Am I enabling my child to be non independent

[ghostspider]

So for a bit of back story, i have one sibling and we grew up in a home with my parents who are married. My dad is easy going and my mum is quite a stressy person/worries about everything. Growing up I was the oldest and had a lovely childhood as far as childhoods go. Me and my mum clashed a lot as I grew into my teens, and I was very lazy. I was a good kid who went to school and I was tidy etc but lazy.

My brother on the other hand was and still is horrendously lazy, neither of us were taught how to cook/clean but as I got older I learned the basics and once I had my children can cook and clean just fine. My brother cannot cook anything and doesn't clean ever, he still lives at home at 25 which is relatively young so no problem there. He doesn't wash a dish and I feel for my parents. He is insanely selfish, very sure of himself but has numerous mental health problems.. anxiety/depression which seems to have been helped with medication.

My mother is a fixer, she does everything for my brother and still tried to for me. It's quite over bearing but I am 30 now with 3 children and know how to handle her. My husband says that I am quite like my mum as in I do everything for our children and he says it's not going to help them later in life. I can see his point, she mothers my brother no end and he struggles with everyday tasks. My oldest is 7 and my youngest is newborn so I guess it's my oldest my husband is more worried about.

My question is, (if you've read this far thank you!), how much do you do for your children at that age or what do you teach your children to do for themselves? I don't think I'm doing too much.. my eldest dresses himself for school and can make a drink/cereal for himself.

I had a moment the other day when I gave him a cloth and asked him to give his school shoes a wipe over as I was tending to the baby and we didn't have much time, he looked at me and said "why can't you do it?" I didn't really know what to say other than, because I have to do something else. Now im stuck between am I doing enough or not enough! My partner's upbringing was the complete opposite of mine and he had to do everything for himself from a very young age. He thinks it's helped him as an adult.

Sorry for the long post, it's hard to know as a parent what the best thing to do is sometimes

[Kittenmitten22]

Don't feel shit. None of us know what we're doing, we're all winging it!

[Wallywobbles]

Try this

childdevelopmentinfo.com/chores/the-ultimate-list-of-age-appropriate-chores/

[FinallyHere]

or does the quickest worst job just to say he's done it!

That's why it needs to become a gain, so he learns to take pride in doing a good job. The start is to make sure he doesn't get let off and learned that it's actually quicker to do it properly.

Don't glory him off with shoddy work and make it fun.

[FinallyHere]

he looked at me and said "why can't you do it?"

I wasn't sure until I got to this part. If your seven your old has the expectation that you should do everything then I agree with your DH and strongly urge you to change how you are treating your DC.

Your main job as a parent is to bring your children up to be good, useful independent adults.

Read up all the ways that a parent can get their children used to doing things. Make a game of it, see how much can get done in x minutes set a timer, race to be first and let the child win and then praise fulsomely.

My mother I have since learned was known to stand in front of something that needed putting away saying 'no one is clever enough to know how to put this away - I could be relied upon to figure it out. '. 😀

Don't leave them to go to Uni being helpless. All the best.

[Loramora]

My son is 9, here is a list of what I expect him to do round the house

• His cereal in the mornings where we don’t have breakfast club
• get dressed, including coat and shoes
• fill own water bottle for school
• take plates/lunchbox in to the kitchen and scrape food into the bin/put in the sink
• put dirty clothes into the hamper
• own bedtime (such as wash face, do teeth, get pjs on)
• bring down cups from bedroom (although this one is very hit and miss!!)
• walk the dog round the block
• fill the dog/cat bowl up if asked
• make sure his phone/nintendo is charged before going to his dads for the weekend (I have to remind him to do this but he does)

That’s about it really, I’m terrible for making my own bed (sorry mumsnet!) so I dont always ask him to make his. i do occasionally ask him to run an anti bac wipe around the bathroom sink/scrub the toothpaste off it when I notice it and he’s on his way to the bathroom anyway but I end up re-doing it because it’s never fully cleaned 😂 I think when he hits secondary school and is making his own way home and will be home before me I will up his chores to running the vac round/doing the dishes/putting clean clothes away. I think at 7 you have plenty of time to ‘house train’ your child. When they get to teenagers and want to go out with their friends you can offer chores as a reward system. If you want to go to the cinema Saturday afternoon with your friends then XYZ needs to be done around the house. That type of thing.

[imallin]

My 7 year old definitely helps around the house in little ways. She knows she's responsible for putting her coat and shoes away and when she's finished playing with toys, she puts them back in the toy box. She loves baking, so as a bolt on, sometimes if I'm cooking she'll stand on a step next to me and she'll put in the cold ingredients and loves the idea that she 'cooked' her own dinner.

I think you can build little jobs into every day life but make it part of a game/fun activity. At a minimum, give your 7 year old responsible for putting his toys away...little things like that.

[Sennelier1]

I'm a gran by now, and what I do with my grandson : I ask him would he please help me with a something (like setting the table), because if we do it together it'll be done quicker and better. He's 5 😊

[sleephelp2022]

We were brought up doing everything for ourselves from a very young age, being mostly self sufficient (washing ourselves, getting dressed, being able to clean, use the hoover, washing machine, lawnmower and cook a simple meal from around aged 8-10 with zero issues or accidents.

I wanted to decorate my bedroom at 14 so with my parents permission I painted and wallpapered it all on my own. Didn't do a bad job either!

It honestly baffles me that parents think there is any other way to bring up kids and that mollycoddling them is any way beneficial. I have friends that were never allowed to be independent and they have suffered as adults and are still incapable of simple tasks.

I'm extremely grateful for my upbringing and would never change it.

[Mew2]

Mine is 2.5. Her job list at the moment is:
Get clothes to get dressed
Dress herself
Put dirty clothes in utility room for washing
Get her cup/bowl/plate/knife fork spoon for meal times
Put her plate/bowl in dishwasher with help
Mop up any spills at table
Tidy her toys with help
Put rubbish in the bin
Helps to chop veg

I was also Brought up doing lots of things for myself- and cooked family meals from about 12 once a week, and cleaned bathroom etc. Children can ways do age appropriate jobs- things that bug me are parents still putting shoes and socks on for 7/8 year olds..

[Zonder]

Some of it is about working together. When mine were smaller I would do jobs with them and now they're teens they do them together. It's a bit dull doing stuff on your own when you're still little.

[bendmeoverbackwards]

This thread has been an eye opener. I have older dc (2 are young adults), youngest is 15 and I feel like I’ve failed her. She’s on the autistic spectrum and I’ve made too many allowances for her. She is utterly dependent on me and does barely anything for herself. I’m trying to turn things round now. But I feel shit about my parenting ☹️

[Kittenmitten22]

First things first.... you are not your mum. You are your own person. We spend so much of our parenthood worrying about whether or not we are doing the right thing, or if we should be more or less like our own parents. Honestly, you do you!

Secondly, your eldest is only 7. I have a 6 year old, who I'd like to make sure he knows how to do things for himself, how household chores are done etc, but I don't force him to do it all the time. Sometimes he chooses to do those things, sometimes I instantly do it for him, it's natural because we're parents.

Every person and every child is different also. Sounds like you and your brother were bought up the same, and look how you've both gone on different paths. I truly feel that he chooses to be lazy cause it's easier for him. My 6 year old has adhd, so I pick my battles!

They are your children and nobody, not even your husband can tell you how to parent. It sounds like you're doing a great job to me!

[Allytheapple]

I have 3 kids too. I have always taught them how to do chores which was another job for me when they were young but now they are older it massively pays off.

When they were the ages of your kids it was for fun and we made it fun. It is the actual job of a parent to teach your children the life skills necessary to be an adult. Not doing so is a bit like not teaching them to brush their teeth. It is a teeny bit neglectful and as you are seeing with your brother it impacts them negatively in the long run.

[TaRaDeBumDeAy]

Sorry for the long post, it's hard to know as a parent what the best thing to do is sometimes

Your job as a parent is to enable them to be fully independent and capable adults. (Disability dependent obviously, for the usual mn disclaimer).

You absolutely should be teaching him to do things for himself.

[FairyBatman]

My six year old regularly gets himself dressed and undressed, puts dirty laundry in his basket, tidies his toys away and feeds the cats with pouches.

He occasionally helps to cook including chopping, helps to hoover, loves helping to wash the car, and helps with recycling. He has recently started making his bed and arranging his army of teddies some mornings which is cute.

[WonderingWanda]

Because they are your shoes would've been my immediate answer, or because I am not your slave.

I wouldn't expect a 7 year old to do loads but his response to you is a but rude and suggests he thinks you are there to serve him and I would nip that in the bud.

Jobs for a 7y/o - set the table, make their bed in the morning, put clothes in laundry basket when done, hang coat up and put shoes away, pack school bag, tidy away toys they've played with, put their dishes in the dishwasher and unload the dishwasher. My 13y/o gets the additional challenge of trying to change sheets which is hilarious to watch.

[freez]

@AHelpfulHand

I also refuse to carry school bags. I see many children practically throw their school bags at their parents straight out of school.

my 5 year old was abit of a pain for dressing himself until he found out that he could have some ipad time if there was enough time once he was dressed.

now he gets dressed super fast!

Parents carrying bags and in particularly the kids throwing them at parents is my absolute pet hate.

[freez]

Things I'd expect them to be able to do at 7:

Get dressed
Clean teeth
Lay table
Clean table
Sort items for recycling
Tidy room
Wipe up dishes or empty dishwasher
Put washing in correct baskets
Make bed

I don't mean work them as a slave everyday with all those chores but over the weeks I'd imagine they'd do a bit of everything.

[ricepuddin]

The options aren't just "do everything for them" and "chuck them aside and let them figure it out themselves"! Those were the 2 options my mum believed in - oh plus "I've showed them once, often in a rush, so they should be able to keep on top of that for the rest of their lives"!

You can model, guide, and be present during the learning curve (which includes not just learning how to do it, but learning TO actually do it). Back off eventually but still check in and encourage every now and then in age appropriate ways

[SamosaChaat]

My brother and I were brought up doing chores- no dramatics, no rewards...it was just expected and we got on with it. Mom worked FT including 2 evenings; dad worked 7 days a week (self employed). We also worked in our dad's business as soon we were able to. As a result, we have grown into independent, capable adults.

My kids are 10 and 12. They help with chores, and have done since they were 3 and 4. There's a list on the fridge with some daily and weekly tasks- they check what needs doing and tick them off. There are no rewards for helping keep their home clean and tidy. They are very privileged in many other ways (we rarely say no to things they ask for if we can afford it) and being part of a family means we all work together. I'm not their maid!

[MamaBear4ever]

There was a big age gap between me and my youngest brothers and as a teen I did a lot around the house as did DH. We are both soft on our two [11,13]. We want them to have the childhood we didn't. They help out more now and before they leave home they will have all the skills they need to be independent adults but till then we have concentrated on letting them be kids.

[Willygogs]

My friend was like your mother, did absolutely everything for her children (would still tuck her 18yr old DD into bed every night).
When her 18 DS went to university, despite being very clever academically he didn’t even know how to put a ready meal into the microwave and cook it. 🤦🤷‍♂️

[beachcitygirl]

We'll have to agree to disagree @saraclara
I believe in parenting with positive reinforcement & praise & clear expectations.
You don't. No biggie.

[ChatTilMidnight]

Everything @HappyAsASandboy says and also point out the stuff you do too. Lots of things are invisble to children. They need to know what being an adult is. At 7 they can set the table, you point out that you/Dh have cooked the meal. Everyone takes their plate through to the kitchen, the table gets cleared and wiped down. We had a family dinner every night where we each talked about our day. I am a sahm so that meant my day was described in household tasks so they understood that food needs to be shopped for, clothes washed, bathrooms cleaned and rooms dusted and hoovered/mopped. There was also no way I was raising pampered little princes who thought females did all the chores.

Teach him responsibility for his things, when he was asked to wipe his shoes your answer is because I didn't get them dirty. Explain if your own shoes were dirty you would wipe them. I also didn't carry bags from KS2. In KS1 they had those book bags with no shoulder strap and they both rode scooters so it was easier for me to carry them. Once they could have rucksacks, all them.

I hate this mentality of they are so young, we had children sweep chimneys at 6, now I am not saying child labour is something positive, but children are very capable and need to take responsibility gradually for looking after themselves. After all we are raising them to be functioning adults. Start young, add to it. Google what chores can a 7 year old do. You would be amazed at the suggestions.

I would add to Happy's list, measure out ingredients for dinner, like pasta or rice, fetch items from the fridge or veg drawer, match up socks, put their bedding into the washing machine, measure out detergent/put pod into machine. Load the dishwasher with their items, put the tablet in that. Don't pile everything on him at once, gradually introduce things, that way when he is a teen he is already doing 3/4 of it.

[Franticbutterfly]

I get my lot to muck in a bit. The youngest does chores like setting the table, helping to clear the table, sometimes empties dishwasher, brings washing down, cleans her own room (occasionally 🙄), polishes, takes the shoes upstairs that are by the door, helps to tidy up (not all on the same day), but I'd be making a rod for my own back if I did everything for everyone all the time for the rest of their lives. I go by the saying "Don't do for someone what they can do for themselves". That's not to say I don't nurture and care for them, but I am teaching them what it takes to care for themselves and a home, and that we all have to work as a team.