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Original poster

So resentful of partner

65 replies

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 19/01/2023 20:42

I know IABU but I’m so resentful towards my partner. I’m in my seventh month of mat leave and I haven’t loved it - I have struggled with no family around, anxiety making new friends and the loss of identity. I was on a reasonable salary before and now I have to ask DH for money which has created a dynamic I’m not comfortable with.

DH is a really good dad and a good person - my baby girl is a sweetie pie and a “good” baby (whatever that means) so I’ve had a relatively easy ride with her. My problem is I’m just so angry with DH all the time - he goes to work at half 7 and comes back 12 hours later and I feel like he leaves me.

I know I am being unfair and irrational - I am just so bloody tired all the time and weaning etc is all on me (I get it -‘I’m at home and it’s my job as he is at work but I feel really on my own with it). I get out with my baby twice a day sometimes and go to classes but when I come home sometimes the quiet of the house is unbearable. I have made Mat friends but none of them I feel I can talk to about this type of thing - it’s all quite nicey nice. Today I just called my mum and cried down the phone at the thought of 8 hours on my own with the baby.

I feel terrible for feeling like this and for treating DH poorly but I genuinely feel miserable. I pretty much cry everyday and sometimes just feel so trapped. In contrast to all this I have been told I am a good mum - I love my baby and put all my energy into making sure she’s okay.

not sure what the point of this post is really. I suppose a bit of a cry for help.

OP posts:
Itsbeginingtolookalotlikechristma · 19/01/2023 20:49

So sorry to read this.
I think you may have postnatal depression .

Lal33 · 19/01/2023 20:49

I haven't any advice, just wanted you to know I'd heard you.

💜

Have you spoken to GP or health visitor about how you're feeling? And your DP?

PrincessCalley · 19/01/2023 20:57

Sorry you're feeling like this OP. I have to admit I felt similar when I had my oldest. She'll be 10 this year. I didnt enjoy my maternity leave at all. I went back to work after 6 and half months and I started to feel more like myself. However it took a lot longer for my relationship with my husband to recover. We hit a rocky patch that probably started when I was off and my moods didn't help.

I would advise you to talk to him and explain how you are feeling and to make time for yourself during the week or at the weekend. An hour or 2 to do something you enjoy will help you feel better. We didn't communicate enough and he didn't understand how I felt. To me my life changed over night where as his continued on as normal. Definitely bread resentment. But thankfully we work through it and it all turned out fine. I hope the same happens for you! 💐💐💐

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alwaysraining123 · 19/01/2023 20:59

Dino - I am so sorry you feel like this. I don’t know if it’s any help but I remember feeling exactly the same during my maternity leave. I used to cry when my partner left for work and felt so lonely, tired and sad all day. I was then highly irritable when he came home. Honestly for me it didn’t pass until I went back to work. Small things to do myself (as well as looking after my baby) helped- listening to the radio and podcasts, finding a project (I took up patch work quilting), cooking and planning holidays! The feeling won’t last forever I promise and you’ll probably miss these days in a few years. 💐

Original poster
Dinosaurhearmeroar · 19/01/2023 21:02

Thank you everyone for your responses ❤️ I am going to do to the doctor. It’s heartening to hear that you got through it - there is hope. 🕊️

OP posts:
irbeagb88 · 19/01/2023 21:08

I don't think you necessarily have PND. I just think that people don't tell you what a lonely old job it can be until you're in the thick of it. It's like you don't really consider what you are going to do for hours on end with a baby at home all day. And then it hits you. It's hard, especially with your first. I was the first one of my friends to have a baby too and it was a lonely place to be in.

The thing with work is that whilst it's 'work' it's also a social experience with other adults. I don't think husbands/partners always think of it like that. And, like you say, baby classes can be great, but it's often very 'nicely' and people are too scared to admit how they feel sometimes.

I have no advice OP, other than to say keep getting out as much as you can and make sure your DH takes the baby for a time at the weekend so you can have some you time. Time to breathe. I'm sure you are doing an amazing job!

YoBeaches · 19/01/2023 21:14

Why do you have to ask DH for money? Don't you have a joint /accessible
Bank account?

Being at home with a baby doesn't suit everyone. So before you feel resentful of him going out to work every day, would you like to go back to work? Are you going back to your old job? What are your plans?

MGee123 · 19/01/2023 21:16

Go back to work - honestly, revolutionary for me. Maternity leave was so monotonous, lonely, boring. Working and parenting is exhausting but at least I'm never bored!

KangarooKenny · 19/01/2023 21:16

Can you go back to work early ?

Beamur · 19/01/2023 21:18

Can you go back to work? It's not a rule that you have to take the full year.

Ember90 · 19/01/2023 21:21

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allfurcoatnoknickers · 19/01/2023 21:22

I cut my mat leave short and went back to work early. It was great - maternity leave felt like groundhog day. I was so, so bored.

MsFrog · 19/01/2023 21:26

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This is completely unnecessary and unhelpful.

I also felt like this after my first baby, OP, I think it's very common. I'd echo other posters and say try to have an honest conversation with your husband and think about how you can have a bit more life outside being a mam. Sounds like you're doing a great job, but it's hard and boring and it's ok to not enjoy mat leave. Good luck x

CTR1000 · 19/01/2023 21:27

You’re not alone - I didn’t enjoy my mat leave. I’ve been back at work for about 3 months now and have started to feel a bit more like my old self again. I found it so so difficult to tell anyone that though - especially hanging around with Mums discussing how they were dreading the return to work.

I’d honestly think about going back to work a bit early if it’s a viable option.

MarmaladeCrumpets · 19/01/2023 21:29

Do you get some babyfree time at the weekends? If not can you make that happen? Committing to something like a weekly yoga class might help to make this happen.

Also it seems like you need to address the money issue with your husband. You should not have to ask for money from him. He either needs to give you a set amount that you have both agreed on or you have access to a joint account. It's demoralising having to ask, I'm sure he doesn't ask you to do every task that you are currently doing for your baby. You just get on with it. So the same should apply for him providing for you now.

Sunnydayz · 19/01/2023 21:32

you shouldn’t have to ask for money
you should both have an equal or agreed amount of spending money each month after bills are paid

pompei8309 · 19/01/2023 21:37

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 19/01/2023 20:42

I know IABU but I’m so resentful towards my partner. I’m in my seventh month of mat leave and I haven’t loved it - I have struggled with no family around, anxiety making new friends and the loss of identity. I was on a reasonable salary before and now I have to ask DH for money which has created a dynamic I’m not comfortable with.

DH is a really good dad and a good person - my baby girl is a sweetie pie and a “good” baby (whatever that means) so I’ve had a relatively easy ride with her. My problem is I’m just so angry with DH all the time - he goes to work at half 7 and comes back 12 hours later and I feel like he leaves me.

I know I am being unfair and irrational - I am just so bloody tired all the time and weaning etc is all on me (I get it -‘I’m at home and it’s my job as he is at work but I feel really on my own with it). I get out with my baby twice a day sometimes and go to classes but when I come home sometimes the quiet of the house is unbearable. I have made Mat friends but none of them I feel I can talk to about this type of thing - it’s all quite nicey nice. Today I just called my mum and cried down the phone at the thought of 8 hours on my own with the baby.

I feel terrible for feeling like this and for treating DH poorly but I genuinely feel miserable. I pretty much cry everyday and sometimes just feel so trapped. In contrast to all this I have been told I am a good mum - I love my baby and put all my energy into making sure she’s okay.

not sure what the point of this post is really. I suppose a bit of a cry for help.

So why don’t you go back to work ?

Squiblet · 19/01/2023 21:40

So sorry you're feeling this way OP. It can be such a difficult, lonely time.

That's a long day for your DH ... 9-6 with a 90-minute commute? Is there no chance he could cut his hours, or plan to take some parental leave so you could go back to work part time?

It might help if you remind yourself that what you resent is the shit situation you're in, rather than your husband himself. I mean it's understandable that you feel abandoned, but it's not fair for ALL your negative feelings to be focused on him.

What helped me was talking to anyone and everyone at the baby groups, with the goal of finding someone I could maybe open up to.

Also - could you arrange to go and stay with your DM for a few days, possibly?

minipie · 19/01/2023 21:42

Open up to your mat leave friends. I bet at least one feels the same way.

Things will get better as the weather improves and your DD gets older. Can you join more groups - any playgroups etc? I found mat leave was mostly counting down the minutes till the next time I got to see another adult Grin so joined as much as I could (though DD was a tricky napper and feeder so it wasn’t easy).

Also : joint account.

Can DH work from home at all?

AnnaTortoiseshell · 19/01/2023 21:56

Oh OP I feel for you! I don’t think that you necessarily have PND. Maternity leave can be so lonely and boring! Staring down the barrel of 12 hours alone with a baby is daunting. I remember when my eldest was born I was the first of my friends to have a baby, DH went back to work (frontline services) and then lockdown hit. No bubbles allowed, just me and the baby, all day, every day. No baby groups to begin with, either! It bred huge resentment for me as DH’s life seemed to carry on as ‘normal’ while I felt like I’d lost everything.

Things that helped. DD turning nine months - I felt like she suddenly became much more of a little person and I was getting a lot more back.

Talking to other mums. Do you have any close friends with kids? The mum friends you have made - I promise you they are struggling with their own stuff. I have never spoken to a mum with a young child/baby who hasn’t found the first year really tough! Speak to other mums. They are such a lifeline.

Breaking up the silence. Stick a podcast on every so often to stop it from being so quiet. Put some music on. Make sure you get out - even to do things that you would enjoy, rather than things just for baby’s benefit. It’s okay to do some things that you enjoy, it doesn’t have to be all about your DD.

And if all else fails, can you go back to work?

I promise, it gets so much better. DD1 is nearly three now and she is the most wonderful little human. I genuinely enjoy her company (when she’s not having a toddler moment that is!). DD2 is 9m and again I’ve really started to enjoy her now she’s gotten a little bigger. They get more fun the bigger they get, in my experience.

DuffLite · 19/01/2023 22:00

Is he working to pay for the household?

minipie · 19/01/2023 22:03

DD turning nine months - I felt like she suddenly became much more of a little person and I was getting a lot more back.

Second this. 9/10 months was a massive turning point. I’m glad I took the full year or I’d never have had this bit. (Although I did skip back to work at the end of mat leave)

AuntieEntity · 19/01/2023 22:09

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There were other ways to phrase this. It's a great shame you didn't attempt one of them.

BunchHarman · 19/01/2023 22:13

Get back to work. Seriously. I found mat leave a total slog. I have a lovely child, easy peasy, but it was all so tedious and I went back at three months PP.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/01/2023 22:15

Everyone says PND as if by default. It may just be you find the baby stage lonely and boring- go back to work if you can OP, you don’t have to love every stage. I cannot bear the toddler years !

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