Leaving baby to cry to tend to older child or eat or do anything and I feel so guilty.

[Cookiemonster83]

I spent most of my days just feeling so guilty and like I’m not doing a very good job at all.

baby is 3 months with milk allergy and reflux so she cries an awful lot and sleeps hardly at all.

I also have a six year old. Either I’m ignoring the six year old to tend to baby or leaving the baby to cry to tend to six year old. Baby won’t sleep in anything other then in her sling, I can’t do everything wearing her and sometimes my legs and back ache (I have anaemia). I put her in her bouncer each morning to get six year old ready and she just screams until she is sick and sweating and I end up so stressed and guilty and cry. I put her in the sling when I’m done and she falls asleep wet and hot from crying. If she is awake she wants out of the sling immediately but won’t be put in bouncer so it’s just a case of walk around until next time she sleeps.

My six year old is always sick and has spent the last week in her room coughing as she wakes the baby when in the same room.

I just feel like I can’t look after either of them properly.

Yes! See also baby sensory videos on YouTube like the Hey Bear dancing fruit!!

Craniel osteopathy. A difficult birth can lead to a stressed baby, and a build up of tension.
My son was like this and couldn't be put down for any length of time. After 2 sessions he was happy to sit in his bouncer for 2 or 3 minutes before the crying started. Made it a bit more manageable. We did a third session too but only marginal improvement after that one.

Oh and a hip seat might be more comfortable for her/you than the sling.

Mother of 3, with the last one had severe reflux which was undiagnosed. 4,2 & new baby on my own as hubby left when the baby was 3 mths old. My strategy was, I showered before anyone was awake, planned 2 - 3 daily tasks, used the slow cooker for a lot of meals. Frozen vegetables saved prep time. When my 2 yr old & baby napped, I had time with my older child or let her read & while I had a nap. TV & music were a great distraction for the kids & early swimming helped easy my babies pain of reflux as the movement helped with digestion. Reference early 70's.
Get help from Doctor, Nurse or home care health services as you need to rest to keep going. Are there Family or Neighbours who can help for an hour or so. Can you access Pre School if your eldest doesn't go to School? Do you have a Mother's group or online group you can share your experience with? Try asking Hubby to find a common ground game or task your 6yr old & he can do together to build a bond & ease your pressure. Be reassured, your baby crying isn't harmful, in fact it develops the lungs. My baby was better in an upright seat & when he began solid foods, around 10mths. I feel for you, but the reflux will improve.

I agree somewhat with this in that your 6yo will remember this time, whereas your baby won't. It's hard but I'm trying to make it positive for my older child and not always brushing them off, making them wait or getting annoyed because I'm so stressed. I'm also constantly praising them and telling them how much the baby likes them. My older one will sometimes entertain the baby for a few minutes in the bouncer chair while I do stuff in the same room (the benefit of a slightly bigger age gap)... we've learnt a few songs to sing to the baby and the older one likes holding a rattle out for the baby to chew or "reading" a book to the baby.

Your 6 yo cannot do what she can’t do. I’d have the uniform downstairs ready for the next day. Plan for anything which will make life work easier such as a second toothbrush and hairbrush in the downstairs loo if you have one etc.

As for your baby, I have read some absolutely wonderful stuff on cranio osteopathy and spoke to a mum, who used it for her baby so it is worth a try.

Don’t these children have another parent and you a partner?

Your baby will be fine. I'm a single parent of 3 including twins. Someone has to cry - I've only got one pair of hands. I know I'm a good mum so I don't let it bother me x

OP, watch out for iron tablets making you constipated. Best iron supplements I’ve used are spatone. Really gentle and no side effects

Hi, I hope you read this, I have had 2 child with severe and bad reflux, have you tried infant gaviscon? It's a game changer.
Also if you can afford one Amazon sell a sling that keeps the baby to your body for about £20. You will be able to do jobs etc and probably even get your 6 year old ready wearing it.
We all feel guilty most the time, thinking we arnt doing enough.
You're doing your best and that all you can do. Sending you love from one mum to another.

Sorry I can't offer any advice as I only have one, but your baby sounds very similar to how mine was for the first 3-4 months.

It's all a bit of a blur now, but he cried all evening and most of the day unless he was held, being fed or alseep. I didn't go to my first baby class until he was over 4 months because I was so anxious about him having a meltdown on the way or whilst we were there (and his meltdowns were epic). I can't pinpoint exactly when or how things got better, but he's 10mo now and since around 6mo he's improved and now people comment on how chilled out he is, which would've been unthinkable when he was your baby's age.

He also had reflux, which was treated with omeprazole. He was a terrible sleeper too, but we're now on just one wakeup most nights. He still needs movement to sleep in the day but now he's on 2 naps it's much more manageable.

Honest I really sympathise sounds so hard.

If it's at all possible I would be doing the things to look after yourself. It's impossible for you to look after them if you don't look after yourself.. easier said than done I realise! Things like listening to a little bit of women's are so there's another adult voice, coffee with a friend, nice hand cream, whatever it is that makes you feel nourished and cared for- will make you better able to cope with the kids.

No doubt it's hard for both of them as both just want Mummy - right now...

A picture list for your eldest to follow the mornings will be helpful while it's novel. And perhaps of reward chart to go alongside this for every time they do. When I had my second I had a steady supply of large chocolate buttons in my my backpack for or multiple bribery !! I know it's not good parenting but it's effective.. just a very helpful for you as well 😉

To ease the load when it's just you and the baby maybe consider meal replacement shakes as it's less effort, I have to do things like this because of chronic fatigue but really isn't that what having a baby is.. the ones that are huel are nutritionally complete. And you can buy them just in bottles you don't have to buy the shake powder.

To ease the load when it's just you and the baby maybe consider meal replacement shakes as it's less effort, I have to do things like this because of chronic fatigue but really isn't that what having a baby is.. the ones that are huel are nutritionally complete. And you can buy them just in bottles you don't have to buy the shake powder.

I did this too, although I did use the powder. Helped me a lot, especially when DS was sleeping badly overnight.

Firstly, you are foibg the absolute best that you can and doing better than you think!!

For baby maybe being upright is the most comfortable position because of the reflux. Instead of a bouncer maybe get a jumperoo or equivalent where baby can be upright ? That way the stomach contents stays where it should be. Also try a forward facing carrier, they can be used from when baby can confidently hold their head by themselves.

How you describe your 6 year old is exactly like my daughter and it is hard work. My daughter has ADHD and focusing on any task is almost impossible for her. We use a now, next and then board- they help sequence daily tasks and help children learn to order things in their minds. You can break it down into very basic steps eg put pants on, put top on etc. The child will learn the routine eventually.

Hope this helps and sending lots of good vibes.

Eldest sounds a bit like mine all skittery all distractible ...
This helps
thesensorytouch.co.uk/products/morning-routine-fan

There's an evening routine one as well.

Time to do some radical cutting back on what you have to do - can you afford a delivery of ready meals? 'Cook' are great . If not, just eat egg on toast or fish fingers and chips for a few weeks. Make a list of 5 meals that require minimal input and just have these on rotation.
What does eldest most value in terms of activity? Is it reading together, playing sylvanians? Whatever it is, prioritise doing this with them for 10-15 minutes a day and I swear they will be off your back. It amazing what a bit of concentrated quality time will do.
If the babe isn't in your bed already, that's a good way to get more sleep and they say make them generally more content as they fill up their cup of mum all night long.

Remember this will pass!

And think of the multitasking skills you're developing, it's a massive learning curve right now but you will be an amazing strong women by the end of it ! 😘

Oh op this sounds stressful. I only have a 17 month old and couldn’t imagine leaving him to cry so god knows how upset you must get!

personally I would tend to the baby over the older one and use it as an opportunity to help with her independence. Of course not with everything as there’s some things she needs help with but turn things into a game. Try and get her to do as much as possible with lots of praise and silliness that way you can still hold the little one but it’s something light hearted and silly for your older one

Where is the baby's dad op?

I was advised to do this by DD's paediatric dietician.

Thanks for all your messages they’ve been really helpful. Sometimes it’s good to just hear you’re doing the best you can.

The babies daddy is up and out at 5:30 am so isn’t around to help with the morning routine. The older one sees her dad every other weekend. The baby wants me and cries for absolutely everyone else and the older one wants me especially bath and bedtime. I have a sling already that I use in the daytime for naps otherwise she will nap 20mins max if I lay her down. But she will not be awake and in the sling.

We had her tongue tie checked the weekend and she did have one so that is now cut so hopefully does something. I’ve stopped the omeprazole as she has been vomiting her bottles. I have read that Neocate causes wind so this is bringing up her formula as well. It’s thickened with magic mix but still getting pumped out, doesn’t appear to make her cry. I figured the omeprazole won’t stop the sick and if it doesn’t bother her there isn’t much point taking it.

Ah tongue tie!! Of course. Both mine had it, first not found by hv etc I had to go private at 3 months.
Both had it snipped 3 times, if you see improvement then it goes backwards keep this in mind.
Private was not As expensive as you would think, I think it was only about £50 each time and other than that the hospital were offering weeks and weeks waiting time whereas I was desperate. I just needed done straight away. The lactation consultant I saw gave exercises and it was difficult, I won't pretend it wasn't but things did settle and calm down much better whenever the tongue ties were treated. I started being able to get some sleep and could put the baby down for a short time. Plus the pastoral support from her was really really excellent and made me feel seen and heard much as the thread would have done for you and that it wasn't just that I couldn't cope was rubbish mother etc etc. All those bad self-talk things... It was something actually up with the baby not me as I had assumed!!

If she has reflux, being laid down in her back could make it worse. Could you have her in a papoose or sling on your front or back? Or put her in a baby rocker-chair. I used to have DS2 in a papoose or work his rocking-seat with my toes while I took care of my other child.