother was always 50th for weight and 75th for height... But we have 6 foot plus men on my side of the family and shorter than average on my husband's (I'm an average height woman and taller than all the men on my husband's side-dad, uncle, cousins), so we were told he's most proably just short, (but not medically significantly so).

DS2 was breast fed and never ever took more than a few ounces from a bottle, it didn't matter if I was away for a 12 hour day, he'd just sip at it at most.

The only thing I've still got at the back of my mind is celiac disease. He doesn't really have symptoms but was put on the waiting list (12 months+) for testing because of his low weight. But I think he would have been taken off the list now. The doctor said it was commonly looked into for 'failing to thrive' but that my DC didn't fit that category because he'd never shown signs of failing to thrive, he was just small but otherwise perfectly healthy. I do wonder if he has some intolerances as his stomach does look quite swollen occasionally, so I'm looking into private testing.

It also took a LONG time for him to sleep through the night because he ate so little, he would feed regularly at night until 16 months. But eventually it just clicked for him and he didn't stop eating!...He's still short though!

Has your son been assessed for tongue tie? If he only feeds for 10 minutes, he may be wearing himself out because of that. Just a thought.

Also, your husband is a nob head. Stressing you out is a great way to kill your oxytocin needed for milk let down.

Hi, ive been through similar. DS was mostly formula fed, but he never ever took the recommended amount. The biggest feed of the day was a dream feed, where we literally waited until he was in a deep sleep and put the bottle in his mouth. It was so difficult and so stressful i used to cry all the time!
He didn't take well to solids either, it was a nightmare. He had no regular weigh ins as it was during lockdown but he definitely lost weight. I demanded to hsve him weighed at around 1 year mark when things started going back to normal some whet. He had gone from.50th centile to 14th (they were not bothered) 🙄
Anyway he is now 3 and definitely looking much healthier and things did get better. Im sorry i have no proper advice but just to let you know you're not alone, you can only do so much and contact anyone who you think may be able to help you. It will get better

Same here with all of my DC (only I didn't feel any guilt after DC1). I'm sorry you're having a rough time, @bexyo. FWIW, your husband probably didn't mean to be unkind, but it's so hard to work out how things are meant when you're exhausted and anxious.

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP, I had a horrible time with my middle daughter who fell off the charts completely and it ended up her failure to thrive was due to undiagnosed allergies and a tongue tie. Might be worth trying to cut dairy and soya out of your diet and taking baby for a private tongue tie assessment just to rule them out x

Have you had tongue tie looked into?