Gutted about rubbish newborn stage

[Creamcakesandpastries]

I found the newborn stage with DD1 (now 2 years, 9 months old) really hard and kind of wished it away with constant thoughts of ‘just get through this bit and it’ll get easier when…’ . All I remember is cluster feeding (EBF on demand, same this time), bad sleeping and general grumpiness. When pregnant with DS2, knowing we are very unlikely to have any more children after him and always having felt so sad about the failed newborn stage with his sister, I vowed I would try my hardest to try to enjoy him as a newborn. I was hoping for a nice calm baby and that cuddly ‘newborn bubble’ people talk about. Well he is 4 weeks old now and I am finding it really miserable again. Whenever he is awake he screams (and I mean screams) for a feed, he sleeps a decent amount through the day but only 1-2 hour stints at night. He screams throughout every nappy change and throws himself around crying and rooting like mad while being winded, always wanting to go back on the breast until he falls asleep. When he does fall asleep I transfer him to his moses basket and he sleeps a bit, then wakes up furiously screaming looking for a feed again. There’s no calm cuddling or singing/ talking to him, just feeding or sleeping or screaming. I feel like I am always going to feel a sort of hole in my life where these early days with my babies should have been. I feel a pang of envy when I hear other people talk about lovely cosy times with their newborns, and I also feel like both kids and I are missing out because I am scared to leave the house due to never knowing how long he will sleep and how awful, urgent and impatient his scream is when he wakes up looking for a feed. I don’t think he needs to see the doctor or anything, I think it’s kind of just cluster feeding and I do just need to get through it. But how do I get over this sense of loss that I will never feel positive about these short and precious early days?

This stage is hyped up and overblown and remembered through rose tinted glasses.

Try to think of all the better and more rewarding stages you have to look forward to that your children will remember as well.

Might it help to give a bottle? I expect to be blasted for that suggestion but if it buys a little peace.

I think you’ve created an idealised version of the newborn stage and what you describe isn’t the norm; I’ve only heard mums of older children describe the newborn stage that way which I’ve always thought is them looking back with rose tinted glasses.
With both my DC the newborn stage was something I got through rather than enjoyed and more so with the second as I also had my older DD to entertain. There is lots ahead to enjoy so don’t beat yourself up about this stage as the reality is that it is hard.

I think that very few people love the newborn days, but maybe I'm wrong. I love my baby deeply but the newborn days were so hard. My experience was slightly different as he was in neonatal for eighteen days and then we had family staying and the longer for magic bubble didn't happen. At five months he's wonderful though. It is something that's presented as wonderful and magical and is actually really really hard.

I think you have slightly unrealistic expectations, and therefore it’s not living up to those. Don’t be so hard on yourself, it is a tough time. Can you share the load with partner/friend/family who can help out?

In the kindest way I think you’re being unreasonable. The new born stage is fucking hard. You need to make peace that it’s 99% survival and 1% a few cute moments and lovely cuddles. Some people are just more able to deal with whatever happens, or have easier baby (I had neither of these) or they are talking about the social media edited highlights or they are accepting of the crappy time and the 1% good times.

The newborn stage is hell on earth and the reason we only have 1 DC. I'm sure some people have a lovely newborn experience but just because they find that stage easy doesn't mean they won't find other stages difficult.

Newborn stage is brutal, I wished away the first 3 months and I feel sad too but no one prepares you for it! Have you thought about switching to bottle? It might give you rest bite; and you’ll be able to tell how much they’re actually feeding too? Just a thought because obviously not for everyone x

Have you tried pumping to see if they are getting the very fatty part of the milk? Then someone else could feed and cuddle while you get a rest?

If they take to the bottle, you could then mix the feeds up with a bit of formula too.

Maybe baby is just drinking and so wakes up hungry, when really you want them knocked out milk drunk for an hour or two for you to have your feet up with a cuppa getting all the cuddles you want.

But if you don't want to do that, if it helps the newborn stage for me was very overrated, the nights waking, the piercing crying, no sleep, it's all very hard. I loved the walking/talking stage, so cute and out of nappies!

I didn't enjoy it with either of mine. They were both very unsettled - fed and cried, wouldn't be passed to anyone else and had feeding issues.
I'm pregnant again and hoping for at least some moments I can enjoy this time because I do feel like I missed out.
I met my 2 day old baby niece the other day and she slept on me and was so content and I never had that with mine. It's hard not to be jealous.

As others have said people look back at newborn pictures and remember it through rose tinted glasses. When you’ve got a toddler running about it’s easy to look back and remember the newborn stage as lying with your feet up with them in a moses basket asleep most of the day but in reality you get that moment about once a day and rest is really full on. The good news is you don’t have to do it again! As someone else has suggested potentially a bottle could help, getting a break if someone else can step in for a few hours can make all the difference and try to remember that for most babies it lasts such a short time then you’ll gradually get back to your normal life again. Hope it eases off for you

If he's rooting and making feeding cues in his sleep then you're best latching him then, rather than waiting til hunger has woken him up. I found with the newborn stage if I fed as soon as I saw the first cue, the screaming stage was avoided. May also be gas pain, cmpa or just wanting to be close to you - have you tried a sling?

You’ve been reading too many insta posts. If it helps I was the same - felt I ‘did it all wrong’, that if I had been calmer then baby would’ve been as well, wish I’d taken more nice photos and ‘made the most of it’. I’m pregnant again and being more realistic this time - I’m not going to break my back endlessly breastfeeding and will give a bottle if I feel I need to, will be roping in all the help I can and not putting pressure on myself to get out and about before I feel like it. Basically lowering my standards! Can you do this a little bit?

The newborn stage was hell. It was the bit I dreaded each time I had a DC. I look back and shudder. It was stressful, intense, constant and just felt like a slog. I BF so maybe that's why. I just said to myself "this too shall pass"....

Contributing factor having parents who don't like to be involved (so that lack of support thing) and friends at the time that had no children and couldn't understand (which is fine, that's life).

I'm a maternal person and loved tot stage (even if I was pulling my hair out still) and the rest of it. Newborns however, I just found it so hard and they are so fragile and I was always on high alert. So you aren't alone.

Things that helped were a sling as @Kindofcrunchy said and being on it with the feeding before escalations.

I had a sling for all mine and did housework with them in it. All three of mine were clingy.

in my experience, EBF was overrated. I’m on my second newborn and both became much calmer when I introduced a bottle and dummy instead of relying 100% on my breasts (even when the bottle contains breast milk, though I personally also include the odd formula feed).

This also means I get more rest because DH can share the nights, and I still get the lovely bonding aspect of breastfeeding… just not constantly.

I hated the newborn stage with both of mine. Absolutely hated it. Would have gladly paid someone to take over until about 6 months with me doing the odd bits of smiling and cuddling! Just horrendous. I think it’s okay to say that, people need to be more honest. I love my dc to bits now they’re older but at that stage I literally felt my head was going to explode .

I remember having those wonderful sleepy cuddles, but they were so fleeting! It definitely wasn't the cosy cuddle 'bubble' that people speak of.

I do think a lot of it is rose tinted glasses. For example, I'm pregnant again now... And I forgot how very hard it is. I remembered the nice bits, like bang kicking etc. Reality is a lot different imo.

I detested the newborn and small baby stage - exhausting, terrifying, each day felt like a month and each month like a year. I like once they start crawling and love the toddler/preschool stage, even the tantrumming!

Most people in my circles felt exactly like you do, OP. Including me. The best thing you can do is not beat yourself up about it. Don’t make an already hard time even harder for yourself. 💐

Lower your expectations. The first 12 weeks are hard but it does get easier. Around 8 weeks it improves, then again at 12 weeks. Most young babies cry more than the books make out. They cry more and sleep less, but with each passing week things do improve, although you might not notice the subtle changes at the time.

Also, lower your expectations about how much you can do in a day. If you expect to do too much, you’re setting yourself up for failure and upset. I found in those early weeks, I was basically focussed on baby and managing to eat and drink myself. When I had a quiet moment, I tried to rest not gallop around catching up with housework. I’d sit down and read or just close my eyes. Take the opportunity to look after yourself too x

I initially found breastfeeding time-consuming, but then learnt to treat it as relaxation time. I’d read, put the TV on, make a shopping list, catch up on emails - but mainly reading. That made it feel like a treat for me, and stopped me feeling the day was ticking by. The feeds will grow further apart very soon. Take one day, one week at a time.

And no, don’t give baby a bottle. Unless, of course, you want to muck up your supply. Someone suggested it to me with my second baby - so innocuous, so helpful, right? It wasn’t - it was a jealous, spiteful thing to do, and I regret following their ‘helpful’ advice. I tried to remedy it by pumping my own milk into a bottle, but that messed up feeding too. Just roll with it. Expect to do very little, sort out a feeding armchair with snacks, drinks, books, remotes, iPad nearby and enjoy it.

Mainly, know that it’s not you or your baby. The first weeks are hard. I’m sure you’re doing a great job 😊

It's absolutely bloody awful. I grieved not enjoying it until I realised everyone hayes it because it's shit

I hated that stage - well actually pretty much all of the first two years. That's a big part of the reason that I only had one - but at 16 I have found every age and stage a breeze compared to him being a baby.

Your experience sounds like mine. Ds was either on the boob, crying or asleep.

There was no interactive harmony, no calm cuddles until he was 4 months old. I spent those first 4 months with ds in a sling which meant he was mostly content (asleep) and I got on with my day.

Don't feel bad. I think that's normal.

I agree that you have an idealised version of what it should be that you have created unrealistic expectations. The reality is the newborn stage is awful. I have never heard anyone speak of the newborn stage being joyful and full of cuddles. My reality was that when my dd when a newborn she literally screamed for hours on end and it was absolutely awful. It is one of the main reasons I only have her. She is now 10 and tbh I don't look back hating the memories I have because it was just the way it was and I have so many other happy memories of her being a toddler, pre-schooler and so on. My dd is 10 now and by the time yours are 10 this will all be a distant memory. My advice is, take each day as it comes and look forward to the many happy, joyful things that are yet to come that will give you so many happy memories. 😊

And no, don’t give baby a bottle. Unless, of course, you want to muck up your supply. Someone suggested it to me with my second baby - so innocuous, so helpful, right? It wasn’t - it was a jealous, spiteful thing to do, and I regret following their ‘helpful’ advice. I tried to remedy it by pumping my own milk into a bottle, but that messed up feeding too.

Holy moly 😂 my supply didn’t suffer at all, if breastfeeding could be terminated by 1 feed being ‘missed’ every few days the human race would’ve starved to death by now. What a bunch of balls 😂

Give the baby a bottle so your DH can help, and give yourself a break. It's fucking relentless, especially woth dc2 and dc1 still needs you.