I hate being a mum.

[RainbowsLemonDrop]

I had my little girl 8 months ago, I didn't get that rush of love when I had her that everyone says I'd get. She was in respiratory distress after I had her, then rushed to neonatal. We came home she screamed constantly for 8 weeks. It got slightly better but now she's had a bad cold, which has now made her have an horrendous cough, plus teething for over a week, I've had to stay up rocking her for almost a week solid. She's slept in my bed the last 2 nights. I'm exhausted. I've never felt so drained in my whole life.

I don't want to do it anymore, I hate it. The constant worry. The endless to do list. I'm now back at work full time to add to the list of endless shit to do. Except last week I averaged probably 2 hours broken sleep for 4 nights, now she's still not sleeping properly and I have a 2 hour commute for the first half of the week. I can't even string a sentence together at work because my brain is so foggy.

I love her, she deserves better and I just want to disappear off the face of the earth because I can not face another night of this. DP doesn't wake up with her, he doesn't hear her and by then I'm already awake and I am already trying to settle her.

I miss life before all of this so badly. When I wasn't totally exhausted with no end in sight.

This!!! You hear her because you listen out even asleep. He has filed the sound of his daughter crying under "not my problem". He needs to do more. Why should he be off duty while you are on your knees with exhaustion?

Is your DP likely to be open to a conversation about how he needs to do more?

Honestly full time work, commuting and full night duty is an awful lot to take on. Is there anything that can "give" here before it makes you seriously ill?

And I agree, it can be really traumatic when your baby has to be taken to NICU. Do you think you might need some help to process this?

My son was in the NICU when he was born and has a lot of issues. I wouldn't have survived it without my DH help. Please talk to him and get him more involved or maybe family members.
Wishing you better times x

Why are you doing everything? Why isn't your DP sharing the sleep time with you? You both need sleep, not just him.

The short term answer is split shifts. You go to bed as soon as your DP gets in. He does bed, bath and any wakings up until 1am. You're then "on duty" and do any wakings between 1am and 7am. If you can get a solid chunk of sleep in between 6pm and 1am, it will make a huge difference.

This is not on!! This set up is running you into the ground, no wonder you feel the way you do!

You now work full time - your husband absolutely needs to start getting up with your daughter, even if this means that if you do wake up, you wake him up and he goes to her. You need to split the night waking between the 2 of you .

I suppose he thinks that because you are the woman that it’s your job to do all of the child care, as he watches you run yourself into the ground. It’s just not on.

@Bubblesandme she's 8 months, I'll leave the honey but give the rest a go tonight! Thank you ♥️

DP did have her last night but she didn't really settle so I took her back at 2am. He works long hours himself. He does have her one night at the weekend and is very hands on otherwise - he bathes her, feeds her, will do the food shopping etc. I don't want to turn this into a DP bashing thread because he is a good dad. He just doesn't know what to do when she's I'll/screaming.

I did have last week off work sick (due to the migraines/Bell's palsy/palpitations) and I sorted childcare for DD so I could have a break. Then she came down really ill and she needed to be home. I just can't get in front. I'm looking at pictures of her little face and can't stop crying. I'm letting her down by being so fucking utterly useless. I miss her when she isn't here but then when she is here I'm so drained and stressed. 😢

I do need some help, I've had a shower and brushed my hair and I'm thinking I am genuinely struggling. She's my first baby and her birth was fine but she almost died. It terrified me. I remember running to NICU from the ward we were on and my legs were still wobbly from my eipdural and a long labour. I don't actually know how I managed to do that.

I'm working from home today, so I'll get an 40 minute nap on my lunch (hopefully) I just don't seem to ever fall to sleep. I can't just nod off anymore, it takes me forever to get to sleep. I don't have the commute today either.

Finances are going to be a struggle if I go part time, our fixed term mortgage expired and we had to fix another at almost double. Ugh. I am looking into this though because I cannot carry on like this.

We've only got two kids, but both were fine after a couple of days.

I think we were disturbing the boys with snoring, trips to the toilet, etc.

I'm not sure how you can be certain "this is not most people's experience of sleep training".

Have you tried it?

The OP is clearly struggling and sleep training could be a game changer.

When DS1 has been ill/needy, DH and I have taken turns sleeping on his bedroom floor - holding his hand while he falls asleep and being a reassuring presence in the room. We tried having him in a travel cot in our room a couple of times, but he sees that as an opportunity to mess around/chit chat/play up the illness/etc. We also don't want him to get into a habit of feigning illness so that he can sleep in our room.

@RainbowsLemonDrop - is that a realistic option?

You sound just completely overwhelmed and overstimulated and I’m not surprised you are getting poorly and can’t sleep. Whilst short term measures like sleep training are useful, I think you do need to sit down and see if/where there is give in the system, because, in my experience, childcare bugs and disturbed nights is something you are going to be dealing with for a good few years and you need a more long term plan for more rest. Maybe try and get a bit of counselling as well as it does sound like you had a really tough start - colic alone tipped me over the edge without a NICU stay to top it off. Antidepressants may be a good idea too - they take the edge of the permanent worry and anxiety most definitely. All the best OP

What time does DP get in from work? Can you do shifts? E.g. one person sleeps from 6pm until 1am, then swap? Means you each get a good chunk of unbroken sleep.

I mean it might be stating the obvious - you said you've tried everything but didn't list pain relief? Have you given her calpol and the correct dose?

does the cosleeping help? When poorly or teething I found it was the best way for us all to get some sleep, but she was breastfed so that obviously helped in that I could side feed her to sleep for comfort while I snoozed.
or I’d ask dad to take her and you sleep alone alternative nights each.

Your messages are very worrying OP and sounding horribly familiar to me. I think it's important that you stop what you are doing and speak honestly to your partner/health visitor/GP about how you are feeling as a matter of priority. Please make that call. I was finally diagnosed with severe PND when my son was 15 months and my daughter was almost three. Don't do what I did and try and carry on and pretend (to yourself and everyone around you) that it's not happening. Hopefully you will be fine but I think you need to put yourself first just now by asking for help for you.

@DaisyChain16 yes we tried calpol, but I her checked by the GP and he said she's in pain somewhere so neurofen is better. We give her the right dose but she's sick a lot from so much coughing.

Apparently when a newborn is on antibiotics (she was on them for 2 weeks, 4x a day) it ruins their gut lining of all bacteria, so when they drink milk that has lactose in it, they can't break it down and are lactose intolerant effectively until the gut repairs. She's fine now by my god the first months of her life were hard. She screamed constantly.

DP works 5.30am - 2.30ish and collects DD until I'm home from work, then I take over.

@Islafrog that is exactly what im doing. Pretending everything is ok, but it isn't. It really isn't. I keep sahib as long as everyone else is ok - it's all fine, but it's not.

I had visions of just ramming my car into a wall last night and the thought of not waking up again was such a relief. I wouldn't do it but I kept replaying that thought over and over.

@ThisGirlNever I can try it, I'll try anything at this point but when she's poorly, she goes to bed ok and then wakes up coughing, then crying and I'll pick her up and when I lean over into her cot to place her back down, she kicks off and starts screaming.

@Hatscats cosleeing has been helping, she's fell asleep on top of me but I can't relax - she might roll off and our bed is very high!

It doesn't help that my role at work is standalone - the pressure is immense.

I really feel for you, but PLEASE do not drive on such a bad night's sleep, especially that distance! Nothing is worth the risk.You could easily fall asleep at the wheel and kill or seriously injure yourself or someone else.I am really hoping you aren't driving your baby around in that state too.....tired driving is in my opinion as dangerous as drink/drug/phone driving, and it needs to be taken more seriously.I know a woman whose brother died because he was driving tired and put the car into a tree...it wasn't late at night either, it was the middle of the day.

Get your husband out of bed and make him get involved....you can't continue functioning this way.

Do you also think you may have PND?

You're not useless at all, your simply overwhelmed, under pressure and trying to do too much with too little.

Sit down with your DH, look at how you can cut back and make changes so that your family's wellbeing and your mental health come FIRST!

Remember...you are replaceable at work but not at home, you need to put your health first.

Sounds like a trip to the GP is in order as it seems you have unresolved trauma (understandably) from when baby was born, and I wonder if that is disrupting your sleeping.

OP please ask for help. You sound like you urgently need it. Please pick up the phone now and call your GP. I had similar thoughts to yours. These are not normal or someone who is just a bit tired/worn out.

If you can't do it ask a friend to help you take that initial step. They could phone or go with you?

I second a visit to the GP, you are traumatised from such a terrifying ordeal, l have been there, but did not go straight back to work. It took time and some processing but l recovered steadily.

There are some things you can put into place straight away;

Have a relaxing hour BEFORE you go home from work, go swimming/walking with music on/coffee shop with a good novel, snooze in your car with a relaxation app running, cry if you feel the need,.....do it EVERY day. DH will be just fine for an extra hour. Make it sacrosanct. Let go of the workday and just be in that space and time for YOU.

Have a meditation app you listen to when you get into bed, do it every night for a fortnight...they really help you to go into a good quality sleep, even if you are woken after a couple of house.

Tell DH what you have said here.

Tag team with DH on nights, he does every other night with you, come what may, whoever is sleeping goes into the quietest room, with earplugs in.
One bad night is not so bad if you then get a good night sleep the next.

This too shall pass ....one day soon it will all settle down and she will be back to sleeping through op..l hope you get some rest and help from the GP.

Your DP needs to stay up with the baby until 1am to let you get some sleep at the start of the night. Then you swop. Or you take a night each with the other one in the spare room.

@Rafferty10 I think you're right, I need to do something for myself for once. I used to love swimming in the morning, it will help my weight as well as that's piled on since DD was born.

I think it's important to remember that sleep deprivation is considered to be a form of torture.

www.theguardian.com/law/2014/nov/28/un-condemns-sleep-deprivation-among-us-detainees

It causes anxiety and psychosis.

I think you're very much feeling the worst of it.

Can any of your family help - e.g. your mother comes to stay for a few days until the illness passes or your mother takes the child to give you time to sleep for 14+ hours for a few days?

If that's not an option, DH needs to step up and start doing shifts. My husband used to do late and early shifts with the babies. He'd have them until midnight and then get up early (e.g. anything from 5:30 am). I'd sleep from 8pm until the baby woke in the night and then from the last nighttime disturbance until 9am (DH works from home).

Honestly op if you can find a way to take up swimming again you will start to feel much better....Please make it a priority.

I really don't want to be here anymore. Not a second longer.

I remember when DH came in from work giving him the baby and going to bed. 90 minutes later he woke me saying that baby had cried solidly. That 90 minutes helped

I'm sorry you had to go back to work full time so soon.

Are you safe OP? If you’re at the stage of feeling like you might act on this, please find a place of safety asap, even if it means taking yourself to hospital. If you are safe, please contact your GP today. Call in sick to work today and tomorrow and priorities getting help for yourself. Rest, if at all possible.