Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Need your experience / opinions re only children

64 replies

mcfee · 08/02/2008 13:36

I am nearly 36, I have a dd age 3. I am 99% sure I want to stop here and so have been passing the clothes / equipment on etc. But....do you think it is likely that last chance saloon will hit me in a few years and I'll be likely to decide I want another? Also will dd be OK as an only child?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

nowwearefour · 08/02/2008 21:09

I have found having 2 children really really hard work though and i guess as a baby i have yet to witness the benefits of them playing together and of course i dont regret dd2 but sometimes i do remember fondly the times with just dd1 to worry about......

HonoriaGlossop · 08/02/2008 21:43

I have one ds and we are blissfully happy as a little family of 3. I totally second what Blu said about YOU having another child for YOU - because in life there are absolutely no guarantees.

I also believe that while siblings are important, they are not CENTRAL to a child as parents are - and I speak as someone who grew up with a sibling, very close in age, very much loved (people used to call us 'the twins' even though we're not, cos we were so close) and as adults we are still loving but live on different continents.

Of all the people I know, I don't know any who are actually CLOSER to their siblings than they are to their friends or their DH/DW.

So I think kids, as Blu said, should be born for their own sake alone and not to provide company or siblinghood.

oh and my ds seems to be thriving as an only.

blueshoes · 08/02/2008 22:18

honoriagossip: "Of all the people I know, I don't know any who are actually CLOSER to their siblings than they are to their friends or their DH/DW."

Certainly true for me. I am closest to my dh and have a few close friends. I have a great relationship with siblings but we don't live close enough to be close.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

branflake81 · 09/02/2008 07:54

My mum is an only child and so is one of my close friends and both of them always say they wish they had siblings. I did not get on with my sister as a child but now we do get on and im glad to have her.

Anna8888 · 09/02/2008 11:19

I'm definitely far, far, far closer to my sister than to any friend. And we haven't lived together under the same roof since we were university students in the holiday - and not in the same country for nearly 20 years.

And I am close to my sister in a different way to my partner. My sister and I shared formative life experiences in a way that no other human beings around us have.

And I really value that, and think it adds hugely to our understanding of our lives that we can talk about those first 20 years together.

HonoriaGlossop · 09/02/2008 14:38

maybe that's a girl thing Anna! I have a brother and the conversation does not often turn to our early years, at all

There is of course always the exeption to prove the rule and as I said in my first post, there are NO guarantees. I still believe ideally every child would be born for their OWN sake alone.

Mungarra · 09/02/2008 14:54

I'm one of 4 children and I now have 3 of my own, so no personal experience. However, I do know a few only children, who really wished they'd had a sibling. I also know people, who hate their siblings.

There is no guarantee that a child will be happier one way or the other, so I think you need to do what's best for you.

Anna8888 · 09/02/2008 15:25

Honoria - I agree, it probably is more of a girl thing - I have lots of first cousins, but the two I am closest to (one lives in Sydney, the other in London btw) are girls. And I really am pretty close to both of them - one each on the maternal and paternal sides - and we do lots of things for one another than only family can do, and talk about our childhoods, grandparents etc.

Though I have been pretty close to two of my boy first cousins - though, oddly, I was close to them when we lived in physical proximity, not so much now that we live far from one another (one in NY and one in London).

Hulababy · 09/02/2008 15:29

I have met several well adjusted and happy only children, and also one or two who are a bit odd in some way. Ditto for children with siblings.

I personally don't think siblings akes a huge amount of difference. It is down to personality.

There are as many benefits to having an only child as there to having 2, 3, 4 or more children.

Some siblings get on well, some hate each other. There is no guarantee. DH deals with many problems between siblings in her job as a probate lawyer.

Whatever you decide on will be what works. Because that is what you will make work for your family.

HonoriaGlossop · 09/02/2008 17:56

blueshoes, I've just noticed you've renamed me on this thread - 'honoriagossip'

Was it something I said?

I really LOVE that

Pitchounette · 09/02/2008 18:52

Message withdrawn

kittywise · 09/02/2008 18:57

I'm an only.
I have 6 of my own.
I think that choosing to have only one child is very unfair on the child. They should have a sibling to share things with and they should be able to share the burden of looking after aging parents.

HonoriaGlossop · 09/02/2008 19:10

i think having six children is VERY unfair on the children. They can't get the level of attention and time and input from parents.

Actually, I don't think any situation is unfair on a child unless some needs of that child are not being met. There is as much (perhaps more) possibility that individual needs and potential may not be met in a large family than a small one. It's utterly ridiculous and thoughtless to generalise like that as most thinking people can see.

Luckily it's not often that this kind of insensitive and crass remark is made, and that's because most people put more thought into the whole question.

Acinonyx · 09/02/2008 19:17

So then Kitty - should those of us who knew we would most likely only be able to have one child have had none?

I'm an only but I think that's a tad extreme. And I have noticed that many siblings don't share the care of their parents - one child often becomes the Official Career.

Acinonyx · 09/02/2008 19:17

er, Carer (but maybe both...)

HonoriaGlossop · 09/02/2008 19:21

that's what I mean about the thoughtlessness of that post Acinonyx. In reality, it often comes down on one sibling to do the caring. It's not equally shared.

And, for example, I am one of two but in fact I don't really 'share' an up-bringing with my brother. Yes we grew up together but his relationship with my parents is unique, as is mine; we experienced our up-bringing completely differently and view things completely differently. Things I loved, he hated, and things that suited me, SO did not suit him. And so on.

It's easy to think that having a sibling gives you things that it simply doesn't.

kittywise · 09/02/2008 20:00

Don't be daft.
The op asked for an opinion and I told her mine.
It is my opinion that it is unfair on a child to leave it an only child.
It is better for a child to have sibs, for many reasons.

mrsgboring · 09/02/2008 20:14

I believe that most of the myths about only children were made up in the inter- and post-war years to encourage women to breed.

Parents do their best to make the decisions that will enable them to live their lives and do their best by their child/ren. Making the decision (or having it forced upon you) to have only one is not unfair on the child; you can only do what you can do.

FWIW, my sister and I are really not very close despite (because of?) being taken for twins throughout our childhood. I don't intend to stop with just DS.

A sibling is a wonderful thing, as are grandparents, but some people can't give them to their children. The children will have other lovely people in their lives instead.

cmotdibbler · 09/02/2008 20:34

My DS will be an only, and thats what we wanted, even before the series of mcs before him.
I have a brother, but we only speak once a year, if that, and all caring for our parents is done by me. We've never been close, and I have a number of cousins, none of whom I was close to either growing up or now.

I'm sure that when it comes to the time to make hard decisions, its much worse to have a sibling doing nothing, than none at all. It does require a certain amount of thought though, to ensure that your child doesn't assume too much responsibility for you - I have a friend who is an only who has never really separated herself off from her family unit, even though she's married and has a daughter.

rachaelsara · 09/02/2008 20:50

My Mum was an only child, and now her parents have both died, she's an orphan. This makes her feel sad and a bit...argh can't think of a good word.it's wine o'clock here too, but she feels un-tethered and has no-one to refer to for her childhood.

Mum also had a hard time when her parents slowly died because she had to rely on my sis to do the planning and visits, not ideal because my sis has 3 ds's to handle.

I have two sibs, dh has 5 and we have 4 dd's. I think that sums up how I feel about singletons!

Finally (phew) my dd's are kind, thoughtful and considerate, patient people because thay HAVE to share everything. I don't think having lots of children is selfish or unfair. The benefits far outweigh the negatives.

rachaelsara · 09/02/2008 20:51

Ha Ha, my 2 elder dd's answered "are you glad to have sisters?" "No, I want to be an only child"

yama · 09/02/2008 21:08

I am one of four, my dp is an only child. He thinks my family is too loud and boisterous (we are). I am very close to my brothers and sister because we moved around a lot as kids.

I have only one child - a dd and have no plans for more. The way I see it, she has all the love she needs from a big extended family (which I didn't/don't have).

I guess you get used to what you've got. I'm not much help am I?

Original poster

mcfee · 09/02/2008 21:20

I like that thread Catinthehat!! I think I may have seen too many new babies recently (at least 6 since December) so I need to leave it for a year and then think with a clear head (after I've heard all the sleepless night, jags, weaning etc etc stories!) Still not ruling it out though which I was until recently but realising I could have a well adjusted only child. I have a 4 year old black labrador - any one else think a dog is more work than a child anyway??

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 10/02/2008 10:19

I have a friend with six children (all daughters) and I am intensely jealous of her family . The children get absolutely masses of time and attention from their parentsn who have brought them up tri-lingually, moved countries with them, are exceedingly concerned about their education, manners, upbringing. I don't know any family where the children are nicer.

My father was one of five and he has very good memories of his childhood too.

IME it is perfectly possible to have six children and give them all plenty of time and attention. Much easier to give six children time and attention if one parent is at home and has domestic help than to give one child time and attention if both parents are out working very long days (we met a tragic example of the latter last night at dinner).

juuule · 10/02/2008 10:43

With regard to the op, I don't think anyone can tell you whether last chance saloon will hit you in a few years. Even if you had another child now, if it was going to hit it probably still would. Having another child now wouldn't stop that. So I think that you have to go with what you feel comfortable with now and what you feel is best for you and your family now.

Will your dd be ok as an only child? Whyever wouldn't she be? She isn't going to be isolated from the whole world is she? She'll have opportunities to join groups, she'll go to work, she'll have friends...etc Lots of places to build relationships if that's what she wanted.

I have had a large family and they are encouraged to support each other. However, when they get older and go their own ways there are no guarantees this would include their siblings, although it's my hope they will always have a special place for each other.
I have to say, though, they are never lonely at the moment.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread