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Original poster

Pedophilia allegations against co parent

56 replies

nellytryer · 30/01/2023 19:04

I have 2 children with my ex, two little boys. We are currently co parenting and he has them overnight on the weekends. A woman messaged me on social media making a historic sexual abuse allegation against my ex stating he groomed her online and sexually abused her when she was in her young teens. She said she would let me know as she knows I have children with him. She said he wasn’t convicted because she didn’t want to go to court however she reported it to the police and said I can ask them myself to see it’s on his record. What shall I do from here? Do I have rights to ask police for info on my ex because he has regular access to our children? Is it okay to continue co parenting? I don’t think he’s of any risk to the kids, they are boys and he has a good relationship with them. If it’s on record, it clearly hasn’t been proven or convicted (he has a job that requires a clean dbs), so how do I even know if it’s true? What do I do with this info?

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 30/01/2023 19:59

Have you spoken to ex about the message? His response will tell you everything imo.
And just because he is a good df doesn't mean they aren't at risk.

Wonnle · 30/01/2023 20:00

Typical MN the bloke is charged and convicted already in your eyes isn't he !

EldersOfTheInternet · 30/01/2023 20:01

TeeBee · 30/01/2023 19:49

OP, your mindset is very disturbing. What makes you think that because he has sexually assaulted girls that he won't sexually assault boys? My abusive stepfather did both sexes. Sexual abuse is about power, not attraction. You need to start taking this seriously before the children get removed from you.

This
Such a weird thing to say that he's no risk to your children because they're boys. Christ.

Wonnle · 30/01/2023 20:01

Ever thought the random woman may be lying about it ?

Wasywasydoodah · 30/01/2023 20:02

Hi OP. Actually your reaction is perfectly normal - disbelief and worry about what it all means. Definitely do the Sarah’s law application. You can call 101 and make a request on the phone at any time. If there’s something on his record that is a worry for the police then they will make an appointment to come and tell you.

Can I recommend calling the NSPCC helpline? You can have a confidential chat with them about the allegation and what it might mean for your children. You don’t have to give them your kids names so it’s not like ringing social services. They won’t judge you, they’ve spoken to loads of women in your position.

You should take this seriously, though. Imagine if he has done this, and continues to do it. Some abusers will only target one sex but others will target both. He might have all sorts of images and videos on his computer/ipad/phone. He might have to go to prison one day. He might target your children’s friends. If you ask him, he will deny it and be very plausible, but that means nothing I’m afraid, because this is how abusers get away with it for so long: plausibility, likeability, etc. Good luck.

Cileymyrus · 30/01/2023 20:02

I don't think the offense would be disclosed by the police if he wasn't charged. If he was charged but it was dropped that is a bit different. In the case of Ian Huntley. His offenses were not disclosed because he had never been convicted, although if I remember rightly, he did have cautions. It was as a result of this that the scheme was overhauled and 'some' non convictions were recorded

not correct.

”disclosure” under Sarah’s or Claire’s law does not meant they dump a file of reports and allegations. Trained officers will outline the risks “he is a risk to you/your children/girls/boys” etc. if he has seven convictions for theft that will not be disclosed because it isn’t a risk to a child. If there are several allegations of distributing images you will be told not to allow unsupervised access. You will also be referred to social services. The includes any intelligence etc, not just convictions or charges.

ian Huntley’s prior offences were not discovered because they did not occur on the force he was employed by in Cambs. At the time each forces computer records were entirely separate, so if you committed an offence in london chances are Northumbria wouldn’t find out if you went for a job there. Nothing to do with not being convicted. Post Huntley a national database was developed so each force has access to national records. So the met can run Sarah’s law and and a record for Glasgow will show up immediately. Huntley’s didn’t because no such national database existed then.

Coffeecoffeeinmytummy · 30/01/2023 20:04

We need to know their ages at the time. If she was 14 and he was 16 it really isn’t the same as a 30 something year old guy and. 14 year old. There are people who would say that yes it is the same, but in my eyes it really isn’t. He may still have done things he shouldn’t like trying to persuade her to do things she didn’t want to do, and that would be a separate concern. But you need to know the ages if you’re going to actually accuse him of being a pedophile.

Justalittlebitduckling · 30/01/2023 20:06

I think you are perhaps in denial about how serious this is, and the fact that you used to be with this man, and the potential implications for your children. Understandably it’s a big shock but you need to consider the possibility that this woman is telling the truth and that your children are in danger.

Predators abuse within their own families and it absolutely ruins lives.

Wasywasydoodah · 30/01/2023 20:07

Coffeecoffeeinmytummy · 30/01/2023 20:04

We need to know their ages at the time. If she was 14 and he was 16 it really isn’t the same as a 30 something year old guy and. 14 year old. There are people who would say that yes it is the same, but in my eyes it really isn’t. He may still have done things he shouldn’t like trying to persuade her to do things she didn’t want to do, and that would be a separate concern. But you need to know the ages if you’re going to actually accuse him of being a pedophile.

This is dangerous advice. Leave the risk assessments to the professionals.

Chowtime · 30/01/2023 20:08

Wasywasydoodah · 30/01/2023 20:07

This is dangerous advice. Leave the risk assessments to the professionals.

Show quote history

I totally agree with @Coffeecoffeeinmytummy here.

LakeTiticaca · 30/01/2023 20:10

Have you actually asked your ex about the allegations?

IneedanewTV · 30/01/2023 20:14

It may not be true. Women can and do make up things.

even with Sarah’s law I can’t imagine the police will just tell you.

ask him. Reply to the text.

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 30/01/2023 20:21

Slightly worried about how quickly everyone is to assume the worst of the dad.

literally anyone with a vendetta could have messaged the OP. No judge or jury. Just everyone telling OP to keep her kids away from their dad

JessesMum777888 · 30/01/2023 20:25

It’s on your head if something happens and you don’t look into this properly.
sorry but your argument they will be ok because they are boys is just weird.

Wonnle · 30/01/2023 20:25

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 30/01/2023 20:21

Slightly worried about how quickly everyone is to assume the worst of the dad.

literally anyone with a vendetta could have messaged the OP. No judge or jury. Just everyone telling OP to keep her kids away from their dad

Typical of nearly everyone on here innit !

Random message accuses him of something so he must have done it

Minimalme · 30/01/2023 20:27

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 30/01/2023 20:21

Slightly worried about how quickly everyone is to assume the worst of the dad.

literally anyone with a vendetta could have messaged the OP. No judge or jury. Just everyone telling OP to keep her kids away from their dad

You are being dramatic. Posters are very sensibly encouraging op to find out what information she can, so an informed choice can be made.

Nobody knows anything atm, including op.

Reinventinganna · 30/01/2023 20:32

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 30/01/2023 20:21

Slightly worried about how quickly everyone is to assume the worst of the dad.

literally anyone with a vendetta could have messaged the OP. No judge or jury. Just everyone telling OP to keep her kids away from their dad

Surely your first thought would be to protect your children by finding out though?

Cileymyrus · 30/01/2023 20:45

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 30/01/2023 20:21

Slightly worried about how quickly everyone is to assume the worst of the dad.

literally anyone with a vendetta could have messaged the OP. No judge or jury. Just everyone telling OP to keep her kids away from their dad

I don’t see anyone assuming the worst or saying he must have done it?

just that the o/p should safeguard her children by utilising Sarah’s law to get professional advice on whether he is safe around her children.

ttcat37 · 30/01/2023 20:46

What does your ex say?

You need to find out if the allegations are true. If they are, I think it would be dangerous and extremely bad parenting for you to let your children see him.

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 30/01/2023 21:18

IneedanewTV · 30/01/2023 20:14

It may not be true. Women can and do make up things.

even with Sarah’s law I can’t imagine the police will just tell you.

ask him. Reply to the text.

As others have said, the police should tell you what the risk is. The Police have access (as others have said) to a national database. It's possible she is lying, in which case the police would presumably let OP know.

However, it's also possible that there have been multiple accusations made against him which have never been pursued. If this was the case, the police would not tell OP all the details, but they would advise her as to whether they think he could be a risk to his own children or others.

OP, as a point, even if you believe he would never abuse his own children, what about play dates/birthday parties etc. Does he ever host/attend these? A hypothetical groomer could use these to groom children other than his own. I think you have some responsibility to the wider community here too.

maddiemookins16mum · 30/01/2023 21:35

The Op is probably in total shock after getting a message. It’s not the time to pull the wording of her post apart.

SD1978 · 30/01/2023 21:48

How old was she and he at the time of the allegation? Are we talking about a 15 yr old girl and a 16 yr old boy, or a 12 yr old and a 20 yr old? I appreciate that it's difficult to hear this from her, and understand you're concerned, but I'd also be requesting/ finding out more information to decide what I felt was best long term.

SD1978 · 30/01/2023 21:50

And not victim shaming, by any means. But I would want more information to be able to work out my next step

rampila · 30/01/2023 21:58

How upsetting for you OP. Do the research and find it all out. But also think about whether you want to talk to him about what has happened. Things may be as they seem. They may also not be. He could have been a 30 year old grooming a 14 year old. She could have been a 14 year old pretending to be older and he could have been 16.... neither is legally right but you can see how they are different. I hope you find the truth and stay safe with your boys.

rampila · 30/01/2023 22:00

maddiemookins16mum · 30/01/2023 21:35

The Op is probably in total shock after getting a message. It’s not the time to pull the wording of her post apart.

Yes, this. OP, I know why you're asking Mumsnet. Maybe is there someone IRL you could ask to support you through this? Maybe they can help you read the messages and filter out the nonsense.