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Parenting

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Original poster

Too old to be a parent? Discuss!

51 replies

peskykids · 04/12/2004 20:05

Well, there's been some grumbling that we need a nice controversial topic to get us all shouting and venting our stressed out Christmas rage.. maybe this is it!

What do you think?

Biologically / morally / socially - let's see what views this topic throws up.... I'm listening!

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Original poster

peskykids · 05/12/2004 11:27

Sure, biologically men can and do father children at that age - but let's be controversial and debate whether we approve or not! Is it irresponsible to father a child at that age when average male 'healthy' life expectancy in the UK is 67, with full life expectancy 76. So that indicates that the child will have a dad until they're 11 or so. Is this good enough? (Obviously a dad of any age could be run over by a bus but he doesn't have the same age related issue sa 65 yr old has). And what does this mean for a women who has amuch older partner?

OP posts:

spacedonkey · 05/12/2004 11:34

I do feel it's irresponsible to have a child when the chances are you will die before they reach 18.

joashiningstar · 05/12/2004 11:39

Had my first at 17, second at 20, third at 26 and recently got another by proxy at 39 (GS) - now 41 and although better equipped emotionally and mentally now - took about a year before I stopped being knackered. Don't think 41 is old - but physically it's not as easy as when I had my own. However, that might be beause I had totally switched off to the idea of having any more children and wasn't ready for GS.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

joashiningstar · 05/12/2004 11:40

DD1 recently left home - if GS leaves at same age I will be 63 - now that's scary.

noddyholder · 05/12/2004 12:34

My dp and I are still debating another I am 39 and he is 44 He feels he is too old but would still like one We are in a dilemma although I am going to show him this thread tonight as we have decided that we will make a final decision by xmas and that will be the end of it

JanH · 05/12/2004 12:44

We have a friend who had a second family when he was in his late 40s - his sons are now 22 and 20, he is approaching 70 I think, I know he celebrated getting his bus pass a few years ago - and he is one of the most energetic, dynamic, fun people we know.

He whizzes around town on his pushbike all the time, whatever the weather (only uses car to go further afield), remarried again about 5 years ago, and regularly visits friends all over the world (has just come back from a trip to NY).

As others have said, age is much more a psychological than a physiological issue.

tatt · 05/12/2004 14:05

think I'll start a new thread about when are you too young to be a parent.......I'm beginning to think I'm too old to be a parent as I'm feeling very ancient today. My children certainly get rude comments about my advanced age but OTOH they benefit from living in a much nicer house than we could possibly have afforded when we were younger. I also have far more time for them. The rude comments come mainly from the daughter of the single parent whose dad never sees her. So I tell mine there is a lot of jealousy there.

If you stop having children because you worry about how long you will live should the terminally ill also stop having children or is it still acceptable to want to leave someone behind?

suedonim · 05/12/2004 14:53

My dad was quite old when I was born, 48, and my mum was 28. As a child, my mum seemd old compared to other mums (she was called an elderly primgravida on her mw notes!) but it never crossed my mind that my dad was old. Everyone's dad was fogeyish in the 1950's/60's! Dh was 51 when dd2 was born but he isn't an 'old' person. But then I think there's no comparison between people who were 50, say, 40yrs ago and are 50 now.

RudolphCAM · 05/12/2004 17:18

I think I'm far too old to have a 7 year old but she has a lovely life so that's all that matters!

ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 05/12/2004 17:25

If you can do it biologically and unassisted, I don't think any age is too old. What I mean is, nature provides its own natural time barrier. I don't like the thought of people beyond child-bearing age having IVF or whatever in order to conceive. There you go, I don't mind sticking my head on the block. Of course, this really refers to women. Men is another issue. Bit tricky that because nature does not provide a cut off point. It seems a shame that a man should have a child and not have a reasonable expectation of seeing it grow up, but of course plenty of men don't see their children grow up because they die prematurely young.......

Original poster

peskykids · 05/12/2004 17:40

Ooh - tatt has made a real good 'un. If one thinks there is an age cut off to be an acceptable parent, because of leaving a child behind - what about having a child when terminally ill? Is that irresponsible? Or is it your right? What need is being satisfied - that of the adult or the child?

OP posts:

happymerryberries · 05/12/2004 18:01

My dh has a chronic, potentialy life threatening cancer. Should I tell him to push off and divorce him so that I can find a 'healthy' replacement for my children?

JoolsTide · 05/12/2004 18:24

agree with pinkmagic1 (post 2)!

jane313 · 05/12/2004 18:31

My mum was 35 when I was born in the 60's and she used to lie when telling me how old she was (because I used to tell children at school). But I never knew she was older than the norm and she had a much younger outlook than most of my friends mothers.

Surely having children older is what used to happen before widespread contraceptive use? Women used to have children as long as they could until they stopped having sex.

dot1 · 05/12/2004 21:16

My Dad was 25 when he had me, but 50 when he had my step sister and 52 when he had my step brother. They're coming up to 10 and 8 now and he's going to be 60 in February! It feels weird as I'm a Mum myself now - all mixed up age-wise. But he's still a complete kid himself and acts just as immaturely as he did when we were kids (note I'm not saying whether this is a good or bad thing...), e.g. whizzing up the M4 on a motorbike dressed in a T-shirt and shorts (and bike helmet!).

He says he loves having the last 2 kids but he does feel a lot older - he's definitely less patient with them - shouts a lot more, but then he's also their primary carer - his wife works full-time and he's primarily a stay at home Dad, whereas he was working full-time when we were kids so he probably never realised how hard it is to look after kids..!

I'd say for me, being 36 with 2 little ones is old enough - I just haven't got the energy to keep going and have more - dp's the same - we're too exhausted to go through the first 3 months of hell again...

tatt · 06/12/2004 05:32

thank yoou peskykids - no I'll be even more controversial and say should you have children when there is going to be no father around? The single parent whose child makes mine miserable has a father who is totally irresponsible and it must have been pretty obvious to the mother he wouldn't be there for the child. Its worse than the father being dead because the child knows he ignores her.

Personally I think I'm not in their shoes so I'm not going to criticse someone who decides to have a child even in circumstances where I wouldn't.

merrymarthamoo · 06/12/2004 07:06

After yet another 5am start I feel 35 going on dead and am definitely far too old to be a parent.

ssd · 07/12/2004 11:22

Noddyholder, my mum was 39 and Dad was 45 when they had me. And I'm glad they did! I think if you're healthy and happy then go for it!

bundleofyulelogs · 07/12/2004 11:32

feel much more strongly re: young parents (ie too young, before they've done anything or even have the sense to look after themselves, never mind a baby)

RudolphCAM · 07/12/2004 12:54

I'm afraid to say that I was one of those as well as being a too-old one bundle

Original poster

peskykids · 07/12/2004 13:07

happymerryberries - would you mind if I asked whether you had children before or after your parter's diagnosis? And if before, would this have made a difference? (Tell me to shove off if you like - I'm just wondering about thought processes.)

I suppose I'm wondering about knowingly subjecting a child to the 'early' loss of parent (through age / known terminal illness) and whether this is an issue? (Not particularly for you merryberries - this is merely an idle musing aloud..)

OP posts:

mishmish · 07/12/2004 13:14

my folks were 40 when they had me and just seem timeless somehow. They've always seemed wise and supportive, never old. They are fantastic grandparents now and they have so much to offer. I will never understand the labelling and lack of respect which ageing attracts in the UK. My Dad still walks 2 or 3 miles a day and was on the sledge last Christmas. Any of us could die at any time, leaving all sorts of things unplanned. Life happens as it happens, not everything can be planned or scheduled.

bundleofyulelogs · 07/12/2004 13:21

eeek, rudolphCAM, sorry to offend (I really meant the 13 yr olds, i'm sure you weren't one of them!)

Original poster

peskykids · 07/12/2004 13:22

Ah, mish mash, I don't mean that age should not be respected but is it someone's 'right' to have a child at 65? What kind of parent will they be for the time they are around, and how long can they realistically be planning on being around for? Yes, anyone can be run over by a bus, but a 40 yr old is not at risk from age related stuff in the same way that a 65yr old is. So what about the child as it gets older. How important are one's parents when you're 20 / 30? Do they still have a vital role to play and by being an older parent are you denying your child this?
(I don't necesarily subscribe to these views, but I think it's interesting to discuss.)

OP posts:

RudolphCAM · 08/12/2004 14:23

not at all bundleoyl, no offence taken.
peskykids, a question for you: are you researching something and is this a media request (apologies if I'm wrong)

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