So resentful of partner

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

I know IABU but I’m so resentful towards my partner. I’m in my seventh month of mat leave and I haven’t loved it - I have struggled with no family around, anxiety making new friends and the loss of identity. I was on a reasonable salary before and now I have to ask DH for money which has created a dynamic I’m not comfortable with.

DH is a really good dad and a good person - my baby girl is a sweetie pie and a “good” baby (whatever that means) so I’ve had a relatively easy ride with her. My problem is I’m just so angry with DH all the time - he goes to work at half 7 and comes back 12 hours later and I feel like he leaves me.

I know I am being unfair and irrational - I am just so bloody tired all the time and weaning etc is all on me (I get it -‘I’m at home and it’s my job as he is at work but I feel really on my own with it). I get out with my baby twice a day sometimes and go to classes but when I come home sometimes the quiet of the house is unbearable. I have made Mat friends but none of them I feel I can talk to about this type of thing - it’s all quite nicey nice. Today I just called my mum and cried down the phone at the thought of 8 hours on my own with the baby.

I feel terrible for feeling like this and for treating DH poorly but I genuinely feel miserable. I pretty much cry everyday and sometimes just feel so trapped. In contrast to all this I have been told I am a good mum - I love my baby and put all my energy into making sure she’s okay.

not sure what the point of this post is really. I suppose a bit of a cry for help.

You should be ashamed for this.

I felt exactly the same as you've described when I had my first child. I loved my son so much but I felt so resentful that my husband got to go to work whilst I stayed at home and it caused a lot of arguments as I was so miserable and snappy with him. I was lonely to be honest, I didn't make a lot of Mum friends and my other friends were busy at work! The days are long with a baby and not a lot to do. Honestly it took me going back to work after 9 months of maternity leave to feel 'better'. I needed that time to just be 'me' and mix with people. I didn't feel the same when I had my second child, I think because my eldest was also with me all the time and he was 2 by then and felt more like my little pal! You'll get through this OP

I used to cry when my dh left for work. He was always offering to stay but I'd just tell him to go, I'd be ok once he had gone, and usually I was. But I was diagnosed with PND when my eldest was about 18 months and things were much easier after I started taking medication. I would speak to your gp or midwife and see if they can help with that aspect. Who knows, of it is pnd and you get help you might find the other things easier. It is awful feeling so alone like this. I do hope you can find your way through 💐

I felt like this for most of maternity leave. I wasn’t depressed, I just found it very lonely, under stimulating and monotonous. I hate this automatic assumption that if a mother isn’t ‘loving every minute’ she must have PND. It’s okay to love your baby but not love the baby stage. I really enjoy parenting now DS is a toddler and I’m back at work. I hope you have a similar experience OP.

Not true I didn't have post natal depression and I felt the same bored lonely overwhelmed underwhelmed being on Mat leave isn't sunshine and rainbows for everyone it's monotonous

I had 14 months off and when I went back to work part time I started feeling much better adult interaction was a welcome change

It's hard for a partner to understand because we'll not a lot changes for them also some of them (my partner included) think it's easy being a home with a baby/toddler all day because of course we just sit round watching day time telly drinking tea 😂😂

I hope you start to feel better soon my health visitor was very helpful and understanding maybe try reaching out

I don’t know why it is taboo to say so in real life - not all of us love maternity leave. I haven’t enjoyed mine. I love my DD and there have been truly joyous moments but my god, this 9 months has been, for the most part, monotonous, lonely drudgery where I have often felt like I have truly lost my sense of self. I do not want the only adult interaction in my week to be “mum” friends where all we have in common are tiny babies that don’t do a lot and no one is honest about how hard it is because we don’t know each other well enough for that, while we cram buggies and prams into cafes that don’t want us there and all secretly hope ours isn’t the baby that will scream the place down until we give up and leave early.

I was due to go back to work but have cancer so now I’m on sick leave instead but DD has still gone to nursery for three days as originally planned (DH does compressed hours so he’s at home for one of the days and I’ll do the same when I go back) and even though I’m in the middle of chemo and feel rotten, having that time to be me and do adult things while DD has fun (and she is, I get tons of photos 🥰) is glorious and makes the time with DD special again.

I had imagined maternity leave to be lovely- finding new mummy friends and going to the park and for coffee or doing baby activities. Maybe just spending my days cuddling my baby. Instead I felt like it was Groundhog Day. My mothers group was fine but no deep connection. There was very few baby groups where we were living. I felt overwhelmed with looking after this baby by myself ( like you my husband worked extremely long days) and boredom with the daily menial tasks. I realised I just didn’t enjoy the baby stage and I have enjoyed being a mum more and more with every life. Stage. I also felt better when I returned to work.

OP talk to someone. What you’re feeling is completely normal and you need support

What sort of comment is that? You sound like a total bitch.

OP, I’ve had PND with both kids (I have two under two) and I don’t think this sounds like PND. The baby stage is really hard and not everyone finds it so joyous and enjoyable. If sounds as if you’re getting out daily but you’re struggling with the fact that it’s simply just you and baby every. single. day. I totally get that!

Are you able to go back to work earlier then planned as others have suggested? Or could you afford to put DC into nursery for two days a week?

Even if you do believe you have PND, most women don’t do something about it straight away. It’s actually quite difficult to realise you have it and that you need medical health. So don’t feel guilty by this prick’s comment that you’ve allowed it to ‘ruin’ your maternity leave. You’ve just had a fucking baby! All you can do is take it day by day and speak with your GP/health visitor to explore your options

I’d also suggest speaking to your friends that you’ve made on maternity leave. I also agree in that I don’t understand why these things are considered to be so taboo in real life. Not everyone loves being on maternity leave and having a baby stuck to your hip 24/7.

Today I took my DD to her toddler group and I got talking to a mum who has a 9 month old and a 3 year old. I have a 9 month old and 20 month old. We had a nice chat about how having two young kids is stressful as fuck and we don’t like it😂 I’m sure there’s someone who’d feel the exact same as you

Yes, it's a good idea to talk to your GP, maybe also the midwife - they have experience with this kind of feelings. I think you're doing great, so don't worry, you'll feel better soon now! I admire you for speaking up!

Go back to work.

I felt similarly on maternity leave. The days were aimless, lonely, and endless. I got out every day to baby classes and blah blah but it didn't help. I didn't make any friends and my NCT class didn't really gel. I remember finding ways to string out errands and do them as inefficiently as possible just so I had somewhere to go and some focus. I was on medication for PND, but looking back I think I was having a perfectly normal reaction to a huge, fundamental, difficult change in my life.

At eight months I went back to work 3 days a week until my baby was a year, when I upped it to 4 days. That was much better.

i feel like you have captured it exactly. Thank you for your words - I start work in March but will think about moving it fwd.

Read all these messages in tears (obviously!). Thank you so much for all your replies - some brilliant advice in there and I read every single one.

work begins in March but I might think about bringing it forward - I think even my KIT days will improve things for me.

It is interesting to see the opinions on whether it’s PND - some think it is, some don’t. And that’s exactly
how I feel. Some days I feel very trapped - i I feel regret (and then feel so guilty) and physical pangs for my old life. That’s quite often tbh. I love my baby and wouldn’t change that but the thoughts I have make me feel quite ashamed.

I think it might be circumstantial, as many of you have said, and a reaction to this enormous change - around 15 years ago I felt v low and knew I Would feel better when my circs changed. And I did. So I sometimes think this will happen with my baby and when I return to work.

I’ve also struggled as a feminist with this new role and the shift in dynamic between me and DH. We are not getting on at all but I do think it will get better as baby grows up and I’m at work - more parity between our roles.

im also exhausted. To my bones. That can’t be helping.

thank you again everyone. Xxx

Thank you - I love this message. ❤️

It is a massive shift and don't feel guilty about missing the freedom of your pre-baby life.
As a feminist - I hear you! Becoming a parent has really opened my eyes to lots of issues.

You know what helped? Absolutely losing my shit at DH and spelling out for him in detail how profoundly my world had changed while his trundled on mostly as before. That woke him up and he started doing more. What also helped: when I went back to work he had 2 months at home with the baby. Studies have shown that shared parental leave really helps parents be equal in the home and share duties. Is there any chance your DP could take some SPL with the baby?

This is a really good plan - you ho back to work a bit earlier than planned, and let you DH carry the load and spend more time with his child. A win for all 3 of you!

I think so many women have a baby and find a whole new layer of sexism that we just weren’t affected by before. There’s a saying on mumsnet - came for the babies, stayed for the feminism I can really relate to everything that you’ve said about the change in your life and the feminism and the impact that has on your identity, your well-being, and your relationship.

For me, it got better as the baby grew up and got more fun, and things evened out again between DH and I post maternity leave. We also had a lot of tough conversations about our relationship and we are on the other side of a lot of it now (and having had two DC we aren’t planning to start it all over again so hopefully it’s onwards and upwards). There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Op why do you need to ask him for money? Why don’t you have access?

This was/is me. For what it's worth, I don't think you sound depressed. You've had a monumental shift in your life roles/responsibilities and whether we like it or not, the bulk of parenting responsibility falls to the person on maternity/paternity leave. Finding mat leave boring and unfulfilling is not unusual, and frankly it's enough to make anyone feel pretty crap.

The parenting dynamic shifts once you are both back at work and you both have to readjust. However, having some childcare and some space/time to be you (even if this is just at work) is incredibly helpful. You can also get some semblance of life routine back and start getting back into things you enjoy which are for you, not your baby. I'm not saying it's easy, as working adds to the exhaustion, but psychologically it helped me massively. It made me feel like 'me' again and I had a purpose beyond keeping a little person alive and entertained! The person I was on maternity leave was a strange alter ego who I can't identify with at all.

Agree. I went back after 6 months with my dd. I worked three days a week and I felt much better. With dc 2 I actually had a year off as my dd was just starting school and I had established a group of friends by then which made everything feel better.

I know how you feel op. I would've done anything to be the one heading out to work rather than my husband some days.

Go back to work sooner if you can? I'm currently on mat leave and have brought my return to work forwards 2 months and I took 5 moths with my first child. My husband says I'm barely taking any if we have another and I agree, I find it very tough and would much rather be at work.

@astronewt ive just called him to suggest spl - I think it would help. Or me going back early or getting my KIt days underway as I get paid normal salary! I am weirdly possessive of baby (maybe that’s not weird? I don’t know!) so I would find letting go of being main caregiver hard, even though it’s taking its toll. Motherhood is a headfuck.

Go back to work OP. Get some mental stimulation. Smart adults aren’t meant to sit at home with no real company, purpose or task day in day out. You will feel better. Good luck.

I know your post will get backs up, but that’s exactly how I felt. Like my brain was totally unused, I was bored, I was unstimulated, I wasn’t learning anything, and I was sick to death of talking about nothing but babies to random women at random baby groups. I felt weird as they all seemed to so happy to talk about naps and nappies and weaning and other stuff I couldn’t give a monkeys about. I was just desperate for grown up company, tk use my brain, and to be into my full-on busy routine of work and exercise, rather than a trip to find Calpol plug-ins being the ‘highlight’ of my day 🙄.