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Parenting

DP snores - separate bedrooms - how can he help with newborn?

71 replies

LuckyEarthDragon · 28/01/2023 03:03

Hi everyone,

Looking for all your best tips and advice :)

Im expecting first baby soon and right now I wear ear plugs every night because DP snores so loudly! He’s tried a few solutions to reduce it and I know feels really bad about it, but it is what it is for now.

With pregnancy insomnia making that harder to handle I’m planning to move into the spare bedroom as I know once baby arrives I won’t be wearing ear plugs anyway.

But my question is - how - if at all - can DP help with the night shifts if me and baby are in a whole separate bedroom? Presumably he’ll be totally oblivious to when we’re awake / feeding / asleep, and I’m hoping to breast feed so there’s that too. Is it a question of resigning myself to doing everything myself for the first few weeks / months? I feel like if we were in the same bedroom at least he could wake up to change nappies, put baby back down to sleep, bring snacks or water etc. How did your DP help you?

And assuming I’ll need the ear plugs back to get a good night of sleep when we share a bedroom again - how long realistically are we going to be in separate rooms? As I don’t love that setup and would like to be back together when possible. I’m wondering if once baby gets to a certain age I’d feel comfortable wearing ear plugs and just letting DP settle baby if he wakes up in the night? But appreciate I’m totally ignorant yet about how mum instinct kicks in after birth and so that might be super unrealistic :)

Thanks for any experience and wisdom you can share.

OP posts:
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LuckyEarthDragon · 28/01/2023 18:26

Hi everyone, only just checking this thread again after a busy day hosting family. I really appreciate all the replies and advice! V helpful to see a few themes standing out especially around doing it in shifts - feeling encouraged, thank you :)

OP posts:
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closingscore · 28/01/2023 23:45

Sleep deprived and looking after a small human or sleep deprived and sat at a desk - why is one role more worthy of overnight rest than the other and why should nights with a baby not be shared as much as possible?

Well generally if you're at home with the baby all day you have the chance to nap when the baby does. I can't imagine many jobs where you'd get away with that at work.

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bussteward · 29/01/2023 04:55

closingscore · 28/01/2023 23:45

Sleep deprived and looking after a small human or sleep deprived and sat at a desk - why is one role more worthy of overnight rest than the other and why should nights with a baby not be shared as much as possible?

Well generally if you're at home with the baby all day you have the chance to nap when the baby does. I can't imagine many jobs where you'd get away with that at work.

Only if you have the kind of baby that can be put down. Mine only slept on me.

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Balletshoes2022 · 29/01/2023 05:52

Bit different to some pp but we have shared the nights mostly, both getting up at the same time (DH doing nappies, and helping me while establishing BF with positioning and getting me water and pain relief in the early days). This worked for us, but only because DH is lucky enough to have time off work too. I also found the nights really hard / lonely to begin with when I tried to get up on my own, so preferred to have DH awake to help too. Also I found establishing feeding really hard (due to various issues) so it was great to have extra support with this in the first month. Regarding the snoring, I find the babies white noise machine helps a bit to drown out some noises… but I suppose it depends on how loud the snoring is!

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namechangeforthisbleep · 29/01/2023 07:20

The naivety of some of the people on here. I've tried everything to fix my snoring, nothing has worked. And yes I mean literally everything. The nastiness on Mumsnet about snoring is so rife

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namechangeforthisbleep · 29/01/2023 07:21

Boneweary · 28/01/2023 06:37

Every time there is a snoring man on here MN act as if it’s a personal sort of character flaw that must be amended immediately!

We just sleep in different rooms, it’s never been a big deal.

👏

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todaystoday · 29/01/2023 07:27

In my experience DH didn’t help at night (bar the first week or two) because I was breastfeeding and on maternity leave.

If you are planning to bf, then there’s not much point your dh helping anyway as then there will be two tired parents :)

On nights that you want “off” so to speak, can baby sleep in the main bedroom with your husband and you sleep in the spare bed? Then your dh can sort the baby (and bring her through to you, if you are bf)

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DrJump · 29/01/2023 07:32

He can do helpful useful things like make dinner, prepare you a lunch/snacks you can grab easily, washing, bathing the baby, taking baby for a walk after dinner so you can have a shower and change into PJs(evening walks also seam to settle my babies).

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CakeCrumbs44 · 29/01/2023 07:34

If you're breastfeeding then you pretty much just cover nights. You're already awake for half an hour, just stay awake the extra 5 minutes to change a nappy as well and then go back to bed. No point in waking him to change a nappy then you'll just both be awake for no reason.

He can do the evening shift until 11pm or something, and get up early morning so you can get a bit more sleep.

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CakeCrumbs44 · 29/01/2023 07:38

Margo34 · 28/01/2023 10:59

Because you're both working the next day. One of you may be working out of the home earning a salary, the other will be working in the home looking after the baby. Neither's day time contribution should be more or less valued, so why should night be any different?

Because a man can't breastfeed, so the woman has to be awake to do that. Waking the man up pointlessly as well just because it's "fair" if they're both tired, even though there's absolutely no benefit, is just stupid.

If they're bottle feeding then that's different of course.

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RampantIvy · 29/01/2023 07:56

namechangeforthisbleep · 29/01/2023 07:20

The naivety of some of the people on here. I've tried everything to fix my snoring, nothing has worked. And yes I mean literally everything. The nastiness on Mumsnet about snoring is so rife

When you are also deprived because your bed companion snores loudly and they do nothing about it then it causes irrational rage. At least you have tried to address the issue. The threads on here where people get angry are those whose partners refuse to do anything about it.

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Plantmoretrees86 · 29/01/2023 08:10

My baby is 6 months old. I was wondering the exact same thing when pregnant as DH snoring bothered me so much and we slept separately for most of the third trimester. Had no idea how it would work. Things I found...

First of all, he took baby in the evenings and I went to bed about 8pm. I breastfed (still do) but expressed enough for 1 bottle so he gave that around 10/11pm meaning I could get around 4 hours solid sleep on my own. Then he brought the baby in and I did the rest of the wakes. After a few nights, I realized I could hear the baby fine through earplugs so I still wear those but I find I sleep through most of his snoring these days - obviously so tired I just conk out! He doesn't always snore but if there's a bad night, he always gets up with the baby in the morning to let me catch up. As others have said, the first three months are tough but I found feeds spaced out after that. Don't stress too much, you might find it's not such a problem as you think!

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Margo34 · 29/01/2023 10:30

CakeCrumbs44 · 29/01/2023 07:38

Because a man can't breastfeed, so the woman has to be awake to do that. Waking the man up pointlessly as well just because it's "fair" if they're both tired, even though there's absolutely no benefit, is just stupid.

If they're bottle feeding then that's different of course.

You don't need to be awake to breastfeed.

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RampantIvy · 29/01/2023 10:32

You don't need to be awake to breastfeed.

I did. I couldn't breastfeed lying down as my boobs were too small.

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CakeCrumbs44 · 29/01/2023 10:35

RampantIvy · 29/01/2023 10:32

You don't need to be awake to breastfeed.

I did. I couldn't breastfeed lying down as my boobs were too small.

I couldn't feed lying down either, but for the opposite reason!

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PennyPencils · 29/01/2023 10:43

I'm going through this right now.

Exactly your situation by the the sound of it. Baby is now 7 weeks old.

DP snores horrendously. Usually I wear earplugs. The plan was for him to take the sofabed as no spare room. Baby EBF.

So we tested him in the same room just to see as I wanted him there for support, new baby being so utterly terrifying to start with.
Turns out it's fine. He snores. It doesn't disturb the baby or me. I'm so exhausted that if I get the chance to fall asleep I don't hear it!
Complete surprise so might be worth a try.
He works so the routine we've got into is;

We stay up together until about 10pm and around this time well be settling down in bed and I'll give her a feed.
He will then settle her and eventually get her into her moses basket next to me. This can take until 1am sometimes as she hates the basket. That's a problem for later.
Then I'll deal with her from then on, feeds nappy changes etc, unless I'm worn out and struggling then I ask for help, or if it gets to morning 7/8 then he'll take over for a bit until he needs to work.

It's all a work in progress though so that's where we are at the moment.
Good luck. So exciting and wonderful 😊

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bussteward · 29/01/2023 10:43

Margo34 · 29/01/2023 10:30

You don't need to be awake to breastfeed.

I do. Many women do in the newborn days – tiny mouths, engorged boobs. I breastfed my DD at night for two years and even when theoretically she was big enough to wriggle over and latch herself on, we never managed to achieve the cosleep nirvana. Besides I’m a light sleeper so even if a feed started when I’m asleep, it would have woken me!

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bellac11 · 29/01/2023 10:47

namechangeforthisbleep · 29/01/2023 07:20

The naivety of some of the people on here. I've tried everything to fix my snoring, nothing has worked. And yes I mean literally everything. The nastiness on Mumsnet about snoring is so rife

Yes, we're incredibly selfish!!

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Margo34 · 29/01/2023 11:25

bussteward · 29/01/2023 10:43

I do. Many women do in the newborn days – tiny mouths, engorged boobs. I breastfed my DD at night for two years and even when theoretically she was big enough to wriggle over and latch herself on, we never managed to achieve the cosleep nirvana. Besides I’m a light sleeper so even if a feed started when I’m asleep, it would have woken me!

I'm still BF my now 2.5yo, I have small boobs too @RampantIvy 😂 Even in the early newborn days, suffering multiple turns of engorgement and mastitis, I still managed to feed and sleep. I appreciate that it might not work for everyone, and not everyone might feel comfortable to try or feel that they can, but the comment I was replying to said the woman 'has to be awake to breastfeed' which isn't correct. Letdown is a reflex action. You may chose to be awake or awaken to aide latching on, but you don't need to be awake for the whole feed and you can sleep with baby is latched on if you chose to.

For us, the newborn and baby stage was about sharing the load, sharing the exhaustion, parenting together and maximising everyone's rest/sleep, with no one person more entitled to that than the other. And it still is. I don't expect my DH to parent when he's not here or working. But when he is, it's 50/50 and nights are no different.

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Reallybadatdecisions · 29/01/2023 14:56

Call his phone when it's his 'shift' or you need to tap out/need support.

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RampantIvy · 29/01/2023 15:04

I trird co-sleeping, but I was so scared of rolling over on to DD that I couldn't sleep.

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