Huge row with husband over baby. Not sure where to go from here

[bexyo]

Our 4mo son has always been small and has struggled with sleep and feeding

This weekend my husband tried to bottle feed him (hes BF but used to take a bottle a day of EM) and he rejected it after a couple of ounces like he has the last few days. He quickly remarked our son hadn't eaten enough today.

I just broke down. I have been taking him for weigh ins every 2 weeks with the HV, been visiting the infant feeding team, taken him to an osteopath, tried Googling a million things to try. No, they haven't worked, but I've tried.

His flippant remark just hurt me. It felt like a dig. I said he could help me by trying new things, looking things up. He said nothing I've googled has helped so far so what's the point

I'm just so done. I've tried everything and I spend my whole day worrying about his weight and feeding, trying to get milk in him however I can. It just annoys me I feel like nothing I do is appreciated or acknowledged.

I'm so stressed and upset about his weight as it is and I need support and help rather than observations that make me more stressed.

Of course you haven't let your son down!

Reading your posts, I am trying to separate out two issues. Are you mainly asking for advice about your baby's feeding/health? Or are you asking about how your husband reacted? I do understand the two things are related.

I think other posters have said sensible things about health. My DD was monitored for ages because she lost a lot of weight after birth and struggled to regain it, and it is horribly stressful and frightening. I am sure MN has loads of advice and support if this is the main thing you're trying to think about.

This sounds different from what is happening with your husband. You clearly feel he was assuming bottle feeding would be a 'solution' and he'd swoop in any make things ok? If so, that's definitely hurtful. He did check with you before he tried a bottle, right? If not, that's really not ok.

Forgive me for asking - but how did you both plan to approach the newborn stage? Was it something you discussed, or did you have a more 'take it as it comes' approach? I am asking because I think having a baby is probably the most stressful thing you can do in a relationship - I wonder if he really gets that you are struggling and need proper support? I can see that perhaps he thinks he is trying to step up too - but this can only work if you're both on the same page and he understands what it is you and the baby need. In an ideal world - for you - what should he be doing right now? What would make you feel most supported?

Hi, if he is rejecting your milk and not putting on weight I would cut all cows milk protein out of your diet (milk but also whey etc) as he may have a CMPA. It’s more difficult to spot in EBF babies and some don’t have any symptoms but my daughter used to reject my breast if I had anything with CMP (slip ups after she’d been diagnosed). Hope this helps.

I feel for you! So stressful...

Does the infant feeding team include an IBCLC lactation consultant? Did they check for tongue tie and lipband tie? Did they watch you feed?

You’re not a failure at all! Put that right out of your mind How often do you breastfeed? My last DC was skinny (and is still quite skinny even though he’s 7yrs and eats loads) and I found he needed more frequent food. I also found feeding him to sleep meant he fed longer and got more of the rich milk. If your baby isn’t interested in the bottles, then consider dropping them and feeding more often.

Remember too that you’ll start weaning in a few weeks. I found that change at 6 months really helped my DC put on weight. 4 months is still very young - and you’re still in the fourth trimester. Look after yourself too. Rest, eat well and relax. Your DH was probably just tactless.

FWIW, I was a tiny baby and I know my DM worried a lot about me and my feeding. I’m now an adult obviously and, although slim, I’m a normal weight and have a big appetite. All babies are different. You’re obviously devoted to your baby and looking after them well. Don’t let others put doubt in your head xx

If he stays tracking on that percentile and doesn’t continue to drop then that’s okay. Let the weigh ins tell you what’s going on.
My baby dropped from 50th to 25th percentile then stayed there. I was told they can sort of do that then stabilize on the one they’re supposed to be on. She would also only take a few ounces but honestly that’s all he might want. 4 months is tricky too as they get distracted in the day and suddenly interested in the world. Mine actually took more of her milk overnight. Try and stop worrying he sounds like a small baby and if his weight isn’t continuing to fall that’s fine. If it does turn to the experts you’re not supposed to have to work it out alone! Also… give DH a break.

It's so tough! It sounds like your husband was making an observation and it upset you because you felt responsible.

It doesn't sound like a huge dropping of centiles. I would keep an eye on it but not panic. Both of mine fed for short periods, often just 5 minutes and often just one side per feed (which you aren't meant to do!). If he tracks along the centile he is on now, then that should be fine.

This is such a stressful situation and breast feeding is so hard. Have you tried increasing what you are eating? If the calories aren't going into you, they can’t get into him. Also you need to drink more liquids to make sure you have a good supply. Hugs. Xx

If you have enough milk I'm not sure why you are expressing and bottle feeding - is that advice you have been given? If breast-feeding is good for you then carry on and on demand.

You probably know this OP, but aside from nipple confusion, if your EBM has high lipase activity (mine did) it can mean that it has a funny soapy taste. My DS wasn’t bothered by this at all but I believe that many babies are and will refuse it. Likewise you also probably know that a lot of babies will refuse a bottle when their mother is around - they want to drink straight from the source!

Op you have done NOTHING wrong! Some babies are just like this .. my DD dropped rapidly from 50th to 2nd centile then followed the 2nd centile trajectory perfectly until she started to eat solids and then shot up to 25th centile. Now she’s 5 and perfectly average for her age. Some health visitors were super worried, some shrugged and said that she was small like her mum. If you are super worried then book a GP appointment. I got a lot more sensible and consistent advice from GPS than I did Heath visitors.

Defo check for tongue tie, also look into cows milk or soy allergy

A breastfeeding mother’s body will put everything it has into the breast milk if the mother’s diet is inadequate. The OP needs to worry about eating enough and properly for her own sake, but the quality of her milk will be just fine.

Sorry to hear you’re having such a stressful time. My little one is 4mo too and BF with one bottle a day of EM too, she is average size and has been since birth so no issues with weight loss however she also sometimes only takes 2oz from the bottle - maybe that is reassuring to know and maybe nothing to do with him being small and just normal? Is he having plenty of wet and dirty nappies? You’re doing the best you can and well done for persevering with BF. Of course listen to the HV and if there’s any medical concerns but remember some babies have to be small - were not all the same size as adults.

Hi OP if it helps for solidarity I did a very very similar (almost identical) post here two weeks ago (under another name as I was embarrassed and upset at the time) . My baby girl is also 4 months born 9th centile too and now on 2nd centile!!

My HV are being supportive and we are also doing weigh ins every two weeks. I was distraught initially but feel ok now. My HVs said the main concern is that baby is alert, meeting milestones and gaining weight of some sort (which she is). Is your baby alert and meeting milestones? Have your HVs spoken to you about this?

I can see you typed this earlier “I just feel like such a failure and I've let my son down.” This is virtually word for word on my post on here too so I completely relate. You are not letting him down though - BF is very hard and you are doing a good job.

I am sure you are doing a fantastic job. i can however completely relate to the immense worry and stress BF can put on the mum especially if the baby is small. It’s a tough gig being solely responsible for feeding the baby when EBF. I spend at least a chunk of every day worrying as well. My hubby is very supportive but doesn’t quite get the pressure I feel. How can he?! You are doing great though I am sure.

One thing my HV did suggest was doing more skin to skin to aide feeding. I’ve started doing skin to skin every evening with my baby now. She honestly gobbles the milk up during skin to skin. Also it’s a nice bonding. I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t really do much skin to skin since leaving the hospital (partially because it’s winter but it’s fine when the heating is on!)

I can’t comment on bottles as my baby won’t take one so I didn’t persist (I don’t have the energy!!). My baby also is a poor sleeper (she is up every hour to 2 hours at night - I’m knackered same as you) but the HVs told me normal for a BF baby.

sorry not sure I’ve provided you with any helpful comments and I know this is very rambly but I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t the only one feeling how you are feeling. It’s tough!

This isn't meant to sound stupid but are you or your husband also just small people? Someone has to be on the lower centile. If your baby is doing lots of poos and wees then that's a good indication they are getting enough.

What bottle size teats are you using OP? If still on size 1 you could try size 2 and it might get some more milk in your LO. I’ve just upped my baby’s teat size as she was messing around with her bottles and i can now get an extra ounce or 2 in her.

It is SUCH a difficult time, at least I found it so too, but congratulations on your baby and go easy on yourself.
My husband eventually managed to communicate (after we fought and bit each others heads off and worried ourselves sick over our daughter who took an age to breastfeed and started having huge, terrifying, screaming fits and dropping centiles) that he didn't always know what was the right thing to say or do when I was knackered and upset ... And we had a weirdly straightforward conversation where I basically said ok what I need is you to put your arms round me and say something like "this is a bit shit but we love this girl and we love each other and we will get through" and he said "right then" .... And I know it sounds a bit dumb ... But just asking for what I needed, straight out, was hugely helpful in a very testing situation, which new parenthood most definitely is..!
Do yourself a favour and don't fall into our mistake of letting the stress and anxiety come between you. You need each other.
Sending hugs. Xx

How long are the intervals between feedings?

Are you feeding in the night?

How many poos daily?

I'd forget the bottles altogether and BF on demand.

Agree with @Nappyvalley123 wrt eliminating cow's milk protein from your diet.

It is a complete diet overhaul and I had 2 weeks of diary withdrawals from hell but can be done! There is also a FB group that I recommend joining. Soya and other foods can also make them upset but the big one is cows milk protein.

I ended up having protein cooked in lemon and herbs and then veg just to make absolutely sure all was illuminated at the beginning. I would also swop to almond or coconut milk but not soya as this protein has the same make up as milk.

I would highly recommend seeing a lactation consultant, this website helps you locate one:

lcgb.org/find-an-ibclc/

Has tongue tie been ruled out? My son had a mild tongue tie and went from being a skinny little thing to a chubby thighed baby within a few weeks of his tongue tie being treated

How is she when formula feeding from the bottle? Have you tried different formulas if she's not keen on one? My nephew was lactose intolerant and lost lots of weight before my SIL changed his formula

My dd was always underweight as a baby and would often only take a couple of ounces. I used to worry myself sick about her and the HV had me haunted. Even when she was weaned she was very picky about what she would eat and ate only small amounts. Eventually we saw a paediatric consultant who said that dd was light for her age and size but was perfectly healthy. I had wasted the first three years of her life stressing about food unnecessarily.

Good evening, are you aware that there are pouches (fruit) maybe give those a try if you haven't already, regards to how your other halfs comment I don't think it was a dig end of the day its his son too and he's probably just showing/telling you his concerns but that's my guess. Hormones will also be raging and if your a new mum you'll be overthinking everything. I know I did. I still do.

I hope this is helpful
Tc