Gutted about rubbish newborn stage

[Creamcakesandpastries]

I found the newborn stage with DD1 (now 2 years, 9 months old) really hard and kind of wished it away with constant thoughts of ‘just get through this bit and it’ll get easier when…’ . All I remember is cluster feeding (EBF on demand, same this time), bad sleeping and general grumpiness. When pregnant with DS2, knowing we are very unlikely to have any more children after him and always having felt so sad about the failed newborn stage with his sister, I vowed I would try my hardest to try to enjoy him as a newborn. I was hoping for a nice calm baby and that cuddly ‘newborn bubble’ people talk about. Well he is 4 weeks old now and I am finding it really miserable again. Whenever he is awake he screams (and I mean screams) for a feed, he sleeps a decent amount through the day but only 1-2 hour stints at night. He screams throughout every nappy change and throws himself around crying and rooting like mad while being winded, always wanting to go back on the breast until he falls asleep. When he does fall asleep I transfer him to his moses basket and he sleeps a bit, then wakes up furiously screaming looking for a feed again. There’s no calm cuddling or singing/ talking to him, just feeding or sleeping or screaming. I feel like I am always going to feel a sort of hole in my life where these early days with my babies should have been. I feel a pang of envy when I hear other people talk about lovely cosy times with their newborns, and I also feel like both kids and I are missing out because I am scared to leave the house due to never knowing how long he will sleep and how awful, urgent and impatient his scream is when he wakes up looking for a feed. I don’t think he needs to see the doctor or anything, I think it’s kind of just cluster feeding and I do just need to get through it. But how do I get over this sense of loss that I will never feel positive about these short and precious early days?

100% I intended to ebf but had a post dural puncture and spent the first 5 days if DS' life unable to get out of bed and drugged up on oralmorph. This all impacted my milk production and the baby was losing too much weight the hospital advised introducing formula (even pumping between feeds I just couldn't make enough). I cried and cried because I felt like such a failure, unable to feed my own child.

However, now he's 7 weeks and we still top up with formula ( my milk never fully caught up) and I love it! It's the best of both worlds, I get the closeness of breastfeeding and can sleep for longer stretches when DP does a bottle feed at night. DP also loves it because she gets to feed him too. It wouldn't work for everyone but it works for our family.

I found a sling made everything so much easier. The baby was much calmer in the sling. And yes to feeding him as soon as he attempts it rather than waiting for the screaming with hungry.

Is he gassy? That was DS2’s problem. I cut out caffeine and that helped him a lot.

I don't recognise this idealized vision of a newborn stage you've created. I saw the first 3 months as something you just had to get through.

You say you put your D's down in his Moses basket after a feed. In the daytime, in the early cluster feeding weeks, I'd get those newborn cuddles from DD after a feed, with her remaining in my arms.

I did have a contented alert 2nd baby who would stare and smile at anyone with her big blue eyes for ages BUT she never slept in the daytime so I don't look back on that fondly.

There's no right way to experience your children. If they're fed, loved and kept safe, you're doing enough.

I have a 1 year old and certainly didn’t enjoy the newborn phase. However, I work with some women who have recently become grandparents and will say how great the newborn phase or the toddler phase is. They love looking after their small grandchildren. They do admit though that they love this stage because they can just look after the grandchildren, they do it for a day or two and then they can get back on top of the house and the laundry. When they were in the thick of it with their own kids, they didn’t enjoy that stage. It’s not always rose tinted glasses but sometimes just have the space to enjoy it without dealing with the rest of life and doing it relentlessly.

Omg, are you me? Exactly the same age first child. Because it was Covid, too, I was so fixated on how that had robbed me of a nice experience that I was determined this time would be totally different now we could socialise and get out the house.

However, it's just as fucking hard, if not moreso with a ragey toddler around. This will very likely be our last baby and I am trying to enjoy it but good god, we make difficult babies. I find in wishing the days away to when it'll be easier (when she can suck her thumb...when she can roll onto her belly to sleep...when she's old enough to sleep train...). I'm really sad I didn't get one of those happy sleepy unicorn babies, I'd really convinced myself there might be a chance!

I’m pregnant again, I have a toddler, who was a horribly unsettled newborn. I kinda know what you mean about feeling a bit robbed, but I think I’m approaching it from a different angle. I’m going to view anything beyond surviving the first 4 months with my mental health mostly intact as a victory. I know some people find the newborn stage easy and magical and wonderful (and they bleat on about it all the time on MN…) but in real life I think most peoples newborn experience ranges from ‘i’m exhausted but this is just about okay’ to ‘this is the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life’. If you have an unsettled one of course you are going to be further down that scale. Keep swimming, remember that the newborn stuff you see on Instagram isn’t at all real.

i never had the expectation that newborn days would be good, and they weren’t. They sucked real bad. For me, absolutely worth it and every year is better (teens now).

And no, don’t give baby a bottle. Unless, of course, you want to muck up your supply. Someone suggested it to me with my second baby - so innocuous, so helpful, right? It wasn’t - it was a jealous, spiteful thing to do, and I regret following their ‘helpful’ advice. I tried to remedy it by pumping my own milk into a bottle, but that messed up feeding too. Just roll with it. Expect to do very little, sort out a feeding armchair with snacks, drinks, books, remotes, iPad nearby and enjoy it.

God this is a weird mind-fucky thing to write!

I didn't EBF either of mine, I combi fed them, and I'm not ashamed of it. I gave them breast for comfort and cuddles and closeness, and a couple of times a day I offered them a nice bottle of formula, to glug back and fill them up and chill them out.

Why on earth would that be a bad thing?

There's so much pressure and weirdo Nazi conspiracy theories about EBF, but it would have made a tricky time impossibly hard for me and I UTTERLY REJECT anyone who preaches breast is best like it's a gospel truth! I believe that fed is best, and that happy mums have happy babies. For us, combi feeding was a wonderful thing. My littlest is nearly 2 and still has the boob multiple times a day for milky cuddles.

I wish you all the best OP. Please feel free to ignore my experience if it doesn't align with your values. I just wish you well and I have no agenda. Very best of luck, it does get easier.

When did you introduce a bottle? DS was one of those EBF babies who wanted to breastfeed constantly, day and night. I know it’s biologically normal and all that stuff but I just can’t go through with that again (currently pregnant with number 2). Would love to give a bit of formula (not even going to humour pumping) but we left it too late with DS. Did you start right from the off? Has your supply been okay?

Amen!! I’m pregnant with number 2 and, unless I’m blessed with one of those sleepy unicorns who breastfeeds beautifully every few hours and doesn’t require a nipple in their mouth 24/7 to stop the screaming, I 100% plan on combi feeding this time. I wish I hadn’t been so indoctrinated into the idea that EBF was sacred last time. It’s 50% of the reason my mental health was so shot, maybe 100% if you factor in the paralysing sleep exhaustion. I love that you are still feeding your 2 yo ❤️

I wasn't aware that anyone loved the newborn phase, it is relentlessness, exhausting, and overwhelming.

I would lower your expectations. I think most find it rubbish, even with easier babies.

Mine will be 4 weeks tomorrow and he's generally a content and settled baby, I also never breastfed so able to share feeds etc but I'm still struggling and finding it to be a bit rubbish.

I'm looking forward to when he's a bit older, more interactive and more interesting.

I hated the newborn stage for both of mine. Nearly didn't have a 2nd because I hated it so much the first time - in fact we literally had the conversation, 'if we could skip straight to a 1 year old we'd definitely want a 2nd DC, so we have to decide if the newborn stage is worth it to get to that '. I suppose a tiny bit of me hoped I'd get a very different baby (I didn't). The only difference 2nd time was I was maybe slightly (buy only very slightly) more confident and I did at least know it eventually got better (but equally knew this time not to set myself up for the disappointment of believing the 'it gets easier at 6 weeks / 12 weeks / 6 months brigade).

Do whatever you need to do to get through it and just keep telling yourself there is nothing wrong with not enjoying this, lots of people don't, and it will improve eventually.

I have 2 DC. The newborn stage is absolutely one of the reasons why I will never have a third. I know it’s short in the actual scheme of things, but dear god it’s like eternity when you’re in it.

I don’t really know anyone who enjoyed it. I look back at the photos and I barely remember actually living it. In some ways it was easier second time round as we knew what to expect and it wasn’t such a shock to the system, but then you’re juggling a toddler at the same time, which is a whole new level of stress.

I've got three older teens and i cant remember a thing about the newborn stage. They were brilliant when they were about 4 though.

The newborn stage and particularly pre 8 weeks were awful for me and I couldn't wait to see the back of them. I dreaded the long nights, my colic days which were full of screaming and insane amounts of walking to try and encourage a nap. 4 weeks is still super young and there's plenty of time to enjoy yet.

The newborn stage is the worst really. Your hormones are all over the place, you and baby are getting used to each other and everything else.

I'm not sure I know anyone who had the lovely newborn bubble scenario.

The vast majority (myself included) found it relentless and really really hard.

Mine also screamed a lot and was not a happy sunny baby!

Omg everyone thank you so much, I can’t tell you how much better you’ve made me feel! I was in tears earlier and now I feel like just getting through this stage in any which way I can is actually OK! You’re all completely right, and I know from DD1, that there is plenty of stuff still to come that I will absolutely enjoy and get warm fuzzy memories from. You’re all amazing!

The newborn stage sucks. I also wished it away! Looking back now (11 months later), it did pass quickly, but at the time it felt like it would never get better! Hang in there. X

Newborns are hard. I'm aghast so many people pop up to say formula is the answer though, what are you, industry reps? There's a place for formula but it's not a magic wand.

Don't think of 'failing' the newborn stage op, if you get through it then you're winning. You get the baby you get, it's just down to chance and sone are more grizzly than others.

I think you need to focus on the bits that are magical and beautiful while accepting it's not all like that. Take pics of when the baby is asleep and peaceful. There's your lovely calm bubble. You're giving the baby all he needs, including comfort when he's upset and grizzly. You're totally winning this.

What cuddly newborn stage? It was awful!!

No one is saying formula is completely the answer but there’s also a lot to be said for being able to hand a baby over to a dh or someone else and just go to sleep or have some time to yourself. It’s harder to do that if you breastfeed, and even if you can express not all breastfed babies will take a bottle. I struggled for 9 weeks with breastfeeding my first and I’m sure it contributed to my severe pnd. 10 years later when I had my second I made the decision I would formula feed from birth and I have never regretted that decision. It meant dh and I could be completely equal in parenting straight from the start. We split the feeds / changing / settling etc 50/50 from the beginning.

Not sure what you’re talking about! Newborn cuddly bubble phase? Not a thing. It’s almost universally crap ImE

The newborn stage is brutal.
DC1 is 18 and I don't remember him being a difficult newborn but then I barely remember his newborn days so I've probably blanked them out through trauma.
DC2 is 12 weeks and it's been awful. I spent the first 5 weeks mainly in tears due to her tongue tie and all the shit the comes with that. I feel like I ruined DHs paternity leave and I've ruined the first few weeks of her life. Everyone on social media is having a blissful newborn stage but then I come on MN and thankfully everyone is in the same shitty boat. I deleted facebook and feel much better.