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Need your experience / opinions re only children

64 replies

mcfee · 08/02/2008 13:36

I am nearly 36, I have a dd age 3. I am 99% sure I want to stop here and so have been passing the clothes / equipment on etc. But....do you think it is likely that last chance saloon will hit me in a few years and I'll be likely to decide I want another? Also will dd be OK as an only child?

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MamaG · 08/02/2008 13:39

All the only children I know (adult ones that is) are happy, well adjusted adults who said they didn't miss having a sibling.

When DD was born, I decided not to have any more. Iloved her so much I felt complete. Then, as she got a bit older, I looked back at my own childhood with my sister and felt that my DD would be missing out. I don't regret having my DS for a minute, I love him to bits and if I had my time again, I'd still have him BUT I'm now wavering over having No 3 as I'm 33 and DS will be going to school in September (DD is 9 this year) and I feel ab it last chance saloon!

Just re read my psot. I t doesn't help at all does it

notnowbernard · 08/02/2008 13:44

My opinion is that there are lots of 'myths' surrounding only children. Like Mamag, I know lots of happy and well-adjusted adult only-children.

Personally speaking though, I look at my dds and how well they get along and play together... it would seem a shame if they were deprived of a sibling. But then I guess if I'd stopped at DD1 I wouldn't have known that, would I?

Good luck with whatever decision you make

mcfee · 08/02/2008 13:45

So the challenge is to make her happy & well adjusted!! LOL
My thoughts are because I always thought I would never have any but then DH got me thinking that it wouldn't be so bad before plying me with a bottle of wine one night and hey presto! (Wasn't even decent stuff, would have had to call the baby Jacob if it had been a boy!) Therefore I think I should 'never say never' type thing.
Maybe we should wait for No2 and No3 until the others are old enough to babysit!!

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MamaG · 08/02/2008 13:46

mcfee i think we face that challenge, wehtehr we have one or 10 don't you!

Ah go on, pop another out

MamaG · 08/02/2008 13:48

Acutally, on a very serious note, when my Dad died 5 years ago I was very glad to have my sister with me.

I was with DH and he was fantastic, but he wasn't going through quite like I was, but my sister was IYKWIM. It helped me through it and I would have struggled for longer, i think, if I had been an only child. That was what got me thinking about having baby 2 actually

mcfee · 08/02/2008 13:48

also don't have a great relationship with my sister who is 5 years older than me and never have so don't have much experience of the 'playing nicely' thing!

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mcfee · 08/02/2008 13:49

sorry mamag our posts must have crossed over or wouldn't have been so flippant

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notnowbernard · 08/02/2008 13:50

Mcfee... my mum is loving seeing my kids together at the moment, because me and my brother DID NOT GET ON!

mcfee · 08/02/2008 13:52

HHhmmmmm can see how my mum would like that too....as long as she still babysat for two!!

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MamaG · 08/02/2008 14:14

no no, its fine! We fight like cat and dog, always have done, but were there for each other when it mattered

Anna8888 · 08/02/2008 14:17

My partner's brother died when he was in his mid-twenties. My partner's ex-wife is an only child, as is my partner's mother.

The family is very small - my stepsons have no first cousins, omnipresent grandparents etc abd my partner (and his ex-wife) have definitely suffered from lack of sibling support.

I have a big extended family that provides lots of support.

Have that other baby

mcfee · 08/02/2008 14:26

I suppose even the fact that I'm talking about it.... don't want to be changing nappies when I'm 40 though! (still pretending that I'm not nearly there!) Got a big holiday to Florida booked for April so maybe after that???? Maybe could time it to be on mat. leave when dd starts school Aug 2009. That would save packing her off to childminder / wrap around care for the first year...
Would want mamag to confirm 3rd pregnancy first though!!

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Lazycow · 08/02/2008 14:31

Ah but Anna from what you have posted on other threads about your partner's ex-wife and your partner's mother is it possible that you may have a slight prejudice against only children ?

In answer to the OP. I have ds who will be an only child and tbh that is a source of great sadness for me so it is a complicated question. I too didn't want any children but now I have ds I would like another one.

My age and fertility issues have all conspired to mean this is not now possible. I can't say whether you will regret having only one but I know I do.

Anna8888 · 08/02/2008 14:33

No prejudice Lazycow - I just observe how in families with more siblings/cousins, you can usually (obviously no guarantees) find someone to have a good heart-to-heart with and get support. Whereas if there aren't any siblings or cousins anywhere, there's no hope in hell of that

Lazycow · 08/02/2008 14:44

Oh I agree Anna - hence my sadness over ds.

Anna8888 · 08/02/2008 14:48

I'd like my daughter to have a sibling of her very own too - she's got two stepbrothers and the children are all very fond of one another, but their upbringings are going to be very different in many ways. I'd like my daughter to have someone she had a fully shared childhood with - like me and my sister.

Not sure it's going to happen, though

mcfee · 08/02/2008 14:52

The sadness which you are expressing Lazycow makes me think I wouldn't like to wake up one day and realise it was too late (and it would be all my own fault as I am vry lucky to have no fertility issues)
So maybe not this year but possibly the next. Will mean no little children playing together but unlike my sister & I maybe I can help them love & respect each other anyway

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Lazycow · 08/02/2008 15:01

I won't say 'oh I'm sure it will' Anna as I always find that very patronising but I will say I hope it does happen for you

Mcfee - I genuinely don't think the age gap matters too much. My older sister and I are close and I'm not sure what I'd have done without her when my father was ill earlier this year. She is 8 years older than me and I don't really rememember her at home much but as adults we definitely 'get' each other.

Acinonyx · 08/02/2008 18:30

I am an only child and dd is an only child for the same reasons as Lazycow - age and fertility issues. And I am very sad about that.

Wrt sibling closeness - it does seem to be a lottery though and I think you have to want a second child for its own sake rather than as a sibling for dc1.

Leslaki · 08/02/2008 18:34

My mum is an only child and it never really bothered her until now when she is on her own ahving to deal with her elderly mum. My grandpa died years ago and all the work falls onto mum. She would love to share it with a brother or sister and not have to be the one dealing with everything IYKWIM. Persoanlly I love having a brother and life is easier with my 2 now they are 4 and 5 as they play with each other on hols etc and give us more free time. they do fight and argue of course but they always have anothe child around when we go somewhere new.

Blu · 08/02/2008 18:43

I honestly think that the only reason to have another child is that you would love to have another child.

I don't think children should be born as companions to another, or to share future burdens around death or misfortune. If that happens as a beneficial sideline - fine!

Your child will be happy and well-adjusted - if you want another baby, be happy and have one, if your family feels happpy and complete don't be guilt-tripped or worry yourself with anxiety and regret.

MaureenMLove · 08/02/2008 18:45

DD is an only child and whilst its lovely for the most part, there is a little bit of me that wishes we could have had more. She well adjusted, not spoilt (I'm even more strict on her to prevent comments about spoilt only children!) and is a credit to her parents, if I do say so myself! There were times when she was younger, when it was bloody hard work to entertain her. For example, where parents can tell their kids to just 'play' for a bit, whilst you relax, you can't do that with an only child. They need company and on a wet day in January, you're all they've got.

Its also sometimes hard work, because one of the parents is 'left out', so to speak. I mean, you see a family of 4 walking down the road and mum's got one and dad's got the other. In our family both me and DH vie for pole position!

OTOH, When I've got dd time, DH is free to do his thing and vice versa!

The only thing that worries me now, is one day DH and I won't be here or will need help from our dd, as inevitably happens as you go into old age! The onus will be completely on DD to tend to our every need, without the help or support of a sibling.

I appear to be rambling now! Hopefully you can pick the bones out of what I'm saying though! DD is 12 now, btw.

catinthehat · 08/02/2008 18:49

Have you read this thread yet? Always gets wheeled out on these occasions:
In praise of only children - the great things about having just one!

LittleB · 08/02/2008 20:32

I agree with the in praise of only children thread. and Blu, I agree with you completely in thati don't think you should have another child as a companion for an existing child. Just think what will make you happy, what do you really want to do? We're stopping at 1, dd is 2.8 and we are very happy as we are no matter how many other people tell e I ought to have another (HV's included). Throughout most of my teens my sister made me very miserable, and I wished she wasnt there. we get on ok now, but not as well as i get on with my closest friends and dh. Anna you talk about needing cousins/siblings for a heart to heart, well isn't that what dps and friends are for? In my experience (my mum and my step-father for example) only children are very good at making good friends.
Just do what makes you happy.

mumzyof2 · 08/02/2008 20:49

Im an only child, and Im ok, I think.

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