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Original poster

Parents of bullied children - why were they targeted?

72 replies

Username721 · 11/01/2023 21:51

I really hope the question isn’t insensitive. This is absolutely not for any victim blaming or excusal of bullying behaviour.

I’m asking because I have a LO who’s still a few years away from school but already has me thinking about stuff like that in their future!

Was there anything your child was specifically targeted for? When I was at school it was mostly the quiet kids who had a hard time because they wouldn’t answer/fight back, but I know things are far different now.

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 11/01/2023 22:12

Typically neuro diverse children are a target, anyone who doesn't fit in to 'the norm' but also it depends on the school, where I grew up the 'clever' kids got bullied as brains were seen as something to be mocked. At some schools it's the elite that do the bullying. The best u can do is support and love your child.

Nimbostratus100 · 11/01/2023 22:16

Targets dont cause bullying.

If a child is going to bully, he will seek out a target.

It wont matter if none of the options are "target material" - one will still be targeted.

Bullying does not start with the target, it is not caused by the target, it is not increased or encouraged or ended by the target.

It originates entirely with the perpetrator.

Handbagsandgladrags81 · 11/01/2023 22:22

Because she was so, so kind, lovely and always tried to help. The bully took complete advantage of this and turned her into a shell of a person. It was crippling.
I suspect the ring leader was so deeply insecure that she honed in on my DD and took her apart so she could feel a power she is lacking.

This is thankfully all in the past but it was brutal at the time. Bullies are hurt people who hurt people...they'll find a way to target, attack and destroy.

SolitudeNotLoneliness · 11/01/2023 22:25

Nimbostratus100 · 11/01/2023 22:16

Targets dont cause bullying.

If a child is going to bully, he will seek out a target.

It wont matter if none of the options are "target material" - one will still be targeted.

Bullying does not start with the target, it is not caused by the target, it is not increased or encouraged or ended by the target.

It originates entirely with the perpetrator.

Absolutely spot on.

weebarra · 11/01/2023 22:27

My DSs are neurodiverse. A bit quirky. One is ginger. They are both small - as am I, which is why I was an obvious target. I wasn't bullied after about s2 (14) as I was also very bolshy.
Sadly, the girl who bullied me took her own life a few years back.

Kanaloa · 11/01/2023 22:29

It can be literally anything. Generally bullies (a bit like abusers) are good at picking out people who are vulnerable in some way. I’ve seen kids (at my work) picked on for all sorts of reasons but it’s never really about that reason. Like a child might be picked on for having freckles, but if a popular and more confident child and freckles they wouldn’t be picked on. Because it isn’t really about the freckles, it’s about the bully scanning the target up and down and finding something about them that stands out and can be used to hurt them.

quietnightmare · 11/01/2023 22:34

Jealousy

fUNNYfACE36 · 11/01/2023 22:34

There's a lot of work you can do between now and starting school to bully proof your son.

Puffykins · 11/01/2023 22:42

I think DS was targeted because he was different. It started at Secondary, and we'd just moved out of London so he didn't have anyone else in his year he knew (also, Covid meant that the transition days etc. were cancelled.) Also, he's very bright and engaged and wants to learn, he didn't have a local accent, he'd recently finished cancer treatment and so had kept his hair long (he didn't tell anyone he'd been treated for cancer) and he's a bit autistic (diagnosed so) - which mainly shows itself in his having a lot of confidence (poss also because he spent nearly four years on a paediatric cancer ward hanging out with doctors and nurses and me and his father more than with other children.)

He was torn apart, literally. One day he was set upon by 8 kids who'd been lying in wait for him, the school caught it on CCTV. He hadn't even tried to fight back. The kids were suspended, I withdrew him, the school promised they could keep him safe - three weeks later he was strangled in a classroom. He couldn't breathe. His tie had to be cut off. That child was expelled. I withdrew him for good.

We got him into the outstanding and oversubscribed Catholic school, on appeal, and he has not looked back. He's super happy, and loves it, and has got loads of friends.

The children who admitted that they were trying to chase him out of the previous school are all from very chaotic and very troubled backgrounds. I've heard that two more from his year have been expelled since I withdrew him.

It was a horrific time though. But I agree with the PP who said that it's the bullies who make the victim, and not vice versa.

GoneToday · 11/01/2023 22:45

fUNNYfACE36 · 11/01/2023 22:34

There's a lot of work you can do between now and starting school to bully proof your son.

Could you explain in a bit more detail?

junglistmassive · 11/01/2023 22:46

fUNNYfACE36 · 11/01/2023 22:34

There's a lot of work you can do between now and starting school to bully proof your son.

I'd like to know too...

imnotwhoyouthinkiam · 11/01/2023 22:54

DS1. Because he was quiet, different, refused to be someone he's not just to fit in. Bullied for being posh (we aren't, he just doesn't use slang) I strongly suspect he's ND. Changed his school to one with a totally different demographic and he hasn't been bullied since.

DS2. Because he's bisexual. Because he's trans, even though he isn't. Because he's not sporty, doesn't care about fashion trends/designer clothes. Because we're poor, ie he doesn't have designer clothes/expensive watch/I don't drive. Because he's quiet, bookish and geeky.

Some kids are twats and will find any reason at all to bully others.

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 11/01/2023 22:56

Nimbostratus100 · 11/01/2023 22:16

Targets dont cause bullying.

If a child is going to bully, he will seek out a target.

It wont matter if none of the options are "target material" - one will still be targeted.

Bullying does not start with the target, it is not caused by the target, it is not increased or encouraged or ended by the target.

It originates entirely with the perpetrator.

Perfectly put. I could tell you the reasons my DD was bullied but people have also been bullied for the opposite things. Nothing a victim does (or is) is relevant.

Tunnocks2022 · 11/01/2023 22:57

DS is neurodiverse and kids spot difference. But he has good friends now too.

I was bullied for being tall, slim and clever. The ridiculousness of it makes me laugh now

Original poster
Username721 · 11/01/2023 23:14

fUNNYfACE36 · 11/01/2023 22:34

There's a lot of work you can do between now and starting school to bully proof your son.

can you elaborate on some of the work please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Username721 · 11/01/2023 23:19

Some really great points above, thanks everyone. Now that I have a child, I can finally see why people fret so much about their welfare at school. You’re all correct - the kids who do this will find something, anything, to use as a reason.

OP posts:
JoonT · 11/01/2023 23:28

I was bullied in my final three years at secondary school. Up to then I’d escaped. Looking back, the ringleaders did it because they were massively insecure and full of adolescent awkwardness, shame, sexual frustration and self-loathing. By humiliating someone else, their own fear and insecurity diminished. It made them feel better about themselves (make that person the loser and, in comparison, I feel good about myself).

Weirdly, it didn’t affect me much. It never escalated to anything violent, and I never felt hated or rejected. I also knew why they were doing it. Not that I forgive them.

unkownone · 11/01/2023 23:46

I was bullied as a kid for being fat, my kids not being overweight I thought we were safe. Kids will literally bully over anything. Primary wasn’t bad but high school eldest was targeted because she was happy, wore a bow in her hair, had stable home. Didn’t matter what. Poor thing copped it so bad led to self harming and eating disorder. But kids can be the most resilient people I know. She moved schools made new friends and did a lot of self help. All you can do is be there, for if something does happen and always let them know you’ve got their back and make sure they know they can talk to you about anything.

MaMisled · 11/01/2023 23:47

I was overweight and had braces. It was so, so cruel.

Orders76 · 11/01/2023 23:52

Funny, I was never bullied about looks and I'm not traditionally good looking, more striking but red head.
I was set upon for being clever and probably a bit neurodiverse

onwardandupwards · 12/01/2023 00:00

Because my ds is autistic, was small and very trusting,he was thrown into a table and ended up needing treatment in A and E, I withdrew him, home educated him, he's now 6ft 4, works out at home daily about to turn 18 and has not left the house since we got out of A and E 4 years ago, I hope one day he will go outside.

Remaker · 12/01/2023 00:03

IMO the biggest cause of bullying is that most parents spend a lot of their time worrying about their child being bullied and almost zero time ensuring they don’t turn into the bully.

Neither of our two have been bullied. I have always had my antenna up for any hint that they were being unkind. If they talked about another child being picked on I would ask what they did to help, and suggest what they could do in the future.

Nat6999 · 12/01/2023 00:19

Ds was bullied because he is autistic, quiet, polite & well mannered, in secondary school I suspect he was bullied because it was obvious he was gay.

BlueMediterranean · 12/01/2023 00:23

Kanaloa · 11/01/2023 22:29

It can be literally anything. Generally bullies (a bit like abusers) are good at picking out people who are vulnerable in some way. I’ve seen kids (at my work) picked on for all sorts of reasons but it’s never really about that reason. Like a child might be picked on for having freckles, but if a popular and more confident child and freckles they wouldn’t be picked on. Because it isn’t really about the freckles, it’s about the bully scanning the target up and down and finding something about them that stands out and can be used to hurt them.

I'm a teacher and I agree with you.

Very often bullies have problems at home and by bullying they feel powerful.

DrCoconut · 12/01/2023 00:23

I was bullied because my dad had died. The bullies started by ostracising me and then they picked on my appearance. My teeth in particular (I have an overbite and braces didn't work) and my clothes and hair. My mum couldn't afford expensive fashions and wouldn't allow me to perm my hair. The bullying peaked in year 3 (now 9) and then seemed to improve. Once I got to college it was fine, I got on OK with the others. It did affect my confidence a lot though. I spent a long time expecting to be laughed at and was very shy of strangers. I'm still not really a social person. In my adult life I have made peace with my worst bully from school days and it is weirdly healing. My DS is now at my old school and has no problems. He is the stereotype geeky kid - skinny, glasses, loves algebra and science but he seems to have found his people and all the sub groups seem to rub along rather than fight each other now, acceptance and tolerance is far greater.