Leaving baby to cry to tend to older child or eat or do anything and I feel so guilty.

[Cookiemonster83]

I spent most of my days just feeling so guilty and like I’m not doing a very good job at all.

baby is 3 months with milk allergy and reflux so she cries an awful lot and sleeps hardly at all.

I also have a six year old. Either I’m ignoring the six year old to tend to baby or leaving the baby to cry to tend to six year old. Baby won’t sleep in anything other then in her sling, I can’t do everything wearing her and sometimes my legs and back ache (I have anaemia). I put her in her bouncer each morning to get six year old ready and she just screams until she is sick and sweating and I end up so stressed and guilty and cry. I put her in the sling when I’m done and she falls asleep wet and hot from crying. If she is awake she wants out of the sling immediately but won’t be put in bouncer so it’s just a case of walk around until next time she sleeps.

My six year old is always sick and has spent the last week in her room coughing as she wakes the baby when in the same room.

I just feel like I can’t look after either of them properly.

@WhiskersPete yep we use white noise, she wakes the moment her bum touches down.

the only thing that she will tolerate is facing forward and walking, never stopping or standing still and doing that until next nap time

I think we must have birthed the same child reading more and more of your updates OP. DS also used to also get horribly overstimulated and overwhelmed in the bath too.

There may well be some medical stuff going on, but fundamentally I think you have a high needs baby (aka highly sensitive, orchid, ‘difficult’ baby). It’s really hard, they are really hard, but the good news is, they do calm down. I read somewhere that the cognitive development of babies like this massively outstrips all their other development, hence why they can never relax, are so frustrated and craving stimulation all the time. And why they need so much help getting to and staying to sleep. I promise you, if it is this it’ll generally go in an upwards trajectory. I’m not going to lie…DS was pretty difficult until he could walk and talk, but he generally became less difficult with each passing month and actually, we had some lovely phases after he mastered a skill. I remember months 6-8, after he could roll and sit being really good as an example. Hang on in there. As I said, within a month of being independent DS was a different child.

There is a great Facebook group for fussy, high needs babies that’s really supportive. I’ve found people who haven’t had a baby like this really just won’t understand, as the majority of babies aren’t like this, so try and find a bit of a tribe. Good luck.

Yes ! You need to shower, toilet, cook food, pot a wash on etc.

Sending you massive hugs it sounds so bloody tough. Please get your health visitor involved. I really hope you can get a break xx

Does she have eczema? Reason I ask is that it's really common in allergy babies and can make them very uncomfortable.

I had an allergy baby like this and it was awful. I wouldn't have coped with 2 so I really feel for you.

Is there any way you can have help from a second person? what about DH?

Have you tried a wrap around sling with baby on your back? this would help your back and have both hands free
And remember you are doing a great job with both of your children..i know it doesnt feel like it now but every day is a day closer to baby getting through this stage x

Hi, my DD had a milk allergy and reflux too and I know how hard it is!! Although I only had her to tend to at the time.

Have you mentioned anything to the HV or seen the GP about it? I know it’s last resort by I did end up having medication for my DD and it did help, a lot! She had infant Gaviscon prescribed by the GP for the reflux and due to this I went from BF to expressing because I found it easier adding it into a bottle rather than trying to give it by spoon. For the milk allergy I used these drops, can’t remember the name of the brand now, but basically they worked to break down the lactose in the milk, again this worked wonders! You just added a few drops 30mins before a feed if I remember correctly (this was 5 years ago!).

And lastly, you’re doing amazing, it will get better. Once LO is on solids the reflux should have disappeared completely xx

Sorry I've not read every post so apologies if something had already been covered.
I have 3 children under 5 (4, 2 and 3.5 months) so I totally get how you are feeling (I'm still living it wjth no 3). All 3 have had reflux and have struggled with wind and therefore have not wanted to be put down. Afraid I don't have a magic solution but things that I have found that helped some or all of them:

1. Check for tongue tie (no 3 recently had it snipped)
2. Cranial osteopath - they can work wonders on a baby that might be in pain due to an awkward position in the womb
3. Meticulous burping and giving infacol although it didn't agree my second born so not for every child
4. Swaddling
5. Getting hubby to hold on chest once asleep so I can go for a bath or just have some time in evening to myself

My 3.5 month old has just started allowing us to put her down at night for an hour or two but it's still a bit inconsistent.
Just to also say, you are not alone and this will pass. I know that doesn't make it any easier when you're going through it but I find myself repeating this when it's hard and it does help a little.

I have a similar situation (small baby and young primary age child) so I sympathise... my baby doesn't sound quite so high needs as yours but it's bloody hard sometimes. And it's just me most of the time...my DH is out at work all the time during the week and doesn't help much during the weekend (I'm not very happy about this but that's a subject for a different thread).

The way I see it, both the baby and my older child need to have their basic needs met. The baby needs to be clean, fed and cuddled. My older child needs their meals and snacks at reasonable times, clean clothes, packed lunch made for school, to get to school on time, to be collected from school on time, to do homework and then bathtime and bedtime at a reasonable time. When it comes to basic needs, I prioritise the baby except for school drop-off and collections, when obviously I absolutely need to be on time for the older child. So if the baby has to be left to scream so we can get out the door in time for school, that's unfortunate but that's just what has to happen. I'll feed/comfort her as soon as I've dropped my eldest off at school (I'm breastfeeding so will just find the nearest bench), but there's nothing else I can do. It's not fair to the older one for them to be regularly late for school.

I then try to engage with and meet my older child's other needs around the baby, but sometimes older DC does spend the whole afternoon watching TV or playing on their tablet because the baby is unsettled or I'm exhausted. It is what it is, things will get better when the baby has more of a routine.

I try to weave their routines together as much as possible. So the baby will have a bath at the same time as my older one (in the small baby bath beside the big bath), which seems to settle them a bit. I'll then get the baby changed and into clean clothes, then do the older one (usually while the baby is screaming). I'll then do reading and stories with my older child in our big bed with the baby cuddled up beside us and then try to move the bigger one through to their room when they get sleepy so I can concentrate on getting the baby settled. Sometimes it works but sometimes everything goes wrong and I have a tired child still awake at 9pm and a screaming baby.

Oh gosh I thought this was just me. It’s so hard and I remind myself others do it, c 100 times a day! I leave my 3 month old to cry as I’ve no choice - I need to make breakfast/ pick up toddler to pop in highchair/ wash up alllll day long. I feel awfully guilty m, but also as a bit of a sensitive person it often feels like bombs exploding in my head with the crying. And add a 2 year old who likes to throw a tantrum into the mix! The other day I calculated 80% of the day was one of them crying and screaming. And then add cluster feeding at night to the mix.

And no health problems / reflux etc

Ps I’m introducing solids at 4 months and sometimes I put headphones and loud music on!

Ps I’m introducing solids at 4 months

^ so you're proud of not following recommended guidance? Your poor baby. Do you tell people this in real life?

Go to a sling library if you can, getting a sling my reflux kid was comfy in was life-changing. Thank goodness he was my first. So when my second has been not exactly chill but not reflux aliys been much easier. That said I often dressed my eldest who was 3 while holding baby in 1 arm, bit if an escapade but also I was good with different slings having used for my eldest so I could get myself hands free as required.

It changes with time, mine are now 5 and 18 months and love each other. While there's obviously a reasonable age gap I can do things like get the Duplo out and they'll both get involved, hot wheel cars and ramps, plaudoh, poster paints and sponges on giant rolls of paper. We have great fun now the 3 of us. Despite the lack of sleep and the house being a coup.

Sending nothing but love Op. My second baby was exactly like yours (that’s why she’s my last). At 2 years old I had a complete stranger at school runs with my eldest come up and say “sorry but I just had to say I have never ever seen your kid smile!” HELPFUL.
But yeah, everyone says she was the hardest baby they’d ever met. Nothing pleased her, she didn’t sleep more than 10-15 minutes at a time, I was losing my fucking mind and regularly had to lock myself in the bathroom to just sob my heart out.
I felt constantly guilty - thank GOD for school so my eldest got a break from this nightmare.

All I’m going to say is that this high needs baby is now 11 and the most affectionate loving young woman. It was one of the most difficult times of my life but you somehow get through it. As for the guilt, it has now ceased. I tried my absolute best and my eldest doesn’t even remember those days. ;) So just hang in there, do what you gotta do to get through and one day you can write my post for someone else in similar shoes.

My second was like this; sympathies it’s v hard. Her brother was 2 so it was v tough.
I had a soft structured carrier (Rose and Rebellion) and I learnt to put her in a back carry, so my arms were free for my son. This worked for us. We were also out as much as possible - walks, park, toddler groups. I was pretty adept at getting others to hold her so I could play with him.
But it was tough and exhausting; she was a non sleeper too so I had to co sleep. I left her to cry to do my son’s bedtime story so he had 1:1 time then.
it was definitely a day at a time though, and I think I cried at least once every day until she was 6 months old.
You do whatever you have to to get through; you are doing great.

(mine are 10 and 12 now, it’s much easier now!)

Your 6 year old needs to be getting themselves dressed. If he gets distracted you sit in the same room with the baby and keep reminding him what he needs to do. The same once downstairs, he should be able to get his breakfast with nudges. It is an investment in the future, I know it’s quicker right now to do it for him but it won’t help longer term.

Could it be other allergies? I’m a mum of 4 and my daughter and son both had extra allergies soya is a common link so check the ingredients also some dairy free formula isn’t strictly dairy free I discovered this with my daughter they were both affected by soya and my son egg as well the professionals weren’t very good I had to figure this out by myself and if you know something isn’t right a mothers instinct is always right xx

My son was exactly the same, milk allergy, reflux, would only settle in his sling.
What worked for us was getting his milk, milk thickener & reflux meds right, took some trial & error.
I think if your baby is still unsettled maybe you haven't found the right combo for them yet.
What thickener are you using? My son & alot of other cmpa babies react to carobel, I switched to magic mix (ordered from France, express delivery) he got on much better with this.
Milk, again there are so many different options now, we went through a few before finding the one that worked for us (alfamino).
Also reflux meds, ds ended up on lansoprazole, within days he was a different baby.
I joined a cmpa baby group on Facebook which was very helpful back then.
To end on a positive note, things did get better, he passed the milk ladder a while ago now & is now a loveable, fun, always on the go 26 month old.

I’m on my second high needs baby and this one is much harder than the first and totally sympathise about being spread too thin. Luckily mine nap in the car and the pram though, so not as bad as for you.

I am cautious on the crying if they are getting into that kind of state and try to limit my put downs into short segments.

Do you talk to your daughter about babies being hard but it’s not forever? Lots of sympathy to her and treats to help her get through it. Hopefully you can smother her with love!

agree with a pp about talking to younger child about older child (and vice versa).

can baby face outwards in the sling yet?

I find getting out helps even though it is so tough. Really so the older child is entertained. Staying in might be a bit of a doom loop!

I do everything I can to encourage them to bond and they do love each other which makes it easier.

I remember (although it was 20+ years ago!) you could get slings that faced outwards once the baby was able to hold their head up. Might be worth a try?
Otherwise, I’d never advocate for cry it out, but sometimes you do just need to put them down and get on. I know it sounds silly, but I’d suggest talking to her.. “I’m just popping you down while I nip to the toilet,” or “you just wait here while I help your sister with her school clothes.. I know waiting’s hard, but you’ll get a cuddle once I’m done.” It’s also important for your older child to hear, as it will help her feel like you’re prioritising her needs (as I’m sure she has to wait sometimes too).

This sounds so so tough! But it will get better eventually (I know it doesn’t feel that way in the moment though). I really recommend the dancing dots video on YouTube, we put that on day and night to get a few minutes break from screaming/crying! If that doesn’t distract her I’d maybe look more into the combination of reflux treatments and see if you can make any adjustments. The video seems to distract most babies for at least a few minutes unless there’s something else going on, so could be worth a try to see what happens.

My baby had cmpa and reflux. Once we got dairy completely gone they settled down. How long have you been on the neocrate?

We had a next to me where you could raise one end which helped with reflux.

But my go to for putting DC down when I needed 10 minutes was a dummy, this joie chair thing - it was like a bouncer but it had a vibrate setting and with some tv or ipad (nursery rhymes/hey bear etc) and they'd be happy long enough for me to get dressed/have a shower etc. I was against using Tv/devices but I was about to lose my mind - it was the only thing that meant I could put DC down for a while.

It sounds like a really tough situation to handle.

@Isthisexpected

how rude! And yes, I do actually. And if baby isn’t ready I’ll hardly persist.

the guidance used to be 4 months and was changed to 6 months for reasons that you might want to educate yourself on. Link below.

You may also want to consider your tone in talking to women on this forum who are struggling with a toddler and a 3 month old - on this thread specifically for this.

www.bmj.com/content/bmj/342/7790/Analysis.full.pdf

Your baby is fine, if you leave her for a little while. In all honesty, a 6year old needs more attention than a baby.