Nobody wants to play with my child

[newjobnewstartihope]

In year 2. Been invited to a few whole class parties but not where kids choose a few friends. Never been asked to go to anyone's house or any play dates out of school .
I have asked a few separate people if they wanted to do something/come over and no answer off anyone . I feel really sad for them when they see their other school mates getting together out of school. Spoken to teacher a few times who has always said there's no friendship issues she's aware of but she can't do anything about out of school. Does anyone else's child struggle like this

But this is the thing. I've said can x come and play next Thursday . Can x meet at such and such place. Would x like to do this with y.
I've literally tried all varieties of ways and been ignored everytime.
My child isn't dirty scruffy or naughty and my home isn't unsafe. I talk to several parents at pick up so I've literally tried everything to help my child with play dates and stuff but nobody will .
It's fucking heartbreaking

fucking Heart breaking seems a bit dramatic, if they have friends in school and they are there a lot does it really matter? Do you have friends with children? Stop relying on school friends? Make mum friends there are apps for this, put them in clubs outside of school, school isn’t the only option, we’ve never done play dates. Do you have family or friends with kids?

Do you do big birthday parties, you could try doing a smaller one at home so parents get to see your home a drop off/pick up. Kids love a party so more likely to come and you could target the ones he talks about.

No I don't and unless your child is in that situation whilst their peers in their class enjoy regular play dates you wouldn't have a clue how it feels

Op, how did you fare at a school in terms of friendships?

and do you have friends now? Any friends at the school?

It's fucking heartbreaking OP be honest here, who is it heartbreaking for?

Because all through this thread you have mentioned how you are sad that no-one invites your child to play, how you are heartbroken, how the parents are ignoring you.

What about your child? Nowhere have you mentioned tht your child is coming home sad that they don’t have any friends.

Nowhere have you said that your child is sad that they don’t get invited to play dates.

Your child’s teacher at school has said there aren’t any issues in school.

It sounds to me as if you are living out your own insecurities through your child. A child who from what you’ve written here doesn’t seem to be experiencing the same heartbreak that you are.

You need to be careful that you’re not projecting feelings of inadequacy on to your child by being heartbroken that in your words, no-one wants to play with them.

Lack of play dates doesn’t equal no friends. It really doesn’t.

Is your child happy at the school

at parents consultations does his teacher say he has friends?

What do you mean “ignore” you in practise?

I do know exactly how it feels, my oldest 2 children are autistic they don't have any friends at all, never invited anywhere not all a whole class party , so i.know more than what you do, you said your child is popular and has friends and gets invited to parties so what's the problem?. It's sad but fucking heartbreak ing ? I.know my kids were happy with how things were neither have been interested in friends so I had to.let it go and realise it wasn't about me and how I feel, I agree with another poster this seems far more about how you feel than your child.

OP, this is a tough read for you and I feel for you ploughing through this. It is ok for you to feel sad about this and I hear you.

I have seen some parents on FB talk about moving to new areas and using apps that puts parents together in that locality. I am so sorry I don't know the name but I think you will find it easily with a quick Google.

There's some good suggestions here about out of school activities that might really help. Outside of school friends could definitely be the answer here.

For what it's worth, I am super protective with my kids about where they go and whenever inviting kids the first time I always made it very clear that the parent was welcome to come in and have a cuppa and check us out (as I expected the same).

I think you need to start making friends with the other mums and invite them around to yours for a cup of tea.

Does your child have friends at school? And are you sure that others in the class are doing play dates? Some families aren’t interested in play dates due to lack of time, or seeing their actual friends with kids or kids doing clubs etc.

Do you have friends of your own? Any with kids that you could arrange play dates for as they’re so important to you?

Op this is heartbreaking to watch your child feeling sad over this.

I would agree that after school clubs is the way the way to go - there are less kids to compete for friendships. Compared to playground. Is there an activity that your child is particular good at that is also a club. Initially some kids tend to be drawn to other kids who are for example good at art/ football/ singing etc. after that it's about personality. Is there a club that you could volunteer to set up and run one day a week after school.

I would stop asking parents for now as they have been ignoring you. Usually it is two way and kids tend to pester parents for play dates or their child has taken a noticeable interest in yours so parents want to check out your child to see why if it is a friendship they want to encourage. If their child isn't showing any interest then they are unlikely to pursue it, unless a sympathetic teacher gets involved and asks a trusted and sympathetic parent which engineers a play date but you might feel this adds to the heartbreak if it doesn't result in a genuine friendship and more playmates.

I for one hated play dates but my son was in a class where it was a.thing. So I tolerated them so he felt included as it should be reciprocated. We didn't do sleepovers.

What they are good for is teaching children to build and nurture friendships and it helps if there is a solid connection such as school, so that when they move to seniors they know how to choose good friendships and manage them as you won't be involved. But if your child hasn't learnt how to make and and maintain friendships in the "safety" of school then I think it is harder as they get older.

We did also have a child who didn't get any play dates, he had SEN and was an only child - so no siblings at home to play with. but the parents would always offer to do pick ups if other parents were stuck for childcare for example Inset day or finishing early although this was sad they saw it as better than nothing for their child as other children sadly wouldn't have chosen to go for play dates or invite them.

I feel the same op, my dd is a bit younger but she keeps talking about wanting to go to her friend's house again (nursery classmate) but the mum hasn't been answering my texts. Wondering if I was somehow rude to her last time we met. It feels awful to be responsible for my kid's social life!

Can you suggest playdates in a third space, not someone's home? Eg a soft play/activity centre or something, then you can also get to know the other mum over a coffee?

No weather is getting slightly nicer .,,,

Can you suggest on a Friday that all meet at the park after school for a play

Think you said there was a class wats app

Is there a head of it ? Who started it? Can you chat to her in person

I’m sorry you are experiencing this.

I have four grown up children. All were very pleasant, easy going characters but only three of them had lots of friends, were invited out to play etc. The third child just didn’t seem to gel with his classmates. There was nothing different about him than my other 3. He was a great kid.
He is a mature adult now with a family of his own.
I wonder if it’s a similar thing for your child- some mysterious factor that has caused them not to gel with their class mates, nothing of their own doing? With another group they might have been fine?

Who knows?

Just in case try to stand back from the situation and view yourself and child as others may view you, is there anything they may find remarkable or take exception to? There probably isn’t!

If I were you I wouldn’t offer any more invites for a while.
Do things together with your child which you both enjoy. Perhaps join a club away from the school mates.

Good luck- you have my sympathy.

Some kids are better than others at socialising. You can help by creating opportunities and also being a role model and helping your child with a bit of direction.
Friendships change lots at primary school so I wouldn't invest too much emotionally in any of this.
Some kids friendship groups are dictated by parental friendship groups - these are people who already know each other and get on and frankly they might not be interested in adding to that. Often happens when they're friends from their first children.
Don't take it so personally.
Encourage your kid to have friends outside of school - do clubs, Brownies is good for learning about inclusive play and friendship.
If you're putting out friendly invitations and getting no response, I would suggest these people won't make good friends anyway! Look elsewhere.

Definitely try brownies or one of those where they can have activities to bond over.

I am pretty sure play dates are quite a recent obsession, but that might just be my experience. Personally at primary school I was ostracised most of the way through due to differences in accent and background ( it was a really small village school), plus my home was up on a massive hill out of town, my mum was on her own most of the time, so what with one thing and another, no school play dates. my real friends were “home” friends, met out of school. We are still great friends today, I’m happy to say. Secondary school was loads better as we moved area and in a bigger pool it’s easier.

are there any well-frequented local parks or playgrounds? most of the time seeing my child’s classmates out of school happens accidentally because there are local playgrounds and often the kids will bump into each other ( sometimes literally). you can see how they interact, exchange a bit of chit chat with other parents, get a spot of coffee, and all without the looming shadow of the school gates, which is often helpful in getting to know people. Then you end up making plans to meet up same time same place, especially in holidays when everyone is looking for stuff to do.

not every parent likes play dates, which is one reason they might be hard to secure. I am unwilling to let my child be at someone’s house if I don’t know the parents. I’ve done it once and they had a great time, but it was against my instincts and I won’t be doing it again any time soon. For various reasons there’s lots of psyching up involved in having school
people round to our house. The kids love it, but I find it quite a lot, so admit I do often steer a bit clear unless it’s unavoidable.

Oof! So far, so freaking torturous. most of the play date quandaries seem to be about parents.
It’s extremely rude of them not to reply to you. I don’t know why anyone would just not reply, and that must feel horrible.

At the end of the day,play dates aren’t the be-all. If your child is happy at school and the teacher has specifically looked for and found no problems, please try not to worry too much. If your child is unhappy about the lack of dates, after school clubs or out of school activities might be the places where kids can get to know each other in a different context, with shared interests.
Sorry this is a bit of a ramble OP, very good luck.

But people just ignore me when I ask

Who are you asking? It might be worth looking out for the less confident and outgoing parents, you might be glad to arrange something.

As already mentioned, be specific and flexible, too.

Some of my strongest friends started as people a hit on the fringes of things, because they were new to the area and finding their feet.

Good CNN luck.

This is a tough one because I’ve been the one forced into a very awkward discussion with a parent on the playground once or twice. The reason it’s awkward is because the truth is that her child plays rough and swears, but the mum is adamant that neither is happening at home and it’s not true. And at the end of the day I have to look out for my number one just as much as you do. If my kid tells me she won’t play with X because he’s been mean to her on several occasions and has hurt her, I would never then insist on her going for play dates with this person. I have replied to this parent and openly had to say I’m sorry but my daughter doesn’t want to and I can’t force her. She became quite rude in her responses demanding answers to why so in the end I relayed a few incidents and said “I understand entirely that this is my daughter’s point of view and she’s not perfect either”. I then got a reply about when my daughter had annoyed her son blah blah so in the end I said “it sounds like our children just don’t get along, a play date doesn’t sound like a good idea. Thank you anyway”.

Have you spoken to the teacher, have you asked who your child hangs with? If those are the parents you’ve approached for play dates and they’re not responding, I’d join activities outside of school if possible. Someone mentioned brownies, swimming is another good way of making friends similar ages. I’m sorry but if the parents don’t respond it’s clearly a friendship they don’t want to encourage outside of school hours and as sad as that is, you’re going to have to accept it. As someone who was alone a lot as a child (and now again as an adult, if I’m honest!), I do understand your feelings but it is what it is. Eventually your child will find someone.

I had a few good friends and played at other kids houses etc
Now I still have a few good friends and socialise regularly

Of course we want to wrap our kids in cotton wool, hug them to pieces and protect them from all the nastiness and unpleasantness in the world. And it would be lovely if everyone was kind and inclusive. So it's entirely natural to feel the way that you feel. You have an upset child on your hands, I don't think you're making it about you.

Unfortunately you can't protect them from the world and not everyone they come across, especially other children and parents at school, will be kind and 'fair' to them. I think there's two things you can do. The first is minimise the importance of what they're missing out on... keep it bright and breezy, "oh well, I guess everyone's very busy", make them feel it's not about them and work to give your DC an absolutely fantastic time at home. Life is not fair, but they'll hopefully learn that they can have a good time in their own way, make their own fun and don't need always to be invited to everything, and it's nothing "wrong" with them.

The second is to increase their social opportunities and resilience. Sign them up for afterschool club occasionally, give them plenty of opportunities to socialise out of school, model social situations and being confident with them and encourage them to have their own interests. Socialising is like anything else... they will get better at it with practice (for example, reading social cues) but they need the opportunities to do it in the first place.

You aren’t addressing the questions about whether you might be the issue because something is clearly stopping all these parents from interacting with you and I don’t believe an entire class of parents are so rude/forgetful that not one of them bothers to reply.

Okay, it's not the specifics- did a lot of kids in their class go to nursery together?

I have an autistic DD and had to go all out to help her develop friendships, luckily she was in a class where there were a lot of kids without nursery groups.

My much more sociable DS was invited less often in the early years because his class had a well established social group of mums, who helped each other with childcare and would go to swimming, football etc together. They just didn't need another friend. When the kids were old enough to issue their own invites, he was a lot more included - so it came good.

What are the class dynamics like?

I have asked a few separate people if they wanted to do something/come over and no answer off anyone

Too vague. Plan something and invite the child not the parent.

"Bobby's going to have a baking afternoon/ we're going to the park/library/ to feed the ducks. ... Would Jim like to come too? "