Nobody wants to play with my child

[newjobnewstartihope]

In year 2. Been invited to a few whole class parties but not where kids choose a few friends. Never been asked to go to anyone's house or any play dates out of school .
I have asked a few separate people if they wanted to do something/come over and no answer off anyone . I feel really sad for them when they see their other school mates getting together out of school. Spoken to teacher a few times who has always said there's no friendship issues she's aware of but she can't do anything about out of school. Does anyone else's child struggle like this

OP, what is your child's personality like?
I was shy in school, maybe had a couple of friends in primary - but I didn't get invited to parties (unless whole class ones) and never to 1-1 play dates.

In secondary I was very lonely until about yr 9 when I made more friends - and since then it's been ok! I know, it's a long ol' slog though!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that although I agree it is hurtful and sad, in the long run it doesn't matter. I don't know many people who are still friends with someone from their primary school days.

Just make sure your child does other things, sports , clubs etc (my parents didn't do that with me)

I was that child. It is shit. But it isn't forever x

My child isn't dirty scruffy or naughty and my home isn't unsafe

Could any of the following be putting them off?

A parent/older sib who smokes/drinks/uses drugs/has MH problem
A dog
Other parents find you very intense

I think at that age quite a few of my friends were from ballet (none attended my school actually, a couple did attend the same term holiday club). It was a shared interest, and every year there was a sort of official test to pass to the next grade level in a different location with ‘judges’ - it was actually nothing much but for us it was huge, so lots of bonding over that). There’s also lots of parents bonding about which shoes, equipment, competitions ( if one parent couldn’t attend an event, there was usually a designated other one that would take on the most of the mum role emotionally, then everyone else would pitch in with hair etc).
As for the holiday club, well it wasn’t much fun, it was state funded, so you get kind of jealous of people with abroad holidays etc. It wasn’t an awful club or anything, but we had lots of organised activities together. Apart from the ballet girls never saw them outside of that club though, friendships don’t have to be intense everyday thinks.
I did end up making a couple of close friends at school, but tbh I was much more invested in my ballet friends.

So definitely try out lots of extracurriculars (they don’t have to be expensive, ballet at primary age is hardly expensive), shared interests are fun, especially if not many people at school share them

And I think it does model in a way that there’s no reason to limit your friendships to 30 people you happen to be in a class and future environments.

Even today for example one of my friendships groups is a group of people we have a seasonal ballet opera subscription, we’ll go for a dinner or drink afterwards and chat about it.

It’s not an unhealthy approach in my eyes, it teaches you not to limit your world to your immediate surroundings, and that there are tons of kids you have never met also in vicinity who share your interests, or just personality, that you can gel fine with.

As a side note, I did find that some of the very excluded children either came from very different backgrounds and the parents were uncomfortable of home play dates (it’s not nice, but unfortunately real in life), or who gave the impression of trying too hard with the popular groups, when there were others in the same situation. I admit my parents didn’t want them at home either, not because of the kids themselves, but not knowing the parents is huge.
So try to start with outdoor activities, like PP have suggested, soft play, but the parents should join in the beginning.

You come back to respond to just this but nothing else? 😐

No mention of whether your son is happy at the school? Whether the teachers have fed back that he’s alone, no one plays with him? How’s your relationship with the other parents? And what does ignoring you actually look like??

Agreed a lot of context is missing… is the son ok ?

I was perfectly happy for instance with my ballet friends, and not too bothered by school relationships, I was never alone as in no one to play with, and that was fine for me. Year 4/5 I think I started a couple of closer friendships at school, and definitely at secondary.

Has your child actually expressed sadness at the lack of playdates?

My children didn’t really have many friends over or go to their houses until they were a little bit older and it was easier to let them get on with playing together.

Not ONCE does the OP imply that her child is actually unhappy. It’s all about her

Op...I've been where you are. This is NOTHING to do with your child. Sadly, at this age, parents only invite the children of the parents they are friends with. Your child could be the most popular in the class but it doesn't matter. It's cliquey at this stage. As the children get older and more opinionated, it will change.

Yes it does make it a little hard to understand.

@newjobnewstartihope It’s very understandable that when you start a thread, you kind of spontaneously post without too much direction, because you’re understandably upset’ and have been for a while.

May I suggest you try to do a summary response (only as much as you’re comfortable to share)
A couple of suggestions

Mostly, has your son expressed sadness ?

The tacher has expressed he seems ok at school, does this imply he still has people to play with at the playground, and is not sitting alone at lunch for instance ?

Are you new to the region ? Is it a small zone (in which case a lot of mums will have known each other for ages)

Does your son have any particular interests ? Do they align with most of his classmates (ex does he like the ever so popular football?) Have you tried extracurriculars that fit those instead ? And I don’t know the age for brownies, but it’s quite a consensus for being inclusive ?

Have you tried to expose him to a variety of activities (it can be just watching a video on YouTube, but ideally watching older children practice ?) because of course you can’t I’d imagine commit financially to ten clubs !
There are clubs that are intended to expose children to a variety of sports for half term, I did one of those, I only like baseball but had a lot of ballet hours already so didn’t commit.
It could even be a conversation with his classmates parents, ex I’ve heard Tommy does X activity, would you mind if we joined you to watch a game, so my son could get exposure to it ?

Ill stop here, but I agree with PP that a little more information is needed, and I’m sure we would be more able, and happy to, help.

Agreed nothing at all to do with the child.
I may be wrong, but it seems a little like the OP is trying a lot to invite to her house. That won’t happen without knowing the parents. Who I agree may be just cliquey regardless unfortunately.
Hope your child is evolving positively re friendships 💚

OP - what were you looking to gain from this thread? Lots of people have offered advice and asked questions about things to try and help you, but you don't seem to be responding in enough detail.

I do find it strange that everyone you've ever asked has ignored you - there's obviously a reason - do they respond to messages that aren't about play dates?

Maybe it’s got nothing to do with you or you’d DD. By year 2, a lot of the parents may have already formed groups who regularly have play dates/hang out etc. They could simply just be too lazy to socialise with someone from outside their circle.

Hey could the poster private message me? I have the same issue? Xx

I have the same, have had dc here for play dates and it's never reciprocated. One really pissed me off when I'd had twins over 3 times- twice short notice to help the mum out when she was ill and once just as a play date, decent tea every time and lots of fun- no thank you and then the mum took another dc from the class out to the cinema and made a big deal about it in front of my dc. Never even invited mine over to tea/meet at the park etc.

Same with parties, my DC is rarely invited. I've asked the teacher and no issues at school m, dc just has a very low tolerance for bullshit so is part of a few friend groups but not particularly intense in any of them. They are happy and we have friends outside of school so meet up with them, which I prefer as I'm friends with the parents too.