Parents of bullied children - why were they targeted?

[Username721]

I really hope the question isn’t insensitive. This is absolutely not for any victim blaming or excusal of bullying behaviour.

I’m asking because I have a LO who’s still a few years away from school but already has me thinking about stuff like that in their future!

Was there anything your child was specifically targeted for? When I was at school it was mostly the quiet kids who had a hard time because they wouldn’t answer/fight back, but I know things are far different now.

Autism

It can literally be anything, even the bullies can turn on one another. Being able to demonstrate that you couldn't care less what anyone says goes a long long way. Any kind of reaction is gold to a bully.

I will say as parents we can help our kids by making sure they aren't wearing uncool clothing or have a bad haircut. Don't put your kids in Clarks or Skechers.

I was bullied because I was a high-achiever with a posh accent, and autistic - so seen as "different".

Every time I have been bullied whether adulthood or childhood has been to do with my disabilities or my interests. The earliest I can remember is me inviting a girl who had just lost someone to come and sit with us at lunch because I wanted to help her, my friends then made friends with her and stopped speaking to me because they were 'at capacity' and thought my disabilities were 'weird'...I was 8 years old. When I was ten I was picked on relentlessly for being partially deaf by the people on my table and when I told my mum eventually, the teacher put a stop to it. When I was 11 I had been doing really well sports and drama wise and won National awards, kids just continued to bully me for that. In secondary school I was diagnosed as Asperger's and social anxiety and really struggled, girls especially were horrible and untrustworthy, by year 11 I really suffered with my mental health and ended up entering an abusive relationship at 17 because I felt like he was the only one I could trust. Most recently I had an incident at my previous workplace where the team literally avoided me because of my autism, I wasn't given a workplace support plan, the line manager avoided me and the team would often mock me if I said anything or try to be nice to them. I really was shocked by these behaviours as I thought grown individuals in a professional setting wouldn't incite disability discrimination and act like that -I also witnessed them saying derogatory comments about an older gentleman on our team and they would mock his technical abilities and his communication skills as he like myself had a hidden disability, it made me uncomfortable and disappointed. I'm so glad I left there and work in my new remote role instead who have been nothing but supportive and kind.

Eczema
Disability
Neurodiverse
😥

As a pp said, people are not bullied because of something about them. Bullies cause bullying. Just the same as rapists cause rape and not short skirts.

I note a lot of the autistic children have been bullied.

My dd is also autistic, I dread to think of the damage he could do to another child if he loses his shit.

I meant ds. Fat fingers.

Completely agree with @bellamountain I've got 4 kids, no SEN, and pretty able to stand up for themselves, but they (the bullies) just decide to pick on one random thing, and that's that. It can be as ridiculous as having the wrong sort of crisps in your packed lunch, shoes, haircut, different accent, having too big a house, having too small a house, being clever, having braces, putting something on social media....the list is endless. It isn't generally because they are a quieter sort, although I do think SEN might bring it on for some. Regardless, all of this is made better if they have a few friends "their tribe" who can call the bullies out or at least rely upon to be their friend. If you, OP have a little one that is about to go through the trials of school life, please don't worry too much - most kids are not persistently bullied. The good things are a) the schools are pretty much on it now and most kids understand that bullying is really a bad thing b) you will know, maybe not immediately, but if you have a good relationship with your child, you will know, and you can do something about it. Just my experience, but my four had to develop a bit of resilience to life because I was so busy working that I could not spend endless time going through the "he said, then she said, and I am not being friends with her / him again" only to have them best friends again a day later. And I did send mine to school with Clarks shoes, value crisps etc, and now I don't because they are self conscious of it, but for a little one, I would definitely try not to worry about it until it is an actual thing. Hope this helps🌻x

Because of their name, because of their hair colour, their shoes, their clothes, their nose, the way they speak, the books they read, their abilities, their shortcomings, their interests, their disabilities, their differences, their backpack, their family, their car, their address

• ANYTHING the little bastards will latch onto to erode the confidence and happiness of the vulnerable child.

Bullies are bullies. They usually enlist a hoarde of flying monkeys to ensure that the vulnerable child feels that “everyone” thinks the same way. (Generally the flying monkeys are simply afraid of being targeted too.) Bullies know their “Rights” because they have parents who are exactly the same. They usually parent remotely, but back them to the hilt when challenged and will often threaten violence or legal repurcussions.

No not spot on. The bully seeks out the easiest victim. You do your child no favours by pretending this is not the case. Some kids are rarely if ever bullied. Some kids are easy targets. Bullies do not seek out and try to victimise kids who who will turn tables on them and makes their lives difficult. They are not stupid.

There's a difference between cause and occasion.

Bullies bully because they see in their victims the people they can't be. They see kindness, individuality, vulnerability, trust, sweetness. It is not safe for them to show those qualities at home, or they hear and see those qualities ridiculed by the people they depend on. They very likely have a domineering or neglectful or abusive parent.

They're trying to kill off the part of themselves that would be their own Achilles heel in a home where it isn't safe to be kind, sweet, an individual (very often gay or with extra needs) and in particular, trusting and vulnerable. It's a completely maladaptive response to completely inadequate parenting.

Bullies target kids who are different and kids who have low confidence or self esteem. Also not having protective factors such as parents or teachers who will help, and not having a friendship group or peers who will either stop it or teach the kid how to stop it. The worst is being a kid who is alone and doesn't know how to stop the bullying.

Agree with this. It's what I've observed too.

My dc bully didn't and does not have issues at home. Instead they are from an affluent home, both parents at home, sporty, they have parents who idolise them and can see no wrong, they are encouraged to take no nonsense from anyone and, along with friends and siblings, work as a pack to attack anyone that is an easy target.

They do it for fun, they do it as they feel invincible, parents defend them and praise them for their actions and school staff that daren't call them out.

There is no sob story to their background, they are just absolute little shits and enjoy what they do.

Bullies pick people for a number of reasons. They sense they are vulnerable in some way - a bit isolated from the pack e.g. neurodiverse or maybe neglected at home.

Interestingly several of the boys who were bullied at DC's school turned out to be gay. they were children (DS included) of whom the teachers said, 'I really don't understand why they don't have friends - they are so nice and friendly and easy to get along with.' I suspect there is an animal instinct that spots they are somehow 'different'.

Or it's because they are jealous - the child seems to have a closer bond with their parents or attributes the bully desires.

Most bullied children have something about them that isn't instinctively herd-animal, even if they try to pretend to belong to the pack.

All of this is just my observation. DS was bullied for three years until he punched his bully. (He is a very gentle character) The bullying stopped overnight. I honestly wish he'd done it earlier but he is very 'turn the other cheek'. My other son wasn't bullied - he was just rejected. Had no friends throughout primary and secondary until sixth form. This scarred him very badly. He is neurodiverse and just didn't know how to read social situations and make friends. Once the others were mature enough to see past this, they loved him and he is popular now.

True.

I was bullied because my mother was (still is) fat
and my parents owned their own home,not council (I lived with my grandad in a council house but that detail was ignored)
I was a child carer for my grandad as the adults where not going to get their hands dirty
my father had (still has) a motorbike
my mother made sure my hair was short and my clothes where unfashionable-most of my clothes had belonged to the bully’s themselves
they had a field day at me in their cast offs

my dd ended up at the same schools the bullies kids went to and the apple didn’t fall far from that tree at all
the bullies parents where the type (as a lot of parents in the 80’s where) what we’d call neglectful now-until the kids where hauled up as bullies and they’d defend them to the max

(the parents turned out the same but where more careful of their hands off parenting image by having high flying jobs/money/image/saying the right things and where very good at covering up their kids behaviour)

not that they where ever called out properly as the teachers didn’t give a damn back in the day-the attitude was that bullying made weak people stronger

my mother has a narcissistic personality and made sure the bullying carried on by befriending both the parents and the teachers and ignoring the bullying that went on in front of her

Being able to demonstrate that you couldn't care less what anyone says goes a long long way. Any kind of reaction is gold to a bully.

This hasn’t been picked up on, but to me this is so important. Bullies aren’t going to waste time bullying someone who doesn’t appear to care - even if they do really.

It's interesting to see that autism is a factor in being bullied. I was diagnosed with autism last year (after my children were diagnosed). I was bullied by my friends 😔

This was really poor advice for me when I was bullied at school. It just meant that I didn’t feel able to talk to anyone about the impact, teachers thought I was ok, and the bullying continued.

Mine was targeted at primary because he has red hair and no interest in football or superheroes. He has always been a complete petrolhead, with an encyclopaedic knowledge of cars since he was tiny (I suspect he might be a touch autistic), and the other boys in his single-form entry class were either cool football-obsessed kids with the 'right' trainers and haircuts, or superhero-loving nerdy kids. He was somewhere in between, a bit quirky but not in the 'right' way for the superhero nerds, and the football kids in particular, with one clear ringleader, made his life miserable for several years. I'm proud of him because he didn't try to be someone he wasn't to fit in - he's always been himself, and he now has a solid best mate to talk endlessly about cars with, who joined the school in Y6 and they've been inseperable ever since.

It's so hard. My older DS is not bullied, he is very academic and has a little group of equally academic friends who keep themselves to themselves. He understand social cues, which kids to avoid, how to build allies etc. The younger has so many issues, and although right now he is merely ignored, I'm fairly certain it will be much worse in secondary school.

I wish this were always true but not in the case of my bully. She came from a stable, loving background with wonderful parents. She and I were friends before we started going to the same school and we often used to play at each others' houses. We had known each other since nursery. I don't know why she turned on me and chose to make my life miserable but it started with her instigating writing horrible notes about me and passing them round the class and ended with me on the verge of ending my life over it.

I did pretend not to care - and like a PP, this meant I didn't tell anyone how miserable I was, just suffered on my own. Teachers did not pick up on anything and nor did my parents.

Children are resilient and I do have a good life but the scars and insecurities remain forever. When my DC come home and speak about other children being unkind/excluding, I always listen and explain to them how they should be kind. Which behaviours they should report to an adult and when they should go and play with someone else. They're still very young but I hope I am keeping the door open for them to come to me if they need to whilst also encouraging them to be kind people who are inclusive

Agreed, this didn't work for me either.

Something about this thread feels judgemental, as though the bullied have a responsibility for the cruelty bestowed upon them.

I was bullied as a child and I have had therapy, but the impact of it has haunted me all of my adult life and affects friendships to this day.