Partner has regular time to himself (day off) I have zero!

[MummyC247]

I would love to hear opinions on our situation. I work 30 hours a week, pre school hours don’t cover my hours, so I’m either working (hours are flexible) or looking after our child.

Partner works full time, has weekends off and one day midweek every other week and then an occasional days holiday midweek. The midweek days off my partner has our child is at pre school so he has the full day to himself. If I ask him to do drop off on this day he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t mind doing picking up.

He doesn’t seem to understand that I literally never have any time to myself, let alone a full day off regularly. It’s an issue as I’m struggling to keep on top of our housework/ laundry (he does help with this but I definitely do the majority). I also desperately need some time to myself and feel resentful.

Am I expecting too much??

No you’re not. You should have a serious word as to how unhappy and shattered up are. But stop enabling him. Who cares if he doesn’t like dropping off. Leave your kid and go to work. He can either drop off or look after them 🤷‍♀️

My husbands shift system means he often working weekends and has 3 or 4 days off during the week when I’m working. It’s frustrating because he does so little with his time ( re jobs he talks about doing but rarely does) - so I hear you. He does deal with school drop offs and pick ups though so I don’t have to rush around doing that aspect. I do go out on some weekends on the days he’s home because my life is already inconvenienced by his work pattern and I’m going to take opportunities where I can. It’s not something you ask permission for - make the plans you need for yourself OP.

Yanbu. On his regular day off he should do the drop offs and collects, along with one main job which will help the house (eg all the laundry/big food shop etc).

It's different if he was booking annual leave for a rest/leisure day but this is every two weeks.

Also, tomorrow, get up and go out and leave him and dc to spend the day together. Just take a day to yourself.

Op. Seriously. How on Earth can you think you're expecting too much? To even ask the question means that you both think his needs and wants are greater to yours. Address why you think that.

Absolutely obviously he should be doing the housework on his day off, absolutely obviously if he gets 4 hours after housework on his day off off, then you would get that same number at the weekend.

Ughl - exact same situation. Both Work full time only I work around DC and husband works shifts incl working 2 out of 3 weekends but has days off in the week to himself, he’s def of hearing me saying I have no time to myself at all.

To be fair to him on his days off he does the drop offs/pick ups, cleans, cooks and catches up on diy, encourages me to go off for a bath after work etc so I can’t moan at that aspect really

If we both focus too much on our personal hardships (we go through periods of this) we argue a lot! We seem to get along much better if we’re nice about the others difficulties, for me that would be showing sympathy when he moans about getting in at 2am and not having had a proper dinner for 6 days…instead of rolling my eyes and saying he should try and live my life 🤣

constant battle not to belittle each other tbh

Sit down together and draw up a time budget; time is a resource just like money or food. Agree on a budget that shares the resource fairly between you, then stick to it. Agree to suitable penalties (eg buying the other person dinner) for not sticking to it.

You are right to be upset. He is buying his leisure time with your exhaustion and it's incredibly selfish.

He should absolutely do drop off and pick up on his day off, as well as contribute to the household by doing laundry, groceries, bulk cooking or similar. I would also expect him to cook dinner that day.

My DH pulled something similar on me when his work schedule changed- I ended up making a colour coded spreadsheet with every hour of the week on it, showing when work/childcare/leisure time for each of us. Spoiler- he had plenty regularly while I had scraps when I was lucky.

It's much fairer now, but I had to make it clear I wasn't putting up with it anymore.

Hit the roof OP.

why Does he get to say he doesn’t want to do a drop off?!
like you love it 😳

parity is really important. Ideally you should both get equal amounts of down time etc - it breeds resentment
You’re practically working FT at 30 hours per week and the lions share of childcare / housework
he absolutely should be picking up slack on his days off etc
That’s the way it should be when you have young kids

Get him bloody told. He does housework on his days off, food shop, does nursery drop off and pick up. I don't know any adults who just have a day off with nothing to do. There is no point resenting him because of his shift pattern as neither of you can change those I imagine but just make sure he is doing the lions share of the chores on his days off so that you do get a bit of time off in the evenings.

For what it's worth, my husband and I work to provide childcare so neither of us get any days off with no kids, and my husband regularly has the kids for 3 days in a row while I'm at work. It is hard but we make the most of our evenings, make sure we spend some time together even if just to watch something on TV and eat dinner.

Can you book a holiday day during the week every so often to get a day to yourself?

Love the concept of a time budget

Doing the same thing and expecting a different result never works. If he refuses to do any drop offs/housework etc then change your mindset.

He puts himself first, doesn't value you or his child.

Do the same, prioritise everything to suit you and your child and stop doing anything that relates to him - laundry, meals, family stuff ir buying his family cards/gifts and hosting. Plan your time as if he isn't there, you will feel a weight lifted from your shoulders. If you continue to suck it up you are enabling it.

Men like this have a 'there's nothing she can do because I'm not doing it'. He knows you will do everything re your child, that is why you need to make changes that affect him directly.

Book a weekend away but don’t tell your dp until the evening before.
Prime family not to help.
Ensure house is a tip and there’s no food in.
Turn your phone off.

That’s not the exact same at all!

I am the one that works shifts, and my midweek days off are not “to myself”- like your dh I’m cooking, cleaning, washing, catching up on jobs and household stuff.

if he were sat on his arse you’d have a point, but I’d seriously wallop dh if he dared say I was getting days off to myself when I hadn’t sat down all day doing stuff so it’s all done when he gets in from work.

You don't have to doubt yourself or have unrealistic expectations. It's important to communicate your needs to your partner, such as expressing that you're feeling tired and require some time to yourself. You can also negotiate with your partner to take on more responsibilities. Together, you should collaborate and establish a time budget as mentioned in the previous comment. It's crucial to communicate and work together to find a balance that works for both of you.
When you're at home with your child, you can also encourage them to play independently. I recommend you to use safety gate. It can keep your baby in a secure area, while allowing you to attend to your own tasks. This can free up your hands and give you peace of mind.

No, he’s a dickhead

If I've understood correctly, you work 5 days a week but during school hours and do all drop offs/picks up and have DC either side?

To me that's effectively working "full time" because let's face it, by the time you do drop offs/pick ups you don't have time to do anything else between say 8.30-4.30!!

I think what I'm reading is that you both have then have weekends off work, but you're saying he does absolutely nothing around the house or with the DC at weekends? Leaving it all to you?

What does he do at weekends instead?

What would he do if you just made plans to go out for the day one Sunday and left him with DC?

That's what I would be tackling first. Given you're doing all drop offs and pick ups either end of every day ALL other household tasks IMO should be split equally.

Why is the child in nursery on his day off? Surely he should be having dc with him rather than spending money on child care? YANBU at all he's being lazy.

If I've understood it right, it's because he's off once a fortnight, not every week. So the child would need the nursery place regardless.

Have a look at the ideas on fair play! It’s totally about this and understanding the roles and load together fairly.
www.fairplaylife.com

Great Idea.

I can’t believe you even need to ask if YABU. Of course you’re not. Childcare and household should be split evenly (or at least in line with working hours). He needs to understand he is 50% the parent.

He is a selfish cunt, happy to watch you run yourself ragged while he has some lovely time off.

Yanbu, there's is absolutely no reason whatsoever that you should be struggling with housework when you have another fully grown adult in the house!

He doesn’t seem to understand that I literally never have any time to myself

Why doesn't he understand? Is he a bit dim?