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Original poster

Pedophilia allegations against co parent

56 replies

nellytryer · 30/01/2023 19:04

I have 2 children with my ex, two little boys. We are currently co parenting and he has them overnight on the weekends. A woman messaged me on social media making a historic sexual abuse allegation against my ex stating he groomed her online and sexually abused her when she was in her young teens. She said she would let me know as she knows I have children with him. She said he wasn’t convicted because she didn’t want to go to court however she reported it to the police and said I can ask them myself to see it’s on his record. What shall I do from here? Do I have rights to ask police for info on my ex because he has regular access to our children? Is it okay to continue co parenting? I don’t think he’s of any risk to the kids, they are boys and he has a good relationship with them. If it’s on record, it clearly hasn’t been proven or convicted (he has a job that requires a clean dbs), so how do I even know if it’s true? What do I do with this info?

OP posts:
ConfusedNT · 30/01/2023 19:07

You can go to the police under Clare's law and they will disclose whether they think your partner could be a risk based on any information they have

Original poster
nellytryer · 30/01/2023 19:08

ConfusedNT · 30/01/2023 19:07

You can go to the police under Clare's law and they will disclose whether they think your partner could be a risk based on any information they have

Clare’s law is about domestic violence and I believe it’s only for partners. He’s my ex, we’re no longer together, they won’t disclose anything that way

OP posts:
Showersugar · 30/01/2023 19:09

PP meant Sarah's Law. You can also contact social services who will guide you on what to do.

demotedreally · 30/01/2023 19:10

There is another one - Sarah's law I think.

Ravageur · 30/01/2023 19:11

boys get assaulted as well op

Original poster
nellytryer · 30/01/2023 19:11

Okay I’ll go via Sarah’s law route. Surely they can’t stop contact if nothing was proven? Wouldn’t want boys to lose contact with father who poses no risk to them

OP posts:
HairyKitty · 30/01/2023 19:13

The police can’t/won’t stop contact anyway, that would be up to you I imagine.

Alaldlccmemsjzja · 30/01/2023 19:14

I wouldn’t want my kids having contact with a suspected paedophile but you do you

Original poster
nellytryer · 30/01/2023 19:15

Alaldlccmemsjzja · 30/01/2023 19:14

I wouldn’t want my kids having contact with a suspected paedophile but you do you

He’s their father and they adore him. This claim is unexpected

OP posts:
Cileymyrus · 30/01/2023 19:20

HairyKitty · 30/01/2023 19:13

The police can’t/won’t stop contact anyway, that would be up to you I imagine.

It’s not the police’s decision to stop contact or not if if there is reason for concern they will refer to social services who will work with o/p to ensure her kids are safe.

that could be anything from supervised access to no access at all, and if o/p won’t comply then yes, they absolutely can stop contact.

Crunchingleaf · 30/01/2023 19:21

nellytryer · 30/01/2023 19:15

He’s their father and they adore him. This claim is unexpected

Show quote history

I understand this is a bolt out of the blue. However, if there is any possibility that it’s true it’s probably better that you start distancing the boys from him. What if there are more cases and he does get charged. How will your boys feel then? You need to look at the potential future fallout and not just the here and now.

Roundandnour · 30/01/2023 19:31

Paedophiles come across as nice and caring. It’s how they groom their victims.
An abuser who knows the victim is a real issue, and the abuser relies on that trust/relationship to stay quiet.

I couldn’t leave my children alone with someone who has had a claim made against them. I could never forgive myself if anything happened. I would be having honest, open chats with my children about body autonomy, no means no, and that they can always talk to me about anything. I wouldn’t ask any leading questions. I would do everything I could do they know what healthy interactions are with other people.

Alaldlccmemsjzja · 30/01/2023 19:35

nellytryer · 30/01/2023 19:15

He’s their father and they adore him. This claim is unexpected

Show quote history

“Unexpected” is such a strange word to use

worrying, scary, concerning etc but no… unexpected

wtf

im out

LittleLegoWoman · 30/01/2023 19:41

Sarah’s law OP. Then ask SS for advice.

TeeBee · 30/01/2023 19:49

OP, your mindset is very disturbing. What makes you think that because he has sexually assaulted girls that he won't sexually assault boys? My abusive stepfather did both sexes. Sexual abuse is about power, not attraction. You need to start taking this seriously before the children get removed from you.

ConfusedNT · 30/01/2023 19:51

Showersugar · 30/01/2023 19:09

PP meant Sarah's Law. You can also contact social services who will guide you on what to do.

My bad you are totally right Sarah's law!

TeamHerbivore · 30/01/2023 19:52

Alaldlccmemsjzja · 30/01/2023 19:35

“Unexpected” is such a strange word to use

worrying, scary, concerning etc but no… unexpected

wtf

im out

Show quote history

This.

Your reaction is odd OP. Quite disturbing actually.

NannyGythaOgg · 30/01/2023 19:54

I don't think the offense would be disclosed by the police if he wasn't charged. If he was charged but it was dropped that is a bit different. In the case of Ian Huntley. His offenses were not disclosed because he had never been convicted, although if I remember rightly, he did have cautions. It was as a result of this that the scheme was overhauled and 'some' non convictions were recorded.

As a further thought. Although it isn't different legally, my own feelings in your situation would also be affected by the age difference at the time of the claim. Whilst it is no less wrong if he was early 20s and her a young teenager, risk to his own young boys is lower than if her were middle aged at the time.

I also think, as a young teenager 'dropping the charges' would not have been her decision as, if there was evidence, the police would (should) follow it up anyway. Although I do know this cannot be guaranteed.

I do think you need to find out more if you possibly can though and, as others have said, refer to SS and/or NSPCC and seek their advice

Wonnle · 30/01/2023 19:56

So he wasn't charged or convicted of this and he has a clean DBS for his job , now let me think ..........

Text from random woman accusing him out of the blue

PleaseCleanTheWholeToilet · 30/01/2023 19:56

How young was the girl?

I think talk to him, see what he says,
Then either way, Sarah’s law and then potentially SS for advice

Chowtime · 30/01/2023 19:56

yeah, i was about to ask about both their ages at the time of the alledged offence.

ConfusedNT · 30/01/2023 19:56

nellytryer · 30/01/2023 19:11

Okay I’ll go via Sarah’s law route. Surely they can’t stop contact if nothing was proven? Wouldn’t want boys to lose contact with father who poses no risk to them

What do you want then? Because if you don't want to stop contact then why do you want to know? This feels pointless unless it's taken seriously

amiold · 30/01/2023 19:56

He wasn't charged and she didn't go to court. What if she didn't go because she was making it up? She could be the local nutter. A strange ex.

Are you 100% shocked or are you on the fence that he done it?

Pseudonamed · 30/01/2023 19:58

I never believe in no smoke without fire. Check Sarahs law first then ask him face to face. If he has nothing to hide you will know. I would not take any chance with my kids.

EldersOfTheInternet · 30/01/2023 19:59

TeeBee · 30/01/2023 19:49

OP, your mindset is very disturbing. What makes you think that because he has sexually assaulted girls that he won't sexually assault boys? My abusive stepfather did both sexes. Sexual abuse is about power, not attraction. You need to start taking this seriously before the children get removed from you.

Such a weird thing to say that he's no risk to your children because they're boys. Christ.

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