Husband away all week, would you expect help at the weekend?

[Mindyourfingers]

Badly phrased, husband working away all week. I get it must have been tiring.

2 yo plus pregnant here. Got up with DS this morning at 6, DH got up about half an hour later and I went back to bed for a bit.

I took DS out all morning, DH had four hours to himself. Hoped he’d have DS for a bit this afternoon but he just keeps finding stuff to do in the garden.

I can’t work out if it’s me? I’m just fed up. DS being really demanding and I am just desperate for half an hours peace.

No, it’s fine. I was grumpier than I normally am - I’m fairly mild mannered as a rule but had a stinking headache and I’m not normally prone to headaches. We did have a brief chat and I feel better for it.

It’s genuinely not my intention to go biting anyone’s head off and apologies if indeed I did so but I do think it’s worth pointing out not all homes and gardens are the same, and what one poster thinks is ‘baffling’ is actually just common sense. It’s a bit like when someone posts about their DH snoring and gets a just sleep in the spare room sort of response, or ‘send the DCs to play out in the garden.’ without seeming to realise not everyone’s life is set up like that.

Anyway that is off topic but always drives me a bit dotty, that one. Although I’ve probably been guilty of it myself at times!

I don't know really - depends on what you class as "help" - is what he is doing in the garden a job that really needs doing which you can't realistically be expected to do when pregnant? If so then when do you expect him to do it when he is away all week? It's not automatically a tactic to avoid parenting duties if it's a job that's got to get done?

Its not passive aggressive to not want to make your toddler hysterical, not want to go tramping to the end of a long muddy garden with a hysterical toddler and have a screamed conversation over a mower with said hysterical toddler

The hyperbole is delicious. How long is your garden? How pathological his inability to switch off the mower? How big the garden? How loud the screaming?

Ingrained patterns of behaviour take time to change. You know full well that the only way to change things is a conversation, followed up with actions. People tried to help with the immediate issue and the underlying problem and you're a bit too pregnant, headachey and cross to take it on board right now. Just address it asap and follow through on suggested changes.

DH works a 70hr week and goes away a lot. When we are here, we both just do what needs doing, work together and communicate throughout. What we also do when he's been away and I'm exhausted, is reconnect. So we fuck off out and change the scenery as a family. That helps too. Easier to decide household tasks on neutral ground as well and we have a quick chat in the car on the return journey and do it when we get home. We all know what to expect that way.

@ShowOfHands i think this is echoing the point I’ve made a few minutes ago. You do not know where I live, you do not know the layout of the garden and you do not know the little things that mean going outside with a toddler while DH is in the middle of a task like that is both awkward and potentially very hazardous indeed. That is not me being snarky, that is me just explaining how things are.

I have also explained that DH has since come in, and we have had a conversation re the above which was much more conducive and far more sensible than the MN approved scripts. I’ve never been keen on being told what I need to say, to be honest. I think as women, one of the most important tools we have are our voices. If someone says they need help with theirs, fair enough, but as someone who doesn’t, I’d prefer to do things in the way that suit me. Again, that isn’t meant to sound brusque or curt, it is just my honest response.

On a Thursday evening tell your DH you need him to get up with DS one morning of the weekend, tell him you need one afternoon or morning on both days to yourself.

It's normal to do the first mow of the year in February

@SheilaFentiman people hate the truth that's all, continue to have kids with a man-child and wonder why they are exhausted. Make a rod for their own back. Mumsnet has many of these similar posts. Husband is useless, nasty and ignorant..oh yeah I'm pregnant with number 3

Hmm

What a ridiculous thing to say. OP has never been pregnant with a three year old before - how is she supposed to know?

OP - he clearly isn’t going to offer, just tell him you need him to look after your child. Gardening is emotionally less taxing than being ‘on call’ with a three year old. He’s chancing it

That was to @Fromwetome
Not sure why the quote function didn’t work

‘first cut Sunday’ according to country living magazine is around the 3rd week in March.

Cut the power before you speak to him.

Have a conversation when he comes in for a brew.

You say you don't struggle to articulate yourself but that's obviously not true. You're saying something serious about your feelings... his response of "in a minute" is not appropriate. So either you're not communicating properly or he is really stupid / being deliberately obtuse. Only you know what's more likely. And maybe he knows that it's just words... you have no actions.... he doesn't think you'll leave 🤷‍♀️

My husband works away loads. He does more than 50% of the parenting when he is home because he likes his children and wants to be with them!! He'll often take them swimming or to the park to give me a break.

Have you spoken to him and asked why he isn't doing his share?

I think the point is more he should want to spend time with his child he hasn't seen all week. This just confirms he doesn't give a shit and won't give a shit about number 2 either. What a great father he is.

This is way too harsh!

the man is out in the garden, not down the pub spending the child benefit. His priorities are off, it’s not that he doesn’t give a shit.

Na i disagree. If I hadn't seen my child all week they would be my number 1 priority not the lawn. You don't start a thread unless there is clearly a pattern. Don't set the bar so low as it has to be pub and child benefit.

You didn’t read the updates, then, @bumpytrumpy .

There are definitely very extreme positions on here, which aren’t helpful. Not all acts of thoughtlessness are intentional acts of abuse or malice. They CAN be, but for that you usually have to look at the overall picture. And to give DH his due, he has made up for it today so I’ve been able to take it a bit more easy. All is good.

The problem is the DH choosing how he spends his time according to his personal preferences while the mum’s time is dictated by the needs of her child.
She can’t even go and discuss it with him because it’s unsafe for her DS.
She has to wait until he decides to come back inside.
It’s on his terms, not hers.
He’ll say he’s doing a vital task for the family if she challenges him on it, but the bottom line is that he’s manipulated her into accepting that he gets to be free to decide what tasks he does and that she doesn’t.

In the spirit of understanding that every set up is different I will acknowledge that my experience may not be everyone’s but this idea that working away from home is by default hard work is a joke!

I frequently work away from home - it is a dream! No early morning dog walks, diversions to pick up milk, tramping DC round from one activity to the next.

I get cooked for, uninterrupted sleep, no chores, gym and pool onsite.

even allowing for extended hours and stress it’s a delight.

Why can your two year old not go out in the garden with your husband and 'help' him? All he needs is not too good clothes and a pair of wellies, plus little safe gardening tools. I remember when mine was little and his dad was under the car repairing something, he went out with plastic spanners and 'mended' his pedal car (it did look sweet).

I agree there should be 50/50 parenting. Even if your husband is knackered after a week working away, you haven't been idle at home.

Well considering this was 2 months ago, the OP's husband probably isnt still in the garden now?

He might be under the patio.