Parents of bullied children - why were they targeted?

[Username721]

I really hope the question isn’t insensitive. This is absolutely not for any victim blaming or excusal of bullying behaviour.

I’m asking because I have a LO who’s still a few years away from school but already has me thinking about stuff like that in their future!

Was there anything your child was specifically targeted for? When I was at school it was mostly the quiet kids who had a hard time because they wouldn’t answer/fight back, but I know things are far different now.

My 2 year old is an amputee and wears a prosthetic leg and I worry that he'll get bullied for it at school 😔

I think bullies target the 'easiest' children to them, I was bullied very badly to the point where I was physically beaten up in the toilets at 6 years old by children in year 6, I had to move schools - but I was a painfully shy child and would never have stuck up for myself, I believe that made me an easier target

some of these stories are awful - I’d go berserk if I found out DS had been nasty or bullied another child at school. Do you think the parents don’t know or can’t stop their kids behaviour? I don’t know any parents who would let their kids get away with it if they knew they were bullying! X

I was targeted as I was new and very naive. So for me making sure my children aren’t so sweet that they are unworldly is very important. My eldest is kind but no mug. Also making sure the kids aren’t desperate for friendships. You have to raise them to be able to cope alone sometimes as friendship groups change. My advice is never to rely on one friendship. You throw the net wide and play with lots of people.

Completely agree with this.

I would too. I think any decent parent would do whatever they could to ensure their child isn’t picking on anyone.

I’ve known a couple of people who are genuinely good parents, take interest in their child, give them all they are able to, teach them right from wrong but have still ended up with a bully on their hands. It must be really difficult to be trying your best but your child is still doing something like that.

The better question to ask is 'why did your child bully?'.

My dd was bullied and I can't think of anything in particular about her that caused her to be targeted apart from being clever and lovely and happy i herself. . The person who bullied her was from an unstable home and the people that joined in were overly concerned about being popular and being in the in crowd.

The main reasons are probably-
Being different from others and also the victim becoming upset and won't fight back (physically or verbally).
Maybe also if she/he is a bit of a loner I.e hasn't got friends for support to stand up to the bully.

The things you can do to bullyproof your child:

• encourage them to be physically as fit as possible. Doesn't matter if they hate sport and are dyspraxic - find what they can do and get them as strong and energised as can be. Puts some bullies off if you walk tall with confidence and look like you could punch their lights out even though you never would.
• get your child to stand up very firmly for themselves, even if this meets the disapproval of school and other parents.In retrospect, I would rather DS1 had been given a serious telling off in primary for punching his bully in Yr1 than waiting three years before realising the kid wouldn't leave him alone. We wouldn't have had coats torn, school bags stuffed behind sheds, new glasses tossed into undergrowth. He wouldn't have been pinned down and kicked in the head, had his friends lured away with threats they'd get the same treatment if they hung out with him. All this from a 'lovely boy from a lovely family' (ie richer than us) when I complained.
• choose a school with a genuinely active anti-bullying policy.

I remember a boy being bullied in the first year of secondary school. Another boy, that was much bigger, kept hitting/pushing him.

After a few weeks of this, his friend (also much smaller than the bully) stood up for him and there was a physical fight in the playground. The friend certainly didn't 'win' the fight and ended up walking away (maybe to cry), but that seemed to end the bullying completely.

It's a bit of a cliché, but standing up for yourself can help - bullies are usually cowards and don't want the risk of somebody actually fighting back.

It's basically anyone who isn't "average" or "the norm". So being overweight, red hair, shy, aspergers, freckles, "wrong" kind of non uniform clothing/trainers, wrong kind of bag, liking different kinds of music, etc.

The bullies just want to bully others to make themselves feel good and be centre of attention, so they'll basically pick on anything unusual.

I was mercilessly bullied by multiple "friends", and conversely, they were all from stable/better backgrounds, most of whom were from the school buses who brought pupils in from surrounding villages etc.

I nearly always found that the "troubled" class mates were actually a lot friendlier/empathetic towards me, which I thought was very surprising. They were the ones who'd be friendly in class or walking to/from school etc. Yet, they'd also be the ones who'd cause disruption in class, the ones getting punishments/detentions, etc.

So I have NC for this

My niece is a bully. Her parents are high flyers, she has everything she could ever ask for and unfortunately been spoilt. She's a only child and acts like it. She's always been quiet and everyone put it down to shyness. The problem is that both mum and dad have been pulled into to school for her being a bully and not the punch you in the face kind. Which in my book is worse. Think getting all the girls to ignore the new girl because she finds her "annoying" for weeks at end. Tripping a girl up so that she fell and then said the girl wet herself to all of her classmates (even though the girl knocked a drink over) and gave her a very cruel nickname.

Her parents are always shocked every single time they are called in since primary to now secondary school. They both make excuses why my niece is actually the victim and it's well known in the family she tends to hurt younger children (so much so she's never left alone with any of them).

Neither my sister or her DH are bad people per say but they both parent from a place of guilt and severely do not know their child. My niece is incredibly smart and plays them off against each other.

I dread to think what she will be as a adult. They won't be told by anyone in the family. Absolutely certain their darling couldn't be doing this. I have tried and I'm LC with them now. Anyone who connects me to my niece I always apologise, because 9/10 its because they assume I'm cut from the same cloth as my sister. But I am not (hopefully)

Happy to answer any questions- obviously I will keep certain details vague. She's not ND just seems to enjoy causing pain before anyone asks, and I suspect mimics behaviours seen at home...

Also I should say to anyone who has encountered anyone like my niece.

It wasn't your fault. The problem is with the bully, not you ❤️

I think bullies are unhappy children (even children of high flyers can feels neglected by their parents) who take it out on whoever they are able to. I was bullied as a child and hate the little (will be deleted if I specify what I think).

one boy who was new tried to target my son on his first day in school. He thought that my son was an easy target/nerd as he was sitting in the front, taking notes and is small and skinny. He ruined his book, scribbled over his work book and took his lunch money (claimed not to but dumped the wallet in lost property where it was found later - after lunch). I think he was trying to “establish himself”. My son has never been in trouble before and usually sits in the back, wearing sports kit but had promised me to make an effort in school.

unfortunately for the new boy, my son is one of the best footballers in the school and very popular. The new boy had about four boys approaching him to confront him about his behaviour, the football boys refused to play football with him at breaks and I don’t think anyone spoke to him for weeks. Separately, he also got detention.

I should probably feel sorry for him, but I don’t. There are several boys in the class who are sensitive and sometimes targeted (it is a rough school). My son tries to help his friends when he can - he is friends with both the sporty boys and what he affectionately calls the “nerds”. This boy wanted to bully someone and chose the wrong target. I think it serves him right. Did I mention that I hate bullies?

@nothingproud that is exactly the kind of bullying I experienced when I was 11-13 years old. It is not as overt as being beaten up but the constant put downs, no-one wanting to speak to you, sitting alone in every class, everyone bitching about you does a fantastic job of destroying any confidence you have. At one point, I made a really good friend, I was so happy - my grades went up, she would often say she doesn't know why this girl (the bully) speaks down to me (I would remain quiet, not wanting to badmouth anyone)...then suddenly she was great friends with her and I was an outsider. My bully came from a completely normal family - she had one sibling, her mum was around a lot for her (worked school hours only) and they were very balanced.

Pretending it wasn't affecting me meant neither the school or parents got involved or learnt that it was happening.

I often wonder whether the girls who behaved the worst ever do reflect on what they used to do - probably not, and if at all, they put it down to 'immaturity and growing up'. Its upsetting that their immaturity was at someone else's expense and they carry the scars around for the rest of their life.

@morechocolateneededtoday then I suppose the first thing I want to say to you is I'm so incredibly sorry.

I don't know if this helps but your right my niece has everything she could want but her parents don't want to know her on anything for that a superficial level. They have both on occasion taught her that it's ok to bully if you feel bullied. The problem is a child may feel bullied if his best friend gets a new friend and misidentifies the feeling of jealousy. And that's because emotions aren't discussed at home he thinks right I'm hurting so I'm gonna hurt this kid that he perceives as hurting me.

Not that it excuses anything. Girls are cruel and honestly I think the problem is that adults forget if you don't call out bad behaviour.. they will take it into their adulthood.

My sister was a bully. She "felt bad" for the people she picked on, until I pointed out that chances are those people she picked on probably felt pity for you and what lead you to be so unhappy that you acted in a cruel way. That did stop her in her smirking tracks. I rarely rock the boat (grey rock tactic) and you could hear a pin drop. Funnily enough my sister seemed to take what I said seriously. Now looks slightly contrite when it's mentioned.

Our father was a bully and as they say abuse isn't a circle but a spiral 🌀

@nothingproud thank you. FWIW I dont think there is anything more you can do as her aunt - I would do similar in your shoes in pointing out the obvious flaws in thinking and hope my sister joined the dots.

I do wish schools did more. When at my absolute lowest point, I did something completely out of character - I guess as a subconscious cry for help. The school did not pick up on a thing, just punished me as they saw fit (and to be fair to them, the action could not go without punishment BUT they did not spend a single second considering what caused a student (who previously had done nothing worse than hand in homework a day late) to act like this. This school is renown for its 'pastoral care'. I inwardly roll my eyes when I hear other parents praise this.

I do feel sympathy for your niece in the sense I cant imagine what it must be like to have parents who have no genuine interest in caring for you. I was fortunate to have very attentive parents when I was a child although something stopped me from telling them so I try as hard as possible to make sure my children know they can come to me with anything

I was Bullied for being overweight there was a group of girls who were vile to me at secondary school

My friend was bullied as her Mum was white and her Dad was black and she was mixed race - she was beautiful and I think the bullies were just jealous.

Another girl in our class was bullied as her parents didn't have a lot of money and she always had older trainers etc...

Kids can just be awful 😞 for no reason tho I dread this for mine.

I was bullied for wearing glasses. Always the same nickname before the nasty comments. Decades later, in a different city, in a different life, I was getting my son ready for a swimming lesson and a mum behond me shouted 'Goggles!' after her son, who'd forgotten them, and it was like a slap across my face. I had to go and sit in the corner of the cafe to pull myself together and stop myself crying.

I think the big issue with this is that a child being tormented in front of all their peers is unlikely to be able to pretend not to care. Even if they try to ignore it, it will show in their face or manner that they are affected.

I tell my kids to tell tell tell! I think the way to stop a bully is not to ignore them, turn the other cheek, let them get bored and they’ll go away, give witty retorts etc. All those things just fuel it. For me the only way to stop it is to tell everyone. Tell the teachers, tell parents, tell other adults. Even if it’s someone else who is being bullied. Don’t allow it to become a shameful secret kept by the victim. It’s just a shame that many bullied kids don’t have the parental support to kick up a real fuss for them.

Good post.

I think part of the problem is schools not talking seriously enough. Some of these incidents should result in the police being called and the children expelled. It's like we think as a society that children should put up with treatment we would never tolerate as adults. I'd like to see schools being sued for failing on health and safety and breaching the equality act. I think we need to get more of these stories in the press too. Schools need to be embarrassed.

I was badly bullied at school. A lot of name calling, gaslighting and physical assault. I was once made to apologize to a boy who had been repeatedly assaulting me for 'making him do it' FFS. The boy who did it is now on Facebook posing with automatic rifles.

If the same happens to my child I'm going to be horrendous.