I hate being a mum.

[RainbowsLemonDrop]

I had my little girl 8 months ago, I didn't get that rush of love when I had her that everyone says I'd get. She was in respiratory distress after I had her, then rushed to neonatal. We came home she screamed constantly for 8 weeks. It got slightly better but now she's had a bad cold, which has now made her have an horrendous cough, plus teething for over a week, I've had to stay up rocking her for almost a week solid. She's slept in my bed the last 2 nights. I'm exhausted. I've never felt so drained in my whole life.

I don't want to do it anymore, I hate it. The constant worry. The endless to do list. I'm now back at work full time to add to the list of endless shit to do. Except last week I averaged probably 2 hours broken sleep for 4 nights, now she's still not sleeping properly and I have a 2 hour commute for the first half of the week. I can't even string a sentence together at work because my brain is so foggy.

I love her, she deserves better and I just want to disappear off the face of the earth because I can not face another night of this. DP doesn't wake up with her, he doesn't hear her and by then I'm already awake and I am already trying to settle her.

I miss life before all of this so badly. When I wasn't totally exhausted with no end in sight.

And if I get one more message from family/friends trying to be helpful by saying "get an early night" I might explode.

The earliest I can sit down is 8pm, which means I have an hour to get showered and in bed before the baby probably wakes unsettled and coughing.

How the hell do I get an early night

DP doesn't wake up with her, he doesn't hear her and by then I'm already awake and I am already trying to settle her.

babies are very exhausting but this ^^ is your main issue.

Your DP needs to be getting up at night and doing a lot more at home.

It's awful... been there. You have every sympathy. You're probably depressed. Please go to GP.

This is so hard. You sound exhausted. Frankly your DP needs to do more to help.
You could do alternate nights - baby in room w parent and other parent sleeping in baby’s room
I would suggest DP does Friday and Saturday night but I see that you are back at work.
If Dp is in the room with her he will hear her when she cry’s.
You sleep in the other room with ear plugs.
This weekend send him out with her for minimum 4 hours - Saturday and Sunday - museum, coffe shop, drive in the car. It doesn’t matter. He does not come back for at least 4 hours. Maybe more. You sleep - in theory you should get 2-3 hours. You will feel much better.
Is her cot or mattress proped up a bit at the head end? That can sometimes help.
It sounds miserable but she won’t have a cold forever.
Have you considered a de brief with someone at the hospital. Her start in life sounds c traumatic.

Your DP needs to step up x

I went through very similar with mine. There isn’t much to say apart from they’re quite dark days and you are doing so well.

you probably could do with kicking your partner awake so he has to share the disruption because that’s the obvious thing here.

i co-slept with mine until she was about 18 months old though and that was the only way I could say that I was reasonably well rested, you’re up and down with them far less and mine always sleeps quite solidly when she’s catches up close to me. I think there’s an 8 month sleep regression so that might be bothering her a bit, something to be mindful of.

I struggled a lot personally not loving the baby stage, I felt like a shit mum and thought things should come more naturally to me but they didn’t - however, as mine got older I have loved each stage more. They say things don’t get easier they just change but honestly I found the toddler stage so so so much easier and enjoyable, and it’s only got better and better - I hope that gives you something to look forward to.

How the hell do I get an early night

Sleep training.

It worked for us. 10 minutes of crying on the first night and DS1 rolled over and slept for 12 hours. 3 minutes on the second night and he slept for 12 hours. Except for illness, he's slept for 12 hours every since.

First off - sounds like you need therapy. Getting separated from your baby is really hard and can cause a lot of trauma you might not even know you are carrying around.

Second, get your partner to help you.

Third, I’m sure you love your baby and your baby loves you. Being a working mum is bloody hard….but it will get easier.

You need to do some sleep training and your partner needs to be doing more.

hi

first of all this is very normal, my girl is now 13 months old and I go through days of hating motherhood too and needing to just breathe.

i loved the newborn stage, then the middle bit was hard and it still is now but she’s learning new things becoming funnier dancing etc she goes to a childminder 2 days a week and is walking I’m finding it much more enjoyable much more peaceful and now I get two days a week to be me it’s great. I know the next 12 months will be more fun than the last 12 and I’m excited to be able to take her to places and her understand more.

Her dad rarely helps me feed her or bath her the only reason he got up through the night is to go to the other room. He never put her to bed either that was all on me. Then I had to work which is only 1.5 hours a day Monday to Friday and he didn’t have to work so he had her 3 days out of the 5 and he grew some and actually smashed it all. Ever since he’s bathing her alot more the lot so please try and talk to your partner about it. I think mine didn’t realise how hard it was until he spent his week off at home with us both and was so glad when it came to going back to work haha!

you know what it’s the hardest thing in the world to do but the most rewarding. I love waking up with my daughter having cuddles and also watching her do the things she’s learned but also putting her to bed of a night and checking on her ands just being in awe.

i make sure my daughter stays in a routine which is dinner bath a little wind down time and then bed. I sleep trained her too so now when I put her to bed she just settles but she still wakes up through the night and 9/10 I will get her into my bed and then she’ll sleep till 7-8am!

just hang in there and honestly right I sometimes take a bath at 11pm just to have it in peace without toys being thrown in or her wanting to get in.

i also right I know it don’t work for everyone but I changed my jobs so now I go to work mom-fri 12-1:30 so I get that time to be me On a Monday and Thursday she goes 7:30-16:30 as before I’d work On a Monday and Thursday 8-4 which I knew still wouldn’t help my mental health and that’s it so maybe if you could I’d change hours or even jobs for now if it is possible to get more YOU time if the baby is being looked after while you work.

don’t be too hard on yourself the fact you wrote this shows your concerned and want better for you both

I’m sorry you feel like this. Sleep deprivation is awful. You are doing really well - you’re just exhausted and need a break.

You need to talk to DP to get some help from him. He needs to facilitate you getting a break in the day for you time and having a whole night to yourself for sleep.

Longer term solution for sleep is sleep training. My DD slept well until she turned 5 months where she completely regressed. Was like having a newborn again and I sinking lower and lower as the next couple of months went by where it got worse rather than better. Since sleep training at 7 months she’s slept 12 hours at night and I have to wake her from her naps in the day. She’s now 13 months. I wasn’t keen on the idea of sleep training but it really was life changing.

Sleep deprivation is really difficult, it makes everything seem awful.

You need to get your DH on board and taking care of his child a bit more than he is. The nights are not all your job, especially so now you're both working ft too.

Either split the week so you're doing half the nights each or split the individual nights so you're doing half each - one take up to 1/2am and the other take over up to 7am Give him the monitor and you sleep elsewhere if needs be. If he's on the first half of the night, you can get an early night and your food through to 1/2am. That's what worked for us in the early days.

You need your DH to step up and do his full share. Without sleep everything is bleak. I think not loving your baby at this age is perfectly normal — they’re just a bundle of demands, especially if they’re high needs. I don’t think I loved DS till he was a year or so. Ironically, after I’d settled back at work and he’d settled at a childminder. And it’s ghastly — of course you miss your old life! But it will come back. This will pass.

@Lavender1029 hi lovely what sleep training method did you use? I’ve sorted half the problem but she still wakes up at 12-1 to get into my bed which I really want to cut out. If you could reply or pop me a message it would be great . Thank you xx

She is a good sleeper she can sleep 7-8am! We had a good 8 weeks where she slept through. It's the past two weeks that have been awful with illness and teething. I did sleep train and have no problems doing so, it's just so hard atm with the cough she has. :( I got in at 5.30 yesterday, I put her down to bed, had dinner and got in bed. She was awake at 9pm coughing.

It's definitely taking its toll, I've randomly started getting hemiplegic migraines and somehow I've got Bell's palsy. I get heart palpitations too.

We do have a good routine, her last nap finishes about 4.15 and she has some dinner, has a bath (a menthol one recently), a bottle and a cuddle then I take her to bed.

I've tried everything - menthol baths, snufflebabe, splashed olbas oil on her bedding, a Vicks plug in, I've tilted her cot upwards. I just can't stand another day.

@Lavender1029 which method did you use? I used the magic sleep fairy book but I suspect now she's bigger, it's going to be harder after this period of illness and her only settling in my bed.

I just can't stand another day

well don’t. Tell your DH how bad you’re feeling and book into a hotel for a night and let him deal with DD. He doesn’t hear her because he’s not “on duty” when you’re there.

DP, OP - why aren’t you making him do more?

Thought you was single when I first started reading this, you have a dp problem.

Full time working, with a long commute, straight after an exhausting mat leave and with an 8 month old baby would be enough to finish most people off i think OP. Kindly, sleep is up and down during the first few years anyway, let alone adding all the (I assume) nursery or childminder bugs into the mix. I think you sound at breaking point to be honest. Is there the capacity in your finances to drop a day at work but keep your DD in whatever childcare she’s in? Alternatively, if you are suffering with hemiplegic migraines, a Bell’s palsy and palpitations maybe you should be signed off work for a couple of weeks. I know that won’t fix your issues long term, but it’ll give you more space and energy to tackle the key issues currently. Agree with PPs as well, you need to divide and conquer night wakings in future with your DP. You can’t sleep train a baby into never night waking again I’m afraid, so you need a better plan for both of you to get more rest.

Hun. I'm from the Caribbean, when my baby had a cough I boil one garlic clove, half an onion, half an orange tiny piece of ginger and add one teaspoon of honey ( IF BABY IS OVER A YEAR OLD REGARDS TO THE HONEY) OR I would just put all in a mug and pour on boiling water,stir, leave to cool and give her teaspoon every couple hours. Works, and all natural ingredients. She didn't like it but used tactics to get her to drink it. Every child is different but it's worth a try.x

Lucky you, this is not most people's experience of sleep training though

Can you get your DP to do evenings and you go to bed early? Split the nights.

Does he get up with her in the morning so you can have a mini lie in?

I'm unclear as to why DP doesn't do more/anything