I don’t know how to cope and starting to dislike my child

[Raddishy]

I am unexpectedly a lone parent. The first 12 weeks were fine. I coped and had regular small breaks when she slept. Since she turned 14 weeks it’s been awful. Awake every 90 mins, not much sleep in the day. I’ve not showered since Wednesday as I can’t be sure she will stay asleep anymore.

I resent her. I love her and I’m very protective of her but I do resent her. When I’ve not slept I feel horrendous, my anxiety gets worse. My iron levels are close to needing a transfusion. I hate this. I can’t stand her waking up. I have zero practical help with her but have family support in terms of finances and have realised at a push I could put her in nursery twice a week. Would this be an horrific thing to do? The guilt is huge as I just don’t think I’d have contemplated this with a partner here to help. That makes me feel awful. She deserves so much better. I just can’t do this everyday. I hate it all so much.

Firstly, you're not alone, it is normal to feel like like this and this stage will pass.
Second, paying for some childcare is a good idea. My dd was in nursery at 12 weeks. It's too young for separation anxiety and it didn't affect her negatively in any way.
Third, have you tried floradix (tescos sell it and Amazon and health food shops). It is easily absorbed iron-rich liquid from plants. My midwife recommended it and it will increase your iron levels quicker than tablets and with no side effects. Good luck 💐

It's different for everyone. I found newborn/first months hard as I just didn't know what to do with my daughter and felt like I couldn't put her down but now she's playing by herself and with me it's lovely

If you put her in nursery she'll pick up every bug going meaning you'll get sleepless nights as she'll be unwell. I'd say it's an excellent idea to start nursery a few months before you go back to work - around 6mth mark, so she can start to build the immunity she's going to need for you to work, right now it might make your problem worse.

I'd look at local childminders/nanny/babysitter. Even just someone who can come to the house. There's also night nanny's.

Also sounds like she's going through the 4month sleep regression. It's horrendous but they do come through it after a few weeks and then their sleep gets better overall. Less naps but more sleep at night.

And it absolutely doesn't get worse. It's different and toddlers can be stressful for different reasons but sleep/naps usually settle down. Being woken up every 90mins is a form of torture and that does stop. Toddlers are into everything and have tantrums - challenging but not torture.

There are babies who are 3months at our nursery, so you wouldn't be wrong to do that either - it's just 2 mornings a week for her to then come home with a cold and be unable to sleep because she's all congested and has a temperature - will likely make the overall problem worse at a time when she'd probably be overcoming this sleep transition. That's only my view though. If you have no other options - do it -because right now, you're the most important person. Without you, she doesn't stand a chance. So you do whatever you need to do to survive and get through. It's hell. I have been there. Your feelings are totally valid. You are only human. Every mother I know has wound up on their knees saying - they can't do it anymore. Go easy on yourself.

It does get better. I promise you!

Contact your local childcare college and ask if they have a student who would like to help out to gain experience. I would have been thrilled for this opportunity when I was studying. A couple of hours a day would give you some respite and them some practice with a young baby and a valuable referee for future job applications.

Wow thank you so much for the replies!!

The thing that is worrying me is that I don’t even think she’s a hard baby compared to most. She doesn’t cry unless it’s for food, she drinks well and is a healthy weight. She will sit and look round for a good twenty mins with no constant interaction from me. This is why I feel scared for the future, if I’m finding this hard how will I manage when she’s walking etc. She’s only ever slept five hours once. Every night it’s awake every 2.5, except for a 3.5 hour stint 9-12:30 but I struggle to go to bed so early.

I just don’t feel like me and hearing her fri when I’m in the showe absolutely panics me.

yes I have iron tablets but only just started them. Something sulphate they’re called.

my mum would have her for me for an hour so I could nip to shops or hair etc but I’m too scared to do that as I worry about leaving her. Also with it being only an hour strictly because of mums health, it’s not realistic to sleep.

Remember, if you have a shower and your baby is on a mat in the floor and they cry - it won't do them any harm. You will feel stressed, and it's natural to rush to them and stop them crying. Evolution has made the sound of our own baby crying unbearable (other people's babies crying never had that same anxiety-inducing feeling on me) so that we look after them. However, as long as your baby can see you, they aren't actually worried, they just really want a cuddle.

If you feel putting your baby into a nursery will help do it. You need time to work on yourself and get yourself into a more manageable place. Having a baby is hard and doing it alone is very hard ive been there, but what you’re feeling is probably down to your own anxiety, health and breakdown of your relationship. Give yourself a break, take those two days a week if you need them and focus on getting yourself better. You won’t be much good to your baby of you’re not in a good place. Really hope that hasn’t come across in a shitty way, not intended at all

The panic you describe, and the stress of leaving her with your mum sounds like symptoms of PND. I would have a chat to your HV or GP about the possibility. I was the same with my first and thought it was normal. It was only when I was relaxed with my third that I realised it wasn't.

People said this to me as well. It doesn't get worse. Yes there is still hard bits, but the first year is definitely the hardest. Is there a chance you might be depressed. Might be worth checking this out with doctor / health visitor. Definitely take them to nursery - this will help you and in turn if you feel a bit better and happier this will be beneficial to your baby as well. A win - win situation. You're doing a great job OP. Hold on in there, it most definitely WILL get easier!

Oh OP you poor thing. Having a newborn baby is far and away the hardest thing I have ever, ever done and the sleep deprivation is just hideous. I massively struggled and had feelings very similar to what you are describing, and that was with a supporting partner. All I can say is that it WILL get better and yiu won't feel like this forever, even though it feels endless right now. Don't feel any shame for seeking help, and if you think that a couple of days of nursery a week will help then absolutely do it. I've lived in the US where is is very normal for babies to start full time nursery at 6 weeks old. They survive and thrive!

To add, I found the toddler/preschool years an utter delight after the pure hell that was the first year. Honestly, just full of joy. So much so I had another two children!

I would get in the habit of doing everything while the baby is awake- cooking, shopping, cleaning, showering… she’ll be fine if you chat to her while you doing things.
A change of scenery works well, get outside with her.
Even if your mum can’t have her for long, she could hold her while you wash your hair/ have a shower, you could do that your mums.
use the time she is asleep to sleep yourself.
And use child care if you can afford it, your health is paramount . You don’t need to feel guilty about it, there is nothing that says you have to be her only carer 24/7.
Most people find toddlers easier because once they are walking it’s easier to tire them out and they sleep better, also more fun tbh.

And another thing - push for an iron infusion if you can. Once your iron is on the floor it can take a long time to recover through supplements. You can go privately but it isn't cheap (£700ish).

Firstly go to bed early. If you’re tired you’ll sleep. Mine used to go to sleep at 7 wake at 10 then be up until 6am. So I’d go to sleep at 7 too else I wouldn’t sleep.
Secondly if you need a shower get one. Leave her somewhere safe. On a playmat. In the car seat in the bathroom if you need to. It doesn’t matter if she cries. It doesn’t harm babies to cry for a few minutes. I used to leave mine on the playmat or when they were bigger in the jumperoo while I showered. You have to look after your needs as well otherwise you end up feeling like you feel now.

You don't hate your baby, youre just going through a tough time. I realised as a single parent when I couldn't cope it was when I felt stressed, when I felt unhappy I suddenly found parenting unbearable. When I was happy I felt I could cope with everything even difficult behaviour and I would nip things in the bud because my attitude was different.

Going through a break up in your relationship particularly if you just went through pregnancy and labour is tough. Perhaps your'e feeling isolated? You could try and get some support even going out and socialising may help. Do you have any friends you can go and see and talk with. Take baby with you people generally don't mind small babies. You could meet up for dinner or coffee somewhere nice.

Hard is subjective. So many things impact what people find hard - age of mother, health, support, personality etc etc. We are all different. Give me a thousand work deadlines and I think nothing of it. Give me a screaming baby and my stress levels go through the roof. I've got a colleague whose a mother earth type - give her more than 2 things to do in work and she has a meltdown.

What stresses us out is different for everyone. Some people can't bare going up a ladder, other people clean windows on skyscrapers. Do you see what I mean?

You're human. What you find difficult about motherhood is your experience.

What you wrote really resonated with me because that's exactly how I felt (I also had low iron) and I had a DH at home and family who came to stay with me regularly and I was still on my arse saying I couldn't do it - especially at the 14 week mark.

She doesn’t cry unless it’s for food, she drinks well and is a healthy weight. She will sit and look round for a good twenty mins with no constant interaction from me. This is why I feel scared for the future, if I’m finding this hard how will I manage when she’s walking etc

Don’t underestimate how much a good nights rest can make you ‘seize the day’ with your child in the future when she’s crawling, walking and active. The baby stage is often more challenging when baby is not sleeping yet for a long stretch at night and waking frequently
In time you will feel more like your old self rather than feeling guilty about being exhausted and stressed.

I was just like you, and was beside myself with tiredness and experiencing anxiety about leaving baby. It’s great that you’re doing everything to care for your baby and responding to her crying and looking after her needs. But no one can bd there 24/7. You do need to take care of yourself as well as taking care of baby.

I would have a bath or shower today while baby is awake after being fed. And as others say, it is ok if baby cries a little while while you look after your personal hygiene and get showered and changed. After you have fed and then changed, cuddled and chatted to baby, place her in her cot where she is safe and then have your shower

Lack of sleep and iron deficiency will be playing a HUGE part in your current feelings. I'm a useless wreck if I'm sleep deprived, it's horrible and you have all my sympathy.

If I'm desperate for a bath, I put my 3mo in his bouncer and keep it next to the bath - he can still see me, and most times he nods off because it's warm in the bathroom.

I'm not a single mum, and I have the utmost respect for women who are. Kids are relentless. My DP is out of the house working two jobs for 13hrs per day, whilst I'm on mat leave.

The other week, the baby was a nightmare all day, from 3am. Nothing I did for him was right, all he did was shriek, I was already in agony from an abscess on my wisdom tooth, and absolutely shattered.

The baby then whacked me in the jaw with his head, on the side with the abscess. I stuck him in his cot and sat on the toilet sobbing for 10 solid minutes. I was seriously questioning why I'd had a third child, despite the fact he was planned and very much wanted.

My point is, none of the things you're feeling are wrong. You're overwhelmed, and it's all too easy to slip into depression.

If you're in the financial position to put your DD in nursery, go for it. Preserve your sanity, and please PLEASE don't feel guilty about putting her in childcare. The benefits will be immense to both of you.

Think of how much attention she'll get in nursery, or if she had two older toddler siblings and adjust your expectations accordingly. At nursery she's not going to get every need met instantly, if you were potty training another child, baby would have to wait even if she woke up. This is all fine, you don't have traumatised younger siblings from having to wait 5 minutes, nor will she be affected by your having a shower.

It's possible you are a perfectionist, hence the anxiety, it will help so much to go to toddler groups etc and see parents who don't care so much and how their kids are fine.

Having a mum who likes you is better than having one that picked you up the second you woke and never left you awake in your cot.

Sounds so tough. On a practical level, I'd get baby a bouncer chair or one of those electric ones that rock, swing, play music etc... somewhere safe that you can put them in when you get stuff done like having a shower etc...

Put the baby into child care for two half days.
Use those times to refresh yourself; you need it.

Put the baby in a bouncer in front of Heybear while you shower. The sleep deprivation is awful. Do you have any family that can come and watch her while you sleep? There's an app called Bubble which has babysitters on that can come the next day or a PP doula xx

Just put her in bouncer while you shower. Or travel cot.

If you can afford it then a childminder would be better as you can do shorter sessions - so could perhaps do 3 days 9-3 rather than full nursery days.

Mine went to childcare at 4 months and 6 months due to work. I think to be honest it will make it easier for them to bond with different people. Don't feel guilty.

You need to shower. Leave the baby somewhere safe and go for a shower. It will do you the world of good.

Hey Raddishy hope you and baby Raddishy are doing great and you are resting in bed when she is in her little cot/bassinet, and grabbing some much needed snatches of sleep. Such a beautiful but very difficult task to care for your baby girl, and it is only natural to find it stressful and exhausting when dealing with the sleep deprivation. Don’t worry about anything but you and baby, and book in to see a GP to get support if you’re feeling overwhelmed and down- they do understand and you’re definitely not alone in hating this stage and not being able to feel your usual positive yourself. Sending you lots of hugs and love to you and your baby girl. 🌸🌸