Am I enabling my child to be non independent

[ghostspider]

So for a bit of back story, i have one sibling and we grew up in a home with my parents who are married. My dad is easy going and my mum is quite a stressy person/worries about everything. Growing up I was the oldest and had a lovely childhood as far as childhoods go. Me and my mum clashed a lot as I grew into my teens, and I was very lazy. I was a good kid who went to school and I was tidy etc but lazy.

My brother on the other hand was and still is horrendously lazy, neither of us were taught how to cook/clean but as I got older I learned the basics and once I had my children can cook and clean just fine. My brother cannot cook anything and doesn't clean ever, he still lives at home at 25 which is relatively young so no problem there. He doesn't wash a dish and I feel for my parents. He is insanely selfish, very sure of himself but has numerous mental health problems.. anxiety/depression which seems to have been helped with medication.

My mother is a fixer, she does everything for my brother and still tried to for me. It's quite over bearing but I am 30 now with 3 children and know how to handle her. My husband says that I am quite like my mum as in I do everything for our children and he says it's not going to help them later in life. I can see his point, she mothers my brother no end and he struggles with everyday tasks. My oldest is 7 and my youngest is newborn so I guess it's my oldest my husband is more worried about.

My question is, (if you've read this far thank you!), how much do you do for your children at that age or what do you teach your children to do for themselves? I don't think I'm doing too much.. my eldest dresses himself for school and can make a drink/cereal for himself.

I had a moment the other day when I gave him a cloth and asked him to give his school shoes a wipe over as I was tending to the baby and we didn't have much time, he looked at me and said "why can't you do it?" I didn't really know what to say other than, because I have to do something else. Now im stuck between am I doing enough or not enough! My partner's upbringing was the complete opposite of mine and he had to do everything for himself from a very young age. He thinks it's helped him as an adult.

Sorry for the long post, it's hard to know as a parent what the best thing to do is sometimes

I did everything for myself as a child due to parental neglect. As a result I am extremely self sufficient and independent but also have an avoidant attachment style which pushes people away as I don’t need anyone. Swings and roundabouts, finding the balance is the thing.

I had a moment the other day when I gave him a cloth and asked him to give his school shoes a wipe over as I was tending to the baby and we didn't have much time, he looked at me and said "why can't you do it?"
Would he have said the same to your DH?

For me, it's important that they're willing to help, the accuracy of what they do isn't that important till they're in double figures, as they can learn to be better at things, but if they don't ever learn to give up their time to help, they never will.
Sorry I've only got toddlers and baby at the moment so can't help in age specific things!

You say "they are your shoes". Honestly don't fret, it's not too late. At seven I expected my kids to help tidy up and to get dressed themselves, pick out clothes, put dirty clothes in the wash basket, help set the table, help clear the table, get themselves a drink, maybe a snack, (like a yogurt from the fridge, not make a sandwich), put away things when they came in from somewhere, get their lunchbox out of the bag and put it to be washed, that sort of thing.

I expect my 7 year old to pick his clothes up off the floor, put his plate/bowl in the sink and tidy his room maybe once a week. I have to remind him to do these things most of the time though he doesn't just do them. He's naturally quite messy. He often moans about tidying his room as he will say his brother made the mess (which is often true) but I just reply that we all help each other out sometimes and remind him of the things I still do for him.

My 2 year old is very lazy/resistant to tidying up but I'm not sure if there's anything I can do about it at this point other than to keep encouraging him!

I have a brother like yours too OP and refuse to let my boys end up the same way. IME I think the main thing is consistency.

I had a moment the other day when I gave him a cloth and asked him to give his school shoes a wipe over as I was tending to the baby and we didn't have much time, he looked at me and said "why can't you do it?"

That would have been a learning moment in our house.
Please don't let them grow up like your brother.

I think it's a mix really. I was always very independent as a child which has hugely helped me later in life. Nothing phases me really, whereas my friends who grew up in houses where there was more "helicopter parenting" to generalise it really really struggle now with basic things.
That said, my parents and my grandparents on both sides were very very anti "chores" for children, and it was the same in my DP's house when he was younger. I was never asked to unload the dishwasher, or clean, or hoover the floors etc. I was shown how to cook and my interest in those things was fostered, so now I'm very competent and I don't see them as a "chore" - same with DP.
I think with mine I strike a balance where they're encouraged to be independent and capable, but at the same time they're not my slave!

I have a very lazy 5 year old who, in an ideal world, would let us do everything for him (still occasionally asks me to wipe his bum, which obviously we refuse to do).

He can dress himself, including coats, shoes, hat, gloves, and put outdoor clothes back away in the hall when he gets home. Clothes drawers are hard for him to reach as they are high up, but he definitely chooses his own clothes. He can put his dirty clothes in the wash basket, and help me load and unload the washing machine.

He can wash himself, including hair, in the bath.

He can brush his teeth (electric toothbrush, might need a bit of help with the toothpaste, we supervise to make sure he is doing it properly).

He can tidy up, though he needs supervision as again he can’t reach all the cupboards.

He can help cook (get things out of the fridge and freezer for me, crack eggs, mix things, measure and weigh things with help, peel veg - we have a tiny galley kitchen, if we had more space he could do a lot more).

We don’t do a huge amount of other housework ourselves, but because there are only 3 of us he does end up being included in everything.

My 8.5 year old can do a lot, I definitely rely on his ability to contribute as a single parent household with a 7 month old too, but it’s definitely teaching him to be less lazy and understands that he needs to contribute to mess, cleaning up and general personal hygiene and presentation.

he knows how to turn the heating washing machine and dishwasher on/off, dresses himself, gets himself to bed, cleans his room etc. usually if he wants a “reward” iPad or treaty snacks he needs to do the job first ie no iPad before uniform is on, no treats until after homework is done and stuff is cleared away from tea. I wasn’t sure at first if it was too much but actually he’s probably capable of more and I’ve noticed he’s a lot more considerate about the mess he makes and doesn’t moan aboht doing things I ask, a lot of the time they are just done in the passing of what time of day it is.

and if he ever does ask why he’s doing it not me. I just reply (in a jokey way) because I’m not your slave!

Age 7 is not too late, there's lots of time to learn things! There are plenty of things you can be asking them to do.

My son is now 10. He organises his own things for school and equipment for his various sports clubs, puts his laundry in the basket, takes the wheelie bin in/out, does the dishes, makes himself snacks and drinks, help prep veggies, strips his bedding for the wash, pegs out washing (or throws it on the radiators), puts his clean clothes away, sets his alarm clock, checks his calendar to see what's on that day, checks the school lunch menu and lets me know which days he would prefer a packed lunch, walks to and from school on his own, helps me carry the shopping home, pops up to the shop for milk, knows his way round Tesco and using the self-scanner etc.

He doesn't do all those chores all the time, and wouldn't think to do some of them unless I ask but he knows how to and does them with good grace. I've also been barking "I'm not your servant!" at him since he was very little (mostly jokingly but also not!!).

You do have to be a bit no-nonsense and jolly them along sometimes, also accept that it does take longer but you're not doing them any favours swooping in all the time to assist. I think at school they also have jobs and are certainly expected to clear up after themselves.

Being capable and able to do things for yourself makes you feel great! It's good for your self esteem!

Yes! Please teach them to do chores at an early age. My kids are older (20s now) and although there were some things like personal hygiene, packing bags, clearing table & filling emptying dishwasher etc) that we just expected them to do from a young age, there were other things which DH & I were guilty of doing for them for way too long - doing their laundry, cleaning shoes, changing beds, etc. In reality they caught up once they went off to uni, but I was a bit embarrassed that I'd left it so late to teach them/ expect it from them.
I was independent from a young age, as my parents worked shifts/flexitime and were often not home until 8.30pm and I wonder if perhaps I over-compensated with my own children? Also one of mine has mild learning difficulties and everything takes longer to teach and do, so sometimes I just did stuff for him thinking 'I'll teach him when I have more time' .

You say "they are your shoes".

I thought the same as this when I read about the shoe incident. Saying "we help each other" etc just reinforces the idea that it is your job to keep his things in order, or rather, that it isn't mainly his job. He's not helping you by cleaning his own shoes, he's helping himself. I think it's important that kids are reminded that they are primarily responsible for their own things.

Wow this has been really really helpful. After reading some comments I agree with my DS it seems to be more of the attitude problem. Im definitely going to try the "we are a team" I think that would help a lot. We recently lowered the time he is allowed on the iPad at home and that has helped he is much more polite at home I don't know if it's a coincidence.

He's very competent at school and is doing very well, no complaints at all. He dresses himself and the things I ask him to do are things I know he can do, so I definitely think it's more of the he would rather I just do it.

It's good to see that others are giving their children small chores to do. Im going to look into a few things he can do each day and hope that will help too.

Yes we have this problem it's given straight to me. One of my DS closest friends is extremely spoiled, as in his mum will sometimes carry him out of school. They are 7. His older sister who is 9 also asks to be carried. It blows my mind!!!!

I like this!

I personally don't think he would, no! Which is worrying but they are overall better behaved when DH is around as he tends to stick to rules very well as he's in work most of the day whereas I can sometimes tend to give in easier as my patience is lower 😕

Oh mine sometimes wants a carry too! More of a cuddle really. I only carry him for a minute or so, not all the way home, but he’s my baby so he’ll never be too big for a quick pick up.

Interesting reading some of these responses. My friends have a 6.5 year old and he is definitely inclined to be lazy and to expect, if not demand, that adults do things for him. I often help out with him and a toddler sibling at evenings/weekends, and do ad-hoc childcare in school holidays, so see what he's like both with me and his parents. I tend to push back more as I was raised with my parents expecting me and my sister to do chores, help cleaning the house and so on, but I don't want to get into nagging or telling off with him so I do give in to demands more than I'd like. I understand parents more often cave to avoid getting in constant fights/nagging, or it would be relentless. It would be nice to find a way to encourage him to WANT to be more independent and do things for himself.

He will sit up at the table for dinner and shout 'where is my tablet?' expecting an adult to fetch it for him from where it is charging on a shelf within his reach at the other end of the room. He doesn't fetch his own drinks or snacks or anything - but in fairness cups are in a cupboard out of his reach. Think it would be good if a set of cups could be somewhere he could get to, even if he still needs a step to reach the sink. He will say 'wipe' if his hands or face are messy, when a pack of wet wipes is on the table next to him, he expects an adult to get one out for him. Still asks adults to wipe his bottom, they do all the shampooing of hair etc. If building a lego model and he drops bits on the floor, asks someone to pick it up for him. He is very resistant to putting his own (velcro) shoes on before we go out, whines for an adult to do it for him, even to go out somewhere fun he wants to go. He wouldn't spontaneously tidy anything up - and if he wants to get something out to play with and other toys and things are taking up space, he won't help pack it away to make space even if asked to. He would have a tantrum if parent just refused to do it then.

Obviously kids don't spontaneously want to do chores but a lot of this is just self-care and being independent, but if they don't want to be independent, you end up telling them to do XYZ and nagging about things constantly. Any suggestions of how to encourage them to want to do more for themselves?

DD2 often tried to give me her rubbish, I just look at her and ask if I look like a bin, she then happily toddles off to the bin to throw her rubbish away. She does drive me mad by putting Banana peel in the wicker lounge bin but we can't win them all. She also tries to help put washing in the basket but puts lights in darks abs darks in lights, it's a working progress.

Agree with these together with tidying up after themselves, stack and empty dishwasher, make things like pasta with supervision

My kids were expected to tidy their own toys away before bed from about three. By four they took their own crockery and cutlery to the dishwasher, and by school age used to help me sort the clean laundry into a pile for each family member. Emptying the dishwasher became their daily job by about seven or eight.

At that point onwards, Saturday morning was the family housework day. They had to tidy their bedrooms etc while DH and I did the rest. That was the team thing. We were ALL tidying and cleaning, so it was a given that they did too. They had their own dirty linen baskets in their bedrooms and were expected to bring the contents down when asked.

We also got them to pack their own clothes for weekends away at the PILs from a very young age, when they actually find it fun. But learned not to forget to surreptitiously check their bag, on the day we got there to find the five year old packed six pairs of pants, three books and her teddy. And nothing else!

Basically we just gradually increased their roles in the family. But we did it in a positive way. Like.'wow! You can manage to do that yourself now!'. I was really big on independence being a positive thing and increasing their self esteem.

I'm not saying that by secondary school age they didn't whine like any other teen. But we did the hard bit re our expectations when they were relatively malleable. So at least they had the skills by the time they were moaning.

My SC are older now, but at 7 they would tidy rooms, make beds, take washing downstairs, make themselves a sandwich or cereal in the morning, get themselves dressed, put plates in the dishwasher - and wipe the table or take the recycling out type jobs if asked. They also started to do short camps and trips away with clubs - 1 or 2 nights - at that age. I think they were 8 when they started to go down the road to get milk.

I don't imagine he meant anything by the phrase but I can see why it pulled you up short. Gradually up his jobs monthly. The first thing is for him to clear up his own mess. And be clear with him that you are the boss. You will have the odd battle and things will take longer but it is part of parenting.

@givemushypeasachance It is easier if you start really young so it just becomes something that is expected. But praise, refusing to pass something he wants and if he won't put shoes on himself saying you can't go out then.

But learned not to forget to surreptitiously check their bag, on the day we got there to find the five year old packed six pairs of pants, three books and her teddy. And nothing else!

@saraclara

This is fabulous.

And really if you have clean pants, books and your teddy everything else will be fine. She is a wise woman.

Ha! This is true. I couldn't really fault her priorities!