Husband away all week, would you expect help at the weekend?

[Mindyourfingers]

Badly phrased, husband working away all week. I get it must have been tiring.

2 yo plus pregnant here. Got up with DS this morning at 6, DH got up about half an hour later and I went back to bed for a bit.

I took DS out all morning, DH had four hours to himself. Hoped he’d have DS for a bit this afternoon but he just keeps finding stuff to do in the garden.

I can’t work out if it’s me? I’m just fed up. DS being really demanding and I am just desperate for half an hours peace.

These threads crop up all the time.
Op has a dickhead DH, won't challenge him but starts a thread to take their temper and frustration out on other women.
Rinse/ repeat

Go outside and ask him to stop.

When he says "in a minute" say fine. You'll wait there with the two year old for a minute and then he stops.

After the 60 seconds is up tell him it's time for him to be a parent now and leave him with the 2 yr old and go to bed.

Unplug the power tool if need be.

Job done.

Don't be a walk over. He should be making your life easy right now, you are carrying his baby. He knows this, you know this and yet he's taking the utter piss.

Don't let him.

but I don’t have an issue with articulating myself

You may say you don't but you clearly do have some difficulties communicating with each other as your expectations and his differ so greatly. If you said to him tonight I want you to spend more time with DS he's unlikely to say OK. If he doesn't see that as a priority over pointless gardening tasks then he's not going to suddenly get it by you articulating it in a conversation.

Basically everything else is more of a priority to him than you and his kids.

OP seems to like the pass agg method. Gets nobody fucking anywhere.

Leave 2 year old out there with him.

2 year old will either get over fear of power tools or DH will have to stop and play with him or do other garden work.

@SpookyBlackCat - I was wondering if him being away all week was a fair exchange for a day where he more or less does as he wishes. I say more or less because he did briefly have DS outside with him and he did have him for a bit this morning while I went back to bed, so he hasn’t done nothing. And also, he is doing things that need doing which is another thing that made me hesitate in the ‘fairness’ stakes if you like: he isn’t drinking at the pub or similar. However, the consensus is no, he needs to take DS for a bit which is fair and I can articulate that to him without an issue.

Perhaps she wasn’t struggling until she was pregnant, what with pregnancy being quite fucking tiring. JFC this website sometimes.

OP, DP can be a bit like this: sees the thing on the to do list and prioritises it and has to be reminded that giving me a break or spending time with the DC is also on the to do list! It’s a “must achieve something” mindset: he gets to Sunday evening and grumbles about “that’s another weekend wasted without doing anything” and I have to point out that family time, lunch for the DC, keeping the house ticking, laundry, one on one time with the DC each, trips out, standing around the playground while they wear themselves out enough to sleep, etc, IS doing something, and is sort of the whole point. He needs to read What Mothers Do, really: the parenting is the thing, getting the garden done would be a bonus, giving you time to rest when pregnant trumps all else.

She's not "struggling managing one" she's just pregnant and tired because you know, parenting a toddler isn't easy and neither is being pregnant!

How do you get him in? Is your husband a human capable of using language or is he a wayward ox?

If the former, then put your foot down and make your needs clear. If the latter, then use that ring they put through the nose to drag him in. If the former but also he doesn’t give a crap about what you say and doesn’t listen to you then you have bigger problems, though perhaps fitting him with one of those rings through the nose would help.

Also, the 2yo can “help” in the garden - it’s not one or the other. Small trowel and patch of mud (checked for neighbourhood cat poo), pot with some seeds to plant, Very Important Job gathering the leaves, etc, while DH gets on with things and you sleep.

Its not passive aggressive to not want to make your toddler hysterical, not want to go tramping to the end of a long muddy garden with a hysterical toddler and have a screamed conversation over a mower with said hysterical toddler.

In any case, this is where ‘scripts’ don’t work, because to mow the lawn the gates need to be opened which isn’t safe at all with toddler around as we’re next to a rural road leading from one village to the next with massive lorries and very fast cars. So no, DS can’t just get over his fear and go out without being in immense danger.

I do realise people think they are being helpful but this is why things go awry! You can’t include all that sort of detail in OPs without boring everyone half to death, but then when you say ‘that’s good, will talk to him’ apparently ‘tis not good enough.

Ok, I understand. Again, not being snarky, but if you aren't feeling great getting into arguments with randoms on the internet probably isn't helping either. Can you not give your child a snack and put on some cartoons and have a rest on the sofa for a bit?

He wouldn't turn the lawnmower off if you were trying to speak to him? How bloody rude.

Nothing anyone says is going to stop you playing the martyr OP. One day you will get it. Good luck with getting some rest.

In my opinion, yes being away all week is a fair exchange for some small breaks at the weekend. My husband is often away too and understands that, although he’s at work, he’s not doing the early mornings, overnight wakes, getting everyone ready in the morning etc. so when he’s home, things are 50/50 for sure.

There may be something bothering your husband that he feels the need to work through by a bit of shed time.
Or he might be confused about exactly what is needed of him right now and doesn't realise how desperate you are. He might see the signs that you're tired and not quite be up to formulating a solution 😁
You need to get him to stop for a moment -garden is NOT a priority, tell him.
Explain that you need some quality rest time straight away. Tell him exactly what he needs to do - come in and play with son, feed him, bath him, play some more, whatever... You will be having a lay down. Don't let your son disturb you for at least two hours.
Tell your husband that, at this moment, this is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL and there's no alternative for you to postpone some serious rest any longer.
Tell him that you'll be discussing tomorrow's needs in the morning, but he can safely assume that they will involve him taking charge of the little one for a good part of the day.

This isn't about fairness, by the way. It's about you getting enough rest to stay healthy physically and mentally.

What were you hoping to achieve by this thread?

yeah your DH is being a bit selfish but why on earth would you not just tog toddler up and go outside. You’re very precious and making life quite difficult which isn’t good practice for what is about to become once you have 100% more children to look after.

Do you usually struggle thinking for yourself OP?

Do you say out right you're having DS this afternoon? I know you shouldn't have to but I think that's the best way

You’re tired, you’re pissed off and you’re having a rant - and yes, he should absolutely be helping/pitching in/parenting 50:50/etc.

I don’t think you can do anything right now given the circumstances, but I’d have a serious chat with him later and tell him you need more rest for obvious reasons.

I’ve said before that I think there should be a tea and sympathy thread on MN where you can just post to get stuff off your chest and where everyone else, goes ‘yeah, that’s shit’, and then everyone gets on with their day. I’d like that.

People are weird on here sometimes, OP. Ignore them.

Presumably him being away with work all week has meant him getting full nights worth of sleeps, meals paid for by work, not having to tidy up after himself because there are staff to do it for him, etc?

Meanwhile you're either working plus looking after a toddler and doing all wake-up's and bedtimes etc or you're just looking after a toddler full time, meals, cleaning plus being pregnant.

I don't think he's had the more exhausting week, unless his job is pretty niche.

I'd have expected him to tell you to have a lie in and he'd spend time with DS, considering he hasn't seen him for a week.

We had similar.
It did just involve a conversation. DH just wanted to do the things that couldn't get done while he was away - and, yes, they were random things I didn't care about, but he did.
We ended up splitting weekends - much like you in the mornings, I'd get up then go back to bed. Afternoons we did one each if DH had been away. We did stuff all together if DH wasn't traveling.
It was also good if DH took the kids out when I went back to bed. Often it was a trip to B&Q (!) but also park, feed the ducks etc. Made it feel like they'd done something together, even if it was to enable the afternoons DIY!

It's not going to sort this afternoon, but it might sort next weekend.

My h was like this. I'd be putting laundry away and he'd come up and announce he had to do urgent work in the garden. Wouldn't be open to a conversation about it. Ds2 was under 2 so had to be supervised. We are no longer together.

Funny how it's always outside work that needs doing, that takes them away from family responsibilities 😐

Mowing the lawn in February ? Really ? Maybe you are not in the UK. I would chalk today up to experience must be LO 's tea time soon ? When he come in tonight tell him that tommorow is your turn for "me time" so he needs to take DS out for a few hours.

Ideally he gets used to leading on looking after the 2yo all weekend as that'll be what happens when the baby arrives!
Have you discussed how you're going to tackle the two children?

But as it should be shared and OP is exhausted then that won't help, just by sweeping it under the carpet.

I say a talk is needed to try and re evaluate things and changes to be made.