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Original poster

Too old to be a parent? Discuss!

51 replies

peskykids · 04/12/2004 20:05

Well, there's been some grumbling that we need a nice controversial topic to get us all shouting and venting our stressed out Christmas rage.. maybe this is it!

What do you think?

Biologically / morally / socially - let's see what views this topic throws up.... I'm listening!

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pinkmagic1 · 04/12/2004 20:47

I think it is OK as long as you are still biologically able. After which I think it is playing with god.

happymerryberries · 04/12/2004 20:51

I think the age that you are too old (or too young, for that matter), depends of the person, how fit they are and how mentally able to cope with parenthood.

I even think that the 'playing god' thing can be a bit of a red hearing. We play god every time we take antibiotics. And what about the women with an early menopause? Is that natur's way of telling them they are too old?

wordsmith · 04/12/2004 20:55

Well I had one at 37 and one at 42 which I thought was a bit old. Certainly didn't plan it that way. I presume you mean much older than that though!

FWIW If I had my time again I would ideally have had them a bit younger. I am quite mentally able, I think, but I do often find myself thinking 'oh don't be so childish!' about my boys, which is a bit daft!

I hate hearing/seeing people in their 40's described as 'middle aged', though. That's me! And I'm still young!

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80sMum · 04/12/2004 21:50

I suppose there has to come a point when a person is just physically not up to it. But that is very variable. The ideal physical age for pregnancy and childbirth is apparently between 18 and 25. Mentally, I should think it's probably a lot older than that.

Poo2 · 04/12/2004 21:53

Dunno about that 80's mum. Had my 1st at 25 and, I have to say, I am doing a rather fine job of it. But maybe I am the exception that proves the rule. Certainly round my way, most women my age are grannies by now!

xmascaroltygirl · 04/12/2004 21:58

I agree with happymerryberries - don't think it's so much the physical age as the psychological age, both from your own point of view and that of the child(ren).

I wasn't an older mum myself, but was the child of older parents - my mum was 40 and my dad 50 when I was born, which was a lot more exceptional then (35 years ago, in N. Ireland) than it is now.

I have to say that I did suffer as a result. When younger this was mainly embarrassment that all my friends had mums in their 20s and 30s and my own parents were constantly mistaken for my grandparents. But when I got older, the problems arose from the much "older" attitude that my parents had. They simply weren't prepared to make concessions for the fact that they had an adolescent daughter at the same time that they were starting to see themselves as "elderly" - for example, they decided to retire to a cottage in the middle of nowhere with no phone when I was 13 and just starting to want to do things with friends. I remember sitting there one Sunday afternoon, all by myself, with both my grey-haired parents sat dozing on either side of the fire in slippers and cardigans, and thinking that this simply wasn't right.

I'm not against older parents at all, though - but if you're going to go for it you have to be prepared to stay "younger" in attitudes for longer.

80sMum · 04/12/2004 21:59

Beat you, poo2. I was 22!

JJ · 04/12/2004 22:06

wordsmith, you said "but I do often find myself thinking 'oh don't be so childish!' about my boys, which is a bit daft!" - that describes me perfectly! I had my two at 26 and 30, so it's not an age issue, just the way we are. Don't know that it's so horrid. Everything like that has a flip side.. maybe it'll help us when they're ready to be on their own?

janeyjinglebops · 04/12/2004 22:18

I was 34 and 36 with my 2 and tbh I wasn't ready to have children before this. I spent my twenties partying and travelling - I would have considered having a baby then a complete disaster. In fact I was one of those who used to say that I would never have one!

Poo2 · 04/12/2004 22:24

Am sure a lot of having kids is to do with meeting the right person, no matter what your age. Even if that person eventually turns out to be the wrong one IYSWIM. I was never that struck on kids, but then met dh and realised it was the most natural thing in the world. I was 19 when we got together, and I had already put myself about enough, so was happy to settle down. Am dull old fart really.

janeyjinglebops · 04/12/2004 22:26

poo2,
I also met my dh when I was 19, it took us 13 years to get married and then another 2 before we had our first baby! Don't like to rush into things me!

wordsmith · 04/12/2004 22:28

My dh was 40 when our first was born and I know he had real issues about being an 'old dad'. In fact he looks at least 8 yrs younger than he is and certainly acts it (don't mean that in a derogatory way!). I think it's swings and roundabouts re the age thing, One of my best friends had her 2 kids before she was about 25 and now at 43 has a 24 yr old and 18 yr to whom she can still relate! (hope I can relate to mine when they're that age - I'll be in my early 60's!). What really freaked me out last year was receiving an email from an old schoolfriend (same age as me) saying she's become a grandma! I know that's not TOO unusual at 41, but I had just become pg for the second time and found it all very very weird!!

I suppose it's not really age but attitude that determines how you'll be as a parent. We have nieces and nephews with kids of their own and listening to them talk they seem a LOT older than us!

janeyjinglebops · 04/12/2004 22:30

Yes when I was pg last year one of my colleagues was due to be a gran at about the same time I was due, and she is the same age as I was. Scary.

spacedonkey · 04/12/2004 23:26

I did feel a pang of disapproval at seeing Des O'Connor had had a baby at whatever age he is - 70-something. Is that wrong?

MariNativityPlay · 04/12/2004 23:42

xmascaroltygirl at the retiring to middle of nowhere! My parents were not much younger than yours when I was born, but without being undignified (my mum went grey at 25 and didn't bother to dye for a start) and embarassing, they stayed young enough at heart for my dsis and I to get well into our 20s before we properly clocked our parents were a lot older than most of our peers'.
What I regret is that we have repeated the pattern so that my parents are 75 and 79 as our small children are growing up. They love them to bits and do all that they can, but physically it is not easy for them. I do find myself hoping that dd and ds will get down to business in their 20s...

wickedwinterwitch · 05/12/2004 08:45

Marina, me too re hoping my children will reproduce while I'm still around to love my grandchildren.

TwasTheNightBeforeCatbert · 05/12/2004 08:54

As for Des O'Connor... I think it is slightly getting into the realm of the outrageous. Imagine your father being 80 at your 10th birthday party... Just him being Des O'Connor would be bad enough... (!)

gscrym · 05/12/2004 09:10

I'm the kid of an older parent (kindova). My dad is 74 and I'm 32. Not on the Des scale of things and probably on a par with a lot of the parents on here. It wasn't really the norm when I was born from what my mum has said. I think it all depends on the individual. I know some younger parents who do less with their kids than older ones. I think it can be quite true that your biological age is different to your mental age (DH - 36, going on 6 or a bad day 17 and a half).

motherinfestivemood · 05/12/2004 09:44

Well, I feel a bit icky about Des O'Connor but will freely admit that is related much more to his Desishness (and determined Youthfulness in a rather leathery way) than his age.

Not sure I agree about 'biologically able', in that fertility is such a lottery. Some women find it incredibly hard to conceive at 35. Others get pregnant with no problems, far later than that.

Myself, I think I'd have done a far worse job if I'd had the Inferiorettes at a younger age. (MI shuffles off to dye hair and scrutinise wrinkles )

motherinfestivemood · 05/12/2004 09:44

Well, I feel a bit icky about Des O'Connor but will freely admit that is related much more to his Desishness (and determined Youthfulness in a rather leathery way) than his age.

Not sure I agree about 'biologically able', in that fertility is such a lottery. Some women find it incredibly hard to conceive at 35. Others get pregnant with no problems, far later than that.

Myself, I think I'd have done a far worse job if I'd had the Inferiorettes at a younger age. (MI shuffles off to dye hair and scrutinise wrinkles )

motherinfestivemood · 05/12/2004 09:45

Sorry about that, am clearly losing faculties

oopsanta · 05/12/2004 09:52

Iam 39 (big 40 next month!) and have a 15month ds and an apple pip (just read that's how big he is today) due next august. DH is 49.
My parents are 75 and 78 this year. I don't think I noticed how old they were really when I was little, as a teenager they "just didn't understand" but then I suspect that is the norm anyway.
I hope my kids won't see me as a real drag. i think the world is different now- people are allowed to do pretty much what they want, there's no real tutting if you decide to go yo glasonbury at 70yrs old. In previous generations I think the grown ups had to be grown ups and not be childish with their kids.
I, for one am looking forward to jumping up and down on the bed with my littlies, my mum and dad never let me do that (note- must buy reinforced bed)

aloha · 05/12/2004 09:58

The 40ish people I know with young kids seem younger to me than those without children. I would personally much rather have a baby at 41 than be a grandma - that would really make me feel old!
I've said this before but I suspect that along with the normal reasons for late motherhood (didn't meet dh until I was 35, for example) I also saw my mum have kids in her early 20s and it did have a very bad impact on her life and career, which wasn't exactly an incentive for me.

Original poster
peskykids · 05/12/2004 11:08

I was really interested to hear the experiences of people parented by what might be considered much older parents. I suppose it's a question of personal outlook - I know some very fogey-ish 30yr olds. Everyone's upbringing is unique and I guess we shouldn't demand contemporary-nes as a pre-requisite to being a parent? So what if you stand out from your peers - plenty of people have parents who stand out for whatever reason..

But at what age would you say that you are too old if you factor in how long you would expect to be around for a child? For example: what if you father a child at 65? It's not impossible, you might well have a partner who's 40 - but how long is dad going to be around for that child, or around in a 'good health' kind of way? And should that be any kind of influencing factor in your decision. Is having 2 parents for as long as poss (or even in the first place?) the prefereable option for EVERY child?

And what about where getting pregnant isn't biologically possible for medical reasons, but ivf or adoption opens up the possibility? Should we judge people by age? Is it a right to have children, or should the child always come first?

OP posts:
oopsanta · 05/12/2004 11:21

talking about fathering a child at 65- my neighbour has done jsut that!
Well, he is 64 and has a lovely girlfriend from souht america. She stayed for a little while last year and has now apparently e-mailed him to tell him she is 4 months pg!
The scandal!
He is a bit worried I think, but seems to be ok. I'm not sure if he will hove over there or she will come here.
Very very for him. My dh is feeling better about his own age though.