DP snores - separate bedrooms - how can he help with newborn?

[LuckyEarthDragon]

Hi everyone,

Looking for all your best tips and advice :)

Im expecting first baby soon and right now I wear ear plugs every night because DP snores so loudly! He’s tried a few solutions to reduce it and I know feels really bad about it, but it is what it is for now.

With pregnancy insomnia making that harder to handle I’m planning to move into the spare bedroom as I know once baby arrives I won’t be wearing ear plugs anyway.

But my question is - how - if at all - can DP help with the night shifts if me and baby are in a whole separate bedroom? Presumably he’ll be totally oblivious to when we’re awake / feeding / asleep, and I’m hoping to breast feed so there’s that too. Is it a question of resigning myself to doing everything myself for the first few weeks / months? I feel like if we were in the same bedroom at least he could wake up to change nappies, put baby back down to sleep, bring snacks or water etc. How did your DP help you?

And assuming I’ll need the ear plugs back to get a good night of sleep when we share a bedroom again - how long realistically are we going to be in separate rooms? As I don’t love that setup and would like to be back together when possible. I’m wondering if once baby gets to a certain age I’d feel comfortable wearing ear plugs and just letting DP settle baby if he wakes up in the night? But appreciate I’m totally ignorant yet about how mum instinct kicks in after birth and so that might be super unrealistic :)

Thanks for any experience and wisdom you can share.

Has he spoken to his GP about sleep apnea or possible treatments for his snoring?

Why do you both need to do nights? One tired and one not tired is far better ime

Well he needs to get his snoring sorted then doesn’t he?

I breastfed too and in the early days my DH would take the baby in the evening so I could get some sleep and then we’d swop over and I’d do the night shift with her in the Moses basket in the sitting room and me on the couch. When she got a little older and had stopped cluster feeding, I moved her into our room. When she woke my DH used to take her and change her nappy and then would bring her back in and I would take her to feed if she needed to. Otherwise he settled her again.

Now she’s older again and weaning, I still get up at night when she wakes to feed and then he gets her up in the morning, gives her her breakfast and let’s me catch up on my sleep.

It works well for us. I wouldn’t have wanted to fo it on my own.

Thanks GreenFingers. No he’s not done so yet but says he is planning to. He uses nose strips which help a lot but even gentle snoring keeps me awake through the ear plugs. We just moved house and he needs to re register at the local GP but I’ll nag him tomorrow.

Theos, I don’t know these things yet as baby hasn’t been born but I assume mum and dad sharing the load is a good thing, and having just one partner totally sleep deprived 100% of the time whilst the other sleeps through every night isn’t necessarily ideal because it means the sleep deprived partner is a bit useless at doing anything else?

I would suggest that you handle nights but he deals with daytime, enough for you to catch up on sleep.

So, assuming he works, when he gets home he takes the baby and you go to bed for however long you need, then when he goes to bed he hands baby back to you.

Obviously this means you won't spend much time together at first but at least you'll be well rested and it's only for the first few months (a lot of babies sleep through around 3 months old, and even if they don't, they still won't wake up as often).

That's what I'd do anyway, but you need to decide if you'd be happy with this setting.

In the long run, ideally your DP should see GP about possible solutions for his snoring - maybe there's some kind of therapy or minor surgery he could do to fix the snoring.

Thanks Pollywoddles and Jadviga, really helpful to hear the setups that worked for you :)

I'd do something like have him stay up 9-12 with the baby in moses basket in another room while you sleep. Then when either baby next wakes after 12 (or can't settle with him) he brings the basket to you for the night and he goes to bed elsewhere, returning at 6 am for the getting up shift. 6 solid hours for him, plus a decent chunk early in the eve combined with a lie in for you. Obviously the times might need to be tailored to suit your baby, but in many ways its ideal to sleep separately as you can each maximize on sleep when it's your turn.

Thanks Pirrin, that’s really helpful.

Worst case scenario there’s no solution to his snoring bar something drastic like surgery (which he’s suggested in the past and I’m not a huge fan of) at what point with young kids are ear plugs back on the cards from a mum / instinct perspective?

I can see this is your first.
This isn't something you can plan for in advance as it entirely depends on your baby. Your baby might sleep through the night at 3 months, it might be three years. You might put ear plugs back in after a few months and be ready to move back in but then find your body is so alert to crying that it no longer blocks out the snoring. You may no longer give a shit about sharing a bed with your partner and instead resent that you're stuck in the spare room while he's snoring away giving nothing more than lip service about his problem.

Why are you going to the spare room and not him?
Why isn't he taking the impact on you seriously enough to go to the doctor?
Why are you describing asking again as 'nagging'?

If you’re in separate rooms just take it in turns to have baby in with you, when it’s your night just have a basket of snacks and a bottle of water ready and a good insulated travel mug filled with tea or whatever if you want to be able to have a hot drink. On his nights he changes the baby and brings them through to you for a breast feed then takes them back through and settles them. Babies will sleep through snoring much easier than adults will in my experience. Or as other PP’s have suggested depending on when baby feeds you go up early to get a few hours sleep he keeps baby downstairs til feed time brings baby up to you then he goes to bed himself and you get to go back to sleep after feeding. Weekends 1 morning you get up with baby and he has a lie in other weekend morning he gets up with baby, even if he has to come and get baby from your room, and you have a lie in. Tag teaming is the way to survive.

We slept in the same room and bottlefed but still had a good routine that would work. I would go to bed early and dh would have baby until midnight downstairs then I would do the 3am feed while he slept and then at weekends he would take baby from when baby woke at 5-6am and take him downstairs so I could rest for an hour or two. However to really split it like that to give you a break you would really need to express or consider some formula so wouldn’t work in the early days while trying to establish breastfeeding. However he could help making sure everything is set up for you for bedtime. Make sure you have a large jug/bottle of water by your bed and some sort of snack incase you get hungry while feeding in the night.

On the ear plugs front our son is 10 years old and I still don’t think I could sleep with ear plugs in knowing I couldn’t listen out for him and I am not sure that will ever go away.

It depends on the baby's but at least the first few months the baby will be most likely up for feeds/company throughout night. For the first few weeks assuming you breastfeed I'd suggest there is no benefit of both being up so you do it (he makes sure you get a chance to nap at the weekend to catch up with sleep). Then after a few weeks once the baby can go 3 or so hours without milk he takes the baby 8-12 so you can sleep and then you take the baby the rest of the time. For me, I think ear plugs would be off for the foreseeable. I can't imagine not needing to hear my kid in the night until maybe 6 years old . So much depends on individual set up and baby though.

He needs to get the snoring sorted out as a matter of urgency.

You're going to have to resign yourself to doing the nights, especially if you're breastfeeding.

He can do housework, laundry, cooking, meal planning, shopping, and generally take all of that off your hands. so you can rest a little during the day.

If you are breastfeeding then him getting up with you just means both of you are sleep deprived. You don’t need two adults for each feed. It isn’t like you can sleep while he does the feed unless you are pumping and using a bottle overnight.

Not all babies sleep and wake and eat on a set schedule so you will kind of have to wait until the baby is here and then make a plan based on his / her sleep patterns. Early on the baby may cluster feed etc. You will also have to see how much you actually want to pump versus direct feeding.

He could have a baby monitor in his room. Then he will likely hear baby wake, get fed and he can take baby to his room for changing and cuddles. You can go straight back to sleep if poss. Sounds a great set up that could give you both time to sleep but more importantly bonding time with baby. Good luck x

We have separate rooms, I love it and wouldn't go back.

Trust me, both being awake for every feed/wake up won't work. You have to tag team. My DH would have the baby 8-12 at night while I slept for a chunk and then we'd swap over.

And for the first couple of weeks I just did all 'nightshifts', it's hard but just accent it'll be a tiring time. You get through it.

Like others have said I think the breastfeeding is key here. It’s early days for us but we’ve landed on the same solution as others in this thread. My husband takes the baby for a couple of hours in the evening so I can sleep and wakes me up if she gets hungry. I then do nights because we don’t both need to be up every time she is, and I have to be up to feed her. I sleep in the guest room for now. It’s exhausting and I miss my bed but it’s hopefully only for a couple of months until she’s not up so much of the night and it’s the most practical solution, even if it’s tough psychologically and not my preference. This stage will be over in the blink of an eye so am just going with it. Good luck x

Newborn is totally diff to "baby" at 4 /5 months it gets easier.

We did shifts.
6/7-11 i slept in bedroom, dh in babys room
11- 5/6 dh in bedroom, me in with baby
5/6-8ish i slept in bedroom again and dh did baby

He brought the baby to me and woke me to feed.

How he can help if you're doing all the nights.

While on oat leave he does EVERYTHING around the house during the Day. You focus on feeding and sleeping following baby's cues.

When he's back to work he brings you tea / coffe breakfast in bed when he goes to work. He leaves food for lunch in the fridge, he makes dinner. He still does everything in the house until you feel able to do more.

There's loads dad can do to help that doesn't involve feeding.

Every time there is a snoring man on here MN act as if it’s a personal sort of character flaw that must be amended immediately!

We just sleep in different rooms, it’s never been a big deal.

I booted my DH out to the spare room with his snoring. Not fair that I should have to suffer because he won't try to remedy it!

I did all the feeds and just took baby into spare room where DH was sleeping to wake him up to change baby. The nappy changing stuff was all set up in the spare room. DH also winded baby and then put baby back in bed after rocking back to sleep. When baby stopped pooping after every feed it got easier.

A pp suggested to have one exhausted parent and one well rested parent - not so practical when you EBF I found! DH also found it very hard to settle baby, day and at night. Said baby is now almost 2.5 and will only settle for dad is he is the absolute last available option.

My second baby is 8 weeks old. We sleep in separate rooms. It started due to snoring, then he got diagnosed with sleep apnoea. He got a CPAP machine, but it also keeps me awake. He cannot hear with it on, so would not wake for a baby.

We tried different things with the first, but none really worked. We were just both tired. So this time I am doing nights alone. He takes the baby during the day so I can nap. I am breastfeeding and just do not think he is useful to me at night.

If you're breastfeeding he can't do much anyway.

I've never seen the point of two people being awake at night (I know people who both got up for every feed for "moral support") I always preferred DH to care for the baby at other times so I could really relax and catch up on sleep. I used to go to bed early and he would stay up late downstairs with the baby so I could get a good few hours undisturbed.

If you swap to bottles at some point you can take turns having the baby in your room? Assuming his snoring doesn't keep baby awake that is - maybe the baby will find it reassuring 😬

My husband is USELESS at night, has been with both babies. He just doesn't hear when they wake at all. Or if he does wake up he's in that much of a daze he has no idea what's going on.
As I was breastfeeding and I did the night feeds anyway, it just became the default that I would do overnight but he would get up with them at the 5/6am wake-up and let me have a lie-in :)

It worked for us - when he went back to work I napped when the baby napped during the day and he helped before he went to work and after he came home and he did a lot more during the day at the weekends. Both girls started sleeping through at 3 months which helped loads :)

I breastfed and co slept with both mine , and to be honest I chucked my DH into the spare room a lot of the time, I got more sleep co sleeping with just the baby in bed as I literally fed her rolled over and went back to sleep, sometimes she just latched on and I stayed asleep. Don’t bother changing nappy in the night unless they’ve done a poo. Honestly not a lot DH can do to help in the night when your breastfeeding 🤷‍♀️