I don’t know how to cope and starting to dislike my child

[Raddishy]

I am unexpectedly a lone parent. The first 12 weeks were fine. I coped and had regular small breaks when she slept. Since she turned 14 weeks it’s been awful. Awake every 90 mins, not much sleep in the day. I’ve not showered since Wednesday as I can’t be sure she will stay asleep anymore.

I resent her. I love her and I’m very protective of her but I do resent her. When I’ve not slept I feel horrendous, my anxiety gets worse. My iron levels are close to needing a transfusion. I hate this. I can’t stand her waking up. I have zero practical help with her but have family support in terms of finances and have realised at a push I could put her in nursery twice a week. Would this be an horrific thing to do? The guilt is huge as I just don’t think I’d have contemplated this with a partner here to help. That makes me feel awful. She deserves so much better. I just can’t do this everyday. I hate it all so much.

I’m on maternity until August which is paid and wouldn’t want to go back sooner

I feel so trapped. I literally can’t do anything, can’t get my hair done, nothing. I am a mess.

I had a partner and found the first couple of years very tough, and you're trying to do it all on your own. Definitely put her into nursery a couple of mornings a week just to give yourself a bit of a break, it would be madness not to do it when it would probably help you to enjoy her a little more. It is really, really tough when they're small, don't sleep much and are so dependent - but you'll probably find terrible two's all the way to teens a breeze in comparison, I know I have.

No reason you can't put dc in a baby seat in the bathroom while you shower. Being in a new room will be a great distraction for her while you wash.

Get in touch with home start and see if they have a branch in your area. They have home visitors who can offer practical support. Also, let your health visitor know because they can sign post you on to organisations who can offer support to lone parents. Try gingerbread as they are the organisation for single parent households.

Yes, definitely nursery a couple of times a week if you can afford it. It will give you chance to shower & sleep if nothing else. The first year is bloody relentless & tough (obviously there are wonderful bits too, but when taken as a whole, it's a slog). It will get better.

@Choconut @BernardsarenotalwaysSaints @Eastereggsboxedupready @MissMarplesbag

also everyone keeps saying how it will only get worse (!!) when she can walk etc snd the toddler years are hell… it’s making me feel so hopeless.

I'm a single mum as well and it isn't easy. Don't start feeling guilty. You need to look after yourself as well because that allows you to be a decent mum.

Can you find a local nanny service or a good qualified childminder (better than a nursery as I found them too inflexible), who will care for your baby while giving you some breathing space ie time to sleep. A couple of half day sessions would be good.

In addition, I found that a sling helped. Baby was happier, slept more and I was able to get some exercise which cheered me up.

Do you have a play pen? You can put your baby on a play mat, in a pen, leave the door open and shower. I found that if my baby could hear me singing and chatting, he didn't get upset.

I found the toddler stage much easier. DS was an escape artist so I had to keep a close eye on him, he was walking at 7 months, but much easier to look after. He slept longer and was a cheerful toddler so it was easier to take him places without offending other people.

Getting my hair cut was the one place where I still needed help but everything else became much easier.

Personally I find it gets easier and easier the older they get with the occasional dip but it’s mostly linear progression upwards from a low base.

You have to figure out a way to meet your basic needs with her awake though. I bought a bath chair that DD used to sit in while I showered. A Tripp trap chair with a newborn seat means she can sit with you while you eat or prepare food and yes to nursery but make sure each break is a big enough chunk to let you have a proper rest,

You have to change something or you will end up in hospital.

I would do a routine and gentle sleep training for your health and sanity.

are you breast or bottle feeding?

I'm not sure about nursery. For a tiny baby to go so infrequently might be really unsettling. Are there any services that are closer to babysitting perhaps, which would still give you a break?

I used to lay DS on the bath mat with me before he started rolling too much. Then I put him in the chair. Now I put him in the play pen… Also, you can just leave the baby in the cot while you have a quick shower. I know it’s hard when they cry, but you do have to look after yourself.

Totally fine to do nursery, or could you bring a nanny in for a bit each week? Or even consider a night nanny - unless you’re bf and would need to be up anyway?

I have a partner and have really struggled so I can only imagine how difficult it is alone.

Please do not feel guilty about needing a restful night’s sleep and some time to recharge. The sleep deprivation when parenting a baby is absolutely the worst.

Although you may not be able to see light at the end of the tunnel at the moment, please know that it doesn’t stay like this forever, and baby‘s (and your ) routine will slowly change as she grows.

With time, baby will slowly be able to get into a feed, play, sleep cycle and be able to sleep slightly longer

Starting nursery would be great for baby and also for you to get much needed sleep and recharge to be best Mum possible for your baby girl

Have you taken your baby daughter to a GP/doctor to check her out health wise?

It’s not going to hurt her OP to leave her safely in her cot or chair and have a shower. If she cried the whole time she’d still be fine. You really need to prioritise your well being for her.

I know it’s hard.

You have to do what you need to do to survive. If you need to put her in daycare so that you can parent effectively then do it. Chronic sleep deprivation is like torture and your anxiety will just get worse. Personally I would recommend (if you can afford it) trying to get a nanny to come in, only because it is winter and daycare bugs are rife and your baby is still very young. You could also try and book yourself into a gym that has a crèche, just so you get an hour to yourself each day. Also there is an Instagram account called takingcarababies that has some great sleep tips.

It's his. It's not going to harm her to cry for 10 min. You can't get lax about your hygiene.

How do you unexpectedly become a single parent?

Can you go stay with family periodically? On weekends?

That's really unhelpful advice. Yes there are more challenges but lots of things get easier as the baby gets older.

I think nursery two days a week would fall under "practical help". You need a break from Mum-mode and to be able to do some self care like showering. Yes, she might miss you, but you'll be a better mum for the rest of the week when you do have her.

It does get easier. She will sleep again in the future.

Maybe a childminder, it will be slightly cheaper and baby will be able to form a close relationship with just one person. Baby won't know it's paid childcare, so from little ones point of view it will be no different to been babysat by an auntie or grandparent.

Op people that day it only gets worse just forget how hard this new born phase is trust me it DOES get easier!!!

Yes to nursery, do that as soon as you can, you are a single parent that is so tough. Babies are incredibly hard and I found the whole first year so difficult and didn't really enjoy it at all.

Remember though, they grow up and before you know it you will be with a child that takes themselves to the toilet, makes you cry with laughter and is at school from 4 years old from 9-3 and you WILL miss them.

It's just this first bit, it's so so hard, having a shower seems impossible. But you will get through it, post on here frequently to have a rant, so many helpful mums that can listen and help.

Why can't you go back to work earlier? May or June? I was desperate to go back and went back after 9 months, i probably should have gone back a bit earlier.

Google mother's help as this may be better suit your needs, they will come to your house, hold the baby, take them for a walk, do light housework etc. Someone you can talk too as well.

I agree- use a nursery or childminder. You need to be kind to yourself and the younger the baby the easier they'll settle.

Personally I'd shower when the baby is awake, stick them in a bouncer, on a towel or under a playmat in the bathroom and have a quick 5 minute shower, if they cry don't worry, you're there, you know they're safe and they can see youx

Please get in touch with your health visitor. You need some support. Even just someone to watch her while you have a bath and get stuff done. Hopefully they will be able to offer homestart but if not do you have any friends or family that could come and cuddle the baby for an hour while you get sorted? I would do that for anyone and most parents I know would. Its ok to tell your close friends that you are having a tough time. Do you think you could be a bit depressed?
If your haemoglobin is sitting around 70-80 it's no wonder you feel so terrible. Mine was 71 when I left hospital (they transfuse at 70) and I couldn't finish a sentence, I felt breathless and kept tripping on the stairs and my heart was racing. Have you got iron tablets? Are you eating and drinking properly? It's so easy to be so busy looking after the baby and not actually make sure you have a nutrition you need.

Also ignore people who say it gets worse when they are toddlers, just take one day at a time. I have 2 and both were at their absolute hardest as babies. They become so much more interesting and can actually tell you what is wrong when they are toddlers.

Loads of new parents feel like this - don’t feel bad about it, you are clearly focused on being a good parent and you are doing as well as anyone could. She will be fine.

Sort out some childcare. If you are ok financially I would contact the local nanny agency and get someone temp while you sort out a permanent solution.

You could also look at having a night carer once a week so you get one uninterrupted night.

For a young baby a childminder would be ideal, but a good nursery can work too.

Get a baby seat so you can shower.

Contact your GP to sort your iron and also talk to them about the possibility of PND - even if you don’t have that you may simply be depressed from exhaustion.

If you are breast feeding you might want to consider switching to formula, it’s more prep but it can be less tiring and be easier to get the baby into a routine/sleep routine.

Are you connected with friends? Try and get some coffees in the diary.

Also join some baby groups to get out a bit and realise you aren’t alone.

Don’t distress yourself imagining it will get worse, for the vast majority of people it gets easier.