I don’t know if I like certain things about my son…

[Sarahopkins514]

Hello,

I know I sound like a terrible person. But my son is 2 and a half and there are so many aspects of his behaviour that I just don’t like. He snatches all the time despite me having loads of conversations about it. He hits other children. He doesn’t listen. He screams until he gets his way (although I try very hard not to give in). He is deliberately loud to try and wake up babies (not mine might I add, other peoples). I’m trying so hard to correct his behaviour, redirect him, tell him why things aren’t okay, talk things through. I have even lost it and shouted, but he never listens. We go to toddler groups or activities and the other children are always listening to instructions and participating and my son just doesn’t. At swimming, all the other children (the same age) participate in the lessons and my son just ignores it all and me and messes around. I don’t know what to do, I’m so embarrassed all the time by him, other parents giving us the ‘look’ but not matter what I do it fails. I tell him we will have to leave etc and he doesn’t care.

how do I change this? Or is he just this way? When he’s like this I don’t want to do anything with him, I hate it. I feel sorry for other parents whose children get disrupted by mine who just will not listen to me or anyone else.

any suggestions? I don’t like these aspects of him. I love him to pieces but it’s just so humiliating to always be the parent of the naughty kid. I know all toddlers play up and want control etc, but this is constant, all the time. And I’m just so exhausted.

It can be a tough stage.From experience I think you have to make peace with the child you've got and accept maybe this isn't quite what you expected but you are doing your best . Also that the view you have of what kind of parent you want to be might have to shift to suit their needs and personality. How does your ADHD impact how you cope /are as a parent, is there some support around this ?

My DS was quite like this. Ditch the structured classes, don't put him in situations where you both get stressed. At this age, we did loads of outdoor activity, soft play and swimming for fun (rather than a class). We mostly avoided cafés and restaurants for the same reason.

DS is 4 now and follows instructions at swimming class and can (mostly) sit still in a café now. Things will change.

Aww I feel for you! My son was exactly like this! Theres always “one of those kids” in playgroups. With my son it was me 🙈 My DD is the opposite and very well behaved. I totally felt for the mum with the boisterous boy in playgroup when i went with DD!

Just be persistent. It took a very long time with DS until it calmed down. I couldnt relax during playgroup or playdates, always had to be ready to stop him.
DS is 8 now and its much better. Still loud and boisterous sometimes, but he doesnt hit other kids anymore.
School says because grades are very good that theres no need to assess. He loud, but not the loudest, so they just manage.

Ditto.

I remember trying out the advice to "get down on his level and look him in the eye" - I got headbutted in the face. At toddler group, in front of everyone. I said fuck a bit too loudly and my nose bled.

OP I get your pain with this, it is very wearinf being the parent of the child who never listens and never stays still etc. Just keep on being calm and consistent. How is his speech and understanding?

I read a “problem” article in a newspaper that was the teenage version of this perennial problem just yesterday.

Seriously it is just the way some children take a bit longer to get the rules and some kids may eveb need to be explicitly taught the rules because of ND etc. The trick is not to take his behaviour as a personal slight on you. Even when other adults decide his behaviour is somehow a reflection on you, don’t believe their distortions. He is just a child who needs to learn and for some kids that takes more time and patience that it does for others. You are doing great. Be kind to yourself you don’t deserve the berating it sounds challenging.

His speech is excellent. He is really advanced with his speech, full sentences of 7+ words started about 18 months.

Thanks again for all the responses, I really appreciate them all. Some great advice. Thank you.

I was trying to imagine grey rocking my 3 yos because them did something. Three unites after it they'd have no recollection of why Mom is ignoring them or understanding of it, and would need help to say sorry which I couldn't do if I Grey rocked them so actually I'd just end up with hysterical children or pens that are increasingly pulling at me and pulling at me because they need interaction from me.
Sometimes I feel like a shit mother and then some moments I realise I could be doing worse 🙄

Are people really doing day long and week long punishments for their toddler/preschoolers acting fairly typical if not ideally for their age?

2/3 yos haven't developed the empathy to understand why it isn't OK to snatch Bob's toy and make him cry. Yes it obv needs dealing with but losing a favorite toy for a week? They won't even remember why Fuzzy is AWOL within a few hours unless you're continually hounding them with reminders

You don’t change this. You love him for where he is at right now and you organise activities that suit his play and personality. The worst mistake I made with DS1 is trying to make him fit in with other children or do activities I thought he SHOULD be doing.

Directly I took the pressure off both of us and let him direct the play then we were both immediately much happier and eight years later he is wonderful, sensible, sensitive and loving.

Agree with pp who said don't waste time trying to appeal to his sense of reason, talking is useless at this age.
I find it helpful to consider the cause of the behaviour rather than the behaviour itself.
Boredom
Attention seeking
Over stimulated
Tired
Hungry
Etc
Then try to anticipate them, solving those before they arise gives him a chance to be his best self.
For instance if I know I need a cooperative child for something, I will try to give them a good dose of attention prior to the event. Do read them a story and play a game, a bit of love bombing which makes it much less likely that they'll be craving attention (and it is a real craving in one so young)
Also invest as much as you can in noticing and responding positively to good/calm behaviour when it happens, it strengthens your bond and makes your disapproval count for more when you need it to. So lots of lovely warm attention as normal means that when you give them a child disapproving look they notice more (it's like the sun goes behind a cloud).
Then if he plays up, stay calm and distract/remove/show by example (like gentle hands) are best strategies.

Sounds perfectly normal, my eldest was like this. To be honest I think most people with toddlers like this just don't go to toddler groups! With him it was so much easier to take him to the park (ideally at quiet times!) and just let him do as he pleased. I can assure you he has no problems following instructions now at 8 and is better behaved now than my other child

Yes, agree with @lemonsugarsnap , I spent as much time in the woods as we could, lots of chance to be really physical and look at everything, be nosy, roll logs over to see bugs, race the dog, paddle in the stream...
I know not everyone has access to stuff like that, but the main point is kids are really physical creatures and some even more so than others, so tons of time to let off steam helps with all this 'bad' behaviour.