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Original poster

Partner has regular time to himself (day off) I have zero!

59 replies

MummyC247 · 24/02/2023 07:08

I would love to hear opinions on our situation. I work 30 hours a week, pre school hours don’t cover my hours, so I’m either working (hours are flexible) or looking after our child.

Partner works full time, has weekends off and one day midweek every other week and then an occasional days holiday midweek. The midweek days off my partner has our child is at pre school so he has the full day to himself. If I ask him to do drop off on this day he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t mind doing picking up.

He doesn’t seem to understand that I literally never have any time to myself, let alone a full day off regularly. It’s an issue as I’m struggling to keep on top of our housework/ laundry (he does help with this but I definitely do the majority). I also desperately need some time to myself and feel resentful.

Am I expecting too much??

OP posts:
SilverGiraffe7 · 24/02/2023 12:10

If your hours are flexible, is there any way of you working a long day every other week on his day off (where he can do drop off, pick up and dinner), to enable you to have some time off when your LO is at nursery on the alternating week?

Galadriel90 · 24/02/2023 12:22

What was he like before you had kids? Did he pull his weight then?

Beck2023 · 24/02/2023 13:35

If your work is flexible could you do a long day at work on his day off? So he gets some time to relax but has to take lo to nursery, pick up, do their tea and makes your tea.
You can have a work shorter day to have some time alone at home?

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TomatoSandwiches · 24/02/2023 13:41

He does understand that you have no time off, he just doesn't care.

Oncetheystartschool · 24/02/2023 13:42

Suggest you tell him your hours at work are not flexible anymore, and make damn sure you are working ar least 2 of the 3 days he is off work. Preferably in an office so you can leave him at home and/or to do nursery dropoffs on the relevant days.

Oblomov23 · 24/02/2023 13:53

When You say he doesn't understand, what does he say when you explain this to him?

LaDamaDeElche · 24/02/2023 13:55

Sirikit · 24/02/2023 07:39

Sit down together and draw up a time budget; time is a resource just like money or food. Agree on a budget that shares the resource fairly between you, then stick to it. Agree to suitable penalties (eg buying the other person dinner) for not sticking to it.

I think the time budget is a really good idea, although not the penalties part. I think that once it’s clear in black and white both people should want to equally pull their weight according to what’s fair and gives each adult equal free time. Penalties shouldn’t be necessary and are a kind of get out clause if it’s stuff like buying the other dinner. People either want to work as a team or they don’t. If it’s a lack of realisation about what the other person does, then it’s sortable. If it’s a sense of entitlement that one person has more of a right to free time than the other, then that’s a much bigger problem that penalties won’t solve.

AnImaginaryCat · 24/02/2023 13:55

If he doesn't do drip off on his midweek day off, then she'll be at home with him surely?

If that's his choice then leave him to it.

Rest of the time? I'm afraid jt appears you have one of the last self centred ones. You have three choices

  1. Change nothing and wait for him to change. This won't happen, current arrangements suit him to much.

  2. Split up with him. This is a massive upheaval but will result in you having more time for yourself and not being dogsbody.

  3. Tell him he's doing more. If he won't change then stop doing anything for him. This will cause an upset and will either result in a realisation in him or his wallowing in self-pity and an unhappy life (unless you switch to Choice 2.)

DianaBlackCat · 24/02/2023 14:02

OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable in asking him to do drop off AND pick up on his days off. Parenting is a shared responsibility — I cannot understand why in this day and age men still think they’re somehow being inconvenienced for doing normal parenting duties. I imagine you still have to do all child-related duties on your days off, e.g. bathing, cooking, taking the child to clubs/activities, so why does he think he is exempt on his days off? You work too. He is being selfish. But there is more to this than just this I think — you need to sit down and tell him how you’re feeling and explain in a non-accusatory way how you are feeling and that you need more support from him in both practical and emotional ways.

Cocobutt · 24/02/2023 14:21

I think it’s fine for him to be having time off during the week but you also need to have child free time over the weekend to make it fair.

I would want him to do the drop off but if you are going that way then it would make sense for you to do it.

The housework and cooking etc also needs to be split 50/50.

RachelGreeneGreep · 24/02/2023 15:03

he does help with this
This immediately puts you in the manager/ boss role when it comes to housework, saying that he 'helps'.

Why shouldn't he pull his weight when it comes to housework/ childcare and so forth! He does indeed understand that you don't have time to yourself, of course he does. It just doesn't matter to him, imo.

Naunet · 24/02/2023 15:14

I don’t get it, why aren’t you taking any time to yourself on weekends? Don’t wait for him to offer, just take it.

Cakeandcardio · 24/02/2023 15:30

We have the exact same set up here. On his day off every fortnight, my DH uses the time to tidy, clean or do bigger jobs like painting etc. Then he might have an hour or two in the afternoon to himself. He also does the drop off and pick up that day so I can get home earlier.

cloudsintheskies · 24/02/2023 15:45

Please do not have any more children with this 'man' no matter how much you may want a sibling for your child. He is showing you who he is.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/02/2023 15:57

actually i don't think you're expecting ENOUGH

ok he gets a day off every other week, you can't move nursery to accommodate this so he gets it off, but him doing drop off and pick up on that day should be absolutely standard.

you say work is flexible so can you do a long day on his day off and then have time off on a day dc goes in to nursery?

why is he HELPING YOU do the chores for a house and child you share? why are you doing housework all weekend whilst he relaxes?

Why can;t you have alone time of a weekend?

why can't you (money aside) have a weekend away with friends?

why can't you just have a few hours off after he gets in from work to see a movie?

you have one child between you, he works week days, it shouldn't be this hard to get alone time

Xol · 24/02/2023 15:59

Lemme guess, when he picks up your child he views it as a favour to you, not something that's the normal responsibility of any parent?

SleekMamma · 24/02/2023 16:05

Once you have done 10 hours of house chores in a week- just stop doing any more house stuff. At all. Then you are even. See how he likes that. Might appreciate you then.

HE IS TAKING THE PISS
NO YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE

Sceptre86 · 24/02/2023 16:11

Yabu for setting your standards so low and having a child with him in the first place. The fact that you need to ask if yabu is sad in itself! He doesn't love you, if he did he would see you running around like a headless chicken and step in and up. He isn't and doesn't want to spend time with his child. Your child will learn that his behaviour is acceptable because you accept it and so the cycle will continue. Value yourself more, put a stop to it and give him a reality check that he needs to do his fair share or you will be off. The other alternative is to make peace with his laziness and accept you will always have to do the running around for your family. I know what I'd do but it's up to you op.

Wombats67 · 24/02/2023 16:12

He might well understand but he doesn't need or want the status quo to change.

Dixiechickonhols · 24/02/2023 16:23

No it’s not fair. You should have equal free time. You are working 30 hours he’s working ft. There will be a knock on effect on your earnings and pension. You say he’s your partner. If you aren’t married there’s no mechanism to address this financial disparity if you later split.

NumberTheory · 24/02/2023 16:24

He doesn’t seem to understand that I literally never have any time to myself, let alone a full day off regularly.

Unless he has significant learning difficulties, of course he understands this. He just isn't prepared to give up any of his free time to enable you to get some too.

Dillydollydingdong · 24/02/2023 16:28

If you're a parent, it's a full time job. You can't be part time. Kids don't just disappear when it's not convenient to give them attention. Tell him he needs to be a father not a part time worker.

amonsteronthehill · 24/02/2023 16:41

The most depressing part of your post is the fact you have to ask if this is fair.

Of course it's not. He's being a selfish arse.

PrinceHaz · 24/02/2023 16:53

You’ll never change this man. You’ll be flogging a dead horse trying. Do you like him?

Thesharkradar · 24/02/2023 16:58

cosmiccosmos · 24/02/2023 07:40

Doing the same thing and expecting a different result never works. If he refuses to do any drop offs/housework etc then change your mindset.

He puts himself first, doesn't value you or his child.

Do the same, prioritise everything to suit you and your child and stop doing anything that relates to him - laundry, meals, family stuff ir buying his family cards/gifts and hosting. Plan your time as if he isn't there, you will feel a weight lifted from your shoulders. If you continue to suck it up you are enabling it.

this^

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