So resentful of partner

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

I know IABU but I’m so resentful towards my partner. I’m in my seventh month of mat leave and I haven’t loved it - I have struggled with no family around, anxiety making new friends and the loss of identity. I was on a reasonable salary before and now I have to ask DH for money which has created a dynamic I’m not comfortable with.

DH is a really good dad and a good person - my baby girl is a sweetie pie and a “good” baby (whatever that means) so I’ve had a relatively easy ride with her. My problem is I’m just so angry with DH all the time - he goes to work at half 7 and comes back 12 hours later and I feel like he leaves me.

I know I am being unfair and irrational - I am just so bloody tired all the time and weaning etc is all on me (I get it -‘I’m at home and it’s my job as he is at work but I feel really on my own with it). I get out with my baby twice a day sometimes and go to classes but when I come home sometimes the quiet of the house is unbearable. I have made Mat friends but none of them I feel I can talk to about this type of thing - it’s all quite nicey nice. Today I just called my mum and cried down the phone at the thought of 8 hours on my own with the baby.

I feel terrible for feeling like this and for treating DH poorly but I genuinely feel miserable. I pretty much cry everyday and sometimes just feel so trapped. In contrast to all this I have been told I am a good mum - I love my baby and put all my energy into making sure she’s okay.

not sure what the point of this post is really. I suppose a bit of a cry for help.

Ahhh I remember those days. I look back quite fondly at maternity leave (but only because it was 8 years ago and I have erased the tough days from my mind!) It was really hard and monotonous though.

I had a year off with both mine and loved every minute of it

But everyone is different

I had lots of friends with kids and loved having people over and going out and about

I don't regret it at all

I went back to work both times and now I've 2 of them I find work a right juggling act to be honest it's really hard

solidarity, op. I’m 4 months into mat leave and though I go to groups, cafes, see family etc there is still always a large chunk of the day spent overwhelmed or under-stimulated. My husband is out the house 6.30-6.30. I’m starting to use kit days once/twice a month and have a part time return date for June which has made things feel a lot better. Hope you start to feel more yourself soon xx

I second sharing the year off. I actually loved mat leave (but absolutely no judgment whatsoever of people who don't - it's very personal) but I only did 9 months and DH did 3 months. It was fantastic. I didn't feel guilty going back to work because my DS was with his other parent, and it meant and it meant DH really learnt how to look after DS (so he's not one of those hopeless "what do we need in the nappy bag?", "does it matter if he misses a nap?" type dads) and they really bonded. The only downside is that DS was probably a lot more fun and engaging at 9-12 months than when younger, so arguably I gave up the funnest bit. It's been so good for our family long term though.

❤️❤️❤️

What’s the childcare plan when you go back to work? How will you both share this?

now I have to ask DH for money which has created a dynamic I’m not comfortable with

Sort this out straight away! You are married, you need a joint account where all money goes into and most of the spending comes from. Then 2 standing orders into your own personal accounts for the exact same spending money per month.

Yes yes YES to sharing parental leave with DH. But not off together - he needs a decent period of solo care.

I so wish we had done this. I truly believe it would have helped things be much more equal going forward.

I’d love that - I went to grandma and grandpas recently for a week (they live over 100 miles away) and hung out with them, and my sister who is also on Mat leave and lives up there. If that was my every day I would feel a lot differently I think. It was the company more than anything as I was main caregiver (dad at work down here) and it just felt a lot more relaxed. I’m going back up again before I go back to work.

There's a big expectation that all women want to take the full year of mat leave, but it really helped me to remember that this is only a cultural thing - in other countries women go back to work much sooner. I felt guilty that I wasn't really enjoying mat leave, but actually, I hugely enjoyed my baby more when I went back to work part time, and time spent with him was less intense. And it made me feel like life was resuming. Don't feel bad about this- women are expected to suddenly leave a full time career (often that they really enjoy or base a lot of their self esteem on), and be overjoyed about spending all day with a baby for a year. Its totally unfair and unrealistic. Figure out what might make you feel happy, and if that's being back at work (like it was for me) that's absolutely fine! And doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you x

My baby was also "easy".

I was so bored 5 months in, I marked hundreds of exam papers with glee! The next year, I was surprised to find it was a very tedious job. It's all relative.

I learnt something about myself - I need company, deadlines, a bit of stress, something intellectual to think about.

Good luck. Get the joint account sorted. Pay the nursery bills from it.

I felt like you. I didn't have PND at all but was just bored stupid. Get back to work. I went back at four and five months pt and felt 1000% better. I don't understand why you wouldn't if feeling this way.
Twenty years on and never a single regret.

Please call the Dr as sounds a bit PND.
On another note though, so many people paint May leave as this amazing rose tinted time with your baby and yes, it's lovely to spend time with your baby of course, but it can be so isolating. The dynamics of your relationship with partner change and your individual sense of identity is paused. It's really hard but I swear, you're not alone feeling those things. Just because new moms don't say it, doesn't mean they don't feel it.
All of that aside, and even feeling the way you do....sounds like you're doing a cracking job at being a new mom so don't beat yourself up, it's hard and you're fabulous. Xx

I remember feeling so bored with my first. Like you said, not having friends with babies was a real struggle and it's much easier now I have some. I ended up taking myself on mini breaks with the baby and just going to interesting places I'd never normally have time for.

I read an article once about the concept of post natal 'depletion' which I thought was a good concept. You are just exhausted after pregnancy and childbirth and then are thrown in at the deep end of a completely different life, with no time to adjust, very little help and a tiny person completely reliant on you. No wonder you feel like shit!

Your post really resonates with me as I found my first mat leave similar. Partner working long hours and relationship trying to find a new balance. I did all the things you are supposed to do and I still didn't feel like me. Lots of crying, emotional eating and wondering what the hell I had done! I started to get it together once I took myself in hand, started exercising again and eating better. This coincided with baby getting older and easier (around 1). I found going back to work both wonderful and tough at the same time.

Keep going, you are doing great. It will get better. Things will adjust and improve xx

Came across this post OP and I feel the same as you ❤️ Also back to work in April. The identity shift on mat leave is SO hard and I also feel resentful that DH’s life hasn’t changed as much. Such a whirlwind of emotions. Thank you to everyone on this post for your helpful comments and validation of these feelings xx