Comments on children’s appearance

[northernmama92]

Hi all,
I gave birth to my daughter in September and have a step son (aged 9). My husband’s family live in NI and so far his mum and younger sister (26) have met our baby.

During their last visit, SIL commented on SS’s straight leg jeans, questioning him on why he was wearing baggy jeans. He defended them and said they’re his smart jeans. MIL then proceeded to say that he has skinny legs so you can’t see them with baggy jeans. This is all said in a jokey manner but I’m struggling to see the joke in commenting on his appearance.

Later in the day my DD woke from her nap and was sitting on my knee. SIL commented saying, “she looks like Harry Hill”. Again, I struggled to find this funny but gave her the benefit of the doubt as I was worried that she felt awkward around our daughter after losing her own pre-term baby the previous year. Fast forward Christmas Day and we are speaking to my husband’s family via video call. She makes the same comment about our daughter looking like Harry Hill again and I feel myself implode. I walked out of the room because I felt so angry and upset that she continued to comment on our daughter’s appearance. 1) The only resemblance is that she is bald and white. 2) Why would you say something like that about someone’s baby? 3) Our DD is a genuinely beautiful baby.

I don’t want our children’s appearance to be at the centre of my in-laws jokes and become their inner voice but it seems that there’s no consideration of what is actually being said.

Advice welcome before I flip my lid 🙃

TIA x

You are hugely overreacting.

She may be a covert aggressive. You'd probably never make those kinds of insensitive remarks so you naturally find it baffling, but she may have a very different mentality to you that is based on needing to feel superior and put other people down. Get educated on how people like this operate (eg. read George Simon) and you can educate your DSS and DD to understanding that granny isn't being kind when she says those things so they know it's all about granny and her problems, and not about them. It's a good life lesson to have early in life.

I think some people, morons that they are, just get stuck in a cycle of stock comments in certain interactions and this is largely influenced by their own insecurities. Next time SIL makes the comments say, You've said that a few times now. Do you not like my child, or have I offended you somehow? After explanation or denial simply say, Right, just stop it now.
If anyone comes back at you tell them you won't have your child subjected to bullying by anyone and expect more support from family. People like this tend to gaslight those they attack. If it doesn't stop limit contact.

Some families do this. This constant commenting about someone’s appearance. Nip it in the bud by telling them to stop or do it to them. My SIL soon stopped calling DD “baby blobby” when I called her Toxic Barbie.

The Harry hill comment is stupid but not overly offensive I'd just ignore it. The comment about ss jeans and being skinny is not nice. Is your dh aware?

Harry Hill is known for being bald and smiley. Quite a few babies probably look like him. If your DD does, you wouldn’t see it yourself. I thought my first baby was the most beautiful little creature to ever grace the earth. Years later, I can look back at photos and see quite a funny looking baby.
I think you should calm down and make some allowances for your poor SIL who is going through a horrible time.

I would simply pick up baby, put on a cutesy baby voice and talk to the baby saying: ‘Well that was a mean thing that auntie xxx just said wasn’t it? But everyone else knows that you’re absolutely beautiful.’ Should sufficiently shame her in front of everyone.

If she starts with the ‘don’t be so sensitive, I was only joking’ comments, then again do the voice to the baby: “oh, see she was only joking, but it wasn’t a very nice joke was it? Don’t worry she knows not to say it again.’

I had similar with my DS in the summer but my DH thought it was funny (initially) and was almost joining in. I think they saw how upset I was and I would say normally I am not one to easily take offence. They stopped straight away so I think just let them see it bothers you or tell them directly and I’m would hope they might stop! Even if your baby does look like Harry Hill (which I’m sure she doesn’t!), if you’re finding their behaviour upsetting then I don’t think you should put up with it. Keeping the peace is overrated!

I don't think she is at all.
Surely anyone would coo over a little baby, not call them weird names or mock them.
Your post is very invalidating to the OP

Yeah you need to let them know this is not okay. My grandparents used to call me "fat bum" (in their native language, it doesn't sound so weird in that language :p) and comment on my stubby nose from as young as I can remember. Now I have complexes about my nose and bum, and am very insecure about them. You need to make sure these comments don't rub off on your kids!

Thanks for your reply. That’s not for you to decide. I don’t want to bring my children up by ridiculing their appearance.

Thanks for your reply. This is exactly why it concerns me. What children hear becomes their inner voice. I’m sorry you had to be subjected to that :(

Thanks for your reply. That’s not for you to decide. I don’t want to bring my children up by ridiculing their appearance.

Surely you don't think going through a difficult time gives one licence to make others feel bad as a means to lessen their own pain?
"All babies are beautifully funny looking" as a statement, for example, is entirely different from "Your baby is funny looking."
Don't you agree?

Thanks for your reply. I hear what you’re saying about babies looking funny; I absolutely agree. What I have to disagree with is that I should make allowances because she’s having a horrible time. I had a horrible time when my mum died but I didn’t then start commenting on other people’s mums.

your child doesn’t understand, it’s a baby.

It depends on how these things were said and the type of family banter that happens normally in the family. If its banter with warmth and part of a mutual leg pull, it fine. Picking on one person isn’t ok

My baby doesn’t understand but I do as does my DSS. I don’t think it’s fine, hence why I posted in the first place on how to deal with the situation to make it stop.

I’m also not one to take offence easily! It just hurt me more than anything! DH doesn’t like it either! We’re not confrontational people but I totally am a believer that keeping the peace is completely overrated!

I agree OP. My parents have weight problems and are obsessive about monitoring weight in others. It comes in comments, 'looks' unsubtly checking of size tags in clothes etc

It is insidious and gets inside your head. And I felt that the sum total of my value was in my looks and I was failing by being chubby (and still now have eating disorders at the age of nearly 50 which I honestly cannot ever imagine overcoming).

I believe the only things that ought to be said about babies and young children (or anyone) is 'how beautiful he is ' ' how lovely those jeans look; etc etc.

I understand how you feel. My fil would call my daughter ugly in a "jokey way" when she was a toddler. Fast forward not seeing her for 7 years and when we finally met up with the family again he decided to call the now 11 year old girl ugly. I literally hit the roof. He was told we don't find him funny and if he has to make comments like that then we don't want to see him at all. Nip it in the bud.

I don't find the Harry Hill comment particularly offensive and on its own I would say maybe your reaction is a bit ott. However the SS comment (although not ghastly) can create body insecurities and therefore if she has form for making these comments I can see why the baby one then pissed you off. My family dig at each others looks and clothes and I hate it. It's created huge issues for me growing up.

@Mumtobabyhavoc I don’t think it’s great to pick on others to lesson her own pain, no. But I also don’t think the Harry Hill comment is that bad/ serious.
Baby loss affects people intensely. Just in my small circle, I know of a woman who wasn’t able to see her DB, his wife and their baby for ages after she lost hers. Likewise an old friend who wasn’t able to have meaningful contact with me when I had a baby after hers died.
It sucks but it happens. At least the OP’s SIL is still seeing them and engaging.

OP you're complaining that they are commenting on appearance but you seem to put appearance at the forefront of everything which is unhealthy. You don't need to justify it by saying your child is beautiful. Most people find their children beautiful, it's neither here nor there. I wouldn't find it offensive because appearance isn't the most important thing and regardless, why does it matter? Everyone is beautiful to someone and ugly to someone else. Focus on your dc's qualities not appearance.

I also don’t find this particularly offensive, in fact it made me laugh a little as lots of babies look like harry hill .

the comment on your step sons jeans and legs I also don’t find particularly obnoxious

I think your reaction is a bit ott too. Is this your pfb? Many babies look like harry hill, I’d really not get so upset at the thought of it

My little nephew (10) has told me twice now in front of his parents that my baby (9months) is the ugliest baby he's ever seen and has the biggest head in the world. Both times his parents laughed at him. I'm not easily offended at all but it's out me off the nephew for life to be honest lol.