I don’t know if I like certain things about my son…

[Sarahopkins514]

Hello,

I know I sound like a terrible person. But my son is 2 and a half and there are so many aspects of his behaviour that I just don’t like. He snatches all the time despite me having loads of conversations about it. He hits other children. He doesn’t listen. He screams until he gets his way (although I try very hard not to give in). He is deliberately loud to try and wake up babies (not mine might I add, other peoples). I’m trying so hard to correct his behaviour, redirect him, tell him why things aren’t okay, talk things through. I have even lost it and shouted, but he never listens. We go to toddler groups or activities and the other children are always listening to instructions and participating and my son just doesn’t. At swimming, all the other children (the same age) participate in the lessons and my son just ignores it all and me and messes around. I don’t know what to do, I’m so embarrassed all the time by him, other parents giving us the ‘look’ but not matter what I do it fails. I tell him we will have to leave etc and he doesn’t care.

how do I change this? Or is he just this way? When he’s like this I don’t want to do anything with him, I hate it. I feel sorry for other parents whose children get disrupted by mine who just will not listen to me or anyone else.

any suggestions? I don’t like these aspects of him. I love him to pieces but it’s just so humiliating to always be the parent of the naughty kid. I know all toddlers play up and want control etc, but this is constant, all the time. And I’m just so exhausted.

I’m sure he’s not the only one at toddler group who isn’t keen on being there. Perhaps another mum will be happy just for socialising their child and running around in the park rather than singing songs and building bricks. We are made to feel like we have to do this things but some are just not ready until they’re a little bit older.

Could you tell me any more about his behaviour? I have ADHD and I haven’t seen any of the standard behaviours for this or ASD that they ask for, like not concentrating for long or stimming, so I hadn’t considered it.

People tend jump to that conclusion straight away if a child doesn’t “tick the boxes”.

My DD (2 and a half) is like this, but to other people she's adorable, cute, sweet, chatty and funny. We go swimming and she's an absolute teacher's pet, doing everything perfectly, but we get back to the car and I get all the bad behaviour 😂screamed at, kicked, argued with, stamping her foot, refusing to walk. I'm exhausted this week because she's not let up once.
I just wanted to sympathise, it always looks like it's your child playing up but I think usually everyone else is just glad it's not theirs! I always feel better telling myself that if I worry people are judging.

Sounds very much like my own experience of my 2.5 year old. It’s a really tough age. Sounds like you’re doing all the right things. It WILL pay off.

I think it's typical of his age OP as many have said.
Mine is coming up to 2 and he's all of a sudden a bloody nightmare!
'Terrible twos' as much it is a cliche.. I think it's spot on 😩
We will get through this 💪🏻
You're ok the thick of it, I'm coming into it so you'll have to give me some tips once you're through it 🤣🙏🏻

In the thick of it*

Could be totally normal or could be the start of noticing the ‘gap’. My son was about 2 when we began to notice he seemed different than his peers but not yet so noticeably different that it was conclusively anything other than normal difference. The gap widened and by 4.5yo it was fairly clear he had additional needs.

At 6 he has a diagnosis of developmental language disorder with social communication issues and we’re looking at a potential ASD diagnosis.

i hear you. I felt like this with my son around this age and I felt like he would never grow out of it. I would see other children at playgroups and they never acted like this and I would get dirty looks from other parents. I hated it and cried a lot. However I promise you they grow out of it. Hold tight xx

@Sarahopkins514

Sorry, I didn't mean he has additional needs.

What I meant was that every child who does end up with a diagnosis with additional needs was once a toddler without a diagnosis who showed challenging behaviour. That challenging behaviour is something they can not control or a result of their environment especially at a young age. Whether your child has additional needs is impossible to tell at this age and that was kind of my point.

Punishing or trying to reason with a 2.5 year old is pointless, their brain isn't developed enough to understand the connection. Distraction and praise is the key at that age and ignoring other people around you if you think they are judging but also maintaining stellar supervision if he is a snatcher or a hitter.

Thank you, I appreciate this. As I said up thread, I have ADHD and I hadn’t even considered it for him. I really, really, really don’t want it for him. I don’t want him to have had the life I’ve had. It hadn’t even crossed my mind, I thought he was just being a big handful.

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time at the moment. My son drove me mad between the ages of 2.5-nearly 4. It was so hard and I was so exhausted. I don’t know what I did, I tied to slow things down and get on his level- always keep your calm. But tbh, he just naturally grew out of it by age 4. He’s a lovely boy now and I’m starting to enjoy motherhood again.

I knew someone would come in with the additional needs! Honestly, OP it all sounds very normal to me. I have had two children, one very much like they way you describe your son and one the complete opposite and not challenging in the slightest. They are all different, and you're doing everything right. Maybe focus more on praising the good behaviour. It's also very normal to not like their behaviour, and it doesn't mean you love the child any less.

Hi OP

My DD (now 10) was v. embarrassing in public as well. Older DS was an obedient toddler and it was a shock to realise that what had worked with him didn’t do a thing with her. Distraction worked a bit (ie. finding things to climb) but it often came to carrying her bodily out of places like a crocodile. At 3 y.o she got threatened with expulsion by a final written warning from nursery for not listening to a bloody word they said. Ran amok. Jumped on the staff (off tables) and hit other kids. Covered herself in paint. Basically like sharing a house with a wee gorilla in tights. Cheeky as well, to the point I used to cringe at what she’d say next. Don’t know what planet she was beamed in from, we had discipline in the home, but between two and threeish I felt like I couldn’t let her out of my sight without an incident of some sort (just remembered when she bawled out at the two’s group Santa that he wasn’t the real one).
We wondered about ADHD, and I got quite upset about nursery; then her grandad heard about what had been happening and nearly wept laughing. He too was ‘a big handful’ - his mum used to be a nervous wreck, he was in trouble every single day as a wee boy. He was told he’d end up in jail (gotta love the 1950s) However, he grew up to be a kind, responsible man — in fact, he was an early years primary teacher. Somehow him laughing helped. It all seemed so serious and I felt so judged. DS’s pal also used to scare me a bit, he was a big one for punching, shouting and disruption. This one occasion, I caught him trying to smother DS by putting a cushion on his head and sitting on it (bit awkward explaining that one to his mum). He’s now a notably mature kind boy with lots of friends. No further murder attempts as far as I know. DD is the same, she’s mainly quiet and very kind. They’re not necessarily 100% perfect pupils and do both have a bit of a will on them but that’s maybe something they’ll need in this life. They are also driven, have insane amounts of energy and benefit from a lot of exercise. Your DS sounds quite funny (shouting and waking up the babies made me laugh, am sure it’s not funny when you’re in it but it’s sort of cute when you hear about it, he’s only a walking baby himself) and as long as you’re not just letting him do whatever he likes without trying to teach him what he should be doing (and I know you’re not) try not to get too stressed. People who’ve never encountered the bonkers stuff rambunctious infants do have clearly been very lucky with their own little darlings (and led very quiet lives).

@MissMaple82

But the OP herself has ADHD. This child may or may not have additional needs but it’s always something to be mindful of if you yourself have it, surely?

It was a long time ago now but basically from around 2 onwards it was obvious he was socially different. Not following instructions, not sharing, aggressive outbursts, basically doing what he wanted and not what the "Norm" is. He met all his milestones and didn't have obvious signs like stimming etc..

That does sound hard OP and very different to my own experience with a 2 year old. He might grow up, he might have additional nerds, it might just be his personality. I think all you can do is focus on his strengths and work with him.

My son is 2.5 and is lovely now (most of the time ) still plays up a bit at his rugby lessons etc . But a few months ago he went through an awful stage . I was the same in groups all the other children seemed so much better behaved . He was pulling children's hair and mine, hitting , pushing he seemed to be worse in the childminders. But his speech has come on so much recently and ever since then he behaves so well - 95% of the time ! He has completely stopped hitting etc and is lovely to be around . Hopefully it's a stage and it will pass. I'm sure my son will go through another hard stage soon! X

OP I could have written your post. My son is 3 and god he's hard work and so rude sometimes.
Don't listen to anyone about additional needs, ADHD is actually very rare and he's just being a toddler.
It totally resonated with me when you said about doing classes and all the other kids get on with it, this is my experience too and it's so upsetting. I've left many a group crying on the way home questioning my parenting and my sons behaviour.

I have recently done a lot of reading about spirited and high needs kids and from what it sounds like these children are highly intelligent and turn into caring and thoughtful people but just like to do things their own way and work things out for themselves rather than following instructions.

Does your DS go to nursery? Mine does and everyone always says how lovely he is! Which is great but always makes me question my parenting 🙄
I swear young kids are just such hard work!

Some brilliant posts here from parents or older children. Terrible twos are certainly terrible and my heart goes out to you. I wouldn't have dreamt of doing swimming with either of mine at this age. Frequent, mad tantrums are standard at this age.

If parents are judging (which I seriously doubt if they own a toddler!) they can go to hell. It's developmentally normal and very healthy. The waking up babies thing isn't necessarily malicious either (agree with pp that it sounds cute!) Ever noticed how all toddlers go mad for the sleeping bunnies song at playgroup? They all adore the 'wake up NOW!' line!

When DS was that age, someone gave me a book by Bunmi Laditan called "Toddlers are Assholes: It's Not Your Fault", which I could really relate to.

Just keep doing your best and time will probably fix 95% of it.

Losing it sometimes is normal for everyone. Toddlers are dicks. It sounds lile you need to find some traditional church style toddler groups where he can direct his own play.

Try not to panic. My son was terrible at times between the age of 3 and 5. He is a lovely, smart, kind 14 year old now. Everyone says teenagers are the trickiest, but I definitely found the early years much harder. My kids would rarely sit still and do what they were told as toddlers, and we had quite a few public tantrums - I remember being really surprised to see other toddlers behaving impeccably at playgroups, sitting quietly to listen to the playgroup leader whilst mine ran around in circles! You will hopefully bump into other parents with similarly lively children in time, but they might be avoiding playgroups for that reason.

Bonkers that these threads always draw out the ‘my toddler didn’t behave like this therefore your toddler isn’t normal’. There is a massive spectrum of personalities and temperaments in 2.5 yo. Some are tame and compliant, some are wild and some are determined and contrary - you just don’t know what you are going to get. You sound like a great mum OP, you just need to remember that 2.5 yos aren’t the finished package. Their brains are still a massive work in progress. Keep explaining your reasoning to him, keep redirecting him, keep enforcing boundaries and keep your cool. Quick victories are great, but parenting toddlers to become ‘good’ people really is the long game. Also agree with PPs - sack off the organised activities. My DS can only just cope with them at 3 and still much prefers an unstructured stay and play. Make life easy for yourself!

At that age that are still learning to be in control of themselves.

I used to think of that phase as the robot phase. By this, I mean I needed to repeat the same thing, in the same tone, endlessly. I would not use too many words- make your message short and firm with a clear consequence.

Their brains are growing and learning- so repetition is helpful.

It is totally normal though. The other thing I picked up was this- it isn't personal. They aren't doing it to annoy you- they are doing it because of lots of reasons. Tired, overwhelmed, don't understand the social rules or just being a little so and so.

Toddlers see themselves at the centre of their universe- so if they see something they want, why shouldn't they take it? Slowly (oh so slowly) they come to understand that things work differently.