Page 2 | Comments on children’s appearance

northernmama92 · 2022-12-26T04:34:30+00:00

Hi all, I gave birth to my daughter in September and have a step son (aged 9). My husband’s family live in NI and so far his mum and younger sister (26) have met our baby. During their last visit, SIL commented on SS’s straight leg jeans, questioning him on why he was wearing baggy jeans. He defended them and said they’re his smart jeans. MIL then proceeded to say that he has skinny legs so you can’t see them with baggy jeans. This is all said in a jokey manner but I’m struggling to see the joke in commenting on his appearance. Later in the day my DD woke from her nap and was sitting on my knee. SIL commented saying, “she looks like Harry Hill”. Again, I struggled to find this funny but gave her the benefit of the doubt as I was worried that she felt awkward around our daughter after losing her own pre-term baby the previous year. Fast forward Christmas Day and we are speaking to my husband’s family via video call. She makes the same comment about our daughter looking like Harry Hill again and I feel myself implode. I walked out of the room because I felt so angry and upset that she continued to comment on our daughter’s appearance. 1) The only resemblance is that she is bald and white. 2) Why would you say something like that about someone’s baby? 3) Our DD is a genuinely beautiful baby. I don’t want our children’s appearance to be at the centre of my in-laws jokes and become their inner voice but it seems that there’s no consideration of what is actually being said. Advice welcome before I flip my lid 🙃 TIA x

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Original poster

northernmama92 · 26/12/2022 11:21

user432900976 · 26/12/2022 09:00

OP you're complaining that they are commenting on appearance but you seem to put appearance at the forefront of everything which is unhealthy. You don't need to justify it by saying your child is beautiful. Most people find their children beautiful, it's neither here nor there. I wouldn't find it offensive because appearance isn't the most important thing and regardless, why does it matter? Everyone is beautiful to someone and ugly to someone else. Focus on your dc's qualities not appearance.

It’s certainly not been put at the forefront by myself. Naturally, I find my baby to be beautiful and it upsets me to have a comparison like that made. I’ve not posted to ask if I’m being unreasonable. I’m looking for advice on dealing with the situation as I do not like it and I am within my rights to put my own personal boundaries in place when it come to my children.

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Original poster

northernmama92 · 26/12/2022 11:22

He is aware and also finds it hurtful.

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Original poster

northernmama92 · 26/12/2022 11:24

Beercrispsandnuts · 26/12/2022 09:04

I also don’t find this particularly offensive, in fact it made me laugh a little as lots of babies look like harry hill .

the comment on your step sons jeans and legs I also don’t find particularly obnoxious

I think your reaction is a bit ott too. Is this your pfb? Many babies look like harry hill, I’d really not get so upset at the thought of it

Unfortunately, it’s not for anyone else to decide who gets upset about what. My feelings are valid whether or not someone else thinks so or not. I’ve not posted to ask if I’m being unreasonable. I’m looking for advice on dealing with the situation itself.

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Original poster

northernmama92 · 26/12/2022 11:26

3487642l · 26/12/2022 05:06

She may be a covert aggressive. You'd probably never make those kinds of insensitive remarks so you naturally find it baffling, but she may have a very different mentality to you that is based on needing to feel superior and put other people down. Get educated on how people like this operate (eg. read George Simon) and you can educate your DSS and DD to understanding that granny isn't being kind when she says those things so they know it's all about granny and her problems, and not about them. It's a good life lesson to have early in life.

Thanks very much, will look into George Simon. I don’t like to think it’s an aggression thing but like you say, I wouldn’t make remarks like that which makes it baffling for me.

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Original poster

northernmama92 · 26/12/2022 11:30

Mumtobabyhavoc · 26/12/2022 05:12

I think some people, morons that they are, just get stuck in a cycle of stock comments in certain interactions and this is largely influenced by their own insecurities. Next time SIL makes the comments say, You've said that a few times now. Do you not like my child, or have I offended you somehow? After explanation or denial simply say, Right, just stop it now.
If anyone comes back at you tell them you won't have your child subjected to bullying by anyone and expect more support from family. People like this tend to gaslight those they attack. If it doesn't stop limit contact.

I think that’s a good point about people being in a cycle of saying certain types of comments. I wouldn’t like to be confrontational about it and fall out but I think a toned down version of what you’ve said would be a good idea. But yes, if comments like that continue, contact will end up being sparse unfortunately.

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Original poster

northernmama92 · 26/12/2022 11:33

Merryclaire · 26/12/2022 07:09

I would simply pick up baby, put on a cutesy baby voice and talk to the baby saying: ‘Well that was a mean thing that auntie xxx just said wasn’t it? But everyone else knows that you’re absolutely beautiful.’ Should sufficiently shame her in front of everyone.

If she starts with the ‘don’t be so sensitive, I was only joking’ comments, then again do the voice to the baby: “oh, see she was only joking, but it wasn’t a very nice joke was it? Don’t worry she knows not to say it again.’

😂 This seems slightly passive aggressive but I understand the satisfaction and effectiveness that comes with it! Probably the easiest way of managing it without confrontation though!

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Original poster

northernmama92 · 26/12/2022 11:35

GreekGod · 26/12/2022 05:37

Some families do this. This constant commenting about someone’s appearance. Nip it in the bud by telling them to stop or do it to them. My SIL soon stopped calling DD “baby blobby” when I called her Toxic Barbie.

🤣 slightly passive aggressive but can imagine the satisfaction!

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Original poster

northernmama92 · 26/12/2022 11:38

autienotnaughty · 26/12/2022 06:58

The Harry hill comment is stupid but not overly offensive I'd just ignore it. The comment about ss jeans and being skinny is not nice. Is your dh aware?

Yes he is aware and doesn’t like it either - we want to have them feel good about themselves and are very conscious of comments that would devalue their self-worth. That’s what I mean though, it’s a stupid comment which is unnecessary. I’m not offended I just find it hurtful for me - never mind my baby! 😂

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Original poster

northernmama92 · 26/12/2022 11:44

SnowAndIceLobelia · 26/12/2022 08:04

I agree OP. My parents have weight problems and are obsessive about monitoring weight in others. It comes in comments, 'looks' unsubtly checking of size tags in clothes etc

It is insidious and gets inside your head. And I felt that the sum total of my value was in my looks and I was failing by being chubby (and still now have eating disorders at the age of nearly 50 which I honestly cannot ever imagine overcoming).

I believe the only things that ought to be said about babies and young children (or anyone) is 'how beautiful he is ' ' how lovely those jeans look; etc etc.

I’m sorry you’ve had to experience that throughout your life. Your experience further validates my feelings on the situation.

I completely agree with you about what should be said to babies and children - we need to break generational traumas, stop accepting it and build these babies up!

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Original poster

northernmama92 · 26/12/2022 11:46

teapotfullofsquash · 26/12/2022 08:18

I understand how you feel. My fil would call my daughter ugly in a "jokey way" when she was a toddler. Fast forward not seeing her for 7 years and when we finally met up with the family again he decided to call the now 11 year old girl ugly. I literally hit the roof. He was told we don't find him funny and if he has to make comments like that then we don't want to see him at all. Nip it in the bud.

Wow! Had you addressed the issue when she was a toddler? We wouldn’t make these comments to adults so why do people think it’s ok to make them to children?

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FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 26/12/2022 11:50

Why don't you try: "oh do be quiet, Sharon! We would never dream of criticising your weird nose/wonky ears/vacant expression..."

Grimreapers · 26/12/2022 11:53

All babies look like potatoes.....
God I thought mine was beautiful though, only looking back do I see the potato.

I don't think anything terrible has been said. I think you're still a hormonal mess.

PBandBanana · 26/12/2022 11:53

Your husband needs the take a stand because it is his family saying it. Neither of you should have to put up with it and the longer it goes on, the more difficult it will become. It may be awkward but you’ll already know as you have your older child that sometimes you have to stick up for your child even when it’s really uncomfortable. Doing it with family is harder but even if they are defensive you don’t have to see them often. Good luck and stay strong. Your instincts are spot on that it is important to deal with this.

3487642l · 26/12/2022 11:59

GreekGod · 26/12/2022 05:37

Some families do this. This constant commenting about someone’s appearance. Nip it in the bud by telling them to stop or do it to them. My SIL soon stopped calling DD “baby blobby” when I called her Toxic Barbie.

😂

MajorCarolDanvers · 26/12/2022 12:07

They have a different sense of humour to you and you are over reacting.

3487642l · 26/12/2022 12:11

Merryclaire · 26/12/2022 07:09

I would simply pick up baby, put on a cutesy baby voice and talk to the baby saying: ‘Well that was a mean thing that auntie xxx just said wasn’t it? But everyone else knows that you’re absolutely beautiful.’ Should sufficiently shame her in front of everyone.

If she starts with the ‘don’t be so sensitive, I was only joking’ comments, then again do the voice to the baby: “oh, see she was only joking, but it wasn’t a very nice joke was it? Don’t worry she knows not to say it again.’

I think this it's really clever; it meets the tone of the put-down in a playful way and effectively gets the point across. It's good for kids to see someone standing up for them so they learn they are worth it.

George Simon's books is Wolf in Sheep's Clothing.

Redebs · 26/12/2022 12:13

Any rude or silly comments about children's appearance are definitely not ok. Be straight with her. Tell her to keep her mouth closed or leave.

Kids have enough to put up with growing up, without body-shaming.

MintJulia · 26/12/2022 12:17

With the greatest of kindness, you are over reacting. I'm sure there is no malice, and your baby is certainly unaware of it.

When my ds was little, he was described as a bald skinny little rabbit. My dsis's firstborn was a chubby baby and she was described as Queen Victoria, Churchill and Buddha.

My db insisted that his first born looked identical to every other baby he had ever seen and he couldn't tell the difference. My sil was not amused by his jokes. But there were just jokes.

I'd pull them up on comments about the 9yo though. That could be hurtful.

MamaFirst · 26/12/2022 12:28

Next time she says it, pull a confused face and say 'that's the third time you've said that. I still don't understand what yoiyr talking about - can you explain?' then pause and wait uncomfortably long for her to explain herself. If she says she's joking or makes some other excuse, just remain confused and say' I don't get it'. If nothing else it just makes her look stupid and I doubt she'd say it again.

I don't think not calling people out on things like that help, but you don't have to do it in an aggressive or confrontational way. The comments about the ss jeans/skinny legs - I would just shut it down with 'he's x yo and he's comfortable and happy, what's the issue?' again with a confused face. Just turn it around on them until they get the message.

Original poster

northernmama92 · 26/12/2022 12:29

MajorCarolDanvers · 26/12/2022 12:07

They have a different sense of humour to you and you are over reacting.

That is not for you to decide. Thank you.

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blueshoes · 26/12/2022 12:39

northernmama92 · 26/12/2022 11:35

🤣 slightly passive aggressive but can imagine the satisfaction!

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Or a combination of both approaches, picking up dd and saying loudly with a smiley face and making faces at baby to make her laugh, "isn't SIL being a [silly sausage, miss piggy or worse]"

17to35 · 26/12/2022 12:43

I think there are slightly more layers to this than are first apparent.
I am well acquainted with NI in-laws and this would be described as a Northern Irish sense of humour (by them). Generally not funny and done in a testing way to see if you can "take it".
If you can't and are English without a sense of humour. The best thing is to agree with them. "that's because Harry Hill's his Dad"
Step son? Rip her to shreds till you see tears form.
You will never win.

Original poster

northernmama92 · 26/12/2022 12:44

MamaFirst · 26/12/2022 12:28

Next time she says it, pull a confused face and say 'that's the third time you've said that. I still don't understand what yoiyr talking about - can you explain?' then pause and wait uncomfortably long for her to explain herself. If she says she's joking or makes some other excuse, just remain confused and say' I don't get it'. If nothing else it just makes her look stupid and I doubt she'd say it again.

I don't think not calling people out on things like that help, but you don't have to do it in an aggressive or confrontational way. The comments about the ss jeans/skinny legs - I would just shut it down with 'he's x yo and he's comfortable and happy, what's the issue?' again with a confused face. Just turn it around on them until they get the message.

A reasonable approach I think! Thanks for replying.

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Original poster

northernmama92 · 26/12/2022 12:47

17to35 · 26/12/2022 12:43

I think there are slightly more layers to this than are first apparent.
I am well acquainted with NI in-laws and this would be described as a Northern Irish sense of humour (by them). Generally not funny and done in a testing way to see if you can "take it".
If you can't and are English without a sense of humour. The best thing is to agree with them. "that's because Harry Hill's his Dad"
Step son? Rip her to shreds till you see tears form.
You will never win.

😂 Thanks for your reply. My mum’s half of the family came over from Belfast so we’re not too different. Trust me I give it back as good as I get it but it’s just that bit more delicate when it’s your little girl. Great advice though. Thanks for replying x

OP posts:

Clymene · 26/12/2022 12:48

Where's the kids' dad in all of this? They're his family

Comments on children’s appearance

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