Leaving baby to cry to tend to older child or eat or do anything and I feel so guilty.

[Cookiemonster83]

I spent most of my days just feeling so guilty and like I’m not doing a very good job at all.

baby is 3 months with milk allergy and reflux so she cries an awful lot and sleeps hardly at all.

I also have a six year old. Either I’m ignoring the six year old to tend to baby or leaving the baby to cry to tend to six year old. Baby won’t sleep in anything other then in her sling, I can’t do everything wearing her and sometimes my legs and back ache (I have anaemia). I put her in her bouncer each morning to get six year old ready and she just screams until she is sick and sweating and I end up so stressed and guilty and cry. I put her in the sling when I’m done and she falls asleep wet and hot from crying. If she is awake she wants out of the sling immediately but won’t be put in bouncer so it’s just a case of walk around until next time she sleeps.

My six year old is always sick and has spent the last week in her room coughing as she wakes the baby when in the same room.

I just feel like I can’t look after either of them properly.

If baby is clean and fed, and well, you tend to the older one.

@KangarooKenny so just leave her crying is ok? She is fed and changed just does not want to be put down. She doesn’t wear herself out she just will cry until she is soaking. It’s so upsetting.

I used to have to leave DD1 crying because she howled from the second I put her down. So if I never let her cry I'd never have gone to the loo, got dressed, had lunch or even left the house for the entirety of mat leave. I was always there talking to her, but it didn't make any difference. The second my hands left her, she was hysterical. I didn't do it more than I had to, but I couldn't just not eat.

@WeWereInParis its awful having to listen to it, I’m having to put earplugs in. She ends up being sick and her hair is wet from sweat and that’s in a few mins. I’d need longer to get dressed etc and I worry what mess she will get in and whether my nerves could take the sound.

Have you tried putting her down on her front whilst you are in the same room?

I used to put on dance music with a good beat (like a heartbeat) and then just do what I could.

That sounds awful, I only have one DC and his milk allergy when younger was awful.

Are you dairy free and BF or using CMPA formula? And how long since you've had to change the way they are fed?

@Ducksurprise I’ve tried she hates tummy time. She is a grumpy bugger! She does seem to be a very scared baby, any sound or noise will make her jump. Ended up with emergency c section as as soon as they started the oxytocin drip on the lowest level her heart rate rocketed.

My baby was like this at first, minus the reflux. I could never put her down, she would cry in the bouncer, play gym or even put down on the bed while I got dressed in the same room. It was ab nightmare, every meal was eaten with her screaming.

I had no choice and it sounds like you don't either . There's nothing you can do, but one day it will get better ❤️

I have found that singing certain songs to her can help...she likes 10 green bottles and the wheels on the bus. That's how I stop her howling in the car.

Personally I did it the other way round and made my older one wait. But a lot of it was in the prep and also making the most of when baby was happy/sleeping/on the boob etc. As an example, getting organised for school the night before and then getting older one dressed before breakfast because baby was happy in the bouncer. It meant older one sitting around dressed two hours early but everyone was happier.

I think it's your youngest, particularly with her having a traumatic start to life, that needs you now in order to support her to feel safe and secure and avoid lifelong anxiety.

Sounds exactly like my DS. High needs, demanding, sensitive baby +++. The bit about your DD wanting out of the sling as soon as she is awake still gives me shivers. I remember DS screaming in the sling for a good half an hour because he had woken early from his nap and I wasn’t home and couldn’t carry him all the way. DS literally wanted to be carried around in my arms, upright, facing outwards, all day from weeks old. Hated being put down in any contraption but also hated being restrained in the sling. He was a bit refluxy but to be honest I think it was mostly his personality.

He got better with every milestone and turned into a sensitive, inquisitive, delightful toddler who gives me no bother whatsoever. He’s miles easier than most toddlers who were ‘easy’ babies.

Just to reassure you, he was my only at the time, but I used to have to leave him to cry because crying was his default and I literally couldn’t solve it all the time. For my only sanity, I had to have breaks from him otherwise I might have done something unthinkable. I don’t think the crying has done any lasting damage. I think he was just born extremely sensitive and hyper alert and couldn’t deal with any form of stimulation in the early days.

@VivaVivaa this is exactly my baby she is overstimulated by everything. Bath time which is meant to be relaxing involves her feet touching the other side of the bath and she Moves them up and down and is happy with the squeaky noise for 2 minutes then is freaking out crying, bath time is awful. She is super sensitive and scared, poor little thing. It’s definitely super hard on your sanity to hear screaming for hours. Not being able to shower or change or even get out if you do you have to listen to the screams. Then I’m so stressed and upset we go nowhere.

@Isthisexpected Can she end up anxious forever because I have to let her cry some parts of the day? I just feel so awful as it is.

Oh love this sounds incredibly hard. I completely remember the anxiety feeling of your baby crying but needing to sort out another. It's like being a rabbit caught in headlights and whatever you do feels like it's the wrong thing.

At 6, your older one should be able to get themselves ready for school and get their breakfast. Is this happening? Encourage them with a chart to tick off each day - breakfast, uniform, bag packed, teeth brushed, drink etc. kids love having a "challenge" to do and hopefully that will make it a little easier. Baby will just have to wait at some points.

It will get easier and you are doing a great job. Your best is good enough!

I had a multiply allergic baby like this in lockdown with a toddler and felt similarly to you. You can’t physically hold them all the time, talk to her so she knows you are there, lots of cuddles when you’ve done what you need to.

Mine is now nearly 3 and a chilled, happy, thriving, funny, playful little person. It will get better. It will probably be easier next week if this week is half term for you.

In the meantime get to the bottom of her allergies (if you are dairy free try cutting soya, if formula feeding ask for amino acid based formula as next step). Properly treat any eczema and reflux (this is harder, none of the medicines work wonders).

@whatthebejesus my 6 year old who is gonna be 7 soon is really young for her age. She has zero focus and will just mess about and get distracted unless I am there doing it all with her. She is also going through a difficult time with her dad so she needs my attention and think her acting babyish is a way of getting it from me, although she has always been away with the fairy’s. She is also very oppositional and will never do as she is asked until I end up shouting, it’s awful.

@DonnatellaLyman this half term has been bloody awful. Big one has been sick since Sunday, constantly coughing waking the baby so I asked her to sit in her bed with iPad and I put films on, she of course did not want to do this and the week has been a battle with her.

Baby is on Neocate now and omeprazole with magic mix thickener. She is better but she is just a baby who cries and doesn’t sleep ever!!!

I feel for you! My youngest is nearly one, he was such a hard baby. Me and my partner took it in turns sitting upright with him through the night while the other slept as he just would not settle if put down. I learnt to do a lot of things one handed. Used a sling with him never had to with the others but like you say there’s only so much you can do with them in a sling. I’ve had a bad back since he was a few weeks old. He had reflux so maybe that was to do with it.

I have two other kids although they are older and a bit more independent but the mum guilt was still there, I struggled to keep on top of everything, even washing and sterilising bottles took forever as he cried as soon as I put him down. I did leave him to. Ty for a couple of minutes at a time while I tried to squeeze a few things in.

my saving Grace was baby sensory videos on YouTube. It was like a miracle and wish I had found it sooner. The first time I put it on he actually sat in his chair for 20 mins without moaning, I felt so free lol I kept popping in, going to do something else, popping in again going to do another thing while I had the chance. I know it won’t work for all babies but worth a go.

my son still doesn’t sleep great now and can but quite needy still but we have come a long way from the first couple of months - I still remember it well though and remember how hard it was. I cried so much in those times x

When you have more than one child there are always situations all day long when you have to attend to one and leave the other to wail. It is not a big deal and is simply part of life. Any of us here who had siblings will have been in that situation and we have survived!

DS had 3 month colic and almost to the day it stopped and I put him down expecting him to start crying after a few minutes. He didn't but stayed asleep! 3 months of slinging him. Fingers x it's just that.

Ring sling where she can be on you and probably won't cry as you do other things.

Are you being treated for your anaemia? I had horrific anaemia with ds1 and dd1 was a toddler so even mild exertion would leave me exhausted. Lots of iron tablets and iron rich food for you.

Get older one to help by getting their own clothes ready the night before. If you need to do things, get them to soothe baby - gentle rocking in the pram, singing while in the bouncer. Gently stroking forehead - we could all put my nieces to sleep with a gentle stroke down from forehead to tip of nose. Was very soothing for them and 3 out of 4 of mine soothed the same way.

Is baby being adequately treated for allergy and reflux? My niece is dairy and soy allergic. Took a long while to find a formula she could tolerate with lots of tears from mum and baby in between.

Is dad able to step up? Particularly with eldest, even if she is struggling with him. Your eldest is going to pick up on any stress from you whether she realises it or not. And having been an only child for nearly 7 years, is likely reacting to a new baby demanding time and attention too. But she is old enough to understand that her sibling is not well and until they start feeling better, mum is going to be spending a lot of time sorting it out so you can all be happier in the long run.

I would also speak to your health visitor. They can arrange for home start to come in and help for a few months. I had twins and 2 under 4. My home start volunteer was a godsend. She'd feed, soothe and play with my babies so I could sort the big two out, or get a shower, have a nap, I could do my cleaning and get a meal prepped for later. Just a sane conversation sometimes! She has remained a lifelong friend.

When it comes to your baby's upset, don't take it personally. This is the only way your young child can communicate her needs right now. And needing mum when you're feeling rotten is perfectly normal.

@minisoksmakehardwork ive just restarted the iron tablets so hopefully kicks in soon.

My partner helps with the baby but the bigger one is not his and she obviously doesn’t wants mummy, especially bathing and getting dressed. She isn’t really capable of getting her clothes ready she would go upstairs and gets distracted and nothing would get done. In the morning I lay out her clothes and she runs off or puts them on backwards, sings and dances in circles and in the end I have to do it. She definitely senses the stress and I try and talk to her and say it would help mummy if she could get ready and help but she just doesn’t seem capable.

As long as there have been humans, there have been mums struggling to care for multiple children and having to leave one to attend to the other. I think it's just part of parenting and not something you can always avoid.

There is a world of difference between leaving a baby crying alone for a long time, not knowing where you are, and leaving a baby for a short time while you deal with their sibling- they know where you are and that they haven't been abandoned, they just have to wait for a little bit.

Best advice I got for dealing with new baby was to talk to the baby about the older child.
Babies just like the sound of your voice but it’s a way of giving the older dc a lot of attention.

Could you try getting 6 yr old dressed while holding the baby, with lots of chat and encouragement.
“oh look at your big sister getting ready for school. I bet you’d like to go to school too, wouldn’t you. Ooh haven’t you a clever sister who can do buttons. Someday she’ll have to teach you about buttons but babies can’t do buttons.”

I know it’s silly written down but it helps enormously with sibling jealousy.

It’s such a hard phase.

@TuesdayJulyNever I can’t get her dressed holding the baby and she will not be in the sling. She literally cries and cries, talking, singing, being in the same room will not stop her crying and flinging herself around. I’ve literally tried everything, the only thing that she will tolerate is facing forward and walking, never stopping or standing still and doing that until next nap time.

Have you tried white noise very loud when she is put down?