I hate being a mum.

[RainbowsLemonDrop]

I had my little girl 8 months ago, I didn't get that rush of love when I had her that everyone says I'd get. She was in respiratory distress after I had her, then rushed to neonatal. We came home she screamed constantly for 8 weeks. It got slightly better but now she's had a bad cold, which has now made her have an horrendous cough, plus teething for over a week, I've had to stay up rocking her for almost a week solid. She's slept in my bed the last 2 nights. I'm exhausted. I've never felt so drained in my whole life.

I don't want to do it anymore, I hate it. The constant worry. The endless to do list. I'm now back at work full time to add to the list of endless shit to do. Except last week I averaged probably 2 hours broken sleep for 4 nights, now she's still not sleeping properly and I have a 2 hour commute for the first half of the week. I can't even string a sentence together at work because my brain is so foggy.

I love her, she deserves better and I just want to disappear off the face of the earth because I can not face another night of this. DP doesn't wake up with her, he doesn't hear her and by then I'm already awake and I am already trying to settle her.

I miss life before all of this so badly. When I wasn't totally exhausted with no end in sight.

OP I hope that you are with someone that can help you. As @VivaVivaa said please go to hospital if there is no one else you can turn to.

I hope you're ok OP.
You sound like a wonderful mum.
It is so hard in the early days and sleep deprivation almost broke me.
I look back now and think 'why did no one offer to help me?' My family gave lots of sympathy but no fucker said 'I'll have the baby for a few hours for you'. I can only assume that I must have been putting on a brave face and pretending it was all OK, when I should have been asking for help.
Speak to your DP, your family, your GP. Things will get better.

@LongGreenSal I have my mum but she's recently been diagnosed with cancer also so isn't in the best health. I will definitely remember these times though and who offered to help! DP's mum lives down the road and not once offers to help, but has his nephews and nieces all the time. So annoying. :(

I wouldn't do anything stupid but it doesn't take away the fact that life is shitty at the minute. I probably do need to make a GP appointment, I cannot fall to sleep for longer than 45 minutes even when I don't have the baby. DP had her last night and I still don't sleep.

Please see your GP today. Call in sick and see if MIL or DP will have baby for a few hours out of the house. You don't switch off when you can hear baby. You need sleep today.

@RainbowsLemonDrop have things improved at all?

DS1 has been ill this week and I've been sleeping on his floor the last couple of nights. It's not been much fun, but knowing it's an occasional thing certainly helps me cope with the lack of sleep.

Did you see a doctor?

@ThisGirlNever Sorry to hear your little one has been unwell - it's brutal, isn't it? I felt like it was never going to end.

I did go to the GP, I have postnatal depression. I knew I did from early on but I tried to muddle through. I've really not enjoyed life the last 8 months and I'm sad that I've been so unhappy, in what should be, the happiest time of my life (give or take!).

I couldn't sleep even when I wanted to but the GP prescribed me some sleeping tablets, only for short term use which is totally fine. It helped massively to get a few days of solid 8/9 hours sleep. Everything felt clearer after that.

DD was actual really poorly bless her and cut her first teeth (3 of them all at once!) but is back to her normal self now.

I've taken holiday from work this week and DD has been in childcare for the week too. I've slept and for the first time in a long time, just stopped and done nothing. Nothing at all. The heart palpitations have reduced and I've consistently taken my migraine meds which actually also treat depression too. I wasn't taking them properly because I kept forgetting!

I've gone part time and dropped Wednesdays, so I get a bit of a break mid week. I've acknowledged I can't handle full time work, commutes, plus trying to do as much as humanly possible for DD.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to me in my hour(s!) of need. I'm still not a million percent, a long way off actually - but I feel a million times better than I did. ♥️

Well done OP. So pleased to read your update x

I've been wondering about you and I'm really pleased to hear that you have had a restful few days and been and spoken to someone/taken the first steps to get some help. It is very hard having a young family and even harder when you are not well.

Looking back I hated that time and I was resentful of what my life had become. I felt like a failure. Things won't improve for you overnight but they will start to get better in time. It helped me to be very open with people about the PND so that they could have some understanding of what was going on. Sometimes it made for uncomfortable conversations but I think it is better if it's out in the open. Once people know they usually want to offer support.

I am lucky to live in an area where the mental health care was excellent and I owe my life to the people who at times went absolutely out of their way to care for me and protect me. I hope that you can find some similar support. I had to give up my career but different opportunities have since opened up for me. Put yourself first for now, you need to get better for your DD. Thank you for the update, take care.

As you've already said, getting some sleep makes a massive difference to mental health. It can turn a crap situation into one of true despair.

I'm glad you're getting back on top of things. Just keep getting as much sleep as you can. I'm sure in a few months this will seem like a bad dream.

** sleep deprivation can turn a crap situation into one of true despair.

OP, hang in there, you are going to be okay.

Honestly, it's the toughest thing but it does pass I promise. I had a similar thing to you with my son (he was born struggling and had to go straight to Birmingham NICU).

Because of that, I didn't have that big rush of love either. I mainly just felt like I'd been picked up in a tornado and dropped back down. I didn't meet him until four days later when I was discharged from hospital.

He had a long stay in intensive care and when he finally came home months later, I didnt have a big bond with him. I mainly felt the exhaustion of responsibility.

Now he's coming up to his first birthday and I love him more than I ever thought possible and his little personality makes me melt.

And crucially, he's sleeping through the night too.

Honestly, I wish I could give you a hug, I know where you are mentally, but it does get better. Xxx