Nobody wants to play with my child

[newjobnewstartihope]

In year 2. Been invited to a few whole class parties but not where kids choose a few friends. Never been asked to go to anyone's house or any play dates out of school .
I have asked a few separate people if they wanted to do something/come over and no answer off anyone . I feel really sad for them when they see their other school mates getting together out of school. Spoken to teacher a few times who has always said there's no friendship issues she's aware of but she can't do anything about out of school. Does anyone else's child struggle like this

When I invite it's always something like

"DD would like to go to the park next week and she'd love to take XX so they can play together. Is XX free on Monday, Wednesday or Friday next week. I can pick her up at about 10am and we'll stay out for lunch then I'll drop her home. Let me know if she's allergic to anything as I'll take a picnic."

Is your child very shy or the total opposite? My DS can be very full on and I know a lot of children find this too much.

Does your child tell you who they play with at school?

I know of many children who haven't really settled into friendships of any sort until yr 4/5 but they play more broadly and fluidly when younger and they didn't really have play dates or birthday parties until much older. It can take a while for many children to develop the social skills needed to develop friendships.

I really feel for you. We are in a similar situation but my DD has some additional needs and unfortunately her behaviour at school is quite challenging, which obviously doesn’t help. My heart breaks for her. We had a whole class party for her last birthday which was a huge success, most of the kids came and had lots of fun but it didn’t lead to any playdate invites as I had hoped :( I’m just trying to gently encourage friendships when talking to DD about school and hope that some develop organically over time.

What are you saying in the text messages?

Join a football team (or something your child is interested in) they make friends quickly and you'll spend a lot of time with the other parents. My son is in year 2 and plays for two teams. I've made some friends and so has he. They often go to each other's houses before or after training so parents get a break too. Good luck, it must be really hard

it’s really hard. Because the reality is that if no-one wants to play with your child and no parents ever respond to your communications then there will definitely be a reason.

I would speak to the teacher about who she plays with at school, whether there are any issues there, whether there is any reason why children aren’t wanting to play with her or she hasn’t formed any real friendships.

And be honest with yourself, is there anything about you which could make parents think twice about having your child over or allowing their child to yours? How are you at making friends?

Nobody wants to have to do these kind of self examinations, but sadly there is often a reason we either haven’t seen or don’t want to admit to.

Asking this gently but are you neurodiverse OP? It's strange for people to ignore your texts unless you're really missing some social cues.

How long has DD been at the school for? Are you friendly with the other parents? What happens when your DD has a birthday party? Do her classmates come?

Does your child attend any clubs? Do you have any mum friends?

I think some classes are just a bit like this, they don't gel or lots of people know each other and don't look out side each other - I know this as I have 3 kids and they have had very different social experiences, which is partially them, and definitely partially the classroom dynamics (classes have been mixed at various points). Some of the kids of the periphery in earlier years are now in quite established popular social groups in years 5/6 (my oldest year), so it really might not be you or your child. If they are happy I would try not to worry about it, school is a lot of social interaction.

It does sound odd, if there’s no issue with your child then it may be you

It's the lack of specifics, you need to take the lead on when and where. Are you suggesting weekends, which some people are less likely to respond to quickly as they often have to chat to DH or have plans.

Do you live somewhere people tend to walk to school, so you could realistically suggest a coffee, park etc straight after school? Take a frisbee or football to the park, so kids gravitate towards playing with DC.

I'd also ask which activities kids do, particularly DCs friends. If they both go to football on Wednesday, you'll fall more easily into doing things together.

@newjobnewstartihope you need to mention a date or specific day

Or ask what day is xxx free next week as dc would like them to come for a play

And ideally face to face so can't ignore a text

Some parents wouldn't send to a house they haven't been to

So can also add - you are welcome to come over for a cuppa while they play or I can drop off after

All DC struggle from one time or another. I'd join cubs, judo, drama. Just get him signed up and he'll fall in and feel a bit better. Sometimes it's about confidence. But if your DC is a bit quiet, it helps massively if you have friends with DC. If you don't currently, it's well worth signing up for a few activities yourself. A lot of our play meet ups were where I knew the other parent and to he honest that's much easier and more fun than ones where I didn't know the parent.

Talk to your child. Are they having difficulty with friendships in school? At this age it’s all the parents as the kids don’t have much control over planning, inviting, etc.

You missed the point a bit there op!

No one was questioning your kids’ hygiene. It was a just a suggestion of possible reasons why other children might not want to spend time with your children...

Can you think objectively about your kids (rather than as their mum) and see what might be offputting for other children?

Are you inviting the parent as well? Lots of parents won't leave their DC if they don't know the hosting parent.

Is there a class whatsapp group? Could you ask if anyone wanted to meet for an afterschool play/ to go somewhere? Keep it casual... "We're heading to the playground after school if anyone wants to join?"

School playgrounds are a bit of a nightmare. I live in a nice village and my friend asked me before my dd started school if I was intended to look “gathered”. Ie dressed well or to the norm or whatever. I looked at her as if she had 2 heads then took the advice.

Parents tend to regress to their former childhood playground roles. So what was yours like and what are you presenting? If there is anyone you gravitate to or who seems to be a similar personality to you, they may be agreeable to a play date. Observe the children, who doesn’t have play dates often and think about asking them - or children of parents, who go to childcare and whose child might appreciate a play date for a change even if it can’t be reciprocated.

As for your ds, I agree with others to get doing some out of school activities. If your ds is physical, idk if football is his thing but rugby might be better as it’s generally more inclusive. Then there’s clubs like karate, judo, cubs (or is it beavers at his age?) etc.

That's really sad. Could you try groups outside of school? Brownies or an equivalent (can't remember the age or gender that you mentioned).

That’s such a shame! Do you know if he plays with anyone in particular at school? Do you go to the park after school at weekends or after school and bump into school friends there? Just so you can observe the chemistry.

Otherwise, is there anyone else in the class who is in the same position? It’s easier to get in with the less popular crowd and the less popular mums.

I have this issue but my dd turned out to be autistic and not really interested in friendships.
I would keep them busy with out of school clubs. Now is a great time to start and in a few years you may find they have a passion which will help them make friends throughout their lives. Go to cubs/brownies, swimming, football/hockey/ballet, musical theatre, martial arts etc. If they are busy they won’t feel they are missing out and may find more like minded friends that way.

How well do you know the other parents?
Often at that age friendships and socialisation amongst the parents, leads to kids getting to know each other.
One school that my DC attend has a big group of parents who are active in a particular church and another group are very local to a small village and were ante natal class mates.
Not saying that this is the only way that kids make friends but it is certainly a factor.
I also know many families that just don’t do play dates, working long hours, single, babies and toddlers at home, having to take siblings to activities after school, picking siblings up from other schools.
Some people are just not confident or comfortable having other children in their car or home and they are unlikely to volunteer that information.
It is great that you have spoken to the teacher and that your DC has no issues with play mates during the school day.
Easier said than done, but I wouldn’t worry about it at all.

Difficult but objectively what is your child like?

Big hug and 💐as long as they have a lovely mum like you they will be okay I’m sure

I wouldn't send my daughter on a play date to a house I'd never been and to a parent I barely knew. So if you asked me I'd nod politely, made non-committal noises and then forget it completely.