Baby four week old and I really don't think motherhood is for me .

[Lollyathome111]

Don't even know where to start and I've tried to talk to my own mum&boyfriend but they just don't get it.
I love my son but I just wish I didn't have to look after him I hate doing nappies , I suck at winding him , he twines all the time when he's with me , I struggle at doing the getting up with him through the night like I know and want to be so grateful to have him but I feel like he doesn't even like me, like the baby knows I'm shit.
What makes it worse is my other half is back at work next week so I'll have nobody to take over when it gets to much or just nobody to help /be there , I knew it would be hard but I really didn't think it would be like this . My parents / his help and they go on about how good he is , how he always sleeps but honestly he doesn't for me he's up every 2hours that's if he actually sleeps usually just lies down making noises spitting his dummy in and out ,then its time to get up again for next bottle 😴 when it gets to overwhelming our parents they do offer to have him but I really don't think it helps as it's another day of me not getting to grips with it all . It just takes him away it doesn't actually help me . I just feel moody , tired and just no patience at all . I don't have any friends , I just hate me as a person . I thought by now I'd get the hang of stuff but I haven't - I just feel useless .I actually think bf and my son would be better off without me as I think the baby senses I'm sad and I feel like I'm draining life out of bf which isn't fair like my mood is rubbing off on everyone I just don't know what I can do . I actually hate feeling like I'm one big whinge

4 weeks is still very young and I definitely wasn't used to looking after my baby by the time my husband was back at work when our baby was 4 weeks.

I could not cope at all, I tried telling my husband how I felt and although he was sympathetic, he kept telling me I was doing well even though I didn't feel like I was at all.

But then one day I realised I hadn't been feeling nearly as bad, I think baby was about 2 or 3 months old. I'd got myself into a routine. Now baby is 8 months old and I actually look forward to our time together. Even though there's still challenges and I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing half the time, it just doesn't bother me much at all. The only time I get really down about him now is if he's ill or I'm ill, or both!

You will definitely get to that stage too! I'm a constant worrier too but having a baby is like having a new job, at first you have no idea what you're doing and you feel like you'll never get there, but you learn as you go along.

It's so hard when they're small but I promise it gets easier x

I remember wondering if I'd ever feel myself again. Everything felt altered. It was like somebody had manufactured my life in every perfect detail and it all looked as it should be but all felt wrong. It's a feeling I can't describe. And I felt suffocated by it. No moments of joy or real moments of devastation but almost a flat existence where everything was just hard work and the baby wasn't easy. Never awful but just unsettled and not a great sleeper and always seeming to want something other than what I was offering. And at the same time I loved every fibre of my baby and bonded with her instinctively.

A few weeks in, I resolved to be one of those mothers who was together and organised. Up, out, efficient, smiling and looking like a mother rather than somebody drowning under the relentlessness. Took 4 attempts to dress her and she kept pooing or vomiting on her clothes. Finally got out the house at 11am for a lovely sunshiney walk. She screamed relentlessly, I worried about the sun burning her, my lochia ramped up as I walked. I picked her up out of the pram and tried to soothe her while pushing the pram. She still cried, and vomited on me to boot and I stumbled the mile home, blinded by tears, reeking of sick and with a grumpy baby squirming over my shoulder.

It didn't get better straightaway. I endured quite a lot of the early weeks. I felt like a hermit, hanging on for better days. And they came and they overtook the tough days. Each stage of babyhood, smiling, laughing, cooing, they all helped lift me out of the fog.

I also finally saw a health visitor about something else and she recognised that I was slightly depressed and definitely anxious. It was mostly hormonal but also due to a v difficult birth. I took up exercise, resumed some hobbies and accepted help. I also ate better, slept better and looked after myself and talked to somebody about the birth. The other option was meds but I tried without and was lucky to find a way out of it.

Talk to people. On here and irl. Consider the health visitor or GP. Talk to friends and family.

It will get better I promise. My biggest baby is doing her GCSEs and I am so thankful for every second we have shared. You'll get there too and sooner than you think. But you don't have to do it alone.

Oh OP I have been where you are. I had ivf after years of infertility. When my baby was born I was given a calendar from Bounty which counted various stages. After 4 weeks the calendar said "you should be settling in to your new life now". I remember crying and saying to my mum that I didn't want to settle in to my new life! I wanted my old one back. Then suddenly, at about six weeks old, I looked at my boy one morning and thought he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I still do, 16 years later! This will pass. See a dr if you think you may have pnd. I did and I struggled on needlessly.

I had an intense initial rush of adrenaline/love/happiness for the first few hours after a traumatic birth. Then my painkillers wore off and the absolute exhaustion took over me and when he woke crying for the first time I had this onset of panic and deep regret. The feelings persisted and I developed PND which I didn't address properly and it continued on for a long time.

It's perfectly normal to feel as you do. But if the feelings of hopelessness don't lift or get worse, please reach out for help.

I laughed with recognition at your thread title!

I felt like that after my first baby. I did not even want to leave hospital with her! I did not enjoy any of it but I did find comfort in recognising that I would protect her if she was threatened (a biological response I thought). I don't know when I started to feel a bond with her but she's still here (in her 20's) so presumably I did at some point.

And she was an easy baby. Reading the rest of your post you may have a dupe of my second. Who looked at me as if to say: you? Really? Soooo disappointed, and he was settling for everyone bar me - even his 6 yo sister 😭. I thought several times when day: thank God he's not my first or my confidence would be in tatters. (He's an angel now, in his teens).

In hindsight OP I probably had baby blues if not postnatal depression after my first. I didn't get a lot of support anyway but certainly not when I said PLEASE don't leave me alone with the baby to nearly everyone I met. But we weathered our way through and survived (though, that is the reason for the big age gap between my kids -I couldnt bear to go back to that situation, that you are in - again).

So, apart from looking for help (as you should) I did a lot of parenting courses in the hope of enjoying it all more and one of the things that stuck in my mind was: if you can't change the situation, change your attitude towards it. So, accept that this is rubbish, wail with him or sing as he cries. You are not an Instagram page so you can eeeewwww to the baby as you change a nappy (trust me: when he can express an opinion he will absolutely agree with you, he will also hate the crying if you have another baby so your son as an older child will absolutely agree with you on the misery of the humdrum activities you are going through now). Lean into it rather than fight it. He is not looking at you disparagingly: he has no-one to compare you to (that was my mantra for #1)

And of course, take all the help you are offered. You write YOUR parenting manual - in other words only you know what is right for you and your son. You made him, you have kept him alive so far: you are doing an amazing job.

Gosh all the comments have me in tears actually. What a lonely time it can be the first months. I also could have written this thread myself. Things are great now as my little one is 15 months, but I didn't start feeling sane until he was about 7 months old. Even if you have support around you, the anxiety and the feeling of just dread sits with you the moment you're alone with baby. I know not all women experience it that way, and that's great, but there is some comfort in knowing that it's normal to feel this way. Especially the part about regret. That's exactly how I felt. I was expecting to feel an instant bond, joy, be in that newborn bubble with my little
Family. Instead it was just regret and fear. What on earth did I get myself into? Why would I do this to myself? I had such a great life! Well just a year and a bit down the line, I am starting to get it 😜

4 weeks was pretty shit here too. Exhausting and no feedback. Then they smile! Give it a few weeks and you will feel a bit lighter.

Go easy on yourself. And your baby loves you unconditionally.

Big hugs it can be really hard going. Hang in there

Can I just say , I totally forgot I wrote this and really can't believe I ever did . He's 4 month old now and I couldn't imagine life without him , I love him so much . Wow , l I really forgot about this. I wish I could go back and tell myself while I was feeling like this that it was gonna be okay 🩷

OP

Earplugs.

Such a lovely update to read !! Xxx

What a lovely update! Glad it's all got better.

Absolute shit for me too. I loathed every second, and was googling fostering and adoption services when DS was 3 weeks old. He’s now 11, and utterly lovely. Don’t beat yourself up, OP. It’s tough, tough, tough. Take all the help available. You won’t notice it happening, but very shortly you will be the expert on your baby.

x-posted, OP. Glad to hear it.

💖 good on you!

Just read through all the posts and my baby years were so long ago can't even remember them apart from in a rose coloured glow mostly! Mis remembered more like. Your update me smile and laugh. The one thing I do recall is that everything was a stage some crappy some brilliant. You sound like a great Mum, but then we all knew you would be.

It gets better.. but definitely seek help

I have a 4 month old and it does get better and you will find your groove with it. I would say this: each stage doesn't last for very long in the grand scheme of things- you will only have a newborn for another few weeks then a more interactive baby then a toddler etc and you'll prefer some stages to others and that is OK.

The best advice I can give you is let go of your expectations and just hand yourself over to the mayhem! I made a list of good boxsets, invested in Bluetooth headphones and that kept me sane when my wee one was up feeding every 1.5 hrs through the night. It might not all be perfect but seriously, if at the end of the day everyone survived then that day is a success. I kept a list in the notes on my phone of any tiny wins I had in the early days. Things like managing to get out for a walk with the pram by myself or being honest about my needs when baby was being colicky and passing him to my dh. Or keeping myself calm when he was inconsolable. Watching them build up helped and on the bad days I read back through and it reminds me that I'm capable and I'm doing OK.

It does sound like you're feeling very low and I do think it would be worth talking to your midwife or health visitor about it. Ppd is very real, it affects so so many women and its not a reflection on you or your parenting it's purely how your body is reaching to the roller coaster of hormones. So it's important to get the right support and if your dh and your family aren't enough then chat to your hv. I had to speak to mine about a big jump in my anxiety after birth and I was glad I did it really reassured me that I wasn't losing the plot.

It's not easy and when ds is really fussing or doing something that frustrates me, I just tell him he's doing a really great job of being a baby. It sounds silly but it reminds me that he is just being a baby and it helps me calm myself. It sounds like you're doing much better than you're able to give yourself credit for.

This is lovely to hear. When I read your post and you thinking you'd be used to it all I could think was - what do we know at 4 weeks?

After 4 weeks can a runner run a marathon? After 4 weeks can you speak a new language? After 4 weeks are you an expert at yoga? At chess?

Four weeks is no time at all.

This, it can be really, really shit especially if you're doing most of it. It's relentless and no one warns you or talks about it openly.
Some things will get harder and some things will get easier, mostly you'll get used to it.

We're dripfed a Disney version of the newborn phase but even if depictions were more realistic, we could never prepare for it. The sleep deprivation, 'mummy guilt' and often PND make those first weeks torture for many compounded by the fact that no one talks about how difficult it can be.

I was just like you at first, DC1 woke every hour but by a few months old I felt as you do now. It'sso lovely to read your update. My feelings of inadequacy weren't helped by a jealous (I didn't realise it at the time) MIL making constant P/A remarks. It took me finding confidence as a parent and getting some decent rest to truly feel love for him.

He's almost thirty now and has been a joy his whole life but I remind him of that time. His reply is that he had the best childhood ever. Don't feel guilty either, I did for quite a while.

4 weeks is no time at all. You literally grew a human! Its gonna take a little while longer. Im at week 14 and its getting better. He sleeps longer and laughs and smiles which is nice. I put these sensory dancing veggies on you tube and hes always been mesmerized by them so it gives me 5 minutes to breathe. I felt so bad doing that but we do what we have to.

Wonderful update

remember that your post may be found by some mother who finds herself in that some place and being able to read your story may help her get through her tough beginning.

So many of us have been there. Newborns care can easily become overwhelming. It doesn’t help when we have an image of motherhood in our head that we are failing to meet. Just caring for the baby and keeping ourselves basically functional can be enough.

Wonderful. Don't beat yourself up about it, those early days are so hard. I spent hours one night trying to figure out a way to get my ds adopted without upsetting his dad, ha ha. He's 21 now and we're so close, I've had some upsetting news this week and ds has been my absolute rock, I'm so lucky to have him.

What a lovely update. Mine is 5 months and this thread brought back memories of feelings I had completely forgotten.

I have in my head that I felt the bond from the start but that was only sort of true. Something someone said further up reminded me.

I loved him in the sense that I wanted him to be safe and happy but I didn't particularly feel strongly about being the one to do that! If I could have a hundred percent guaranteed that another person would have looked after him and loved him and given him a good life I'd have handed him over in a heartbeat.

I remember on one particularly bad night wondering how awful it would actually be to ask my mum if she fancied raising him. That way I'd still get to see him. I knew logically that it was an insane thought but it didn't feel very insane at the time.

Honestly I felt similar to the way you might an abandoned dog. You'd keep them if there was nobody else but ideally they'd go to a couple with lots of free time and lots of land, you know.

Thing are so different now. To anyone in the thick of it, know it gets better. And know that the people telling you that the newborn days are the best and easiest things will ever be have either forgotten or had easier babies.