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Original poster

Struggling so fucking much

52 replies

Mammmmama · 05/02/2023 19:52

DS 13mo

never slept through the night. I am on my knees exhausted I don’t even know what I’m doing wrong

it just took an hour to get him to sleep when he was clearly tired

DH thinks we should do controlled crying. I can’t leave him to cry at all so this is hard

hes pulling to stand and standing and doing little steps but so wobbly so he’s constantly slipping and tumbling and I feel like constantly falls and I’m on edge so scared he’ll hurthimself

im so lonely and upset I am suffering majorly with a lack of sleep I was losing my patience getting him to bed and even said “why are you doing this to me” which I feel physically sick at I can’t believe I said something like that when he doesn’t even mean it

im sorru I just need to vent

OP posts:
Sucessinthenewyear · 05/02/2023 19:57

It’s exhausting.

Would you consider cosleeping? You can cuddle him to sleep in a floor in a baby proof room and then ninja roll out of the bed.

Something else to consider is 7 is a very early bedtime for a baby who is still napping. Have you tried a later bedtime?

Original poster
Mammmmama · 05/02/2023 19:58

@Sucessinthenewyear we end up co sleeping he’ll get in with us around 11/12 but stil won’t sleep through

his nap ends around 1.30/2pm (max) - normally it does only take 15 mins for him to fall asleep (I’m in room with him as he goes asleep) but tonight he wouldn’t sleep he even fought his 1 nap earlier

and he’d had a bad night too I don’t get how he’s not wxhausted

OP posts:
Sucessinthenewyear · 05/02/2023 20:16

Sometimes when they are tired they find it harder to go to sleep. Could he be teething?

He is still very young and more still babies are waking at this age than sleeping through.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Babies & sleep Children's sleep Families
Original poster
Mammmmama · 05/02/2023 20:22

@Sucessinthenewyear potentially he’s got most of the front ones and some near the back but when I try to put teething powder on he won’t let me so I can’t feel more bless :(

and really? He’s my first baby and I don’t know anyone really with babies

apaet from BIL who DH insists all his kids sleep through and never wake…. so yea that’s the only thing I’m comparing to🤦🏻‍♀️ they’re 4 and 13mo (like DS)

OP posts:
Lovetotravel123 · 05/02/2023 20:24

This was me once. I did try controlled crying. In reality it just meant sitting outside his room for 20 minutes while he cried. After 20 minutes he fell asleep and slept through most nights after that. As long as he is safe in his cot then could be worth a try?

I fully sympathise. The lack of sleep for a whole year nearly broke me.

MrsBunnyEars · 05/02/2023 20:30

I really, really would sleep train in some form. Controlled crying worked wonders for me, but plenty of people find genital options work for them.

Your DS will benefit more from a happy mummy (and a good night’s sleep himself) than any potential downside!

Reluctantadult · 05/02/2023 20:33

Controlled crying is where you pop in to check them every few mins, at increasing intervals. In my experience there's not much crying and it's very effective, and heads to a happier child because they're getting enough sleep and can get themselves to sleep more easily. I would recommend reading up on the ferber method. And making sure they're getting enough daytime sleep and going to bed early enough. So you're setting yourself up for success.

Changedmymindtoday · 05/02/2023 20:33

Routine every day and controlled crying.
my DD has always had a little cry when she falls asleep even in the car. It’s her way of fighting then submitting. She sleeps 12 hours every night since 4 months, except when sick.
If you’re on your knees that’s the only way. So you need to (and I mean this is a nice way) toughen up!

Reluctantadult · 05/02/2023 20:33

Also imo it will be harder to do this in the future when your child is older so it's kind of now or soon, or never.

User39787 · 05/02/2023 20:34

Controlled crying worked great for me and in reality only meant 15 minutes of crying and a much happier child going forward… if your husband is happy to do controlled crying I’d just leave the house for an hour. Only thing I’d say is do it when you know your child is well and happy, if they are teething etc they will be a lot more upset and it may not work.

Original poster
Mammmmama · 05/02/2023 20:36

Yea I think if we did do controlled crying I’d have to leave the house

we’ve tried a few times and I step in I can’t help myself I’m really not tough with it

DH even pointed out DS fully knows I’ll run to him whenever. If I leave the room while he’s going to bed he stands up in his cot and throws his dummy out because he knows I’ll grab it. And then he (DS) laughs when I do - it’s sweet but he does know I’ll always go to him even when he’s not crying

OP posts:
Reluctantadult · 05/02/2023 20:38

You know controlled crying is not the same as cry it out?

itsme432 · 05/02/2023 20:42

My daughter didn't sleep through the night until she was 3 years old .
Shes 9 now and still sometimes wakes up through the night.

No very useful to say but you get used to it. I tried everything and was so exhausted but had to power through, was a single mum aswell. The only thing that helped ease the sleep was co-sleeping. I even had her bed next to mine for a bit.

Have you tried that?

UWhatNow · 05/02/2023 20:42

“im so lonely and upset I am suffering majorly with a lack of sleep”

What is your husband doing to pull his weight in this situation?

JLQ1020 · 05/02/2023 20:45

Hey, I'm a FTM as well and I have a 1 year old who had never slept through the night and I've been where you are.
I rang my health visitor a few weeks ago in floods of tears. She gave me some really good advice so I would 100% recommend giving yours a call.
You are not alone. Parenting is so hard yes it's not your baby's fault. It's not your fault either exhaustion will be playing a huge part in how you are feeling.

You don't need to do controlled crying but there are gentle sleep training methods.

Please call your health visitor and don't be afraid to tell them how you struggle they will absolutely help

Fipfop · 05/02/2023 20:46

If you're thinking the controlled crying isn't for you then I can recommend a Facebook group called the beyond sleep training project. Tonnes of support and people going through the same thing as you. They might be able to look at your day and offer a few tweaks to routine that may improve things.

My little girl didn't sleep through the night until 18 months either. It's so tough. We tried some sleep training and it wasn't for us. I found knowing that others were going through the same thing reassuring that I wasn't doing anything wrong.

Skyeheather · 05/02/2023 20:48

You aren't doing anything wrong, it's actually normal. My first didn't sleep through the night until around 18 months but it would still take up to an hour to get him to settle. My second was a bit earlier, maybe 14 months and I have to stay with him until he settles, around half an hour. It does get easier, they will just get into bed and you can leave them in their room to fall asleep themselves eventually.

I take it you are working? Can you go to bed earlier? I used to stay up with DP now I just go to bed around 10 pm and leave him to it.

BertieBotts · 05/02/2023 20:54

None of mine slept through at this age. They do get there eventually and you aren't doing anthing wrong. In case it helps to hear that it can be normal :) DS1 and 2 slept through at 2.5y and DS2 is 17m and doesn't sleep through yet.

There is a very nice podcast about sleep training I could link - they basically said if it's going to work it will work quickly, there's no need to keep pushing and pushing and the whole "if you give up you've ruined everything" is total rubbish IMO - you can always try it just with really short intervals, see how you go? Some babies sleep train really easily and it's not traumatic at all. And the older they are, the easier it is to make ANY change.

Or there's pick up put down, or ssssh pat. Or disappearing chair. Or habit stacking then fading. There are loads of methods to look at changing sleep patterns if you don't like the idea of CC.

Lyndsey Hookway has some helpful sleep support when you're less inclined to crying methods, IMO. She looks at the whole pattern over 24 hours and whether that's working OK.

lookslikeabombhitit · 05/02/2023 20:57

If it's any consolation I have three and all of them have been absolute sleep arseholes. With each of them I've ended up absolutely broken between 15-22 months to the point I have been signed off work with them all at that age. They just wouldn't sodding sleep no matter what I did.

Sadly I can't give you a magic solution that will make your ds sleep. My older two started consistently sleeping through around 3-4 years old. The youngest is 3 and still gets in my bed every night.

Only suggestion I can give you is to be easy on yourself. There's a very good reason they use sleep deprivation as a torture method! It's absolutely heinous- I started hallucinating at one point with my second. Things we have done to help is loosen our standards in terms of house/cooking/being a perfect parent etc, politely nod and smile (whilst trying to control the eye twitch) at anyone who tells us about their wonderous mythical sleeping babies/toddlers, take naps whenever possible and have a rota for wake ups- so DH would respond to evening and early morning and I'd do night time and swap as required. If there's anyone you can ask for help then do it!

Original poster
Mammmmama · 05/02/2023 21:15

I don’t shame controlled crying btw it’s not CIO. I just get really anxious (I have had anxiety most of my life) and it sets me off when he’s crying and won’t stop I nearly have a panic attsck

indont know why? Like babies cry a LOT you think by now I’d be used to it. But you can imagine the newborn days the amount of panic attacks I had …

I do need to think about it and ask DH to do it and take the lead and stop me interefering. If I stay in

PS he does try to help however he’s happy to leave him for a little bit and only go if he’s really upset crying. I go in at the slightest whinge

yep made my own situation here havent i

OP posts:
Coughingqueen · 05/02/2023 21:18

My DD didn't sleep through til she was 2. I used to just go to bed at the same time as her so that I could get in my full 8 hours over the night even though if may be in 2 or 3 segments. Can you do that?

cadburyluver · 05/02/2023 21:22

Mammmmama · 05/02/2023 19:58

@Sucessinthenewyear we end up co sleeping he’ll get in with us around 11/12 but stil won’t sleep through

his nap ends around 1.30/2pm (max) - normally it does only take 15 mins for him to fall asleep (I’m in room with him as he goes asleep) but tonight he wouldn’t sleep he even fought his 1 nap earlier

and he’d had a bad night too I don’t get how he’s not wxhausted

So the issue here is maybe you end up co sleeping so isn't it meant to be one or the other ? If you end up co sleeping why put down in the cot initially?

Solidarity to you as mine is 6m and hasn't slept through. Does long stretches without a feed but wakes for dummy so I never get long stretches of sleep and I'm EXHAUSTED

But I won't co sleep it's just not for me neither is crying it out.

I do get why some people do it though

I didn't want to co sleep with my 1st and had to try it with my second but she just doesn't sleep better ! So I stopped it

She's in her own room and has been for a week
She hasn't been anymore unsettled but from last night 12-3am I think we went in over 20 times for the dummy but as I say I just can't do cio and co sleeping isn't for us

My first who is now 11 and is proof it gets better ?

But I too am exhausted I go to bed at 9 it's the only way I can get through hoping that she doesn't stir too much and I can get a through hours but it's all broken and I feel so tired

X

orangetriangle · 05/02/2023 21:24

my niece is 4 and a half and still doesnt sleep through the night regularly hardly ever really and my sister is a single parent its downright exhausing

carmenitapink · 05/02/2023 21:26

Sleep train him.

Takes 3 nights or so and baby gets a happier and better rested mum. Win all round.

cadburyluver · 05/02/2023 21:27

Mammmmama · 05/02/2023 21:15

I don’t shame controlled crying btw it’s not CIO. I just get really anxious (I have had anxiety most of my life) and it sets me off when he’s crying and won’t stop I nearly have a panic attsck

indont know why? Like babies cry a LOT you think by now I’d be used to it. But you can imagine the newborn days the amount of panic attacks I had …

I do need to think about it and ask DH to do it and take the lead and stop me interefering. If I stay in

PS he does try to help however he’s happy to leave him for a little bit and only go if he’s really upset crying. I go in at the slightest whinge

yep made my own situation here havent i

I also get this - I find hearing them cry brings back stress and anxiety for me so any form of crying I just can't handle so I just comfort when she does cry

I don't let her cry at all o always go and sometimes just a hand on the head or a hand on chest sets her back off to sleep

I did this with my first and read a book about its I'll try find it. It took longer but it worked for us

She eventually was sleeping 7-7 and now she's 14 hours if she can ! X