I don’t know if I like certain things about my son…

[Sarahopkins514]

Hello,

I know I sound like a terrible person. But my son is 2 and a half and there are so many aspects of his behaviour that I just don’t like. He snatches all the time despite me having loads of conversations about it. He hits other children. He doesn’t listen. He screams until he gets his way (although I try very hard not to give in). He is deliberately loud to try and wake up babies (not mine might I add, other peoples). I’m trying so hard to correct his behaviour, redirect him, tell him why things aren’t okay, talk things through. I have even lost it and shouted, but he never listens. We go to toddler groups or activities and the other children are always listening to instructions and participating and my son just doesn’t. At swimming, all the other children (the same age) participate in the lessons and my son just ignores it all and me and messes around. I don’t know what to do, I’m so embarrassed all the time by him, other parents giving us the ‘look’ but not matter what I do it fails. I tell him we will have to leave etc and he doesn’t care.

how do I change this? Or is he just this way? When he’s like this I don’t want to do anything with him, I hate it. I feel sorry for other parents whose children get disrupted by mine who just will not listen to me or anyone else.

any suggestions? I don’t like these aspects of him. I love him to pieces but it’s just so humiliating to always be the parent of the naughty kid. I know all toddlers play up and want control etc, but this is constant, all the time. And I’m just so exhausted.

I don't believe in a class of two-year-olds that yours was the only one not following instructions and messing about. Do you think you're hypersensitive to your son's behaviour?

Two year old brains don't reason that well. It's more basic. But you are right - not allowing pudding would mean nothing to a child who lives in the here and now.
Removing the child from the situation immediately if possible might help, but consistency is key. There are some good books about raising boys that may be worth looking at.

No. It’s the default response on MN to amy query about behaviour. Special needs is suggested as a reason for everything on here. Your son sounds normal, and naughty! Like many toddlers. DD has been through stages of hitting, screaming in my face, throwing things, glaring at me, saying hurtful things. I remember taking her to a dance class and another mum coming up to me at the end to say don’t worry that she was the only one misbehaving, that was her daughter a few months back 😂

Use punishments. He’s hit or kicked you? Grey rock, no attention until he says sorry and then says why he’s sorry, and the TV goes off until that happens. Snatching things around dinner time? No pudding. And so on - keep the punishments as close to the time as possible, don’t remove pudding for an incident in the morning for example. Be firm, be calm, don’t shout and stand your ground - he wants to see you rattled. He will grow out of it, he’s testing the boundaries because he knows there aren’t any really.

@ShoesIBoughtYouAsAPresent what's your son like now ?

I'm only asking as your post resonated so much with me.

He's (mostly!) great. In mainstream school (has been all along) and in the top stream. Has very strong interests but they aren't "out there", just stronger than most young secondary kids interests are. Keeps himself to himself most of the time. Sensory issues are more apparent now than at 2. Likes routine and being at home. The only area that's still tricky is that he doesn't have any friends, but other kids at school are friendly to him, he just isn't bothered as he would rather think his own thoughts or read a book than socialise. Hope that helps 🙂

Ds1 was a flipping nightmare at 2. Didn't listen, "no no no" was his response to every single thing (even things he liked!!! I couldn't win!), screaming tantrums...honestly there was no way in hell I'd have taken him to a swimming lesson, it was bad enough trying to take him to the park or out for an ice cream. He's 5 now and a lovely little boy, well behaved and good as gold. I can take him anywhere and there are no issues. Ds2 was a dream at 2. Hardly any tantrums, good as gold, super easygoing. Turns out he has additional needs, that are now undergoing assessment, and pretty severe developmental delays. In my experiece, tantrums and stropping are very normal for a 2yo and, unless there are other things flagging up, you just need to ride it out!

I should add he does talk to other kids at school! Works fine on group work etc. Just doesn't see anyone socially at weekends etc.

someone seriously posted OP should ‘grey rock’ a 2yr old child. A specific technique used for minimal contact with abusers should absolutely not be used on a child. Obviously.

And positive praise. What does he do well? Do you praise him, clearly. Well done for ( and the action), especially one you want to change, catching it when it happens.

Children will take negative attention, if it is better than no attention. Sounds like you have a quite typical spiral of negativity, which just needs turning around.

Try the positive and unless unsafe, ignore the negative behaviours. You might need to rethink some activities to allow him to show the good!

@ThePear

I know. What a ridiculous suggestion. You can ignore a tantrum to a certain degree but you do not grey rock (I.e show zero emotion on your face) to a 2 year old who will be looking at your facial expressions to mirror them/learn about the world.

He's TWO

(Not that I thought OP would, just did a double take like ‘did I seriously just read those words?!’
anyway, he sounds like a standard 2yr old, OP, keep on muddling through.)

I didn't like my 2.5 year old either if that helps lol. Loved him to bits and his cuteness definitely went in his favour but the snatching, hitting, meltdowns etc were horrific and your ds's behaviour does seem pretty normal for that age tbh. It's frustrating and overwhelming while you are going through it but it is called the terrible two's for a reason and heads up, it lasts beyond two years old 😩 BUT it does get better! Unless your ds has additional needs, he will soon learn to regulate his behaviour, happened around age 4 for mine. Clear and age appropriate consequences will help, and be consistent with it even if it seems like it's making the situation worse and feels easier to just give in to his demands

He sounds fairly normal for a two year old boy - at this age you need to calmly and consistently say the same things over, and over, and over again like a broken record. He will learn but it will take time. Don't get too involved in long explanations though, keep it short and simple.

You need to stop trying hard not to give in - and actually not give in though. Giving in sometimes is just the same as always giving in - he knows there's a chance so he will keep screaming.

Instead of taking him to anything structured that he is just not ready for just yet, take him places where he can let of steam - playground, soft play, the woods etc Then have fun with him, be silly, jump in puddles, run through leaves, pretend you're going on a bear hunt. Watch and see what he likes doing and then join in with him. Have fun!

He’s the first two year old I’ve ever spent time with. I’ve never interacted with one before, it’s all so new to me as a first time parent. And I’m on my own with no family around to guide me - I’m trying my best but it’s an alien world.

Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who has taken the time to write out a response. I have read them all and I really appreciate all your words. Taking on board all your suggestions and will keep working at this parenting business and try to do my best by him - and relax a little more at the structured stuff and the comparisons with other kids. Thank you. X

@ShoesIBoughtYouAsAPresent
That's good to hear his behaviour improved. unfortunately mine didn't even as an adult.

My ds was really hard work at that age and until around 4 (sorry).
He's a teen now and is absolutely lovely.
Two things which helped me were to discuss with him on the way somewhere how I wanted him to behave and to occasionally think back a few months to realise that he was gradually getting better, it's a long game and it's only when you cast your mind back that you realise it is improving.

What?? He's 2.5.

Sorry I wasn't helpful. But most two year olds are pretty awful. If you haven't been cringing outside out with shame at your kid's behaviour at least once, you don't have a normal two year old.

Consistent boundaries and building a steely strong exterior are key. But it's such a short time. And before you know it, he'll be onto the next stage.

You and he will do just fine

I feel you OP.

Yesterday when my just turned 3 yo was lying on the floor outside a shop screaming a nice man walked past and told me "we've all been there" and today a guy yelled out of a, car window at me "it doesn't last forever". That's mostly when people are thinking. Along with tba l God mine are older now or thank god I didn't have them etc.

Sounds like you deserve breaks so that you can regularly recharge and feel better able to deal with his behaviour. Who can help? Can he go to nursery for a day a week?

To me, this discipline is missing the ‘teeth’. He knows he shouldn’t do X. He knows why. But he continues to do it anyway because it’s in his interests to do so.

After you remind him what not to do, and why, you need to also say “and because you did X now we are [having no tv today / putting that toy away for a week / ending the playdate and going home / you must play by yourself as I do not want to play with you when you are unkind]. Be careful what you choose as there’s no point in eg insisting on leaving the park if he was a bit bored of the park and enjoying the power of making you leave a mum chat with friends. And be aware that “say sorry” is not discipline and does not work.

You need him to link the bad behaviour with an immediate consequence for him that he didn’t like. If this doesn’t happen the behaviour will continue (unless he has special needs which he may do, I used to know a toddler like this and he’s now diagnosed with adhd).

I’d add OP there was no real discipline for my DS at that age. His speech was a little behind and he just didn’t understand and got too worked up to listen to reason. I just stayed calm and rode it out.

I obviously didn’t reward him but by and large timeouts etc came later (I find those useful now). He’s nearly 4 and I (mostly) enjoy his company. When he was 2.5 I left everywhere with him hooked under my arm kicking and screaming. When his speech improved and caught up with his peers it made SUCH a difference.

My second is much, much calmer but I am noticing the beginnings of tantrums etc. wish me luck!

OP, DS1 was a bit like this. He's a very determined and independent person by nature. Great adult personality traits can be unbearable in a toddler.

Have you tried advance chats with him. e.g. casually before swimmimg say - sometimes at swimmimg you XYZ and it gets you into trouble. Why do you think that is? Then, what could you do instead? Agree nice behaviour with a reward afterwards e.g. ice cream. Maybe agree a secret sign too e.g. both touching your noses. Then when he messes around, just touch your nose and ask 'ice cream?' See what happens.