Gutted about rubbish newborn stage

[Creamcakesandpastries]

I found the newborn stage with DD1 (now 2 years, 9 months old) really hard and kind of wished it away with constant thoughts of ‘just get through this bit and it’ll get easier when…’ . All I remember is cluster feeding (EBF on demand, same this time), bad sleeping and general grumpiness. When pregnant with DS2, knowing we are very unlikely to have any more children after him and always having felt so sad about the failed newborn stage with his sister, I vowed I would try my hardest to try to enjoy him as a newborn. I was hoping for a nice calm baby and that cuddly ‘newborn bubble’ people talk about. Well he is 4 weeks old now and I am finding it really miserable again. Whenever he is awake he screams (and I mean screams) for a feed, he sleeps a decent amount through the day but only 1-2 hour stints at night. He screams throughout every nappy change and throws himself around crying and rooting like mad while being winded, always wanting to go back on the breast until he falls asleep. When he does fall asleep I transfer him to his moses basket and he sleeps a bit, then wakes up furiously screaming looking for a feed again. There’s no calm cuddling or singing/ talking to him, just feeding or sleeping or screaming. I feel like I am always going to feel a sort of hole in my life where these early days with my babies should have been. I feel a pang of envy when I hear other people talk about lovely cosy times with their newborns, and I also feel like both kids and I are missing out because I am scared to leave the house due to never knowing how long he will sleep and how awful, urgent and impatient his scream is when he wakes up looking for a feed. I don’t think he needs to see the doctor or anything, I think it’s kind of just cluster feeding and I do just need to get through it. But how do I get over this sense of loss that I will never feel positive about these short and precious early days?

I hated this bit, so put them in nursery pt at four months and went back to work. God, I felt so much better.
Now 20 years on all appear unscathed. Never a single regret.

No advice particularly just to say, I had a screamer too! I had visions of baby groups, coffee with friends and nice walks with a lovely calm baby. How wrong I was!! My son (now 19 months and very physically advanced and independent) hated his pram from day one, but also seemed to hate his baby carrier! Naps had to be in a dark room being bounced (gently!!) to sleep and timings were, and continue to be, incredibly unpredictable so I struggled to attend any groups. He hated the car (still does) and would scream bloody murder every time. He did have reflux but now he's older and I see his little personality some of it makes sense. He's very headstrong, likes to be doing things older children are doing etc. We ditched the pram way before 1 year and he walks or is carried on our shoulders.

I had a conversation recently where an acquaintance was saying how wonderful her maternity leaves were, describing everything I had hoped to do, when talking to a colleague about to go off on mat leave. I felt very envious and I am still a bit sad about the experience but I know that she is probably in the minority. My advice would be to try to focus on the parts you do enjoy and know that you are far from alone in your experience!

Hello to those who have rekindled this thread! Well my baby boy is 5 months old now and it’s better in some ways, for example his feeds are now reliably 2.5-3 hours apart and he doesn’t just constantly seem hungry now. I have also started expressing one bottle a day so I get to skip one night feed probably 2/3 of the nights. He has a consistent bedtime of 7-7:30pm which just sort of happened without us doing too much, and he’s up 3 times most nights (11ish, 2ish and 5ish) before being up for the day 6-6:30am ish. He has actually slept 6, 7, even 8 hour stints randomly but this has never stuck! He consistently goes down for naps after being awake for about 2 hours, but pretty much every time only sleeps for half an hour! Have tried shorter/longer wake windows and always the same. Occasionally he sleeps for longer but I’m never expecting it so I don’t use the time very effectively!

Unfortunately he is still not a particularly content little bloke in general 😖 We have multiple play mats, bouncy chairs, jungle gyms etc., as well as an expensive reclining high chair, and he lasts maybe 10 minutes on/in each thing before starting this incessant repetitive moaning noise, which escalates to a cry if he is not picked up. He usually likes being held facing outwards, including in the baby carrier, but will not tolerate the carrier or sling facing inwards AT ALL, and I actually feel so uncomfortable and restricted with him in the carrier- I don’t know how people say they chuck their babies in all day and just get on with their lives! He does have a limit with it aswell, will still end up ‘honking’ (as DH calls it!) after a while. Again, I don’t think there’s anything medical wrong with him because everything we do with him is fine for a short amount of time, I think he just gets bored really easily. He doesn’t like tummy time either so we’re not progressing that quickly towards him being more mobile which I think might help him be happier. He is starting to twist his body as if he might roll over from back to tummy but he doesn’t seem that close to actually doing it, though he has flopped from tummy to back a few times.

He cries going into the car seat and in the car until he falls asleep (which thankfully he usually does, DD never ever slept in the car!), and the same goes for his pram which we have now put the seat on instead of the bassinet in the hope he would be happier being able to see out. So I still dread taking him anywhere because if timings don’t work out for him to be ready to sleep he just complains loudly over and over again until he is lifted up and held facing out, in our arms or the carrier.

It’s so hard as there are times I have no choice but to put him down (when helping DD with the toilet or get dressed, making food, cleaning up after meals, showering, going to the toilet myself etc.), and during these times it is just inevitable that he will moan and moan, the noise actually grates on me sometimes tbh! I do cave quite often and just put him in the carrier and try my best to work around him, or avoid doing things that are a struggle until he’s asleep, but with such short naps and needing to try and sleep when he does at night due to the regular wake-ups, it is hard to keep on top of life!

Weirdly it is quite easy to make him smile and laugh if he is not tired and I have all my attention on him, tickling and singing and being silly and stuff, so he can be quite a sunny baby, but overall there is a lot of moaning. Oh and he does love his baths, so that’s a positive!

Phew! Erm no one asked for this level of detail did they haha, can you tell I don’t get out much??

@NiceParkingSpotRitaThanksJanet I think my son is cut from the same cloth as yours! Absolutely exhausting!

Sounds very normal for the newborn stage, no idea why it’s portrayed as anything different, it never use to be all the magazines and books told u wot to expect.

OP I'm sorry to hear you haven't had a magic fix! I've got my hopes set on improvements at 6 and then 12 weeks. Sure it won't happen but at least it's something to look forward too.

My DD1 was exactly the same as your baby. Absolutely misery guts unless she wanted to show off her smiles and laughs. I can't remember when it got better but by the time she was a toddler she was a joy and has been lovely since.
(I managed to block out how baby the baby stage was hence why I am doing it again!!)

@Creamcakesandpastries i remember commenting on this thread as if I had the magic answer 😂 fuck that, my baby is now almost 4 months and I'm living the same hell as you (with the occasional smile). Send wine!

Very, very few people love the newborn stage. It is hell on earth.

I had three babies in 7 years. All are now in their twenties so it was a very long time ago but I will never forget how horrendously tough the newborn stage was each time. Tough enough for me to think I had made an enormous mistake having them and to wish I could give them back, even though I loved them to pieces and had planned all three.

I think you need to be much kinder to yourself. Babies are hard work and the newborn stage is often the hardest part of all. You aren't alone. Most of us have been there and it really can be traumatic. A total culture shock.

The main healer here is time in many cases. For me those newborn stages are now just increasingly distant memories. I'm relieved that I will never have to go through it again.

I really don't understand why I (and most people around me) was so invested in preparing for the birth. I read whole books and took online classes and everything. Fuck that, that's the short part of it. It would have made more sense to prepare myself for the first year.

They do get easier though.

I agree with others the newborn stage is hard. I also have a 2yr 9mo old and she was so unsettled as a baby with allergies and reflux and screamed all the time.
I do have a very calm, settled second baby in comparison but at 4 weeks she was only sleeping 2 hr stints, screamed for feeds a lot etc as you're describing. I think it is just normal newborn behaviour unfortunately. We did introduce a bottle which helped me get a bit more sleep which helped my sanity. She is 12 weeks now and have overall found it much easier and enjoyable this time, but it is still tough especially those first 2 months!

Nothing to add OP but this has been a helpful thread for me I had a very unsettled newborn (we had colic until 4months 😑) but sometimes I think I was too stressed with the screaming that I never appreciated the snoozes enough. Without realising, I've been telling myself "if I have another, naturally I'm going to really treasure the newborn stage" well I've been helpfully brought back down to earth! 😂

(Ignore the strike through 😬)

I really disliked the 5-7 month stretch, I found it particularly whingy because they are more awake and aware but still not able to do much. Once they are eating and you can drop some feeds and rolling/crawling started I found it much more enjoyable and they were happier.

Oh OP 😞 the newborn stage is pure hell for most, I certainly couldn’t do it again and I don’t know anyone in real life who had a “newborn bubble”. Even one friend who I would have sworn did have it has admitted since that she was using social media to remind herself there were cute bits too!

@Kindofcrunchy haha send wine. Yes please! And it’s currently 10:23am!

@guiow I do have a 3yo who at some point became lovely (albeit with a few blips!), but like you I’m not sure when it became more bearable! She slept 9-10 hours a night by 5 months though, what a bloody dream that would be! Didn’t know how lucky we were!

@Topseyt123 traumatic is the right word for it, I just had a situation where both kids were screaming in unison and I was just staring into space like erm I actually don’t know what to do here! Three in 7 years, wow! Super mum!

@AluckyEllie I feel awful for wishing time away but I’m desperate for him to start rolling and crawling, he is very much a grumpy potato at the moment and all that keeps me sane is the thought that he might be happier when he’s mobile. Please universe do me this favour! 🙏🏼

@WorryMcGee good to hear about your friend’s confession! One part of my brain says ‘don’t believe everything you see on social media’, but then another part of me falls for it hook, line and sinker! And I do always seem to see lovely calm content babies out and about when mine is loudly proclaiming that he’d rather be anywhere else but I suppose all the mums with grumpy ones are all hiding away behind closed doors!

Please consider silent reflux.

check out the kelkymom website.

I think you are amazing to have this level of self awareness, these analytical skills and ability to write coherently.

Hang in there 💐💐💐💐

@Burpcloth I sometimes wonder whether a big part of me wanting a second was to make up for not ‘appreciating’ the tiny baby days with my first, but the second has been worse in a lot of ways 😫 I can say even on a crap day (like today) though that I don’t have any regrets and I am looking forward to being a functional family of four when (I’m telling myself when, not if!) these hard times finally pass us by!

@Creepyrosemary you’re so right, this is the bit we needed preparing for!

@AlienSupaStar thank you! I will have a look at kellymom because there may be something I’m missing!

Just bottle feed him! People are so obsessed on MN with not bottle feeding and will endure sleepless nights just to make sure they breast feed. It's important you are rested and happy and you have a toddler to sort out too.